Newbie with questions.......

Discussion in 'Safety aspects of BDSM' started by laney, Oct 24, 2011.

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  1. laney

    laney New Member

    I am seriously disturbed......... I am brand new to the scene I have fantasized about it for a long time and finally decided to give it a try. I am naturally submissive but have a complicated past. I am an incest survivor so I have some obvious issues and spent a long time searching for the right person to play with.

    Finally I thought I found him. I met with him last night. So I told him what I was looking for and what was and was not ok with me. We met up at a grocery store and I got in his van. Blindfolds have always been a turn on for me. So I put it on as instructed. Was taken to his home (or so I thought) and led to a chair. I disrobed as instructed. Then was led somewhere and told not to move. He took my hands and put them in restraints and told me the more I struggled the tighter they would get. He told me there were no safe words here and I would do everything I was told or else I would pay for it. He told me we were in a barn in the middle of the country and if I screamed nobody would hear me. He said he didn't like screaming so if I didn't keep it to moaning it would be worse for me. Proceed to threaten me asking me how I didn't know he was a killer. Every boundary I set before hand he took great pleasure in breaking! Is it normal to break in a new submissive this way? I am devastated and feel very violated. I experienced my worst nightmares and more. I was actually afraid for my life. If this is what it is all about I was very very wrong in my expectations.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    No, it's not normal at all. This man is either a very incompetent dom or just a total asshole. In fact, he may have broken a few laws. Depending on how long he kept you, he might be guilty of kidnapping or false imprisonment, and quite possibly of rape, especially if you told him to stop and he didn't. Don't play with him again--in fact, depending on what he actually did and how deeply it upset you, you might consider talking to the police about prosecution. I'm not a lawyer, so I can't tell you how good a case you might have, but agreeing to BDSM does not give a dom the right to do things you've told him you don't want.

    A good dom always accepts the limits the sub sets, especially at the start of a training relationship. I'm sorry that your first session was so unpleasant. I hope it doesn't keep you for pursuing your fantasies with another dom.

    Read through the FAQ. It should help you get a better sense of what a good dom/sub interaction should look like. There's a section on being a new sub and what precautions to take. In particular, read about safe calls and arrange one with a trusted friend the next time you plan to play with a dom. I also strongly recommend that you put all forms of bondage onto your hard limit list for the time being. You need to play with a dom you trust a few times before you let yourself be tied up. You might look for a local munch and ask around about the good doms in the group.
  3. laney

    laney New Member

    Thank you Sebastian. It didn't seem right to me. There was nothing about it I liked. I told him at the start I thought I had made a huge mistake and wanted to leave. He told me I had driven a long way and was going to get what I deserved. There was no more talk after that. It is very clear he made a list of what I said was off limits and one by one that is what he did to me. He told me that I was never to tell him ANYTHING was off limits.... that he would do what he wanted regardless. I consented after initial protest only because I didn't want to find out what would happen if I mad him mad. He made it very clear if I didn't do as told I was in for a lot worse. I didn't have any intentions on playing with him again. Not sure I could EVER try this again. I just needed someone to confirm what I was thinking. I think I will go to the police.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I think going to the police is a good idea, but keep a few things in mind.

    1) Some police officers are very accepting of BDSM, especially those in large cities, who have probably encountered kinky people at some point. Rural police/sheriffs may not have encountered it and may have a more negative view of it. So some officers may try to blame you for agreeing to meet a stranger. If they try to do that, keep reminding them that you are the victim, not the guilty party. Do not let them treat kinky sexuality as something that "deserves what it gets". You were assaulted, and you have a right to assistance from the police. On the other hand, you may just get a warning about being more careful next time, which is probably good advice (as I suggested, next time, set up a safe call).

    2) That said, a lot of what a dom does is technically illegal in many states. If he did pain play with whips, floggers, paddles, etc, he may very well have committed assault, because legally a person cannot consent to being hit (if they could, it would be almost impossible to prosecute domestic violence). The fact that you told him you didn't want certain things done and he intentionally did those things certainly looks like assault and perhaps rape to me (but I'm not a lawyer).

    3) Depending on what you told the dom and what he actually did, he may or may not have committed a crime. And even if he did commit a crime, it might come down to he said/she said, which most district attorneys are reluctant to charge, because it's hard to prove a crime in the absence of hard evidence. Bring any evidence you have--copies of emails, for example, photos of bruises he left, or whatever.

    4) Even if a crime has not been committed, the police may agree to 'put the fear of God into him' by questioning him. Many would-be doms can be scared into not pulling shit like this simply by having a run-in with the law.

    5) So you need to decide what is most important to you. Do you actually want him charged with a crime, or do you just want to scare him into not pulling a stunt like this with another sub? If you want him charged, be prepared for it to be an uphill battle unless you have good physical evidence. If you just want to scare him off doing this or worse to someone else, it will probably be easier to get the police to take action--explain that you're worried he might hurt someone else. If this upset you enough that being told it was your fault will really hurt you emotionally, you might be better off just putting it behind you and not talking to the police. But if talking to the police will help you feel better about it, by all means do so.

    Finally, I'm sorry that this terrible experience is making you think that you might not continue to explore BDSM. A good dom makes his/her sub feel safe and protected, even when there's an edge of nervousness to a scene. Consenting to be spanked or tied up (knowing that the dom will respect you limits and let you stop the scene with a safeword) can help survivors of abuse come to terms with their past experiences. When you were a child, you couldn't stop Dad from spanking you, but now as an adult you can revisit that experience in a situation that allows you to give up only as much control as you are capable of giving up. Don't let one bad dom scare you off something you genuinely want to explore. There are many good, loving doms who will be glad to spank you (or whatever) in a way that is pleasurable and satisfying for you. They're out there, and you can find them if you look.
  5. Knots

    Knots Member

    In the UK, there'd be no question about the illegality of his actions based on what you've said. Proving them would be another matter.

    I have nothing to add in terms of advice, but you have my deepest sympathy and I hope that you find a good dom if you choose to continue with BDSM; really, there are lots of good doms out there!
  6. laney

    laney New Member

    Thank you for all the words of wisdom. I really don't think I can do this again. At least not anytime in the near future. Right now I don't want to be with anyone under any circumstances. I have lots of evidence all over my body. Not sure if I am going to the police or not. I would like the fear of God put into him so he doesn't have the chance to hurt anyone else this way. Anyway thank you again for your input and at least now I know what I did wrong. If I ever decide to pursue it again I will be armed with the knowledge of how to proceed and be safe.
  7. knightnorth

    knightnorth Member

    I WOULD involve the authorities. There hands WILL be tied because you did willingly get involved with him for a sexual act. On false imprisonment it turns into he said/ she said on whether that was the terms of the sexual act. He can argue that physically and mentally you agreed to the sexual act. Perhaps you can get him charged if you have marked on your body, and it's worth a shot to try, but he may argue that you agreed to it as part of the encounter even if he violated you. You lost a lot of credibility in the laws eyes by walking away and not calling the cops immediately or as soon as you could. A lot of time has passed but that doesn't mean your out of options by a long shot. Any mental damage would probably have to be settled in a civil suit and not a police matter because of how hard it is prove. There is really very little the police can due and they probably wouldn't even confront the guy because if they have a lack of evidence confronting him may be seen as harassment. Almost certainly the district attorney will not prosecute.

    Here is why I would definitely go to the police - at the very least just to make a report. This guy may be a total creep and may have decided your some kind of easy target. He may stalk you, harass you, call you, follow you and the more you deny his advances he may become increasingly dangerous and aggressive. You need to establish a history on this guy so if he does become a problem you can get him taken away. 

    Here is my bottom line. No guy you met the night before is the one. I couldn't personally get into a physical relationship with someone I've know for so little time. Never get into anyone's van unless you can completely trust them. For that matter don't get tied up in a strange place if you don't trust that person. If they say don't scream and there is no safe word - SCREAM; Maybe for your life. This was a horrible situation an I'm sorry you got caught up in it. It definitely sounds like you can learn a lot from a safe online environment where you can learn what you want and where you want to take your sexual relationships. BDSM can be a very safe and pleasurable world if done correctly and when in the right hands. Don't worry - karma and fate will take care of this guy in the end. Maybe it's your tip to the police that leads them to investigate other things this guy has done. Maybe it's the next tip. But after a decade in law enforcement it sounds to me like this guy will eventually be behind bars where his cellmate will be ignoring his safe word.
  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Like KnightNorth said, it's good that you go to the police, even if not to press charges. Not only if he starts stalking you and all that jazz, but if you report something and it's not enough for them, next time someone reports something about him, they know about you as well.

    Police can be really accepting of unusual sexuality, and if you have record of what you told him were and weren't limits (like if you communicated through email), I'd print it to bring in.
  9. Aibo

    Aibo Member

    Not a good start, but even so I am of two minds. My ex-ex would have loved it.
    But yes, it is not what a first time should be like.
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Aibo, I'm not sure if you realize exactly what happened. The 'dom' she met did things to her that she hadn't consented to, and had told him she did not want, threatened her, and left her no way of stopping him. At that point, it's not a sexy and fun game of fooling around with limits, it's rape, or assault, or whatever you want to call going past someone's consent.
  11. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

    I dont think anyone would have enjoyed it
    Aibo - your ex-ex would have agreed to something like that if they were into it
    The OP put forward limits to a stranger and they were broken

    If you AGREE to push limits with someone you know and trust - within the saftey of having a safe word so you can get out if they actually prove to be solid limits that is totaly different

    If you agree to anything that is different

    If you set limits and they are ignored and you are put in a position where you cannot stop things you do not want happening to you there are no two minds there - its assault, abuse and rape

    and this guy will no doubt be out there praying on more people
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