New here, new to training a 24/7 Sub..... :)

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MistressMallory, Apr 29, 2010.

  1. MistressMallory

    MistressMallory New Member

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    Hola, everyone!

    My name is Mallory (or Mal if you please) and I'm new to this site, though not to BDSM. However, my partner of two years (hereafter referred to as "Pet") has repeatedly expressed her interest in a D/s relationship. I have always been mildly dominant, and my relationship prior to my relationship with her was a vanilla (and with a guy, to boot). He didn't like my attempts to domme him, and that part of me pretty much sank to the bottom of the proverbial pool. But she has been asking for it for almost two years, and finally I decided to give it to her.

    We had practiced some over the last year or so, but had never fully gotten going -- I would always wuss out, especially when it came to inflicting pain on her -- but for some reason when we tried again (this time) things just seemed to click. Sounds great, right? Well, it is and it isn't. There are definitely some serious issues to be ironed out.

    The problem is twofold.

    One, she is a severely disobedient Sub. She likes to test my limits and flagrantly embarrass me in front of a friend of mine, who is a Switch/leaning to Domme. For all intents and purposes I can't trust her to follow my instructions, and while we've had a number of conversations about this, it all seems to come down to the fact that she wants to be a 24/7 slave. I'm not against that at all, but I'm at a loss for disciplinary procedures to use. We have a "punishment bag" from which she has to draw a card if she misbehaves, but they're fairly tame punishments and I want her to endure more, since I know she can.

    Secondly, there's the issue of her disability. My Pet uses an electronic wheelchair and has a significant joint condition called arthrogryposis, which basically means all her joints are contracted, restricting her ability to walk (both her hips are dislocated), write, open her jaw past a certain point, and even raise her arms above her head. This can make bondage very difficult (though we found some awesome velcro sheets that have been working beautifully) and other punishments too painful for her (like the cold shower -- it causes her joints to contract further). I can explain more about the nature of her disability to anyone who has ideas or thinks they might be able to come up with "accommodations" for us to try during her training. On the upside, she is sitting constantly so humiliation tactics such as having her wear an insertable vibrator or butt plug to work (she's a middle school teacher) work brilliantly.

    She is very tolerant to pain (it takes a pretty severe caning to get her crying, and she almost never uses her safeword) and very strong willed. I don't want to break her -- only to tame her for my purposes alone. I prefer she keep her strong willed personality with everyone else, unless I instruct her otherwise. However, I expect my commands to be respected and obeyed instantaneously. We have a few rituals -- she is required to request to sleep in bed with me every night and thank me when she leaves the bed in the morning, and she is required to thank me for loving her enough to punish her after a caning or discipline session -- but I'd love to hear ideas for more.

    And now I'm running at the mouth, and will shut up.

    Thanks for any help in advance!!

  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Welcome! Sounds like you certainly have a challenge on your hands. One of the major problems with punishment is that to be effective, it has to be something the sub dislikes. If your sub likes pain and has a high tolerance for it, pain won't work. In fact, pain punishment will reinforce her bad behavior, because the behavior gets her something she wants. So you need to find punishments that she doesn't like.

    From what you've said, I think the most effective punishments might be time outs. Make her sit in a corner, facing the wall, for a predetermined length of time. I like to add chants/meditation to it--"I will not disobey my mistress", "I am ashamed that I am so disobedient", stuff like that. Make her do chant continuously. If she stops, the punishment resets to the beginning.

    Deny her pleasure. If she's embarrassing you in front of another domme, ask the domme to bring over another sub and work with them while your sub just has to sit and watch and gets totally ignored. Explain to her that if she wants the reward of getting some attention, she needs to earn it by being completely quiet for an hour. Then dole out attention in small doses--15 minutes of attention maybe, and then ignore her for another hour.

    The basic issue here is that she needs to learn that obedience brings pleasure and disobedience brings denial of pleasure.

    If the problem continues, you need to have a real talk with her. She is creating a situation where her rebelliousness is undermining your ability to be an effective dom. She's violating the trust that doms need to have in their subs and she's damaging your confidence in your dominance. The ultimate denial of pleasure is you declaring that you are no longer willing to dom her unless she demonstrates a greater degree of obedience. In general, subs are much more common than doms are, so make it clear to her that you can find other subs to play with, but she's going to have a lot of trouble finding a dom to play with, given both her handicap and her rebelliousness. Demonstrate this by finding a few subs, male and female, who are willing to play with you. Obviously, this all depends on what sort of relationship you have with her as a partner, but reminding her that you have the upper hand is important.
  3. MistressMallory

    MistressMallory New Member

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    Hey Sebastian :)

    Yeah -- there are a lot of facets to this particular D/s relationship that make it challenging, but where's the fun in life if there's no challenge to it?

    I do really like the idea of chants -- she hates saying things aloud (for example, reading from one of the dirty books she's got this obsession with really embarrasses her, even if it's only in front of me) and will avoid this at all costs, so that may be extremely effective.

    I have also been having her "write lines" in the old-school manner, for example, "Because I love my Mistress, I will not try to Top from the Bottom" 50 times or so. The muscles in her hands are weak, but they can take this -- and it hurts in a different way than most CP so it seems to be more effective. Not to mention it's burning a message into her brain, which satisfies me.

    One of the other major issues is the difference in our sex drives (e.g. mine is nonexistant unless I can exert some kind of power over her, whereas hers is the equivalent of a 15-year-old boy's) which can jumble things up quite a bit since she's not used to getting orgasms that frequently to begin with. I'm actually hoping that I can start using O's as "doggie treats" that she can earn with good behavior, regardless of whether I myself am interested in "having sex" or "getting off" that night. Just because I'm not sexually involved does not necessarily mean I don't enjoy watching her squirm ;)

    She's the kinkier of the two of us, but has trouble vocalizing her desires, so we have to work on that. She's very nervous that I'm going to think of her as "deviant" or "disgusting" which is far from the truth.

    Babbling again :) But thanks for the input, I'll definitely use some of those suggestions and see where they get me!!
  4. Psyclapse

    Psyclapse New Member

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    If she wants to be your slave, (and why bother making her one if she doesn't want to be?), then the responsibility is hers to submit. If she wants to make you work to control her, discipline her and keep her in check then you've become the submissive.

    A cheeky slave is fine in short-doses, but it sounds like you want something more permanent? That requires a slave that makes your life easier, not harder.

    My first impression is that you're doing 90% of the work? Next time she misbehaves, cast her out from your service for 24 hours and see how that works. If she really wants to submit, she'll come crawling back.

    Get to the point where you're only doing things you enjoy to your slave. If hurting her doesn't make you tick - don't do it! There are other ways to punish a slave, think about the things she wants from you and deny them!

    You say she's the kinkier partner: make her work to prove it. :)

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