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sebastian

Active Member

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Breath control is a pretty common fetish, so I felt that I should post something about the risks that it involves. If people want to explore it, this post will hopefully help them understand the very considerable risks and whether they are worth it.

Breath play is any form of play to restricts the sub's ability to breathe. Serious breath play (which is what I want to address here) is any form of play that temporarily prevents a sub from breathing. Autoerotic asphyxiation (the so-called 'hanging game') is a common (and exceptionally lethal) form of breath play. Many forms of gagging fall into this category, as does choking. Some forms of bondage, such as those involving duct tape or plastic wrap over the sub's face, fall into this category (usually the sub is given a breathing tube).

Most people who do breath play assume that the primary risk involved is asphyxiation. They assume that as long as they make sure to release whatever is constricting the sub's breathing before the sub passes out (or when the sub hits the point of unconsciousness), then breathe play is safe. Certainly asphyxiation is a threat. In fact, it's probably the single-most common way that people die during bdsm (for example, the dom wraps the sub in plastic with a breathing tube and then leaves the sub in the closet. The breathing tube slips out and the immobilized sub asphyxiates). If you explore this sort of play, never, ever leave a sub in this situation alone. One major problem with the idea that you can remove the risk by stopping before unconsciousness is that there is no easy way to determine when a sub is about to fall unconscious. Even experienced medical personnel cannot always figure out when unconsciousness is imminent. And loss of air to the brain can produce brain damage.

However, asphyxiation is not actually the primary danger of breath play. The real danger is a heart attack. When the body begins to be deprived of oxygen, the heart automatically starts producing additional contractions; the lower the oxygen supply, the more erratic contractions the heart produces. If one of these contractions occurs during the wrong phase of the heart's normal pumping cycle, it can produce a heart attack. The more erratic contractions, the greater the odds of a heart attack. To make matters worse, the kind of heart attack that happens is a type of heart attack that people rarely survive, regardless of their age or relative health. (It's not the kind where the heart isn't beating; it's the kind where the heart is beating without normal coordination, making the contractions ineffectual for purposes of pushing blood through the body.) To makes matters worse still, the erratic contractions begin fairly soon after oxygen deprivation starts and continues for several hours after the deprivation ends. So, when you engage in breath play, you're essentially risking a fatal heart attack not only while the breath play is going on, but for quite some time after the breath play ends. Nor is there any easy way to watch for symptoms of erratic contractions.

There are other risks of breath play, which include brain damage, crushed windpipes, strokes, seizures, and more. Some people try to avoid the risk of asphyxiation by pressing on the carotid artery, under the impression that this is somehow less dangerous. In fact, it's even more dangerous. This can trigger a heart attack in as little as 5 seconds. This is the reason that police departments have stopped doing certain types of choke-holds, because they can easily kill someone they're trying to subdue.

Medical experts who are also bdsm players have been unable to identify a way to do breath play that does not trigger the risk of a heart attack. The risk of a heart attack is simply an inherent element of serious breath control. If, after understanding the risks, you wish to continue exploring it, by all means do so. Just understand that the sub is risking death and permanent brain damage, and the dom is risking a police investigation and possible criminal charges. My own feeling is that breath play is simply not worth the risks, but you may disagree.

If you want more information about the risks of breath play, check out Jay Wiseman's page on the subject, which has a number of articles. Wiseman is one of the most respected experts on bdsm, and has considerable medical training. http://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_BreathPlayMain.html

According to Wiseman, US Law enforcement estimates that about 1000 people die in the US each year from various forms of breath play. So this is a form of play that has very substantial risks. But obviously not every person who does it dies, and there are many people who find it enjoyable for one reason or another.

Again, remember that bdsm needs to be safe, sane, and consensual. Doms have an obligation to understand the risks of any form of play they wish to engage in, and subs have a right to know the risks they are undergoing. Doing breath play without explaining the real risks to the sub means it's not truly consensual.
 
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L8NightQ

Member

MIRROR: Download from MEGA

Cleaning and Maintaining Your Toys and Equipment

Keeping sex toys clean and in good condition is good for the toys and good for your partner. Dirty or improperly maintained toys (especially insertables) can and probably will infect your partner. If you share toys among multiple partners or friends, this is even more probable.

Most non silicone products are porous and can hold (and grow) bacteria and other nasties if not cared for properly.

I like just using a mild hand soap to clean silicone, and most toys.
If you really want to use bleach, you should mix it with water 2w to 1b. I don't use it cause there's just too much risk of splatter to places where you don't want it.

The most important thing is to let it dry after you wash it so nothing new grows on it or in the bag where you store your toy(s).

Non-leather toys can go in plastic bags, leather and similar toys should go into a breathable bag.

Silicone can also be boiled or put in the dishwasher if you like cause it has such a high heat tolerance but....
Be careful not to use silicone based lubricants on silicone toys. The lube can bond to the toy and really mess it up.

If you have a Hitachi Magic Wand you can place a condom over the head. Feel free to let it extend down a little to cover the gap between the head and the body of the massager. If she has wet orgasms it will keep the spill/splatter/spray out of the inside gap. They tell you not to get that part wet.
It saves a lot of time with cleaning, and keeps rust out of the well.


Here's a guide on cleaning all your sex toys that might help. It also lists special precautions for certain types of toys.

http://www.talksexwithsue.com/toycare.html

This does not cover leather.

I like to use a damp cloth or a baby wipe to wipe leather products down, and every once and a while I also use saddle soap to clean and condition them. For a quick touch up (usually before I travel) I might use some "Bic-4" leather conditioner to keep the leather in good shape.

For leather wrist and ankle cuffs that get wet from sweat and the like, just use the above procedure, but use bic-4 or a lite application of mink oil to maintain it's strength and keep the moisture in it. The mink oil will help keep the moisture from soaking into the leather. Same is pretty much true for floggers.

When you clean leather, depending on the quality of the item, you may get some color coming off, but that's usually ok.
On the cheap floggers, you'll get a lot of color coming off. Nothing to do about that really... just buy better, or at least shop. You don't have to pay a fortune for good leather.

Please feel free to add more if you like.
 
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sebastian

Active Member

MIRROR: Download from MEGA

Scat (playing with or consuming feces) is a fairly risky form of play. Unlike urine, which is normally sterile when it leaves the body, feces are teeming with bacteria and viruses (e. coli, salmonella, hep) and in some cases parasites and amoebas. A little bit of contact with bare skin (for example, during unprotected anal sex) is not likely to be very risky, but any sore spots or breaks on the skin and you run the risk of getting some very nasty illnesses. Absolutely wash thoroughly with soap and water after contact with feces. The safest way to play with feces is using gloves or other latex covering. And absolutely do not ingest it. Also, keep in mind that coprophila (a sexual fetish for feces) is pretty rare; just telling someone you're into scat is likely to creep them out, so be careful who you bring it up with. (Personally, I find it pretty gross--I turned down a smoking hot guy who mentioned he did scat play).

Enemas are frequently used as preparation for anal sex, and some people find them enjoyable all on their own. Get a purpose-made enema bag or bulb or a showerhead adapter. Use warm water (you can add a small drop of liquid soap or salt if you want--no more than a tablespoon and probably less--and some people add essential oils). Try about 2 quarts. Stop when you feel full or if you feel anything more than momentary discomfort--it's a sign that your colon is full. For more details, try here:
http://www.enemabag.com/how_to_take_an_enema.html. After an enema, your kidneys will have taken in a lot of water, so you'll probably need to urinate fairly soon. And, of course, you'll have a bowel movement, so do your play in the tub or near the toilet. Some people use alcohol in the enema bag, but this is fairly risky, because the alcohol gets into your bloodstream very quickly and in higher concentrations than when you're drinking, so you can get drunk very fast and may suffer alcohol poisoning (a year or two ago, a man's wife killed him by giving him an alcohol enema, so the risk is real). If you're going to explore that, read up on it before trying it.

Electro play can be done on the genitals, but it's fairly advanced play. Don't use something homemade--buy a purpose-built electro tool. Do a lot of reading about what's safe and what's not, and seriously consider finding an experienced player who can teach you safety. The basic issue is to never run the current across the torso, although quick sparks might be ok, such as with a violet wand. Never do electro with someone who has any history of heart trouble. Electrical current can disrupt the heart's normal electrical signals and trigger a heart attack (and typically the kind of heart attack you don't survive). I've only done electro twice, both times under the supervision of a more experienced player, so I'm hardly an expert. Don't blindly follow what I say on this--read up on it.
 
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foxy lady

New Member

MIRROR: Download from MEGA

http://xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

This is my favorite newbie website, plus it has tons of tips and ideas!
The "Domming for nice guys" is a great article when showing boyfriends that BDSM does not equal abuse.

Communication is the number one most important part of BDSM. Always be open and honest with your partner about what you like and dislike. Discuss your scenes after you do them. Even an experienced dom/sub hasn't learned everything yet, and they certainly dont know everything about you.

Remember that both subs and doms have rights that need to be respected. Keep a safe word for stopping the scene, but it never hurts to always have a "go word" that the sub can use to tell his or her dom that they are okay and the scene can continue. This is a useful tool for nervous new doms who are worried about hurting their partner.

th for the link!! great site answered so many of my questions!
 
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sebastian

Active Member

MIRROR: Download from MEGA

One of the most common questions we get asked here on Smplace is some variant of "I'm a submissive woman and my bf/husband is vanilla. How can I get him to dom me?" Obviously submissive guys ask this of their gf/wives, but for some reason, we mostly get this question from femsubs. So here is a bunch of things for femsubs hoping to kinkify their Nice Vanilla Boyfriend (NVB).

The most common thing that discourages a NVB from dominating his gf/wife is the fact that most men today (at least in Western culture) are taught to treat their woman as an equal. He loves her and has been taught that loving a woman means giving her equal voice in the relationship, never hitting her, and not demanding too much of her sexually or domestically. It's great that so many men have internalized these rules, but for a submissive woman, these rules are a problem, because they make it hard for a NVB to give her the dominance and rough treatment she craves and consents to. So the first thing for a would-be femsub to think about is that she is asking her NVB to do the exact opposite of what he's been taught he should do, to do things that, absent her consent, are forms of abuse, expressions of anger, and signs of selfishness, immaturity, and general bad-boy-ness. So a femsub has to figure out ways to help her potential dom realize that what she's asking him to do is not abuse her or be a selfish prick, but rather to express his love for her by meeting her needs as a submissive woman.

For most NVBs, bdsm is a little scary. They've only ever seen the highly negative portrayals of bdsm provided by tv shows and films. In popular entertainment, dominant men are usually depicted as abusers, psychotic killers, and moustache-twirling assholes, the exact opposite of what a NVB thinks he is. So a femsub needs to watch out for stuff that conjures up those images, because if she starts out asking him to tie her up and whip her, he's gonna think she's asking him to be a psychotic killer or abusive boyfriend, and that's just going to confuse him and encourage him to resist.

So, in my opinion, the best way to approach converting a NVB is to start with the sphere of control. Pain, bondage, and humiliation are all things that are going to trigger resistance in most NVBs, but control plays into a very common fantasy that most straight men have, the fantasy of being able to have sex whenever they want it. So start by telling your NVB that from now on, he gets to have sex any time he wants it, any way he wants, any place he wants it. Set whatever limits you feel necessary (for example, no anal sex or no sex after 11pm on a work night or no sex where anyone might see it), but within those limits, let him understand that he gets to call the shots. He is under no obligation to reciprocate unless he chooses to. In other words, he gets to demand a blow job while he's watching football on TV or gets to tell you to stop what you're doing and let him fuck you. Hopefully he'll gradually get accustomed to the idea that he gets to use you for sex whenever he's horny. In other words, he's learning to dominate you without entirely realizing it. If, during this process, he asks you what you want, tell him that what you want is to please him. Tell him that pleasuring him gives you pleasure. The point here is to help him learn that being dominant is a way of meeting your needs as well as his own needs. Demanding blow jobs isn't him being a selfish asshole; it's him addressing your needs by feeding his own.

If he can't get to the point where he becomes comfortable demanding sex, there may not be much hope of kinkifying him. And at that point you need to decide if giving up your submissive side is worth whatever else you get from the relationship or if you won't be satisfied until you find a dom to use you.

But if he does start to get used to being in control sexually, then have a conversation with him. Tell him that you want to explore your submissive side further, and ask him to try pushing his limits by bringing in some other element of bdsm. And what that new element is you have to decide. It might be tying you up, or spanking you, or calling you names during sex, or whatever else gets you excited. Explain to him that since you've been meeting his needs, you want him to try meeting another of your needs. Don't try to blackmail him ("I give you blow jobs so now you have to be a horrible monster for me"), but ask him to try something that makes him a little uncomfortable. Ask him to try it a couple of times before he decides that he really doesn't like it. And if he really doesn't like what you've asked him to do, accept that he can't do that particular thing (at least right now).

Don't make the new thing too extreme; stuff like choking you or strict bondage or knife play or flogging is liable to scare him. So if you want pain, ask for spanking or nipple play. If you want humiliation, ask for insults or swearing during sex. If you want more control, ask him to choose your wardrobe. Once he's learned to play a little bit in the other spheres that you're interested in, ask him to go a little bit farther (once he's used to spanking you, buy him a riding crop or a paddle, for example). The idea here is to get him used to mild bdsm play before you go into the more hardcore stuff, the stuff that looks like porn or what he sees on tv. Because once he's gotten used to mildly kinky play, he's not pure vanilla any more, and getting him to move from mild kink to more serious kink is easier than getting him to move from vanilla to kink.

Another important issue to consider here is that men generally need to have some sense of confidence in order to be able to perform sexually. Nothing kills a boner faster than insecurity. The male need for confidence really grows out of biology. A woman can fake being sexually aroused; a naked man can't. So men tend to stick to sexual play that they know they can do well. (This is why some many guys learn one sex trick and do it so much that it gets boring; it's also why guys tend to assume that because one girlfriend liked something, all women must like that same thing.) A NVB may resist being dominant because it's new and he's not certain he can pull it off convincingly. So don't ask him to do too much too fast. Let him take it one step at a time and learn the skills involved. Remember, being dominant requires more skill than being submissive (which is not to say that being submissive is easy or skill-free; but tying someone up well takes more skill than being tied up). So don't expect him to learn all the skills at once. Let him practice spanking you before you ask him to practice flogging you; once he learns that he's good at spanking you, he'll spank you more readily.

When he begins exploring a new area of play, give him some encouragement. Play into whatever he's doing; make a little more noise than you normally would, or squirm or make a face or do whatever makes it clear that you're enjoying what he's doing and that he should keep going and go a little further. Don't fake an orgasm or anything like that; bdsm requires honesty and faking pleasure is dishonest. After the play is over, tell him what you enjoyed, and offer a suggestion (just one) for the next time. And ask him what you can do that would please him more.

Unless he gets so into kink that it's all he wants, don't neglect the vanilla sex. Remember, he's trying to meet your needs, so make sure that you're not getting greedy and expecting every night to be a kinkfest. Make sure he's getting whatever sexual needs he has met. BDSM can be very romantic, but don't make him give up romantic dinners or whatever else he wants.

A final important issue to consider is that what submissives want is often hard for non-submissives to understand. Submissive play is paradoxical; subs crave things that most people don't want, like pain or humiliation or a lack of control. So your NVB doesn't really understand why you get so turned on when he calls you a bitch, because being called a bitch doesn't turn him on. He probably gets angry when someone insults him, so he naturally assumes that you'll feel the same way. (That's why he thinks that bdsm might be abuse.) Make clear to him that abuse is about him doing dark things nonconsensually to you; bdsm is about you consenting to him doing dark things to you.

One analogy that I often use with NVBs is that submissives speak a different language than non-submissives. If I say "Ich liebe dich" to someone who just speaks English, it means nothing and just sounds harsh. But if I say it to a German-speaker, it means "I love you". So when a NVB spanks his submissive woman or calls her a whore, he's telling her he loves her in a language that makes sense to her. It's critical to successfully kinkifying your NVB that he comes to realize that giving you bdsm is a way of meeting your needs, expressing his love for you, and pleasuring you. That's why bdsm porn is such a poor model for a bdsm relationship; porn rarely shows the affection the dom is expressing and the pleasure the sub is receiving from the play.
 
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dupain

New Member

MIRROR: Download from MEGA

Sooo I am meeting a dom for the first time in a couple of weeks…and I was just looking for some advice. I’m really new to all of this, and am quite shy so it’s been difficult because besides my conversations with him and what I’ve read online, I haven’t explored any other venue to chat to people about this stuff.

I am really excited, and really scared all at the same time. I am travelling a really long way to meet him and we have been talking for quite a few months now. I am worried about safety as I don’t really feel comfortable chatting to the people in my life about what I’m going to do, and was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the best way to approach this because I understand that safety is a huge concern.

I also was curious if anyone had any advice on something I could bring him, or do for him when I first get there that might be a nice surprise for him.

Thanks :)
 
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sebastian

Active Member

MIRROR: Download from MEGA

A few things to think of when meeting a new dom (this is mostly for those meeting maledoms, but it generally applies to all):

As a new sub, you enjoy the fantasy of having to do whatever the dom tells you to do. But at the earliest stage of your relationship with a new dom, it's the dom who needs to be doing whatever you need to trust him, because trust is the foundation on which bdsm play is built. You should never submit to a dom that you don't have some level of trust built up with. If you met on the internet, the first stage of trust-building is trading phone numbers after you've chatted for a while. A dom who won't share a phone number with you is probably not worth pursuing, and a dom who pressures you into meeting immediately should be treated with caution. (In my own interactions with subs, if I'm interested, I chat for a day or two with a sub and then offer to meet somewhere public for coffee; if the sub demurs, I don't push it and continue chatting, but after a few weeks of chatting I start to indicate that we've reached the point that I think we need to meet. If the sub continues to be hesitant, I politely tell him that he should get in touch with me when he feels ready to meet. If the sub lives far enough away that meeting for coffee is a challenge, I offer a phone conversation instead.)

Eventually, you'll be ready to meet a dom in person. Arrange the first meeting at a public place where there will be people around in case something goes very bad--a shopping mall, a coffeehouse, or maybe a park (a bar might be ok, assuming you won't be tempted to drink to the point of making bad decisions). When he shows up, pay attention to what he told you about himself and see if he matches that. It's probably ok if he shaved a few pounds off his weight or a few years off his age (although some BDSMers feel that any dishonesty at all disqualifies a dom). But if he turns out to be significantly older, fatter, shorter, or not the person in the pic he sent you, DO NOT play with him. If he lied to you about basic elements of who he is, you cannot trust him enough to let him tie you up.

Most BDSMers suggest that you don't play with a dom the first time you meet him. You need a little time to assess your feelings and instincts about him. If you are going to travel across country to meet a new dom, do so only after a lot of talking on the phone or perhaps camming (it sucks to travel a long way only to discover your new Prince of Darkness is a pimply, obese basement-dweller). Travel on your own expense and arrange a hotel room to stay in (although it's reasonable to ask the dom to help reimburse you after you've met). But if things go bad, you don't want to be stranded in an unfamiliar place dependent on the good will of a strange dom to get you home again.

If you do meet to play, make preparations for a safe call. Tell a trusted friend where you are going, what you are going to be doing, and how to reach you. Give your friend the dom's real name, street address, and phone number. Any trustworthy dom will be willing to provide this information to help guarantee your safety; if he refuses to do so once you've explained why you want it, don't play with him. Call your friend just before you meet the dom, and have your friend call you at a set time, perhaps 30 or 60 minutes into the play session. If you're uncertain, have the friend call a second time. When your friend calls, she needs to ask you if everything is ok. Set up a pre-arranged code word for you to use that means "call the cops" (for example, if everything is ok, you might say "Yeah, Liz, I'm fine." If things are not fine, you say "Yes, Elizabeth, I'm fine." The fact that you're using her full name instead of her nickname is the code word. Or maybe "I'm fine" means things are good, while "I'm doing great" means you need help.)

If your friend cannot reach you, or if the dom won't let her talk to you, or if you give the code word, you friend calls the police, gives them all the information on the dom, and asks them to go to the dom's house to check up on you.

If you don't have a friend that you can trust with this information, you might be able to find someone on this site who will handle the safe call duties. And there are a few websites that offer safe call services.

It's also suggested that the first couple of times that you play with a new dom, you don't do bondage. Stick to dominance, verbal abuse, and maybe pain play. Under no circumstances should you let an unfamiliar dom tie you up without having safeguards in place that have nothing to do with the dom. Out of 100 doms, perhaps 1 has malevolent intentions, but probably 5 are a threat because they don't know what they are doing (but think they do), and you don't want to play with any of those 6 guys. While it's rare, doms do occasionally kill their subs, and more frequently doms accidentally injure their subs. Safe calls save lives, so use them.

A while ago, I read something by a femsub who met a new dom at his house out in the country. She told him she had a safe call arranged with a friend. The dom beat her up and threw her out of his house. She called the friend and he picked her up. A few months later, she saw on the news that the police had raided the dom's house and found bodies buried on the property. The point here is not to scare you into not exploring BDSM, but to make you realize that safety is job one for you as a new sub. Don't just play with the first dom who offers to use you; wait until you find a dom that you feel you can trust. Safe, trustworthy, competent, honest, genuinely dominant men (and women) are out there, and you'll find them if you just keep looking and take your time.
 
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