need advice (finding a slave's limits)

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by alpaccino, Dec 1, 2013.

  1. alpaccino

    alpaccino New Member

    the advice am seeking after is related somehow to our D/s relationships, i need to know how would i discover my slave's limits ?

    i know that when a slave has limits then she is a sub not a slave but anyways i need advice about how to know themm .

    thanks in advance :)
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Last edited: Dec 1, 2013
  3. Jaguar

    Jaguar New Member

    The way that you word your post sets off a lot of alarm bells from a submissive point of view, and from that I believe you would be wise to seek further advice and experience alongside a more knowledgeable dominant.
  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Oh, I very much agree.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Alpaccino: Smallest is pretty much right. The distinction between a sub and a slave isn't a question of slaves not having limits; it's a question of how much control the dom/master has. Slaves typically seek to give up a large amount (sometimes, but by no means always, total) control over his or her life, whereas subs generally retain a good measure of control, especially outside the bedroom.

    For example, my slave and I both think of him as a slave. I have owned him for a year (today's our one year anniversary, actually). We live together, but he has near complete control over his finances and career (I give him advice on career choices, but it's more about motivating him to figure out his path). He owns his car, his furniture, and so on, although they are pretty much entirely at my disposal and he is not allowed to use his own couch; when he moved in, I made the decision to sell his armchair and footrest because they didn't fit into the apartment, but he got the money from the sale. His job sometimes interferes with what I would like him to do, and I accept that restriction. I call the shots sexually, but I've agreed to accept a couple of limits (I don't play with others without him being the biggest one).

    Smallest is also right that you figure out your slave's limits by talking with her. Good clear regular communication is absolutely critical to keeping a BDSM relationship functioning smoothly. My slave is not allowed to hide his feelings or thoughts from me, so whenever I ask him what he's thinking, he has to tell me. During aftercare, we generally discuss what we thought of the scene, including what he liked and what he didn't like. When I'm interested in doing something new, we typically have a conversation beforehand so I can find out what he thinks about it. He has a safe word, although he's never used it after our second meeting (and he tells me that during really intense scenes, he's not always sure he could use it, so I pay close attention and stop play when I think he might be reaching the limit of what he can handle).

    In the early days of a BDSM relationship, especially if you're new to being a dom or master, you should be talking with your sub/slave regularly, at least one a weekly basis (assuming you're seeing her that often). Once you've learned her limits, her turn-ons, and what she can handle, you can dial back the frequency of those talks, but you shouldn't stop them all together. BDSM relationships are still relationships, and all relationships take communication and hard work to keep them functioning smoothly.
  6. alpaccino

    alpaccino New Member

    the thing is in the past i used to know the word "slave" only, and then after reading a lot in this field i found that there's another description which is "SUB" and that's when a slave has limits !
    i know that as a human being there should be some borders for what you are doing even if you like it ... but when the limits are really a lot and the slave can say i won't do it then s/he became a SUB
  7. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    No, that is not how it works. At all. Both subs AND slaves have limits and BOTH can say no/safeword/stop.

    Everyone who has replied knows what a sub is and what a slave is and tried to give you advice. Listen to it.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2013
  8. alpaccino

    alpaccino New Member

    i already did and put in consideration what you all guys said and i am thankful for your advices, am just telling you why i had the two expressions :)

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