New to Bondage: Tips?

brittany6142006 · Apr 14, 2009

Hello, I'm new to these boards as well as to bondage.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now, and he has recently expressed his interest in bondage, and other types of sexual exploration.

I, being the dominant [not the submissive], would be dominating him- etc. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this subculture.

Any suggestions to help me feel more relaxed?

filfy · Apr 14, 2009

communication as with most stuff, its obviously key. talk with ur fella about it, so you both know exactly what you want to try, where both of your limits are etc. when it comes to safety, you can never do to much research. these boards, though a tad slow, are fantastic and there are plenty of people that have already tried most of the things you and your fella can think of trying and will be able to give you plenty of advice. oh and go slow, dont jump into shit full force. take your time, stepping up intensity as you go. thats how i find my 'comfort' levels and can then figure out if i want to push the boundries or not

brittany6142006 · Apr 14, 2009

I've talked with him several times, and everytime he outlines it, it gets more and more kinkier. I can't keep up with him, I feel like- but I want to please him, I really do.

Yeah, I've been doing as much research as I can, but- nothing has quite sufficed quite well enough. He will possibly be registering on the site as well, so hopefully we can both get some professional help or whatever.

Are the boards slow because the server is slow? Or because not many people post? I noticed it took quite some time for your post to appear.

I don't want to jump too far into it too quickly, otherwise it will turn me off completely. I'm trying to go at my own pace- which is a snail's pace, unfortunately for him.

Thank you, I appreciate your input.

filfy · Apr 14, 2009

the boards are slow cuz there aren't many frequent posters.

i have the same as your fella, wanting to try more and more 'extreme' things early on. luckily tho, my partner is the same. Have you spoke to ur fella bout what u want to try? at the end of the day, even though you want to please him, he should want the same for you. i spose finding a compromise is best. eg. if he wants to try bondage, just tie his wrists to the bed or whatever and see how comfortable you both are with that and if thats a level you are both okay with, step it up abit.

RRR1609 · Apr 14, 2009

Well, as filfy has already said, if you are new to the lifestyle, the slower you go, the better, and this is the best advice you can take. My master and I started very slow, and by doing so, we found out exactly what works for us. Also, i encourage you to hang in there. If you don't love something right off the bat, give it another try because when BDSM is done correctly, it resluts in an intense intimacy between the two involved, and it's a really great thing. Also, there are lots of different aspects of BDSM, not just bondage, so keep looking and experimenting in order to find what works best for you and your boyfriend. Good luck!!!

brittany6142006 · Apr 14, 2009

Well, it's not so much bondage that he's asking for.
He's into the whole spanking, feminization thing.
He also has a fetish for nylons, which- was kind of hard for me to accept for a moment.
It still is...

I'm just not sure how to go about this.
It's hard for me. I'm about as normal as you can go in the bedroom, lol.

ReallyGreen · Apr 14, 2009

I can't make you enjoy something you don't. But if you're good, giving, and game it won't hurt you to learn a few new tricks (and this may come in handy in other relationships years from now too).

Spanking: erotic play with impact DVD/book combo by Lolita Wolf (Dem-Lab S/M Tech). Available at Amazon. Video is so much better than books for learning this stuff. Plus with spanking you don't need to spend money on toys right away.

OSK Productions has a line of how-to DVDs (they have a website but I got the DVDs from CdUniverse); CBT, Rope Bondage, Suspension, Sounding, Puppy Play, FootJobs (a must if your BF has a foot fetish), etc.

Nina Hartley has a series of D/s themed instructional porn, but she doesn't cover anything hardcore, if you two are fine with fuzzy handcuffs and feather ticklers her stuff may be right up your alley.

If you have any specific fetishes or skillsets you need help with feel free to ask, but these should get you started.

Getting into the BDSM mindset can take awhile, but ask your BF to show you any porn or websites he likes (for his 'gentleman's time'), and try reading some FemDom books: She's On Top by Rachel Kramer Bussel or Hurts So Good by Alison Tyler. If erotic fiction isn't your thing and want to read BDSM nonfiction try My girlfriend comes to the city and beats me up by Stephen Elliott. If you have Showtime you can watch I can't believe I'm still single, or if you're really looking for something that'll stick with you, rent the documentary Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist. Or if you can find it (Netflix used to have a copy) Fetishes: Mistresses and Domination at Pandora's Box Where the filmmaker spends a few weeks at the somewhat infamous NYC dungeon.

brittany6142006 · Apr 14, 2009

ReallyGreen said:
I can't make you enjoy something you don't. But if you're good, giving, and game it won't hurt you to learn a few new tricks (and this may come in handy in other relationships years from now too).

Spanking: erotic play with impact DVD/book combo by Lolita Wolf (Dem-Lab S/M Tech). Available at Amazon. Video is so much better than books for learning this stuff. Plus with spanking you don't need to spend money on toys right away.

OSK Productions has a line of how-to DVDs (they have a website but I got the DVDs from CdUniverse); CBT, Rope Bondage, Suspension, Sounding, Puppy Play, FootJobs (a must if your BF has a foot fetish), etc.

Nina Hartley has a series of D/s themed instructional porn, but she doesn't cover anything hardcore, if you two are fine with fuzzy handcuffs and feather ticklers her stuff may be right up your alley.

If you have any specific fetishes or skillsets you need help with feel free to ask, but these should get you started.

Getting into the BDSM mindset can take awhile, but ask your BF to show you any porn or websites he likes (for his 'gentleman's time'), and try reading some FemDom books: She's On Top by Rachel Kramer Bussel or Hurts So Good by Alison Tyler. If erotic fiction isn't your thing and want to read BDSM nonfiction try My girlfriend comes to the city and beats me up by Stephen Elliott. If you have Showtime you can watch I can't believe I'm still single, or if you're really looking for something that'll stick with you, rent the documentary Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist. Or if you can find it (Netflix used to have a copy) Fetishes: Mistresses and Domination at Pandora's Box Where the filmmaker spends a few weeks at the somewhat infamous NYC dungeon.

Thank you so much! That's really, really helpful. I'll ask him to do all of that. I think it's more I'm having a hard time getting into the mindset.

I'm not judging him or anything, but it's hard for me to put myself in his position- I can't imagine why anyone would want what he's asking for. That's just me being judgemental, though. I'm not trying to be, but in some ways it's inevitable.

ReallyGreen · Apr 14, 2009

brittany6142006 said:
I think it's more I'm having a hard time getting into the mindset.

Thats perfectly understandable. I'm sure a very large chunk of the kinky community came not of their own free will but because they wanted to support their lovers and spouses. You'll probably find a few kink activities you enjoy regardless of what your BF thinks, and you'd have liked them before now, only you never knew about them (Remember cunnilingus was hardcore taboo 60 years ago).

Kink is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. If after a few months you still get no joy what-so-ever from BDSM, then it may be time to redefine your relationship with your BF.

I can't imagine why anyone would want what he's asking for.

Most fetishes are deeply ingrained and impossible to get rid of. You can't "cure" a foot fetish any more than you can cure homosexuality. So this isn't a question of what your BF wants, its what he feels compelled to do.

At least with a nylon/shoe/foot/leg fetishist in a relationship you're probably going to have carte blanche when it comes to spending money on footwear. And everybody loves free pedicures.

Sean'sMistress · Apr 17, 2009

My husband and I have recently discussed more about his fetish. He is the reason I became involved. I found out when we were dating and was a little put off at first.

For him it is a release. His job requires him to be able to control any situation that may arise and be extremely dominant. As a release he likes to be dominated.

It took me a while to come around, because like you, I was very vanilla in the bedroom. In the beginning I wasn't even comfortable being on top. (I was young and dumb). Now I am a bit older, wiser, and more mature.

We've dabbled in it for years, but only recently increased the intensity. Some of the things he told me about recently I was unsure of, but as I thought about it more and more I came around. Being the dom, I create the scene, I decide how far things are going to go, and I make sure I am satisfied!

I did an internet search for bdsm checklist and sent a copy to him. We both filled it out (we do switch occassionally) and sent it back to each at the same time. There were things on there that surprised both of us.

The best advice I can give is take your time adjusting to his desires, tell him how much you are willing to do, and enjoy having the control over him. Afterwards, discuss each others likes and dislikes and things will only get better. Do only what you are comfortable with. He should appreciate the effort you are putting forth. Good luck.

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