Need more from my master...

MadDogsBunny · May 4, 2011

I met my master two years ago. We met on a bdsm website, and he took my depressed, broken soul into his caring arms. He made me happy and saved me from further self destruction. He trained me over the phone and watched me crawl and masturbate on the webcam. Throughout the day, he would call me and give me orders while I was at college, like masturbate in the bathroom or in my car between classes. He told me what to wear every morning and he watch me get ready. I got to the point where I didn't know what to do without him, and I longed for the day I could be tied to his bed, blindfolded and waiting for his firm hand.

I have been living with him for almost a year now, and things are way different than how it started out. He promised to train me, to dominate me, but those situations rarely happen. Don't get me wrong, he treats me very well. He holds me at night, he kisses me, cuddles me, and tells me he loves me a countless amount of times during the day. I love him and he loves me, but I feel like I'm a vanilla relationship most of the time and that is not what I moved ten hours away from home for. He does say " do you love your master?" and I reply " of course, master." He orders me to do little things for him, like get his suit or make him dinner. He calls himself my master but rarely do we do any sort of bondage or discipline. I have to beg for spanks. I have to beg for him to cuff me. And if he does those things, he wont do it for long. He does make me orgasm, and let's me give him blow jobs, but I need more bondage and discipline. I even try to act up and be naughty, but he just lightly scolds me instead of giving me the hard whippings I want. When I talk to him about this, he promises to do more things to me, then goes on to describe those dirty things while making me cum, but those things never happen. I don't know what to do.

I love my master and I am going to marry him one day, but I need to be spanked and whipped. I know he cares for me dearly and he would never do anything to hurt me inside. But I need more than just cuddles and kisses. I crave that kind of pain and domination, but he doesn't give that to me anymore...I feel bad because he already gives me so much and I hate to ask for more. What should I do? Is there anything I can do?

sebastian · May 4, 2011

There are two things I can think of that might be going on with him.

1) The way he presented himself to you long distance is not who he is in person. He may simply not be as aggressive when he's dealing with someone physically as he is when he has the emotional distance of not being with the person physically.

2) His personal chemistry with you (by which I mean that specific sparks produced when you and he interact, as opposed to the sparks produced when he interacts with other subs) is making it hard for him to be aggressive. Let me give you an example that explains what I mean. I enjoy verbal abuse and humiliation a great deal. My slave came to me with a great deal of emotional baggage (an abusive mother, a rape, the sudden death of a boyfriend) that left him with low self-esteem. I very quickly decided that I couldn't do verbal abuse and humiliation play with him, because it would deepen his emotional injuries. Humiliating him gives me no pleasure because I feel like I'm harming him rather than hurting him. As a result, I have realized that my slave is bringing out my soft caring side more than my aggressive demanding side. Our personal chemistry is not taking the relationship where I want it to go. I'm proud of myself for helping him heal some of his wounds, but this isn't what I really want, so I know I'm going to dismiss him, and sooner rather than later.

So it's possible that your master is experiencing something akin to what I'm experiencing. His chemistry with you is bringing out his gentler side rather than his aggressive side. He may or may not realize it. He may have honest intentions to dominate you aggressively, but his concern for your emotional healthy may be interfering.

The difference between these two positions is essentially one of honesty. In option 1, he's fundamentally misrepresented himself to you (or else you fundamentally misunderstood who he is, saw something that wasn't there). In option 2, it more a matter of the personal dynamic that has evolved between the two of you.

What can you do about it? My best advice is to have a number of very honest talks. Sit down with him as equals, as future husband and wife not master and slave, and tell him that you're very unhappy. He is not meeting your emotional needs. He doesn't seem to be the man that you thought you were going to marry. The relationship is not what you want, and if the two of you can't resolve this difficulty, you're going to tell him that you love him, but you can't marry him, and that you have to leave him.

That might sound like an extreme reaction, but honestly you have three options. A) he makes a serious commitment to really change his behavior and give you the treatment you need. B) you accept that he's not the dom that you crave but you love him enough that you're willing to live with the frustration of not being dommed aggressively. C) you leave him and look for a dom who can give you what you need. From what you've already said, B seems unlikely. You seem very frustrated, so just ignoring your frustration is probably going to leave you very unhappy. That leaves A or C: he changes or you leave.

So, if you two have any future together, he needs to change how he's domming you. So have some painfully honest talks with him. Push him to explain why he's not being as aggressive as you want. He may not really know the answers, but you and he have to find them out. Is he afraid of injuring you? Does he see you as too weak and broken to take harsh treatment? Was he lying to you about who he is? Is he depressed and unable to bring out his dominant side? Has he lost some of his attraction to you? Does he lack the technical skills to do heavy play? Is he just less dominant than he thought he was? Are you doing something that is making dominating you less appealing to him? Does he not know how to handle your disobedience? Any of these is possible, and I'm sure there are other possibilities as well. But you have to ask him and he needs to tell you, even if the answers upset the two of you.

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

MadDogsBunny · May 4, 2011

I need him

He has dominated other people before. He has tied them up and beat them, tickle tortured them, and clamped various parts of their bodies. So, I know he capable of doing that type of thing. But he has never been in a serious relationship with one of his slaves. He had one other serious relationship before, but that was completely vanilla. He stayed with her because he loved her. But she did things that hurt him emotionally, so they broke up. I am the first slave that he has fallen in love with. I need him and he needs me. I could never leave him so option C is completely out of the question.
He has been a bit depressed lately because he has needed operations for health issues. He tells me â€œIâ€™m sorry I canâ€™t take care of you, slaveâ€ which makes me feel worse that I crave more from him. He is a strong person and rarely lets me see his vulnerable side. But I am right by his side to take care of him. I need to take care of him and he needs to take care of me. I would stay with him even if he did not tie me up and beat me.
I am not that weak and broken anymore. My master is there when I am feeling low and he holds me and lets me know how important I am to him. He tells me every day how beautiful I am. He talks to me and listens to what I have to say. In a normal relationship, he is the perfect boyfriend. I am not complaining about how my master treats me the way he does. Not at all! I love the attention he gives me and he reminds me everyday what I lucky slave girl I am to have a loving caring master.
He does torture me in one way: tickle torture. He loves it. He likes to pin me down and tickle me everywhere, especially my feet. I like it to, but not as much as he does. I wish he would spank me as much as he would tickle me. I like feeling low and crying while he turns my ass red. I think he feels a bit bad. I cry for everything, sad movies, paper cuts, slamming my knee into the table. But if he makes me cry, itâ€™s a totally different feeling. I like how he is controlling how I feel. I used to cry just for no reason when I was little, and I think that turned into some sort of fetish. I love feeling a wide object hit me, like a hand, a paddle, or a flogger. I donâ€™t like sharp narrow hits, like with a cane, and I am terrified of nipple clamps. We tried it once and I was horrified. I would like to be trained to take that pain though, because he likes clamps, and I want to like it too.
I had a good long talk with him this morning and he completely understands. He has been busy with his job, and the surgery has taken a toll on him. I told him I would never leave him, I just want more training and more control. A few hours later, while we were working in his office, he pinned me up against the wall, kissed me passionately, then spanked me ass for a few minutes. He then told me to sit at my desk and take calls. My butt still stings a little as I write this. Hopefully this will keep up.

sebastian · May 4, 2011

Well, I'm glad that things are looking a little better for you. Keep focusing on communication, because if this can be resolved, the first step will be talking and identifying the cause of the problem.

Depression and medical problems can definitely affect a man's libido, and that in turn can affect a dom's sense of dominance. It's hard to be dominant when you feel weak or unable to control something in your life. If that's the problem, perhaps you might figure out ways to make him feel more powerful. For example, one of the things that makes me feel powerful is when subs beg me to stop torturing them; when I hear real desperation in my sub's voice, I feel a surge of power and if my erection is flagging it gets firm again. So perhaps there are things that are special turn-ons for him that you can provide. Does he like to hear you moan, or beg, or talk dirty a particular way? Does he get into leather or uniforms or costumes (or has he just been curious about them)? If so, perhaps you could help him shop for something. These are things that give me a sense of power.

Also, take a look at the FAQ and read my entry on kinkifying a vanilla boyfriend. Your master isn't vanilla, but perhaps formally recommitting to giving him full rein to have sex whenever he wants will help him get back into his groove.

If he's never really been in a romantic relationship with a slave, perhaps the two of you need to talk about how that's different from a non-romantic relationship. His romantic feelings are probably 'cushioning' his aggressive tendencies, and you need to find a way to keep that from happening. Maybe you two should have a 'vanilla night' when he can express his romantic side more fully without the pressure of having to be dominant. Or maybe you need a safe word to help him know that he can be rougher with you. Now I'm just tossing out suggestions. I hope these help a little.

Need more from my master...

MadDogsBunny

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sebastian

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MadDogsBunny

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sebastian

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