New Dom seeks advice...

dragonriot · Feb 12, 2010

Heh... just typing the topic of this thread feels like an Oxymoron to me... I don't know where to begin with everything that's going on, so I'll just try to get it all in there.

My girlfriend has always been into BDSM... I've always been curious about it, but have always been with VERY vanilla women until I met this one. Spanking a woman ONCE or TWICE was all I ever did before I met this girl. Now, I have a full blown sub on my hands who likes to be naughty. She purposely fights, talks back, and generally misbehaves, just so she can be punished more.

There is no problem with this, except for the fact that she's not submissive at all, but neither is she trying to be dominant. She wants me to dominate her, but she wants to fight me all the time, so I reply with harder spanking, or more force. I see where she thinks it's going to go, I just don't really know how to handle it. I'm a strong guy, and she's a strong girl, but sometimes I feel like I'm about to snap a limb or something, wrestling her into a restraint to tie her up. I swear I sweat more trying to put her in a binding than during the actual act of punishing her.

Any suggestions would be great. I'm going shopping at Home Dungeon Depot later (lol) and buying a few lengths of rope, chain, and dowel rods with some Chrome hardware and carabiners. This weekend (funny it's Valentine's Day) is going to be the first time I get to really spend a whole day with her... We don't live together, and our houses are 15 minutes apart, so thus far it has been late night adventures at her house after we both put our kids to bed.

sebastian · Feb 12, 2010

I like a sub who is resistant; I find it a real turn on. But I might get a little tired of always having to struggle to get the sub where I want him. Clearly, your sub likes the struggle. So my suggestion would be to make the act of binding her a central element of your play. You could easily incorporate role-play to make it more intense. You might do a rape scene, kidnap scene, or cop/perp scene, or any other scene where her character has to be subdued or violated. Maybe she goes to bed and you sneak into her house in the middle of the night and 'rape' her (although if she has kids, you'll need to make sure that you don't wake them--maybe drop the kids off with grandma for an overnight visit).

Once you have her tied, challenge her to get out. This will allow her to struggle with the bindings. I like to tie a guy up and then start doing short controlled face slaps and taunting him. ("C'mon fucker, let's see you get out. <slap> Can't do it can you? <slap> Not so fucking tough now, are you, faggot? <slap> You better get yourself out, because if you don't, you're not gonna like what I do to you.") This makes clear that the sub is bound, it humiliates him a little, it establishes that the dom is in control, and it tires the sub out and makes him more compliant. And it will let you rest a little and get your energy back while she struggles.

Maybe you need to come up with a code word or phrase that tells her that she needs to reduce her struggles temporarily, so you can get the binding over with and move on to the next phase. (Doms are allowed to use safe words, especially if you're worried that you might hurt her.) Or maybe you do a scene with a toy gun; once you pull the gun out, she has to stop fighting because you'll 'shoot' her.

If this is still a problem, discipline her when she struggles too much. Don't make it pain discipline, because she might like that, and you want her to not enjoy the discipline. Once you've tied her up, tell her you're too exhausted to do anything more and just let her lie there tied up for a while. Or make her chant a mantra about not struggling too much or whatever. But whatever it is, make it clear: if she struggles more than you like, she will not get what she wants afterward.

dragonriot · Feb 12, 2010

Sebastian... where in Wisconsin are you from?

And thanks... you've given me some great ideas... maybe time to pull out my lock picking set. LOL

sebastian · Feb 13, 2010

Milwaukee. I lived in Madison while I was working on my doctorate, but I moved back to Milwaukee for work. Why do you ask?

Ruckle · Feb 13, 2010

This was a helpful thread.

sebastian · Feb 13, 2010

Do you have the same issue with your sub, Ruckle?

Ruckle · Feb 13, 2010

Used to, unlol. She liked the act of being restrained to the degree where it would get her very excited and as that was my first real foray into my dom side it sometimes got difficult to know what to do as we (I guess understandably) were just being relatively sporadic (playing switch, outdoor pee play, choking/asphyxiation etc) and dictated by arousal so just finding out what each other liked. Now looking for sub #2 as I am ready (imo) to engage properly as a master.

Obedient Little Puppy · Feb 13, 2010

My master and I like to fight. A lot. A hair pull, or a spiteful nipple pinch, from either of us is guaranteed to set off a chain reaction that culminates in a lot of fun

Fighting is a very powerful thing for us; most of the time it results in him tying me down so that he can do whatever he pleases with me while I am unable to stop him, but if he doesn't bind me, he tends to hold me down by my throat, and squeeze just a little, enough to issue a discreet warning about my misbehaviour.

For a little while, we were a bit worried that constant fighting was interfering with the tenderness we also share. We tried giving it up temporarily, for me to try obeying everything without question, but even though we both loved this, we found we also missed the fighting too much to give it up

We love what we do, but if you're worried about how your girlfriend is behaving, maybe you should probe deeper. Does she actually relax her body enough to let you bind her, or make this impossible for you? Does she actually want bondage, or is it only the fighting that gets her off? Why does she love fighting so much?

Maybe, if you can answer these questions, it will be able to help you both, and also, make sure you talk to each other too. Communication is extremely important.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on

L8NightQ · Feb 16, 2010

Don't know if this will help, but there are a couple of things that come to mind when I read your post.

First is that "some" subs don't feel truly restrained unless they are forced into it. In my opinion, if you dig deep, you find that this relieves them of all "guilt" once they are restrained and completely helpless. This is true for man or woman.
I don't know if guilt is the right word, but it's the best word I can use for not wanting to feel any responsibility or moral inner-judgement for participating in such acts of perceived depravity. That kind of release allows for a different level of excitement and stimulation, no sub-conscious telling you that what you're doing is wrong.
Why is it a turn on? Not enough space here - there are books.
Here's an extract from one:

This generalization appears to hold true for some
submissives, for whom the ^psychodrama of coercionâ€”in which the dominant,
albeit consensually, "forces" them to accept erotic activityâ€”relieves
their individual responsibility for sexual desire. When lust is viewed as a
shameful moral flaw, erotic coercion helps the submissive to surrender to
sexual pleasure.
I think some of this goes back to 12 years of Catholic school: It's dirty
to have sex. The Virgin Mary was the mother of Christ, and she's the
one we're supposed to look up to. [Having been] taught that sex is
bad, I've wondered if perhaps the only way I can enjoy it is if I'm
completely tied down and helpless. Because, if I'm helpless, I can't
stop the person from doing that terrible sexual scene to me; I can't
help it if I came, because I'm tied down, and he made me come.
â€”SLAVE V.

My first D/S experience had these overtones. Unfortunately she didn't give me a clue about it till we were alone and in a position to have sex. She started pushing me away when we kissed. I responded respectfully, backing up, (not knowing) and she came back to me and started again. As I started to take her clothes off she started saying no, oh no, help me please - but under her breath. I asked her what was wrong - she said "nothing". When we got to it, I could finally understand what fantasy she was living, but I stopped a time or two to make sure.... Anyway, you get the picture - I was 17 and it kinda freaked me out, but I liked it.
We got together a few times after that. Each time she did more to resist and fight me, biting, turning, wrestling to get free. If I didn't anti-up she started to get bored. Afterward I wouldn't see or hear from her for a few days (Again... the guilt thing). Then, do-over.

Second - Try binding her arms first with a quick tie above the elbows (behind the back, of course), then legs, just above the knees. Everything else will fall into place. I mention this because most people in that situation try to bind the hands first.
It's usually best to control first, then punish, if she is still defiant. A lot less accidental injury this way too. Once she's tied and at your mercy, handle the rest of the defiance with pain, but if you do please understand the difference between hurt and harm.
Remember that the ties you use on subs like this must be checked often because they need to be tighter than normal. The wrong tie, or the right tie that's to tight or to long could cut off circulation or cause nerve damage.
Lastly - please agree on a safe word and/or action. Bottoms that push their tops to physical contests can sometimes get into trouble. How will you know if you're still playing?

kittengrey · Feb 16, 2010

Geeze, your sub sounds almost like me DRiot.
Anyways, another reason why, instead of the 'guilt' aspect, is the full loss of control. True, she can just lay there and let you tie her up, but that's her basically giving up or playing fair. She most likely wants you to take full and utter control, because its hard for her to give herself to you completely. As I said, its not fully guilt all the time, but more of a difficulty of giving someone else control. I mean, we are independent creatures, who can learn to thrive easily on our own if need be. Truly, how many people can give themselves to someone fully and be comfortable with it?
Another thing may just be attention. Not going into this one cuz I don't have much of an explanation for it.
I know you said there's no problem with it, but you may want it to stop in the future. Best way; don't give into it. If she's going to fight you, then back off. Like any other person or animal, teach her that acting like that will not get her the results she wants. When she is well behaved, reward her with what she wants. as soon as she starts fighting again, tell her if she behaves like that, you will stop. Eventually she will learn.

New Dom seeks advice...

dragonriot

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