New to all of this. Help.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by RandomGuy, May 3, 2012.

  1. RandomGuy

    RandomGuy New Member

    So I've always been kinky and wanted to adventure into BDSM, but could never find a willing partner. My current girlfriend used to have a master until she joined the military. I figured now would be a perfect time to experiment and see if it's something I would enjoy. I have a few problems though. I've always been a bit submissive in bed, although I like to be dominant as well, whereas my girlfriend has always been a sub. I don't know how to be a "master." Can anyone help me?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Have you read through the Newcomer's FAQ? There's a lot of advice and things for inexperienced people to think about.
  3. RandomGuy

    RandomGuy New Member

    Yes, I have. I guess I forgot to include my biggest problem which is that she doesn't really cooperate with me when I try to be dominant. I can't tell if its because she wants me to work harder at it or if I'm doing it wrong or if she just doesn't want it. We talk about it and she says that its something she's willing to try with me, but every time I try she says "You're not my master." or she just says no. I'm confused.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    There are a couple things that might be going on here:
    1) She's ambivalent about subbing (perhaps for you, perhaps at all). She likes the idea, but gets resistant when the chance to actually play comes up.
    2) As you suggest, maybe she's trying to goad you into being more dominant. Perhaps you're being very uncertain about taking charge.
    3) She might a 'bratty' sub. Bratty subs like the struggle for control. Ultimately they want to submit, but they want to make the dom earn the victory, or they like the fantasy of being raped/forced to obey/intimidated or whatever.
    4) She wants a mind-reading dom who will magically know what she wants when she wants it without her having to say it.

    The only way to know what's going on is to sit her down and have an honest conversation with her. Remind her that you're very new to domming and don't have much to compare her to. Explain that you're confused about what she actually wants. Ask her to be very clear about her desires and tell her that if she wants to sub for you, she needs to accept that you're inexperienced and she's going to have to take things slow for a while, until you get your 'dom legs'. Confirm that she wants to play with you and then ask her to explain exactly what she would like to do. Your job will be to play out the scene she's envisioning, and her job is to stick to the script so that you can have a positive first experience.
  5. RandomGuy

    RandomGuy New Member

    Thanks. You were right. She's "bratty" and I just put that little bit more in. I pulled her hair a bit harder. I held her a little firmer. I did bite her too hard though and it ruined the moment. But thank you. You definitely made my weekend coming up much better.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Have you set a safe word? The purpose of a safe word is to allow subs for whom 'no' means 'yes' to have a clear way to say 'no'. If she wants to say 'no' and have it mean 'be more aggressive', she needs something that lets her stop play when she really means 'no'.

    And you need the safe word as well. Because you're inexperienced and don't know quite what she's enjoying and what she's not enjoying, a safe word gives you the assurance that she's enjoying things until she uses the safe word. That knowledge will help you build your confidence.
  7. RandomGuy

    RandomGuy New Member

    Yes we established "lighthouse" as our safeword...

    Also, what are some more creative ways to gain control. I just pull her hair and that works, but I mean its going to get old eventually. What are some other things I can do?
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    One of the best things you can do is create a sense of power imbalance; you have the power and she doesn't. So find things large and small that reinforce your superior position. Here are a few things you can do when you're playing. Among other things they indicate that you've moved from vanilla equality to power exchange.

    1) She is naked, you are clothed. Forced nudity definitely creates a sense that one is in an inferior position. It's one of the reasons cops do strip searches.
    2) She kneels while you stand or sit, or she stands while you sit. The former creates a visual imbalance in which she is literally below you; the later creates a comfort imbalance.
    3) She addresses you as 'Sir' at all times, while you call her whatever you choose, as long as it's at least vaguely condescending. "sweetie, baby, pet" are affectionate, while 'bitch, whore, slave" are more explicitly degrading. If you're into hair-pulling, I'd recommend using degrading means of address.
    4) You command; she requests and begs. Tell her what to do and don't say 'please' or 'thank you' (unless you can pull over the aristocratic trick of issue commands very politely); she on the other hand has to say please and thank you for everything you do, even if it's degrading. If she really wants something, she needs to beg for it. One trick I use is that I say "If you beg nicely, I'll let you cum" (or whatever it is the sub wants). When he says "Please Sir, let me cum", I respond with something like "You don't sound like you really need it. I don't think you're desperate enough." If the sub begs better, I'll say "Hmm. That was a little better. But I still don't think you really need it." That's a game you can stretch out for a long time.
  9. RandomGuy

    RandomGuy New Member

    You're great with advice! I can't thank you enough. I really like the command/request idea along with the whole"sir" thing, but the only problem I see with that is that when we're in public she likes to be rude and condescending towards me and I don't really know how to "punish" her for that behavior yet since we haven't really gone too far with things yet.
  10. Knots

    Knots Member

    I think at the moment, since you're new to domming, you should sort this out like a "regular" couple. Have a word with her and say that actually this isn't fair and is perhaps even upsetting.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    There are two things that might be going on here, with her insulting you in public. It's possible that she's a jerk. I'm guessing that's not the case, since you're still with her, but some people just enjoy doing stuff like that. I wouldn't tolerate that from an entirely vanilla partner, much less a sub. The more likely possibility is that she's a bratty sub. Brats enjoy antagonizing their dom, either because it forces the dom to earn their dominant position or because it gives the dom reasons to discipline the sub and the brat enjoys that. Brattiness is also a way for a submissive person to express a non-submissive part of their personality. It can also be a way for a sub to see if the dom is really dominant or not.

    Two possible options, based on the assumption that she's being bratty, rather than jerkish:

    1) Since the two of you are still pretty new to BDSM, the wisest thing is probably to keep the power exchange mostly in the bedroom until you two are comfortable with the basic dynamics of dom/sub play. Once you two have found your 'BDSM legs', then discuss expanding the power exchange into the other areas of your life. So stay more or less vanilla out in public and even in private when you're not having sex. If her rudeness to you in public bothers you, then, as Knots advises, talk to her about it the way you would discuss any problem in the relationship, as equals. Even if she's doing it to be playful, you have a right to tell her that you don't enjoy it and would like her to stop it.

    2) Once you do start expanding your power exchange into other areas of your life, you have other options. Give her rules about how she can behave in public. You might tell her, for example, that she needs to behave respectfully in public, even if she's not doing the full out 'Sir yes Sir' protocol in public. If she mouths off to you, just say something like "that's one demerit" or "we'll discuss your disobedience when we get back home". When you get home, tell her that it's time for the consequences of her rudeness. If you don't mind her rudeness, give her fun discipline, like spanking or some other sort of play that you both enjoy. If you go this route, she's going to continue being bratty, because it gets her fun play. If you don't like her rudeness and actually want it to stop, give her an unpleasant punishment, like time-out in the corner, no TV time or extra chores. The idea here is to give her bratty behavior negative consequences that discourage her from misbehaving. But punishment is only an option if she's agreed to be your sub outside the bedroom.

    One other point: Even if you do start exploring power exchange in the non-sexual areas of your life, I strongly recommend developing a set of discrete protocols for when you're out in public. Requiring her to say "Yes my master" even when you two are at a restaurant is going to get you a lot of unwanted attention from people who think you're abusing her. So if she says something rude out in public, don't try to handle it right there and then; just softly comment on her that she'll be punished/disciplined later or give her 'the look'.

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