"I dont see myself acting/doing the things that she wants me to do as a dom. I have always been lax and not necessarily sub, I just dont find anything arousing from all this. I guess I've always respected women too much to do things like that."
...definitely an issue I have struggled with before. Respect, in many people's eyes is a rigid standard of behaviour and how we treat others. I'm sure most of us have always been taught to show respect by 'not hurting', and instead of humiliate someone we love we give them praise and support.
But there's more than meets jack's torn-out eyeball (yes I've seen Fightclub too
).
`To begin with,' said the Cat, `a dog's not mad. You grant that?'
`I suppose so,' said Alice.
`Well, then,' the Cat went on, `you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.'
(~Lewis Caroll)
..this is one of the quotes that perfectly illustrates that expressions and likes and dislikes differ per person, or being, or creature.
At first I was fervently against pain, punishment, humiliation, and basically anything that wasn't "respectful". But like you, I encountered people that wanted more, that *wanted* to be humiliated, that *wanted* to be hurt. They wanted to feel my 'dark side'. Eventually I put my pre-conceived and conditioned ways of 'respect' aside, and gave in to the want of a sub by completely putting her down, humiliating her like I never did before (in a roleplayscene that had a clear beginning and end).
I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. How could I be so wicked and vicious and sneering!? That's not me! She, however, told me after it ended she enjoyed it SO much, and she kept coming back for more, eventhough I was afraid to go back to "that place". Hum... what was that? Afraid? Yes, I think I was. Afraid of myself mostly that I could do that to someone. But she enjoyed it! She kept asking for more, and so at one point, I gave it another shot. And admittedly, I started enjoying to humiliate her. Why? Because she enjoyed it, because she seemed to revel in being put down so hard. I did it to please her, and so it pleased me.
..an until then unknown chemistry was revealed to me, and much later, I realized that being able to do 'horrible' things to someone you love, can actually bring you even closer, because you share both your 'light' and 'dark' side. It can actually make a relationship more intense and complete because you, as a human become more aware of who you are and are capable of. (in a controlled, safe environment please).
So in the end what it took for me to understand was a change of perspective. Change in how I perceived 'respect', and how to show my love to someone I hold so high and dear in my life.
Ofcourse, this indeed may be 'not your thing', and when it is for her, it's almost sure that you both will be unable to continue down the path you're walking now. The fact she doesn't tell you about going to BDSM parties is hurtful, and doesn't encourage you to trust her. On the other hand it could be she feels very uncomfortable talking about it to you, because she knows you feel it's 'not your thing', and thus hides it from you.
I hope my words help you out a little, and encourage you to at least give it a shot, maybe more than one. It may be your thoughts will be confirmed, then again: you might just find there's a whole world of intense intimacy to be explored and shared.
Either way, it's important that you're open to suggestions, willing to try, and communicate as much as possible.
I hope this gives you some insight, and I wish you all the best.
~jack's burning whipmark (aka Keon)
[EDIT]
PS. Before I forget: if you are really willing to dive into this, let me give you a reading tip:
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy (and/or the other side: The New Bottoming Book).
These books are really easy to read, very open-minded and deal a lot with the emotional and rational aspects without discussing all those techniques. Good reading, and a lot of fun too!
