My wife has lost respect

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MrDanish, Apr 24, 2011.

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  1. MrDanish

    MrDanish New Member

    Help. My wife has lost respect

    Hi all. I am new here as a user, but have known an read this site for a long time. I hope you can read and understand what i write. English is not my language.
    Well, now for my problem. I really need help. shortly: my wife (we are not married but it´s easyest to call her my wife) has said that she won´t be my submissive anymore. We have known each other for eight years and love each other very much. Unfortunately there has been quite at lot of issues in our time: problems with our children (we have a son each), economical problems, health problems, stress at work and so on. We are both very active sexually and have had the time of our lifes with me as dominant and her as sub, but during problems the activity has dropped.
    A couple of years ago she announced that she could not be my submissive 24/7 but only in bed and not every time in bed. I accepted it because there was some problems and i knew she needed some time. I felt it eventually became better, but then she lately had a surgery that still causes her some pain.
    During all our time together i have had a lust for bondage. Me in bondage, even trough i an the dominant type. She has tried to tie me up and use toys on me several times. I like it and she has been good at it, but also told that it was not a huge turn on to her. I don´t consider my self as a switch, but she does. She can´t see me as a dominant that just love bondage too.
    So yesterday she told me that she couldn´t respect me as a dominant anymore and that it would never come back. I said that i thought we should talk about it, find a goal to go for, find out what we really want both, but she just said that it would never come back.
    I don´t know what to do. We have done more bondage on me than usual, because of her pain, and i thought it was ok for her. That was only so that we could have some kind of kinky sex. My dream is to have her as a 24/7 submissive in some way. I really think i could do i well.
    I love her so much and i know she loves me very much too, but i am not shure that we can live without that kind of sexlife in all future.
    Any comments or questions?
    I will of course talk to her about it again today
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2011
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A few thoughts, in no particular order:
    1) It's really good that you two are communicating so much. If you can resolve this problem, communication is critical. So ask her what she needs in a dom. Why does her performing bondage on you make her feel you are not dominant? What is it that she needs to feel deeply submissive? My guess is that seeing you tied up affects her image of you as dominant. It's planted a nagging feeling that you're not 'truly' dominant, and somehow she needs to see you that way in order to submit.
    2) Many doms enjoy bottoming. It's not that unusual for a dom to order his sub to tie him up, fuck him, and so on under his orders. That doesn't mean they aren't still dominant. And I think there is a difference between a dom who likes bottoming occasionally and a switch. I think it lies in the way you are affected by being tied up and so on. If that brings out a submissive attitude (for example, if you suddenly start saying 'yes, mistress' and become docile, I think that makes you a switch. If you retain your dominant demeanor ("slave, use the dildo on my ass") that makes you a dom who likes bottoming. One gay dating site I use doesn't use terms like 'dominant' or 'switch'. It lets you rate yourself as a percentage active or passive (I list myself as 90% active). That might be a better way for you and your wife to talk about this. Does she need a dom who is 100%, or will 90% or 80% do?
    3) People's feelings about their role in bdsm can change over time. Lots of young doms think of themselves as 100% active in part because they think they have to be active to be masculine, but eventually they start exploring their sub side. I've talked to a few guys who used to be doms but realized eventually that they really wanted to be slaves. And I've talked to subs who have discovered an interest in being dominant. So it's ok for you and your wife to change roles; it's not surprising. The question is, can you two still meet each other's sexual needs as your roles change? So it sounds to me like your sexual role is changing a little bit, and your wife's isn't, and she doesn't know how to handle your change. Alternately, it's possible that she is changing; she may feel less submissive in general and is projecting that onto you (in other words, she thinks that the reason she is feeling less submissive is that you're being less dominant). So you need to clarify that with her. Is she feeling less submissive, or is she just feeling less submissive toward you?
    4) Our libidos are very affected by things like stress, physical health, and age. Women's sexuality often changes during menopause, because of the hormone changes happening in her body. So it might be something biological with her.
    5) Could your wife be depressed? That also affects one's libido.
    6) A marriage counselor might be able to help you, but you'd need to find one who is receptive to bdsm (kink-friendly). Many therapists view bdsm as pathological, and if you get one like that, they'll decide that the problem is the power exchange itself. Don't work with a therapist like that; it will make things worse.
     
  3. MrDanish

    MrDanish New Member

    Wow you are good at this, Sebastian. Thank you for taking time to read and answer my thread. Point 1 i think is 100% correct.
    Point 2: She has for sure seen me as more submissive as usual. I don´t see myself as submissive, but somtimes it´s nice not to know what will happen during bondage. Just let go and enjoy. I feel it lige some kind of break. i am dominating and controlling by nature and have a job as a manager leading an independent department of the company, so it almost feels like therapy not to make any decisions. Of course that gives her some kind of dom-feeling and that is probably not good.
    Point 3: I think i have changed during the years. not much, but a little. I don´t think she has at all.
    Point 4/5: Her libido might has changed as well as mine. When we met we were 32/33 years now we are 40/41. We have experienced some things during our relationship, she has had som issues at her job and now she´s at home because of complications after surgery. She has always been independent and supporting herself and her son (before i met her) and in our household she has provided maybe 2/3 of what i earn which is quite good. now she makes less money when she can´t work an she is depening more on me. So she migt be a little stressed or depressed, and so might i.
    Point 6: At first we don´t want professional help, but it is worth remembering if it doesen´t get better.

    We have had a good long talk today. I have some hope even thoug she says that it´s hard for her to believe in getting back to where we once were. She still enjoys vanillasex, even quite rough sex, so thats a start. She will never become a 24/7 slave that does whatever i want whenever i want it, and she never was. But my 24/7 sub in our minds, in our own way she has been for a period of time, and i so much want that back. Even thoug she won´t admit it, i think she wants it too. But it is my "job" to make it happen, and it will take a lot of time and patience. She is worth it, and i want her to be happy, so i will work hard to make her so.
     
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm glad you two feel committed to working out your issues here. A few other thoughts:
    1) You said that your wife's income has dropped sharply because of her medical issues. Might that be part of her problem. For example, if she is more financially dependent on you than before, being submissive may feel more frightening to her. It's one thing to voluntarily submit to a dom when you know that you can leave if you have to; it's another thing to submit to someone that you're financially dependent on. She may be comfortable submitting when she knows she can walk away if need be, but not comfortable when she feels she has less choice.
    2) It sounds to me like you're not 100% dom. That's not surprising. I personally think that very few men are 100% doms. It sounds to me that you're 80% or 90% dom. If being bound up is something you need, but not something that your wife likes to see, perhaps you can find another dom to sub for occasionally. Some doms have no real interest in having sex with their subs; the act of tying up a sub is inherently sexual for them. So you might be able to get your sub needs met elsewhere. Or perhaps you can find a prodomme.
    3) Are there ways that you two can agree to let you be more dominant, without having her be a 24/7 slave? For example, would she be comfortable with you telling her how to dress or which chores to do? Or could you set aside one day a week when she is your slave? There are lots of ways that you can move back toward your previous roles without going all the way.
     
  5. MrDanish

    MrDanish New Member

    Hi again, Sebastian.
    1: Yes, the income could be a part of the problem. Not the main part, but a small additional part of the problem. That will become better in time, i´m sure, when she becomes well and starts to work again.
    2: You may be right that i am only 80% dom, but i am 100% monogamous so i would never see another woman. Besides we usually have had sex during my bondage. But the more submissive she is, the less i am, and she says that she can handle some bondage but not very often. That seems ok to me.
    3: i´m sure that we shall move forward very slow, and start with small things not too often. I plan to wait some time and then slowly and descrete (with her knowledge) "test" her by trying to be a little dominant or rough only for a short period. If thats a succes we can move on, still careful and slow, and add more and more to it. She does not have to be 24/7. If only most of the time in bed and during sex, and maybe sometimes a day in the weekend, i will be happy.
     
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