NEWCOMER'S FAQ: READ BEFORE POSTING

sebastian · Sep 9, 2010

Really good points, Tumble. A couple of other important things to look for involve safety.
1) Your prospective dom ought to ask you about your limits, things you are unwilling to do or receive from the dom. (For example, you might decide that bondage is out of the question in early play sessions, as Tumble suggests, or that you don't want to be pissed on.) If your dom doesn't ask about limits, or tells you that you shouldn't have or don't need to worry about limits, that's a bad sign. As a new sub, you definitely have limits, even if you're not sure of them. Your dom ought to respect your limits. And if the dom agrees to limits and then ignores them the first time you play, that's a very bad sign.

2) Your prospective dom ought to give you safe words, code words that signal that you need to suspend or stop play. If your prospective dom doesn't give you safe words before you start playing, ask for them. If your dom says you don't need them or he or she doesn't use safe words, DO NOT play with him or her. Advanced d/s couples sometimes agree to forego safe words, but they are absolutely critical for a new sub, in case you start feeling overwhelmed, turned off, or too scared to play or simply can't handle the pain or humiliation.

3) Tell your new prospective dom that you want to arrange a safe call. A safe call involves you telling a trusted friend exactly where you will be when you play with this new dom (including the dom's name and address). Your friend will call you at a pre-arranged time during your play session. If your friend gets no answer or cannot speak with you (or if you use a pre-arranged code word during the safe call), the friend calls the police and asks them to go to the play location and check on your safety. Any reasonable dom will agree to allow a safe call during that first play session. Any dom who refuses to allow a safe call is absolutely not to be trusted; find another prospective dom. This is a precaution that might save your life (I know of one female sub whose life was saved by this arrangement, and there are certainly others).

4) Meet your prospective dom in a public location before you play with him or her. A coffeeshop or shopping mall is a good choice. Your dom will be assessing you during this meeting, but you should be assessing him or her at the same time. If the prospective dom seems creepy or turns out to be different than he or she said in your initial chats (for example, if he's much older than he said), trust your instincts and don't play.
In general, any quality dom will understand the need to put you at ease and earn your trust. Although when a dom and sub play together for the first time, both are taking a risk, the sub is risking much more than the dom is (at least usually). So a good dom will be willing to discuss whatever the sub needs to feel safe and comfortable playing, and should agree to any reasonable safety precautions that you ask for.

sebastian · Sep 15, 2010

Let's talk a little about what BDSM isn't, because newbies often have enormous misconceptions.

1) BDSM isn't domestic violence or spouse abuse: BDSM is consensual. If the sub does not consent to receive the dom's actions, it's not BDSM. It's abuse. Doms and subs often speak of 'abuse' because it's a way of intensifying the Outer Layer experience, but no true dom wants to truly abuse his or her sub.

2) BDSM isn't about harming the sub: The sub must derive some form of physical, emotional, or spiritual pleasure and satisfaction from the activity, or it's not BDSM. It's abuse. The trick here is that BDSM isn't about pain as a whole; it's about erotic pain, pain that stimulates the body and spirit in a pleasurable fashion. Subs may love being flogged or tit-tortured, but they don't like stubbing their toe or twisting their ankle any more than anyone else does. Another important point is that a sub may not directly like a particular form of play, such as flogging, but may derive deep satisfaction from knowing that he or she has been able to help the dom meet his or her needs.

3) BDSM isn't about expressing anger or hatred toward the sub: A dom's actions are an expression of affection and even love toward the sub. In casual play, it may be simply about the dom and the sub having fun and pleasure with no real emotional component, but a true dom never strikes the sub out of anger or hatred. In the Outer Layer, the dom may use angry tones, but that is to intensify the experience, not to express what the dom is actually feeling.

4) BDSM isn't about contempt for the sub or misogyny: A dom must always respect his or her sub, and appreciate the gift of submission that the sub is offering. Verbal abuse needs to be pleasurable for the sub or it shouldn't be done.

5) BDSM isn't about breaking the sub's spirit: It's about helping the sub learn to be the best, most submissive sub he or she can be. Different subs have different capacities for submission and service, and the dom needs to respect that. A good dom sees the ideal sub inside the sub in front of him and works to guide him or her to become that ideal sub. That's why it's called 'training'. BDSM is constructive, not destructive. (Having said that, some subs may have bad habits or stubborn feelings of independence that they wish to overcome with the dom's guidance. In that sense, they may speak of breaking the sub's spirit.)

L8NightQ · Sep 16, 2010

General Safety Issues for a Dom/me

I Mentioned it in another post but thought it belonged here.
Hope it helps.

http://www.esinem.com/main-safety.html

This does not cover everything (nothing does), but it does cover many of the more serious things a Dom/me should consider when working a session with a sub. Things like;
Safe Words - and Gestures (for the gagged)
Fainting and Falling
Fires and Emergencies
Medical Conditions
Rope Burns and Splinters
Strangulations, Choking, Breathing Difficulties
Circulation
Nerve Damage
Dislocation
Where Not to Tie
Harness Hang Syndrome
History and General Issues

I like this also because it covers something that many do not, and many of us have never heard of.
Harness Hang Syndrome

Many new Dom/me-s seem to find suspension so exciting that they move towards it pretty quickly, often without understanding anything about nerve issues, circulation, joint damage, or even how strong the rope and anchor need to be (a struggling sub can increase their own weight by a factor of up to 10).

Beyond those obvious issues, harness hang syndrome affects people who are suspended with their legs down and immobilized. It can be fatal and can be caused by a simple suspension that looks like a beginner effort.

Since I brought up suspension, I should include this link

http://www.lovingdominant.org/suspend.html

This is a suspension tutorial from John Warren's Lovingdominant site

Lovingdominant.org has several tutorials that are definitely worth reading

If you are cuffing, tying, suspending, or otherwise restricting and immobilizing a sub, remember that they are putting their trust, and their life, in your hands.

Start easy, and don't do what you don't know.

sebastian · Sep 16, 2010

A very good safety guide for bondage. In general, any time you run across a safety discussion, it's good to read it even if you think you know what you're doing. Every time I read a safety guide, I find something I didn't know. Any time you move out into a new form of bondage or pain play, you should do a good deal of reading first before trying it.

L8NightQ · Nov 12, 2010

Toy Bag Essentials

Thought I'd give some suggestions to those who wanted to know what kind of toys would be nice to have for play.

My toy bag is geared towards male domination of a woman, so your needs may differ.
Many things have come and gone, but these things have to be around

Rope 3/16 nylon braid or twist. 4 12 foot, 3 24 foot, 2 36 foot sections. Whip the ends so they don't unravel

Training collar, preferably front loop and back D-ring

Leather Wrist, Ankle restraints

Carabiners 2 small, 2 large (real ones please)

Cafrabiner Snap hooks Medium

Bandage Sheers (safety pointed heavy duty shears)

Blindfold

Ball Gag - small if for woman no larger than 2 inches

Soft foam exercise ball (3 inch) to stuff mouth in on the fly

Clothspins - regular laundry variety (get specialized clips and clamps as experience dictates)
Pick out the ones with medium gripâ€¦ try them on you first

Lube (Water Soluble) - not the cheap stuff

Insertables Vibrating Egg - waterproof, reinforced cord
Insertables Cock Dildo, Ribbed Dildo, Vibe Dildo, (for beginners, no more than 8")

Large Vibe - Hitachi Magic Wand (recommended), or large battery operated Vibe
Extension cord (if you have the hitachi)
Batteries (for other toys.... you don't want go dead in the middle of a session)

Flogger, leather - similar to "Strict Leather starter flogger" (add on later)

Small rubber Flogger for spanking smaller areas or breasts (be careful)

Pin wheel

Candles â€“ regular household paraffin candles (2nd degree burns are no jokeâ€¦. Know your wax)

Saddle Soap, Bic4 or other leather cleaner and conditioner

Toy Soap (anti bac) Keep your toys clean or they will hurt someone

Please feel free to add your suggestions.
Keep in mind that this is a beginners thread when you make your suggestions.

Hope this helps.

sebastian · Nov 12, 2010

Great list! A few other items in my toy bag:

4 6-8' ft lengths of rope (great for wrist and leg ties and for tying body parts off to bed posts, chair legs, etc)

Blindfold or blackout hood

Something silky, such as a silk cloth, tassle, piece of fur, or feather (use for sensation play to provide a break from and contrast with harsh sensations)

A riding crop (a good choice for beginners in impact play, cheaper and easier to master than a flogger)

A sturdy ace bandage (multiple uses, from an improvised blindfold to binding the balls to first aid supply for a strained joint)

An electric toothbrush (a slightly harsh vibrating sensation, lots of ways to use it)

A small first aid kit (with supplies to treat mild injuries that can be caused by whatever types of play you are normally doing--band aids, gauze and tape, disinfectant, antibiotic)

A small towel (I sweat like a horse when I dom)

A sports bottle with a built-in straw (makes it easy to offer your sub a drink)

L8NightQ · Nov 13, 2010

Thank you Sebastian for the reminder, especially about the towel, bottle, and the ace bandage
I forgot about those and they are essentials. I usually just bring a regular bottle but the straw or pop top would come in real handy.

The first aid kit is something I didn't think about, but I think I'll get one. Thanks

I didn't mention the riding crop or cane because, while I like them, I wouldn't put one in a beginners bag for obvious reasons

Like the toothbrush but I've been spoiled by the sonicare, so I don't keep one the bag (only use at home). That little evil thing vibrates at unnatural speeds.

I must admit, I don't keep anything soft in the bag. Guess that's just me.

Thanks for the feedback.

L8NightQ · Dec 2, 2010

Wax Play - A Primer

Just saw another question about wax play.

Thought I would post this here so everyone can see it.

Always be careful about which candles you play with. Some can do real damage.

http://www.kufs.org/waxplayinfo.htm

Hope this helps.

Have fun

sebastian · Dec 31, 2010

Thought I'd put together a short reading list for those who want to explore bdsm. As someone getting into this area, you should do some reading about whatever areas of play you're interested in. Doms need to read about safety and proper technique if they are interested in pain play or bondage, and both doms and subs should read about bdsm relationships if they are planning on doing more than just the occasional scene as a hook-up. So here are a couple of books to get you started. All are pretty solid and most are by well-respected figures in the community. You should be able to get any of these on Amazon, and you might find them in a women's sex shop or gay sex shop, or just possibly in a Borders or Barnes and Nobles.

Jay Weston--SM 101, the Erotic Bondage Handbook (the former for general guidance, the latter specifically for those wanting to explore bondage. SM 101 is probably the single best intro to bdsm you can find, so if you only have time/interest/money to read one book, make it this one)
John Warren--The Loving Dominant (another good book for all-around guidance, more for doms than subs)
Brame, Brame, and Jacobs--Different Loving (short essays and interviews with those who engage in a wide variety of d/s play styles. Very good for understanding what different fetishes mean to those who have them)
Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy--The New Topping Book, the New Bottoming Book (useful guides for doms and subs respectively, more focused on understanding the roles than on technical issues)
Joseph Bean--Leathersex (a good introduction to bdsm for gay men)
Jack Rinella--Becoming a Slave, The Compleat Master, the Compleat Slave (good books for those interested in 24/7 power exchange, written from the gay viewpoint)
Christina Abernathy--Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual (a how-to manual for those interested in slave training)
William Henkin and Sybil Holiday--Consensual Sadomasochism (very good on safety issues, also provides an extensive annotated bibliography)

There are also many books on more specialized topics, such as puppy play, tit torture, wax play, and so on. But I'll let someone else put together that list.

sebastian · Jan 11, 2011

Aftercare is an extremely important part of any bdsm scene. Aftercare is, essentially, the treatment of the sub after the dom has concluded the scene. Any bdsm scene of any length at all requires some aftercare, but exactly what sort of aftercare is needed will vary depending on the content of the scene, its duration, and the sub involved.

Any bdsm scene, even a brief one, tends to put a sub into a special emotional state. That state generally involves intense feelings (arousal, shame, humiliation, fear, lust, and so on), often involves physical pain and minor injury (bruises, stiff joints, sore muscles, reddened skin, and possibly somewhat more serious injuries like mild burns, cuts, and so on), and a submissive/passive/receptive mindset. Aftercare is designed to help the sub move out of that emotional state into the more normal state of daily life. The dom is responsible for putting the sub into that state and is therefore responsible for helping get the sub out of that state. Aftercare is also the time when a dom puts down the harsh Outer Layer persona and puts on the caring Inner Layer persona, showing that s/he cares for the sub, is not not angry but rather satisfied and pleased with the sub, and so on.

Generally speaking, the dom needs to follow the sub's lead in aftercare. Some subs may need to lie quietly by themselves, some may need to cuddle and chat or make out with the dom, some may just want a quick hug and back slap (common in the gay community), some may need to be held as they cry or describe their experience, and so on. Some may require minor first aid, such as bandaging any cuts. It's up to the dom to assess the sub's aftercare needs and provide them.

Some things occur commonly enough in aftercare that the dom should be prepared to provide them:

A warm blanket or bathrobe to wrap the sub in and pillows for the sub's head
A hot shower or warm bath, either together or just for the sub; at a minimum, facilities for the sub to clean up in
A mildly sugary drink such as orange juice, lemonade, or a sports drink, or some small candies like Hershey's kisses (to help restore the sub's energy level)
A quiet, reassuring tone of voice, statements that the dom was pleased or proud of the sub
Hugs or gentle caresses (but don't rub body parts that have been tied or clamped; it may feel painful to the sub)

Some subs emerge from play feeling hungry, so an offer of a meal may be appreciated. Some subs like to 'debrief' and discuss the scene (I often ask the sub what he liked best and what I might have done more or could have done better). However, many subs do not feel social after a scene and may simply wish to be alone or to leave soon. It's not rudeness on the sub's part; it's part of how s/he processes the intense feelings.

Some subs may experience 'sub drop', a state of depression or shame, in the hours or days after a scene. This is most likely to occur after a particularly intense scene, but may occur after even a more relaxed scene. Until a dom knows how a particular sub tends to react, the dom should contact the sub the day after a scene and ask the sub if everything is ok. Some subs may wish to talk at this point if they didn't wish to talk earlier. Others may simply say they're feeling fine. Again, it's the dom's duty to follow the sub's lead here. The dom should be prepared to assure the sub that s/he is not a freak or a bad person for enjoying bdsm play. Sub drop is partly emotional, partly biochemical (during play, endorphins flood the sub's body to help him/her cope with pain. These endorphins can produce emotional highs, similar to 'runner's high'. When the body stops producing those endorphins, the sub may 'crash' into sub drop). The body's natural processes will gradually address the biochemical elements of sub drop, while addressing the emotional elements is the dom's job.

It is important to stress that aftercare is an obligation of the dom, just as much as safety during play is. The way I look at it is that since the sub has accepted the pain I wished to inflict on him, it is my obligation to listen to the sub's pain (and other feelings) afterward. Aftercare is part of the bonding process, just like cuddling after sex is. BDSM tends to lower the emotional barriers that people erect during daily living, so both dom and sub are likely to be emotionally open and vulnerable to each other. Skipping this phase of play means missing out on one of the most rewarding elements of bdsm.

It's worth mentioning that doms may also require some degree of aftercare from the sub. BDSM can arouse intense feelings that the dom needs help processing. Some doms express very dark parts of their personality (inflicting pain, mocking or insulting the sub, acting as a rapist, and so on), and they may fear that doing so means that they are 'evil' or monstrous in some way. Other doms may worry that they were not 'good enough', that their skills were lacking, or that they were not dominant enough. They may need assurance from the sub that the experience was pleasurable, that the dom is not a terrible person, that they are skilled at what they do, and that the sub would like to play again eventually. Some doms experience 'top drop', a state of mild depression that comes from relinquishing the heightened control, sense of power, and freedom to express dark feelings that bdsm allows.

A sub who is playing with a dom for the first time can learn a good deal about the who the dom is during aftercare. A dom who ignores or gives only cursory aftercare is a dom you should think twice about playing with again, unless the sub indicated that s/he did not want much aftercare. A dom who does not provide aftercare is probably not very interested in the sub's emotional needs and is unlikely to be a good long-term playmate.

Let me provide an example of what one sub needed, simply to give doms a sense of what more complicated aftercare might look like. I recently played with a sub who told me that he was just looking for some fun for the evening (he was passing through my city during travel and had a flight out the next day). We got together and played for two hours, at the end of which he lay very still for a while, not saying very much. So I covered him with a blanket and cuddled him, talking softly to him. After about half an hour, he became more active; we got dressed and chatted for a good while. At this point, he seemed quite cheerful. Because I was hungry, I asked if he wanted to grab a quick meal at a local diner, and he said yes. During the meal, he started out hungry but quickly lost his appetite. He began to open up about some major problems that he was dealing with in his life (financial, legal, and relationship). As we talked, he struggled to maintain a cheerful countenance, and eventually I took him back to his hotel. He asked me to come in, and we wound up staying up until about 4am. During that talk, he began to cry about his problems. Clearly, the bdsm had lowered his emotional defenses and feelings he normally held in check came flooding out. Because I was the person who had put him in this state, I felt a responsibility to stay with him and help him process some of these feelings. He became very hungry again, and ate a banana. Eventually I had to go home, and he went to sleep. I checked on him the next day and he indicated that he was fine, but was not very communicative, so I didn't press things. Throughout the whole aftercare, I just played things by ear, followed my instincts that he needed some emotional support, and tried to provide whatever might help him address his momentary crisis. This was a fairly messy aftercare, by far the most difficult I've encountered. It's not typical by any means, but I hope it illustrates what a dom might run into.

NEWCOMER'S FAQ: READ BEFORE POSTING

sebastian

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