Need Advice Please

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by alcapone101, Jul 15, 2012.

  1. alcapone101

    alcapone101 New Member

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    Hi, my wife (having read 50 shades if grey) is intrested in being dominated for a day. I'm aware what women want this way is somewhat different to men, does anybody have any tips, ideas etc they could share?
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    Hi Al,
    You lucky chap!

    OK...three pieces of advice.

    1. Read the book. Or at least skim it. Then ask your wife which scene she found most interesting/exciting. You may find that the act of discussing it is enough to trigger a rather steamy sex session - which is the objective for both of you, I assume.

    2. Take it slowly - VERY slowly. If this is her first BDSM fantasy then a slow build up will produce much better results than leaping in scaring the crap out of both of you.

    3. "A day of domination". OK...that's actually pretty tiring for both parties if you are not experienced in BDSM. It will be mentally very challenging.

    Here's a simple idea that isn't going to hurt anyone, can be maintained for several hours without "mental strain", and should make your wife feel that you are in total control of her.

    Arrange a visit to some friends for lunch at the weekend. Make it clear that you will both be returning home by early evening.

    Buy your wife some "slutty" lingerie. Perhaps something like a corset, stockings and so on. Order her to "dress like a slut" underneath her normal clothes for the visit to your friends. Make sure the dressing procedure is somewhat ritualistic - watch her as she dresses, and perhaps make some comments about how sexy she looks, and that it will be your secret for the day.

    To "raise the stakes" a little, when she is dressed give her one more humiliation surprise. Force her to bend over the bed, or a table, and insert a buttplug into her ass. If you haven't played with anal toys before choose a "trainer" (small size) plug, and use plenty of good quality lube - especially as she'll be wearing the plug for several hours.

    To help keep a "trainer" plug in place she can wear something like a pair of Spanks.

    So now the "domination" is taking the form that you and your wife know what she is wearing unbder her clothes, but your friends don't. Your wife now has to behave normally, and maybe you can drop some hints in the conversation. Believe me, she will not forget that she's wearing a plug!

    One thing to remember. If your wife feels genuine discomfort from the plug at any time then she should remove it immediately (well...she should excuse herself first, of course!). Explain this to her, and tell her not to be silly about it, or try to be "tough".

    On the way home why not pull the car over and have her give you a blow job? Tell her what a slut she is as she's doing it. She isn't allowed to touch herself, or have any pleasure at this stage. If she does blow you - think about coming over her face, and forcing her to ride home with the spunk still covering her. Joke about sending her into a store to buy something with her face still covered in spunk (you don't need to go through with this...the idea is that it's a threat).

    When you get home, you can perform a simple scene to reinforce the domination aspect. Tell her to fetch you a drink while you sit in the chair. When she returns make her stand in the middle of the room. Make her describe how she felt, being dressed like a slut in front of your friends. Ask her if she feels that this kind of behaviour deserves a punishment. Get her to strip down to her slutty underwear.

    Make her bend over the table, and tell her to finger herself as you move the buttplug in and out of her. Tell her you're traininger her ass so you can fuck her there. Tell her the next time you have lunch with friends the butt plug is going to be a lot bigger. Let her know that you expect her to give you a blow job without having to ask for it - it's her job to keep you happy.

    If she's getting off on this, and as she gets close to coming you might want to give her a few gentle smacks on the buttocks - nothing too hard. Then fuck her brains out!

    How does this sound?

    Last edited: Jul 15, 2012
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    This is a pretty good idea, Stanley, assuming that they feel ok with the social aspect of it. There's certainly a number of ways he can play around with the scenario. For example, during the dinner party he can occasionally just whisper in her ear that she's a slut. Or before the party he can tell her something like "whenever I straighten my tie (or fidget with my wedding ring or whatever), I'm thinking about what I'm going to do to you when we get home". He can play footsie with her under the dinner table, or maybe just give her a quick grope when no one's looking or make meaningful eye contact occasionally, to keep her a little on edge.

    But what if the dinner party idea doesn't appeal to him? It's a little bit bold, because there's a hint that others at a party might figure out what's going on (even if it's unlikely). So let's give him other options.

    Stanley is right is that a day of power exchange (and that's what BDSM really is, voluntary power exchange) is going to be difficult for two people who've never done it before. So it is probably best to start with just some bedroom play (unless your wife says that she likes the idea of doing domestic service--in that case, you can spend a day giving her chores to do, telling her what to make for dinner, and things like that).

    I'm going to assume that you've read through the Newcomer's FAQ. if you haven't, go and do that right now. I'll wait.

    Ok, now that you've done that, you should have at least a language with which we can discuss things. So, as Stanley suggested, sit down with her and ask her to tell you what scenes she liked about the book, and what she liked about them. The reason this is important is BDSM isn't just one thing. There are four inter-related spheres. And just because she likes one sphere doesn't mean she's gonna like the others. Just because she likes being spanked doesn't mean she wants to be tied up, or vice versa. So you need to get a sense of what is turning her on about that book.

    You might want to read through the thread about 50 Shades. Most BDSMers are of the opinion that it's not really about a BDSM relationship; it's about a woman in love with a selfish asshole. The woman who wrote it doesn't seem to know much about actual BDSM. But it's pointing the way to BDSM for those who have an undiscovered kinky side to them, so it's doing some good.

    Once you've found out what parts of the book turn her on, think about how to create a scene that looks like that. If she tells you that she likes the idea of getting spanked, plan to spank her. If she likes the idea of being held down during sex, do that. Does she like the idea of being called names? Plan to call her a slut, a bitch, a whore, and so on.

    Be sure to use basic safety precautions, as discussed in the Newcomer's FAQ. If she wants bondage or pain, read up on how to do beginning play safely and don't try to do too much your first time. Above all, make sure you give her a safe word to stop play if she's not enjoying it ('red' is the classic one). Your wife might the like fantasy of fighting unsuccessfully--she might want to say no when she means yes, so both of you need the safe word to help you know if she really wants to stop.

    Here's something important to understand about 50 Shades, and about actual BDSM. Very few submissives actually want a dom who is a truly selfish asshole who doesn't care about their needs. They may like the illusion of that, but they don't want the real thing. So you wife is not asking you to be a complete prick to her. In 50 Shades, the female lead falls in love with a man who is a selfish asshole who really abuses her, but she can see underneath that he is an emotionally damaged man that she thinks she can save. So part of what your wife is probably responding to in the book is the combination of a man who treats her aggressively but who underneath that is not a real asshole. And genuine BDSM can be a vehicle for emotional bonding between dom and sub. So when you're domming her, you can present yourself as an asshole (if that's the sort of dom you want to be), but you need to offer her some sense of emotional connection. That connection might just be snuggling when you're done, or it could be a transition to romantic sex at some point after you've been playing for a while, or it could be you praising her for getting spanked or telling her you like what she's letting you do to her. But keep that principle in mind--she probably wants some sense of emotional connection with you at some point during or right after you play.

    Just as important to understanding what she wants is understanding what you want out of this. Presumably you are interested in trying your hand at domming, since you came here and asked for help. So what turns you on about being dominant?
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    Hi Sebastian,
    You have a good point, my friend.

    "Summer" here in the UK has consisted of mostly rain...and more rain!!!

    So I suppose I was thinking that "normal clothes" would cover things like a corset or basque. But real summer over there in the US would imply fewer clothes to cover the undergarments :)

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  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Another thing to add to my comment about emotional connection. Doms need to pay close attention to how their sub is responding to what is happening. So watch your wife's body language, the way she's breathing and things like that, because they will help you figure out what she's enjoying and what she dislikes. For example, when a sub enjoys what's happening, she is likely to move in sexually suggestive ways (wiggling her ass, sticking it in the air, arching her back), breathe sexually (groans, short rapid breaths), and make pleasure sounds. If she says 'no', her body language or her eyes may be saying yes. Some subs get very still when the dom touches them, because they are signaling that they won't resist. In contrast, if she is unhappy, she will probably move in ways that suggest unhappiness (flinching when hit, tensing up between blows), make unhappy sounds (squeaks of pain, grunts when hit), and so on. But there is a lot of variation here; almost every unhappy sound or gesture I can think of I have seen some sub do when happy. Some subs make lots of noises, while others are very quite. Some struggle against their bonds, while others become very still. You know your wife best. So watch her closely. She will probably give familiar pleasure cues even if she is struggling and saying 'no'.

    If she shows signs of being unhappy the first time you play with her, my advice would be to switch to romance mode. You can still be in charge, but make it gentle, loving play. That might be enough to salvage a scene that wasn't going well.

    After the session is over, ask her for feedback. Ask her what she enjoyed the most, what she wanted more of, and one thing you could have done better or differently. Listen closely to her comments and incorporate them into your next scene.

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