New & need SO much advice!

PrettyInInk · Apr 27, 2010

Hi everyone! So, I'm a a newb to the forums and to BDSM, I guess

I've been super sexual and super submissive since I was pretty ridiculously young, but I've been far to submissive and shy to ever really bring it up. I did have a LTR in which we dabbled with fantasies, but I just didn't have enough respect and trust for the guy for it to ever really work properly... Plus he was too timid

Anyways, I got super lucky and by fluke found someone who I've been playing with who's pretty dominant and experienced. I only get to see him every other week or so though, and it's like he's opened up Pandora's Box. I want more, and I don't want any vanilla ever again!!

He knows I'm a newb with all of this, and he's mentioned that he's had some bad experiences in the past with scaring people off, so he's a little leery to "go all out." I falt out told him recently that I want him to stop holding back, but I have yet to see him since I said that. Can't wait!!!!

So here are my two pressing questions for all of your brilliant minds. One is: how can I encourage him to not worry about my reaction? While I haven't done much, I DO KNOW that I want him to step it up A LOT. We have many of the same fantasies and interests, and I want him to know I am not afraid-- what can I do to help convince him of that? He is super caring about all of this, and I appreciate that, but enough already! haha

Second is this: I know he doesn't want a relationship, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I will want a more 24/7 lifestyle. How on earth do you go about getting into this when you live in a really rural area?

Thanks to you all

Really appreciate the help and support

PrettyInInk · Apr 27, 2010

A lil follow up... my number 1 fantasy is the idea of being used, like a toy... I would say slave, but I'm not sure those two things are the same. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to subtly hint that?

L8NightQ · Apr 27, 2010

Welcome pretty -

Your guy is right to be reserved, so don't assume he should go all out with you if you don't understand everything that's in his head, and if he doesn't understand all your fantasies and limits. If he scared some others away it could be that they weren't really into it, or maybe they were and he's got some weird stuff in his head that hasn't come out yet. You just don't know.

BDSM has many facets, but the common threads that makes it work for a couple seem to be the same in most cases.

Communication, sharing of thoughts, ideas, fantasies, so that you both know whats in each others head.
Trust, so that you know that you are safe,even if you get in some scary situations where you are helpless and he might harm you, intentionally or not.
Sanity - We can all get some pretty fantastic fantasies in our heads - some of which are really not safe. This is where one of the two of you can be realistic enough to try to pull it off without causing permanent damage to you.
Caring - the person you want to really develop with should really care about you. It's the only way you can really trust him/her when you move from scene to scene.

One thing many of us do know is that the difference between letting someone tie you up, and coming back to let that one tie you up again can be like the difference between a fantasy and a nightmare. A Dominant that cares about you and cares about what he's doing will take you to some pretty extreme levels of sexuality, submission, pain, and other sensations...... and you'll want to come back.

For it to really work, they must be able to communicate with you within the scene so that he/she can get the most out of you while causing you no long term harm.
Knowing the difference between hurt and harm and being able to navigate some of those roads on the journey takes some skill, education, and doesn't often happen with someone who doesn't give a shit.

Let him progress with you, while getting to know what your limits are, cause I guarantee you don't know what his are yet.

If you want to move up to what you think is your level, then let him test your limits. Where can he hit you, or fuck you.... How hard, and with what. Can he curse at you, humiliate you, call you fat or ugly, or bitch. Can he whip you?, cane you?, with what?, or how hard? Do you like to be marked (welts)?, tortured? Can he slap you, spank you? Where?, how? What things hurt you? How will you let him know if you guys are going to far? of if something hurts in the wrong way? Will there be a way to communicate this to him? What if you are gagged? Do you prefer anal, oral, vaginal, all at once? Do you fantasize about rape? Do you like to be forced to lick dirty things? In the light or dark? With blindfold? or do you like to see what's happening to you?
Where is he in his fantasies concerning all of this? What things does he want to get to and does he know how?
If something gets out of hand and he needs to release you in a hurry, how does that work.

OK.... OK..... I'M OVERDOING IT! Just trying to bring up some things that you both will eventually know about each other. But understand that some of those answers will determine how you come out of your scene. They don't all need to be answered right away, and with most they come with time. You probably don't even know the answer to some of them, or maybe you think you do, and really don't.

My D/s relationships have gone much deeper (on average) than my vanilla relationships because many times, so much more is at stake. And as the sessions get more intense, the trust, communication, and spiritual bond between us has grown...... But we are not mind readers (even though we may seem that way).
It take time. With some, a little. With some, a lot.

For your immediate question - be in some agreement about what your doing, and what doors you are going to open in your early sessions.

Sounds like you got a good one - so far.

Please stay with us and let us know how things are progressing.
I'd like to hear how this goes, over time.
Nice to have you here pretty

I know I just let loose on you, but it takes a lot longer to write a short answer, and I'm late for something. I'll check back later to explain whatever didn't make sense.

Oh yea.... about the 24/7 and relationship thing... Is he already in a relationship? (maybe a vanilla one?)

Hope it helps.

sebastian · Apr 27, 2010

Pretty, there are three things you and your Dom can do to make things more satisfying and successful. 1) talk. 2) talk. 3) talk.

Seriously, open, detailed communication is critical for success in these matters. Since you only have limited face time with him, spend some in betwenn time chatting with him on YIM, Skype, or phone. Try exploring your fantasies this way. Play out scenes where he's domming you or you're narrating a fantasy to him. maybe he plays a scene with you, and then you play a scene with him. Make a rule that for the next 15 minutes or whatever, the person describing the scene gets to set all the parameters and the other one just has to play along. When you finish, talk about which parts of the scene you each like, which parts pushed boundaries and which ones upset you. Teach each other your turn ons and limits. That way, when he decides to piss on you or whatever, he'll have an idea of how you're likely to react.

Don't expect him to be the Uber-Dom Prince of Darkness right away. He's had some bad experiences with showing his full kinks, so he needs to build up some confidence that you're not gonna freak. Doms have limits just the way subs do. So let him go at a pace that feels right for him. Tell him how much you got into being pissed on (or whatever) and beg him to do it again. Most doms like have their subs beg for something. And the fact that he's being careful is a good sign. You want a Dom who's not going to go full bore right from the start, because it means he's going to play safe and respect your limits when he hits one.

Also, ask for safe words from him. They protect you, but they also help give him confidence that you're enjoying what he's doing (since you aren't using them).

PrettyInInk · Apr 27, 2010

Hey, and thanks to you both. I understand (and kinda knew) most of what you were both saying, and we have been talking about limits, fantasies, etc... I understand that communication is key here, and I may be pushing it too much even...

That said, I think it was important for me to hear about him having limits too. I guess I can be a pretty impatient person, and I'm just so excited that maybe I kinda forgot that it isn't just all about me & my limits, whether he's experienced with this or not. Clearly, he does care & is aware of the importance of trust, limits, etc. And clearly, he has been hurt/offended/whatever in the past... I guess I'm being kind of selfish with my impatience. Thanks for pointing that out. I needed it.

As for him being in a relationship, no, he isn't. He's got some HUGE monogamy issues, otherwise we might be headed down that path ourselves. I'm pretty darned disappointed, but at least I know he's honest & caring & self-aware enough not to get me into something that would hurt my feelings. That said, this is my first time ever being involved with someone who I know is sleeping with another person. At first, I didn't think I could handle it, now I really don't see why it's so bad-- so long as there's trust there, and there definitely is.

Anyways, keep any advice you have coming. I really appreciate the experienced advice and alternate perspectives

I'm happy to have found this site!!

sillylittlepet · Apr 27, 2010

Your first question has already been answered, and I still advocate the idea of having a permanent thread at the top of the page that says "Are you a newbie? Click here!" and all the thread says is "talking to your goddamn partner will make this 100% easier and less confusing. Do it. Do it before you post anything"

Second question. Well imaging that you dont get really attached to your master and personally hurt when he still doesnt want a deeper relationship you have three options for new partners.
1. use an online fetish dating site like fetlife
set up a safecall when you meet anyone from online in case they turn out to be a rapist or a murder or insane
2. Find any industrial/fetish/kinky clubs in the area. You might have to travel kind of far, depending on where you live
3. Casually date a number of people and hint or openly come out as being a submissive and hope for the best. If there's a match then hooray! If not move on and try again.
This is possible, my master and I discovered that we were both kinky people when I told him that I was interested in submission and he was all "well I'm interested in domination"
needless to say I was thrilled!

btw, your screen name is SO funny! That movie is great

sebastian · Apr 27, 2010

Pretty, it's very common for subs to be focused on their own desires. It sort of runs counter to the whole external impression of d/s play, which is that it's all about the dom, but the reality is much more complex than that. A good dom understands that his sub needs to get his/her needs met and tries to meet those needs. A good sub understands that his/her dom needs to get his needs met and tries to meet those needs. So my advice is to communicate your needs to your dom and then trust him to try and meet them. Learn what you dom needs and focus your attention on meeting them. A sub should be focused on the dom, and if you can tell your dom what you need and he's listening, your needs will get met. In fact, you may very well discover that focusing on his needs and serving him will meet some of your needs, including needs you don't realize you have.

The danger of a sub focusing on his/her own needs is that you will start to become pushy and demanding. Even in my comparatively brief time as a dom, I've met some subs like this, and I've always decided after playing with them once that I wasn't going to play with them again, because a pushy sub robs the dom of the sense of control he needs to really enjoy the scene. If I don't have at least the illusion of full control, it becomes work and I just want to get the sub off and get out.

Now, if you're doing your job and focusing on his needs, you have a right to expect that somewhere along the line, he will be hitting your buttons and giving you what you need. He might not do it in the way you expect or on your schedule, but he should be doing it. If he's not, then you need to explain that to him and help him figure out what he's doing wrong. But as long as he's showing that he will give you what you need, try to learn to focus on him. If you're a typical sub, you'll get more out of the scene and the relationship that way.

PrettyInInk · Apr 28, 2010

Silly-- I'm with you. I wouldn't say it's a lack of communication (because we definitely do); it's more of a lack of patience on my part... Silly, impatient, excited, selfish me... Heehee. Lucky you with your master... This guy and I are in the same boat, only I have the unfortunate circumstance of living way out in the middle of nowhere, hours from him

I'm hoping that this could lead into something more like what it sounds like you have, but unless I quit my job and move, I don't see that really happening too soon

... And I loved that movie!! I also love ink & tattoos & old school punk, so it just works

Thanks!

Sebastian, you're totally right. I guess I was forgetting he had needs in terms of pacing too. I see what you're saying about pushy, and I'm anything but that in everything else! haha. It's actually kind of a pain because I really don't have a heck of a lot of imagination/specific desires-- aside from just loving pain and being dominated and humiliated (like that's not enough!!). I'm sure I'll find some, the farther we go.
Poor guy, he really opened Pandora's box, and I'm just thinking more! more! and forgot that just because he's experienced doesn't mean he wants to jump right into everything right away. He tells me some of what he wants, but I know he's holding a lot back, and I'm just excited to see what comes next....
Anyways, I'll be seeing him this weekend, so we'll see how everything goes. Instead of a one-nighter, I actually get to be around for a few days, so that's pretty exciting for me!! I'm nervous though, I guess, because I just want to be perfect... For it to be precisely what he wants and something new and scary for me...
I really appreciate all the support

Thanks

Sparrow69 · Apr 28, 2010

welcome to the forum, and not much has been said that i can say more of, except communication is the key to everything in life, especially the relationship between a dom and sub. Welcome to the forum, I'm sure you'll enjoy your stay.

sillylittlepet · Apr 28, 2010

Dont worry, my situation isnt as sweet as it seems, my master and I go to different colleges so we're apart for 8 months out of the year.
Do you live... on a farm? Or just a small town? A lot of people talk about living in the middle of nowhere when technically there's a major city nearby or their town just isn't very large and doesn't have too much to do. I think you'd be surprised how many kinky people are around
Unless you live in a town of 300. Or are Muriel Bagge from The Courage the Cowardly Dog show.

oh my, you are speaking my language! I'm a big fan of all those things ^-^

New & need SO much advice!

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