new to sub

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by shynnewtosubb, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. shynnewtosubb

    shynnewtosubb New Member

    I'm 25 and have never subed, I'm happily marryed but he just isn't a dom! N won't dom! I'm very submissive in sex but have never been wiv a dom. I'm always finkin about it n really wana try it but dnt wana leave my husband how can I make this work wiv out him noing. And how can I meet a my part time dom?? :(
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    One of the main parts of BDSM is trust (along with communication and openness). In cheating, you'd be doing none of those with your husband, and be showing doms a good reason not to be with you. Play can't be safe if not everyone is trustworthy, including the sub.

    What I do suggest is rather than thinking about it, have a frank talk about your feelings with your husband. Read the forum FAQ both to learn more about BDSM and focus on the part about making a Nice Husband into a dom.

    If he is not at all receptive after that, you have a few choices:
    1. Stay with the husband you love, but relinquish submitting (although I'm sure if he's such a great husband he'll at least 'treat' you with it now and then)
    2. Leave him and find a relationship that you can live as a sub in. Disclose that you want to submit before marrying him.
    3. Discuss with your partner the potential idea of you getting a dom other than him. This wouldn't necessarily involve sex and could fulfill your needs without affecting his. This would have to be done with the knowledge and understanding of all three of you. AFTER you sort this out with your husband, you can look for a 'part-time dom.'

    Playing with a dom behind his back won't fix anything, and any self respecting dom won't play with someone who is cheating. It is dangerous; trust needs to be established, as well as the very real danger of STDs.
    What if you husband found out? I don't know how you would react, but you could say that this dom had restrained and raped you, or out him to his friends, or whatever else. You would already be betraying someone else, so why not him? Even if you didn't do something like that, what if your husband got violent? Your partner would be putting a lot at risk, and although I hate to use the phrase, 'true doms' tend to care more about making a relationship safe and functional than anything.
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2012
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Smallest is right. BDSM just doesn't work when it's done on the downlow. Her three options are basically the non-cheating ones, so focus on them and see what you can work out with your husband.
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  4. shynnewtosubb

    shynnewtosubb New Member

    V always been honest wiv my husband and told him the truth but he finks I need help! That I'm slitly sick in the head n doesn't get it. I have such a bizzy n stress full life that bein out of controll for me is like bein in control. If that makes sence. Iv been thinkin of leavin for a while bcos I just cnt do it anymore. But if I was to leave him where do I fit in? I feel like a freak :(
  5. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Most communities have kink groups (google or fetlife could find your local one). Those are places you could find people to talk to and so on. Cheating won't help, as Sebastian and I said, and leaving him obviously rides on a lot more thank kink vs not. However, I wouldn't say you won't fit in if you leave him, there are lots of other people like you who are into kink.

    But as I said, divorce is a much heavier subject than just kink. Perhaps you could explain more and show him some literature? (eg explaining that it's not like out of a porno and so on, or getting him to read the FAQ here and learn about different levels of BDSM and how it isn't weird). You could also see if you could find a Kink Aware marriage counsellor (if you google that, one should come up). They would help work out your differences as well as help him realize that it isn't such a scary/weird thing.

    (also try looking here: Several of the UK ones look promising.)
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2012
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  6. shynnewtosubb

    shynnewtosubb New Member

    Thank u. Its nice to get advice off ppl who dnt fink I'm odd. I'll try what u have said n show him see if it helps xxxx
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Shy: Honestly, it sounds like the issues in your marriage run deeper than him just not wanting to do kink. It sounds like you and he don't communicate very well--he doesn't want to hear what you want, and you've reached the point where you're actively contemplating cheating and divorce. I think what you should do is persuade him to go to a counselor together and work on improving your communication. Look for a kink-friendly therapist, one who won't simply decide that your desire to be submissive is the problem. If you can get your communication with him restarted, then there's a chance that you can explain what you want in a way that might get him interested.

    Of course, this assumes that you feel like your marriage is worth saving, and I'm not sure you do. If it's not, focus your immediate energies on walking away in a decent fashion (don't cheat, don't call him names, explain that you've realized you're sexually incompatible, try to be reasonable about dividing up the property, etc.). You can start looking around for kinky play partners, but focus on ending the marriage and getting that cleaned up before you really start looking for kink.

    There are definitely kinky men and women out there who will not judge you. Look for your local munch. Look for fetish bars and clubs. Put up profiles on and Fetlife. Join the local chat groups on Fetlife. You'll definitely find like-minded people.
  8. Shy,
    I agree with the others - cheating on your husband isn't going to make things any better.

    I've recommended this book many times in the past. There are two good things about it. First is that it explains how to approach a "confrontation" in a non-confrontational way.

    But it also has one of the best passages in any relationship book - specifically about sexual fantasies.

    You can pick up a used copy for under two quid.

    "Your sexual life will be further enhanced if you feel safe enough
    to share your sexual fantasies with each other and even act them out
    together. This is a very delicate area. Although fantasies are the home
    of imagination, variety, and adventure in a marriage, very few
    couples are able to share their fantasies and then find some way of
    honoring them within their sex life. If you are able to share your
    fantasies, the result will be great intimacy, romance, and excitement.
    Try to cultivate the idea that within the boundaries of your
    marriage, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable.
    Nothing is intrinsically bad or disgusting. You can say no to your
    partner's request, but don't disparage it. Expressing a fantasy
    requires a great deal of trust, so take care to be tender when you hear
    of a fantasy your partner has. If it's not one of your own, but it's not a
    turn-off, then agree to it. Don't take it personally if your spouse
    wants you to pretend to be a stranger, a nurse, or a pirate. Just
    consider it play The idea, the desire, the fantasy is usually not
    understood at all by the person expressing it. No one knows why
    particular fantasies are erotic to certain people, they just are."

    You made an interesting statement..."he finks I need help!"

    People - and particularly men - have difficulty expressing vulnerability, and they often react in a mocking way when their ideas are challenged.

    I hate to mention this book here, but if there's one thing that 50 Shades of Grey had shown is that there seems to be a reservoir of unexpressed sexual fantasies in the general population.

    Perhaps you do "need help" - but it's not because you're being unreasonable or because you're crazy. It's just because you have a relationship that's in trouble.

    You absolutely need to talk to him about your feelings, and if that's not possible between the two of you, then an experienced couples counsellor can be a good way to prevent things getting out of hand.

    The worst thing you can do is not take any action, and just to go on being unhappy.


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