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One of the most common questions we get asked here on Smplace is some variant of "I'm a submissive woman and my bf/husband is vanilla. How can I get him to dom me?" Obviously submissive guys ask this of their gf/wives, but for some reason, we mostly get this question from femsubs. So here is a bunch of things for femsubs hoping to kinkify their Nice Vanilla Boyfriend (NVB).
The most common thing that discourages a NVB from dominating his gf/wife is the fact that most men today (at least in Western culture) are taught to treat their woman as an equal. He loves her and has been taught that loving a woman means giving her equal voice in the relationship, never hitting her, and not demanding too much of her sexually or domestically. It's great that so many men have internalized these rules, but for a submissive woman, these rules are a problem, because they make it hard for a NVB to give her the dominance and rough treatment she craves and consents to. So the first thing for a would-be femsub to think about is that she is asking her NVB to do the exact opposite of what he's been taught he should do, to do things that, absent her consent, are forms of abuse, expressions of anger, and signs of selfishness, immaturity, and general bad-boy-ness. So a femsub has to figure out ways to help her potential dom realize that what she's asking him to do is not abuse her or be a selfish prick, but rather to express his love for her by meeting her needs as a submissive woman.
For most NVBs, bdsm is a little scary. They've only ever seen the highly negative portrayals of bdsm provided by tv shows and films. In popular entertainment, dominant men are usually depicted as abusers, psychotic killers, and moustache-twirling assholes, the exact opposite of what a NVB thinks he is. So a femsub needs to watch out for stuff that conjures up those images, because if she starts out asking him to tie her up and whip her, he's gonna think she's asking him to be a psychotic killer or abusive boyfriend, and that's just going to confuse him and encourage him to resist.
So, in my opinion, the best way to approach converting a NVB is to start with the sphere of control. Pain, bondage, and humiliation are all things that are going to trigger resistance in most NVBs, but control plays into a very common fantasy that most straight men have, the fantasy of being able to have sex whenever they want it. So start by telling your NVB that from now on, he gets to have sex any time he wants it, any way he wants, any place he wants it. Set whatever limits you feel necessary (for example, no anal sex or no sex after 11pm on a work night or no sex where anyone might see it), but within those limits, let him understand that he gets to call the shots. He is under no obligation to reciprocate unless he chooses to. In other words, he gets to demand a blow job while he's watching football on TV or gets to tell you to stop what you're doing and let him fuck you. Hopefully he'll gradually get accustomed to the idea that he gets to use you for sex whenever he's horny. In other words, he's learning to dominate you without entirely realizing it. If, during this process, he asks you what you want, tell him that what you want is to please him. Tell him that pleasuring him gives you pleasure. The point here is to help him learn that being dominant is a way of meeting your needs as well as his own needs. Demanding blow jobs isn't him being a selfish asshole; it's him addressing your needs by feeding his own.
If he can't get to the point where he becomes comfortable demanding sex, there may not be much hope of kinkifying him. And at that point you need to decide if giving up your submissive side is worth whatever else you get from the relationship or if you won't be satisfied until you find a dom to use you.
But if he does start to get used to being in control sexually, then have a conversation with him. Tell him that you want to explore your submissive side further, and ask him to try pushing his limits by bringing in some other element of bdsm. And what that new element is you have to decide. It might be tying you up, or spanking you, or calling you names during sex, or whatever else gets you excited. Explain to him that since you've been meeting his needs, you want him to try meeting another of your needs. Don't try to blackmail him ("I give you blow jobs so now you have to be a horrible monster for me"), but ask him to try something that makes him a little uncomfortable. Ask him to try it a couple of times before he decides that he really doesn't like it. And if he really doesn't like what you've asked him to do, accept that he can't do that particular thing (at least right now).
Don't make the new thing too extreme; stuff like choking you or strict bondage or knife play or flogging is liable to scare him. So if you want pain, ask for spanking or nipple play. If you want humiliation, ask for insults or swearing during sex. If you want more control, ask him to choose your wardrobe. Once he's learned to play a little bit in the other spheres that you're interested in, ask him to go a little bit farther (once he's used to spanking you, buy him a riding crop or a paddle, for example). The idea here is to get him used to mild bdsm play before you go into the more hardcore stuff, the stuff that looks like porn or what he sees on tv. Because once he's gotten used to mildly kinky play, he's not pure vanilla any more, and getting him to move from mild kink to more serious kink is easier than getting him to move from vanilla to kink.
Another important issue to consider here is that men generally need to have some sense of confidence in order to be able to perform sexually. Nothing kills a boner faster than insecurity. The male need for confidence really grows out of biology. A woman can fake being sexually aroused; a naked man can't. So men tend to stick to sexual play that they know they can do well. (This is why some many guys learn one sex trick and do it so much that it gets boring; it's also why guys tend to assume that because one girlfriend liked something, all women must like that same thing.) A NVB may resist being dominant because it's new and he's not certain he can pull it off convincingly. So don't ask him to do too much too fast. Let him take it one step at a time and learn the skills involved. Remember, being dominant requires more skill than being submissive (which is not to say that being submissive is easy or skill-free; but tying someone up well takes more skill than being tied up). So don't expect him to learn all the skills at once. Let him practice spanking you before you ask him to practice flogging you; once he learns that he's good at spanking you, he'll spank you more readily.
When he begins exploring a new area of play, give him some encouragement. Play into whatever he's doing; make a little more noise than you normally would, or squirm or make a face or do whatever makes it clear that you're enjoying what he's doing and that he should keep going and go a little further. Don't fake an orgasm or anything like that; bdsm requires honesty and faking pleasure is dishonest. After the play is over, tell him what you enjoyed, and offer a suggestion (just one) for the next time. And ask him what you can do that would please him more.
Unless he gets so into kink that it's all he wants, don't neglect the vanilla sex. Remember, he's trying to meet your needs, so make sure that you're not getting greedy and expecting every night to be a kinkfest. Make sure he's getting whatever sexual needs he has met. BDSM can be very romantic, but don't make him give up romantic dinners or whatever else he wants.
A final important issue to consider is that what submissives want is often hard for non-submissives to understand. Submissive play is paradoxical; subs crave things that most people don't want, like pain or humiliation or a lack of control. So your NVB doesn't really understand why you get so turned on when he calls you a bitch, because being called a bitch doesn't turn him on. He probably gets angry when someone insults him, so he naturally assumes that you'll feel the same way. (That's why he thinks that bdsm might be abuse.) Make clear to him that abuse is about him doing dark things nonconsensually to you; bdsm is about you consenting to him doing dark things to you.
One analogy that I often use with NVBs is that submissives speak a different language than non-submissives. If I say "Ich liebe dich" to someone who just speaks English, it means nothing and just sounds harsh. But if I say it to a German-speaker, it means "I love you". So when a NVB spanks his submissive woman or calls her a whore, he's telling her he loves her in a language that makes sense to her. It's critical to successfully kinkifying your NVB that he comes to realize that giving you bdsm is a way of meeting your needs, expressing his love for you, and pleasuring you. That's why bdsm porn is such a poor model for a bdsm relationship; porn rarely shows the affection the dom is expressing and the pleasure the sub is receiving from the play.
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