Newbie, & I got an odd question

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by whiteflight, Jul 19, 2012.

  1. whiteflight

    whiteflight New Member

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    I checked out the newbie thread but found nothing regarding this question., at the risk of having others lash out at me for this, I wanted to know if there was anyone else who has been scared away by all the porn pics displayed so brazenly on all of the BDSM sites? I mean...I really want to try the BDSM lifestyle (since I was a young teen, I've had fantasies of the BDSM nature, and I'd never even heard of BDSM), but because my personality is a bit conservative, I am totally freaked out over walking into what I assume is safe place for people with my interests and find nude photos of men and women splashed all across the page. I don't mean to sound like a prude, but it makes me feel like that is all the BDSM community is about, and it causes me to second-guess my own interests.
    I have the interests of a submissive and I have wanted a dom who keeps all of that sexual stuff inside the relationship and in the privacy of the home, who might be a little wary of all the...stuff...I see on these sites.
    But...I dunno if that's too much to ask...or if I'm horrible for even suggesting that. It's just something that's been bothering me. I didn't know who else to ask. Sorry...
  2. Brock

    Brock New Member

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    Not at all.
    Everybody is different. I'm sure that there are plenty of Doms who will agree with you.
    The thing about forums is that its a place where thoughts and ideas can be exchanged. This usually involves the exchange of images and videos.
    People usually do this for one of two reasons. Either to help develop their own ideas by showing and looking at images and videos that will encourage new thoughts or simply to display their handiwork.
    I'm sure that if you meet someone and explain your views on this, most people will comply with your wishes and modify their own designs to fit in with you.
    Personally, I find that a Dom/Sub relationship is as much physcological as it is physical. I mean that its not all about the act of sex. Its as much about creating a charged atmosphere. Boundries must be respected. If a sub gets no pleasure from being part of or viewing porn, then I will adapt to suit that.
    Put simply, its about pleasure for both parties.

    Don't be put off by what you see. Talk to people before you make a decision.
    There are plenty of Doms who will understand and respect your wishes.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Brock has some good points. Here are a few things to think about:

    1) Most websites exist to make money for someone. Smplace is no different. The way most websites generate profit is by hosting ads, like the one at the bottom of this page. Smplace is pretty low-key that way, but most other sites want more profit, so they host more ads.

    2) Many BDSMers come from socially conservative environments where porn and kinky sex are considered unacceptable. BDSM websites allow them an opportunity to indulge their desires and express needs they can't express socially.

    3) BDSM involves a lot of sexual activity, although it is not just about sex. Reading about kinky sex tends to arouse kinky people, so they naturally think about looking at kinky porn after they've read about BDSM.

    4) Some people enjoy the spectacle of public humiliation; many kinky people are either exhibitionists (they want people to see them being kinky) or voyeurs (they want to watch people doing kinky things).

    5) That said, not all kinky people are exhibitionists or voyeurs. Some, perhaps the majority, simply want sex to be private, and others are afraid of the social ramifications if they engage in exhibitionism or if their kinks become public knowledge. There are lots of people on this forum who are deeply kinky, but have no desire for anyone other than their partner to see them being kinky. So if you're one of them, you're not alone at all. If you don't like the idea of people watching you have sex, you can be as kinky as you want to be in the privacy of your bedroom and there's nothing wrong with that.

    6) BDSM is definitely about more than sex. It's about the bonding that forms between a dom and sub when the dom helps the sub lower his/her walls and be vulnerable. It can be a very beautiful thing. It can allow the sub to express feelings of weakness, unworthiness and need that are socially unacceptable, and the it can allow the dom to express a sense of power, importance, and demands that are socially unacceptable. It can be about mutual love, sharing of the self, and self-realization. It can be about indulging the wildest imagination, the deepest parts of one's personality, and simply having fun. It can be deeply philosophical and intellectual at the same time that it is deeply physical and sexual. It can simply be about serving someone or receiving service, in the form of domestic chores, financial gifts, and expressions of devotion. Many subs do not ever have penetrative sex with the doms they worship and serve.

    So don't let the porn scare you away. It's a legitimate part of BDSM, but it is not a fundamental part of it. If it doesn't interest it, just ignore it. But you'll probably need to learn to live with it, because the sites that have no porn at all are few and far between.

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