Need advice a few questions

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by BelleEsclave, Aug 15, 2012.

  1. BelleEsclave

    BelleEsclave New Member

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    1.So i have been into BDSM for a while and my gf wants to gie it a shot,because she knows i enjoy it. But shes is kind of weary about it. I have tried explain many aspects of it but it hasnt helped. Any ideas on how to introduce her to it slowly?

    2.I am a sub, i have never felt ok being a dom, and i think she could be a dom very well. However she also has a submissive side and i dnt do very well( its kind of embarassing). Help?

    3. At some point if she enjoys this like i do i would like to mention to her that id like it as a life style more so than just in the bedroom. And clues as to how to inform her?

    (Sorry if these should be self explanitory i got out of my routine a few yrs im learning the ropes again.)
  2. Roland

    Roland Member

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    The newcomer's FAQ may have some sections that are immediately helpful to you so don't hesitate to take an hour and go through it.

    I'll try to give you a few ideas on how you might slowly introduce her, however.

    1. Although it is a hetero movie, I would highly recommend watching Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. That's what got my wife and I started on this D/s path.

    2. Have her read a few books like: SM101, The New Topping Book, The Control Book, and Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual (especially if you want to move into being her sex or house slave). You can read The New Bottoming Book. Another good one is BDSM The Naked Truth.

    Now, you really have to suss out if she has the dom tendencies, and has them towards you. You can start off slow and say that "when we wake up on Saturday morning, I am your sub and will serve you in all things." Something to that effect. Choose safe words ahead of time, and back out if you feel uncomfortable. When that session concludes, talk about it and see where it goes. She may not care about her sub side if she enjoys domming you. She can also order you to do things that involve her physical submission like, "Straddle my face, sub, and grind your pussy until you cum." or "Bend Me over and pound Me with that strapon." The possibilities are endless.

    As for turning this into a lifestyle, you will kind of introduce her to that if you do the Saturday thing I mentioned. During your after-session discussion, maybe ask her, "Would you like it if we did this all the time, or maybe every other day or even just on weekends?" It really depends on her personality, but if you make it just about erotic play from the start, you may find transitioning to 24/7 will be harder. I could be wrong; it's up to you to figure that out.

    Lastly, once she hopefully makes you her total sub, no more topping from the bottom. If she gets in the swing of it and embraces the lifestyle, you will just have to obey her. Just make sure that you continue to communicate your needs either verbally or through a sub journal (a personal journal that you write that she can read). Good luck!
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    The number one most important thing is communication. So talk to her, without doing power exchange. Explain what you want, brainstorm things you can do that involve power exchange. Ask her what she's fantasizing about. Discuss your mutual worries and concerns, and how to address them. Just talk.
  4. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Sebastian, she already said that "I have tried explain many aspects of it but it hasnt helped." so I thought that since they are already in a relationship, that trying something out wouldn't hurt too much. If you haven't plainly communicated what you are looking for to her, then by all means, do that. Feel free to use what I wrote as a sort of guide, but Sebastian is the OG around here and is waaaay more experienced than me.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Roland, you're right that she has tried communication, but I think she needs to keep trying that. It's at the center of so many problems that couples have sexually. But all your suggestions are good ones. Problems like these don't have just one right answer.

    And while I've been around a while here, I'm certainly not the definitive voice on anything. Don't feel like you need to defer to me or that I'm always right or anything. Believe me, I have a lot to learn; I'm made a few big screw-ups in my time as a dom.
  6. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Thanks, Sebastian. I'll keep giving my 2 cents when I feel it's appropriate, especially when the people asking are in an LTR and transitioning to a BDSM relationship like I am.

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