My situation...

sebastian · Aug 3, 2010

In men his age, ED is most commonly caused by emotional issues such as anxiety. Unless he's suffered some sort of groin injury or has diabetes or serious heart trouble, it's not likely to be physical. He's become anxious about sex and that anxiety crops up at odd moments during sex and takes his erection away. He's learning to associate sex with feelings of inadequacy, humiliation, and failure. So you need to change the equation to short-circuit the anxiety. Viagra may help him, although without insurance, it's expensive. My advice is simply to explore non-penetrative sex for a while. Get him to focus on other activities like oral sex. Make it clear that he's pleasuring you (make a little extra noise so he knows he's doing it right, but don't overdo it) and as he starts to recover his confidence, his erections will start to return.

Domming requires confidence. He can't dom you while he's feeling inadequate, so put that on the shelf for a while.

master jey · Aug 3, 2010

Domming requires confidence. He can't dom you while he's feeling inadequate, so put that on the shelf for a while.

Agreed

L8NightQ · Aug 3, 2010

hs - I think you can stop with the anxiety problems. That's enough right there.
I'd say he also has depression issues which has zapped his testosterone. How is he when he masturbates? (if you can get him to tell you). When you guys wake up early in the morning, does he have an erection?.

If he can do himself and he is hard in the morning, it's all anxiety. Problem is, it seems like this didn't start with you. How long has he been like this?

Anyway, it sounds like you can get some temporary relief on this issue with the combination of a few supplements, for both anxiety and for testosterone. See if you can find "happy camper" it's temporary but it works. St. Johns Wort, taken every day will help with the depression that seems to make the tears pretty easy, almost to the point where sometimes he hates himself.

I am assuming he is not on any other meds.

If you can afford to go out to dinner, you can afford to get Viagra or other ed meds. It doesn't take much effort to get a prescription or to get some from a friend who has one.
He should also supplement with at least 2 25mg doses of DHEA daily along with his other vitamins (hopefully a strong male multi is already part of his diet).

There is better living through chemistry sometimes, but I don't think this is going to solve your problems long term. You're looking at a lot of work here.

How are things in other departments?

hopefulsub · Aug 3, 2010

L8NightQ -

He masturbates all the time. (We're 20 and engaged. Still in school, so we see each other only on weekends during the school year.) He doesn't have problems in that department. He always has morning wood. We started about a year and a half ago with sex. It was our first time. He was good for a couple months then he would lose it and get depressed, feel like a let down, etc. It turned into a snowball rolling down a hill, and got us in a rut for awhile. First I thought it was me (because I was self-conscious, especially since I don't get much from sex) but I helped him through it, calmed him down. He'd get so upset. I tried having us take breaks from sex or focus on other sexual activities, but we'd end up getting there after a week or two and that'd set the mood for the next time.

Things in other areas are great. He makes me happy and he keeps saying how good I am to him and that he doesn't deserve it but he's just being silly! Lately he brought up that he's sorry he's "inconsistent" b/c he thought it was notable and now he thinks it is and he should do something but he can't go through insurance b/c he's in school and is on his mother's policy and she's very christian.

sebastian · Aug 4, 2010

If he's on his mother's insurance, have him go in for counseling. He can probably get 6-8 sessions with a therapist with no problem--insurance companies will usually pay for that much with very little trouble. My instincts are telling me that there's something eating at him--it might be anxiety over sex, it might be depression, it might be some other issue that he's worried to tell you about. But there's something going on, and it's not likely to just disappear.

hopefulsub · Aug 4, 2010

His father died from cancer when he was 12 but he says he's over that. He never had an emotional relationship til me, so I thought maybe he was messed up emotionally and now it's all coming out.

sillylittlepet · Aug 4, 2010

Talk to your boyfriend

if he doesnt want to talk to you, ask him to talk to a therapist/someone else.

honestly, there's really not much else we can advise to help you help him

L8NightQ · Aug 5, 2010

hs - There are a few other questions I must ask

When you answered my last questions about his sexuality outside of you, it made me think that maybe some of the anxiety is coming from the chemistry between you guys, or at least what that chemistry has become.
Did he always have anxiety regarding sex?

I remember some of your first posts and some of what you said there comes into play here.

Do you guys go to the same school?

You guys were each other's "first", right?
Why did you guys break up for a while? Was it because of the sex?

He was not the one who refused to acknowledge or defend you (choker). Does he know about your other D/s experience?

Was it better after you guys got back together, or was it the same?

He says he's so lucky to have you and he doesn't deserve you.
Try to speak for him and not you this time.

Why does he say that? What is he and what are you? What I'm trying to ask is... what is the perceived imbalance with you guys (from his perspective)?
It's important to understand since he may genuinely feel inadequate for you sexually, and the fact that you need something new now, (based on us encouraging you to tell him) that he can't seem to give you, could be making the problem worse.

Is it worse now or better, since you've told him about your desire to be his sub?

Sorry to keep pressing, but I'm trying to figure out if you have two problems or just one. It really sounds like two.

hopefulsub · Aug 6, 2010

We went to the same high school, started dating end of senior year. Went to different schools. See each other on weekends. We were each others "firsts". He had always had problems with sex, whether it was getting too tired physically to finish or the anxiety break down things. We took a break because I got stressed out. Sex wasn't enjoyable and it felt more a chore than anything. Sometimes the time it took to get him comfortable exhausted me and i wasn't even turned on when he was ready so I just let him go and I ended up getting sore/hurt most of the time. I just wanted to help build his confidence, so I let him have whatever he wanted. Then there was a time it was phenomenal and I let it slip I was happy and he said "ya, sometimes being physical with you stresses me out", which I didn't take well and was one of the things that just drove me over the edge. I was feeling unattractive already, and saw it as all the effort I put in was stupid. We went on vacation (and were still using condoms) and i was so dry I bled from it. It was just a bad series of things from sex to never having time for things I wanted to do b/c he was possessive and jealous of time spent with friends (female, or male). He doesn't know about the other D/s thing, which happened while we were apart (and is a giant clusterfuck I don't want to bring up again). We got back together and it was better. We had sorted stuff out, and I brought up how I liked the submissive idea a lot. We got some toys and such and it kinda added to the stress of being physical. Putting cuffs on me prohibits me from helping him get in, and in general having to focus on me to put a collar on or tie me up or anything like that makes him lose his boner. Even if the collar is on, there might not as well be a leash. I have D/s fantasies I want to do but it's just asking too much sometimes. I suggested orders he could give me like public masturbation, choosing what I wear, or just calling each other by names. None of it worked more than the day I suggested it. The public masturbation never worked. I have to ask him to pick out my clothing, or ask him if he wants me dressed slutty. Sometimes he doesn't even want me dressed slutty.

With the things he says about not deserving me -
He says he wishes he could be better at sex. I told him I love him and always will no matter what he's good at, and I'll support him no matter what. And it's true. Recently he said "I'm kind of inconsistent, I've realized." He brought up potential ideas to "fix" it but they're difficult to do b/c of his mom (insurance policy holder). He's worried talking to his doctor (though confidential) will get him caught somehow.

L8NightQ · Aug 6, 2010

Thank you hs - Your last answers help to clarify things a lot.
This response is going to be to long for anyone but you to read.

So there's good news and bad news

The good news is that you seem to have only one problem.
The bad news is that it's a really big problem.

You are right to have second thoughts (no, you didn't say this) regarding whether you should really marry this guy, and you need to consider the reasons why you are.

All your problems seem to be tied to this one large one. He has some growing to do and he's not going to do it with you. As a matter of fact, you might make some of his problems worse.
He in turn is draining you of your ability to grow and mature in terms of sexuality, intimacy, and other things. And if it doesn't kill your relationship in the near future, it certainly will in the long term.

You've got all these things growing inside you and you just want him to be there with you to share your experiences.
You are a really good and loyal person who believes, like many of us, that your love can sustain and fix just about anything.

But he sees the world differently than you.

I have no doubt that he is a good person also. He's just at a different point, with different needs. One of those things is that he needs to be able to survive with different friends and different girls.

Even though some of us had the perfect relationships and persons for "firsts", it doesn't often turn into the perfect marriage.

You guys are still in school, and you're dealing with LD relationships "and" sexual problems, jealousy, insecurity, and incompatibilities like all of us do, or did, when we're young and growing.
Perfectly normal.... Perfectly healthy...... Except you don't marry into all that.

You marry after you've had all that, dealt with all that, and came out on the other side OK, happy, and balanced.

At some point, after you guys have grown in different directions, you may come together and not only love each other, but actually be good for each other...
But with all you guys are going through, you add the pressure of being engaged?

I did this. After years of frustration, but a really deep love, and desperation to not let it fail.... I asked someone to marry me because I thought she needed that kind of security to make our problems go away.... and "everything would be alright after that".

It wasn't. Marrying this person did not help any of the problems that existed in them beforehand.

If you really want to help him.... Help you.
There's a book by a guy named Hendricks called "Getting the Love You Want".
Get it. Read it together, or read it yourself. Skip the exercises if you read it alone, you could do them if you read it together.

Trust me, it's not what you think. This book taught me more about love in the first 5 chapters than everything I had read before (and I read a lot). And I guarantee it will help you understand him much better.
More than anything else, it helped me understand how relationships work at both unconscious and conscious levels. And it taught me why, no matter how hard I try, I can't fix my relationship problems myself.

I wish my perceptions were better, but you came here for the truth.

Sometimes the hardest questions to face.... are the ones we already know the answers to.

My situation...

sebastian

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master jey

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L8NightQ

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hopefulsub

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sebastian

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hopefulsub

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sillylittlepet

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L8NightQ

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hopefulsub

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L8NightQ

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