My situation...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by hopefulsub, Aug 2, 2010.

  1. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    I know you guys have probably discussed something like this before, but my situation is a little different.

    I had a master, it ended. I'm now engaged to a different guy. I love him very much as I should :) The problem is he isn't in to BDSM, and in general our sex life isn't that great. We're 20 and I figured we'd be fucking like rabbits. He has anxiety a lot of the time which is hard to work through, and when we try to do a little bdsm it can get him distracted enough to crash the moment. He has a really hard time staying hard (no pun intended) and I don't know what to do. He gets so anxious about it I can sit on top of him naked and it won't do anything then he ends up getting upset (crying, the whole deal). I don't attack him for it. He's had this problem for a year and a half now, since we started. I just crave being a sub and I find myself trying to encourage him and get him to a point where he can at least have sex. Finishing is difficult for him too. I just end up being the director in it all and my mind wanders back to when I was a real sub. Other things to note: He knows about my desire to be a sub, and he doesn't have the ability to see a therapist or get meds for ED.
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    First of all, where's the pun in hard lol? It seems pretty literal to me =P

    second of all, your problem isnt really a BDSM related one but a performance anxiety one.

    My advice would be to completely take the pressure away from having sex and getting hard. Ask him to pleasure you orally or with his fingers. Be gentle, tell him what you like and ease him away from what you don't. Encourage him and be supportive. Spend a few nights without trying to have any sex at all. Instead, do something sensual like take a relaxing bath together, a sensual massage, cuddling and kissing, things where the point is just to enjoy yourself and not have the end goal be sexual intercourse or an erection

    Basically what I'm saying is, dont make a big deal out of his performance. Let him know that you love being with him regardless of what you do in bed. Give him the space and time to get hard and excited on his own without having to worry about anything else.

    Remember that communication is your best friend. Talk to him about what he likes, what he would like to try. Just stay open and honest with the talking.

    Also, what is ED and what does it have to do with being a sub? How are they at all related?

    EDIT: oh wait is it erectile dysfunction? lol I still don't see how that's related to your sub-ness
    also he doesn't necessarily need meds or a therapist, a lot of it is psychological
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    You can do BDSM without sex as simple as that,as slp said let him relax a bit don't push him

    If he doesn't have this problem all the time he doesn't need a doctor but if it's really erectile dysfunction then you must find urologist

    The post was formed really bad had to read it 3 times to understand what the problem was
  4. WrathofThor

    WrathofThor New Member

    I can relate to this completely and I understand the feelings he's having. I had inflammation in my brain and spine that made me unable to have sex for 3 months. The first night I got an erection was a hopeful sign, and the first time ejaculating felt like a miracle. However, the anxiety of not being up to the level of sexual performance (I was a fucking tiger, insationable 7 hour straight passionate nights) is still with me. Let me tell you now that my girlfriend has been a saint and never put any pressure on me, as I'm sure you are for him - but still, it's not enough. The root of the problem is in how he, as a man, feels about himself and that pressure is something I believe can be diverted but never fully escaped. I still look in disgust at the insensitive assholes who, despite their complete lack of sexual creativity or attentiveness, have more fuel in the tank than me. You'll have to be patient with him, and playing up your submissiveness is something that will do wonders for his self-esteem, Personally, BDSM for me is an amazing way to balance out this change and feel confident in my sex life and it may become that for him if he is so inclined. Maybe try forms of play that place a smaller emphasis on the d/s but still leave you at his mercy to get the ball rolling.

    On a medical note, as a TCM student, I can only recommend that he find a qualified acupuncturist/chinese herbalist to treat his problem. The holistic approach takes the entire being into perspective, and most ED problems are rooted in anxiety that, in turn, is rooted in ED. Acupuncture treats the root cause, which is a physical and emotional imbalance in the body, and has done AMAZING things for me. Making sure he exercises regularly and eats healthy is important too, but most young people with ED have it because of personal stagnation. Stick some needles in and get the energy flowing! If that doesn't work, it's a congenital weakness that will require Western drugs to stimulate the penis, but this is very unlikely.

    For fun, try an over the counter product called VM-25 or V25. Any of the natural, herbal sex enhancers. Or buy some Yohimbe, an herb that physically promotes blood flow to the genitals in particular. Sometimes one night a little extra help can boost his confidence. Just remember that the same energy that gets him up is the one that makes him feel secure, confident, and free.

    Best wishes to both of you. I know it's hard, but I'm sure your love for him is doing more than he can express to you in words.
  5. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    Anything extra, i.e. bdsm, puts him into the anxiety mood where he starts worrying about performing. That's why the bdsm part is involved. He's told me it stresses him out, and has even said sex in general is stressful. I thought being a sub would take away the anxiety, he'd have a toy and wouldn't have to feel responsible for doing anything but what he wanted. Sometimes I feel like he feels the need to fuck or else (he thinks) I feel let down. I just want him happy sexually.

    The reason I thought it might be ED is because he said he feels fine at times, no anxiety, and he loses his erection. He doesn't know why and I sure don't.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2010
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    You ought to talk to him about your sexual needs then

    let him know that you'd be perfectly happy even if there was no intercourse

    What does it mean when he "feels fine"? Do you mean he isnt stressed or he's feeling horny? You also need to talk about what happens when he loses his erection. What are the thoughts in his mind? What is he thinking about when he is hard?

    Sometimes my master loses his erection when he loses focus of what we're doing. Is he the same way?

    like I said, I would involve yourself with some totally non-sex related acts to take some tension away. Purely sensual acts (which I can assure you are very fun)

    a check-up (there must be a way to see if he really has ED) probably wont kill him financially
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2010
  7. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    There are times where he is legitimately anxious and times where he, in his words, honestly felt fine and wasn't anxious and was ready to go then *poof*. Sometimes it's beforehand, or sometimes during.

    I tell him all the time that I don't need sex, and I love doing anything. He just gets really upset over it and when we try to take a break from it (which we've done a bunch of times) he ends up wanting it and we go for it.

    And I know there are sooooooooo many things we can do without sex. I just don't want him to feel like I've "given up" or think he can't do it. That's not the case at all.
  8. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    Sex is smallest part of bdsm :)
    tell him to drink viagra once if that fixes the problem then his problem is nothing good doctor can't fix :)
    If not than it's all stress :) and he needs to forget bout all the problems for a while relax and just order you around for a while perfect chance to show yourself as a sub :)
    Ordering around my sub always helps me :)
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2010
  9. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    I know bdsm is more than that. He's just really turned off to being dominant unless sex is involved.
  10. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Honestly, I dont think there's anything we can tell you thats going to solve your problem

    you're either going to have to:
    a. suck it up and deal with the fact that your sex life is bad
    b. ask him to see a doctor
    c. try various herbs and medicines
    d. hope that he gets over this problem on his own terms

    what else can we say here?
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    In men his age, ED is most commonly caused by emotional issues such as anxiety. Unless he's suffered some sort of groin injury or has diabetes or serious heart trouble, it's not likely to be physical. He's become anxious about sex and that anxiety crops up at odd moments during sex and takes his erection away. He's learning to associate sex with feelings of inadequacy, humiliation, and failure. So you need to change the equation to short-circuit the anxiety. Viagra may help him, although without insurance, it's expensive. My advice is simply to explore non-penetrative sex for a while. Get him to focus on other activities like oral sex. Make it clear that he's pleasuring you (make a little extra noise so he knows he's doing it right, but don't overdo it) and as he starts to recover his confidence, his erections will start to return.

    Domming requires confidence. He can't dom you while he's feeling inadequate, so put that on the shelf for a while.
  12. master jey

    master jey Moderator

  13. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    hs - I think you can stop with the anxiety problems. That's enough right there.
    I'd say he also has depression issues which has zapped his testosterone. How is he when he masturbates? (if you can get him to tell you). When you guys wake up early in the morning, does he have an erection?.

    If he can do himself and he is hard in the morning, it's all anxiety. Problem is, it seems like this didn't start with you. How long has he been like this?

    Anyway, it sounds like you can get some temporary relief on this issue with the combination of a few supplements, for both anxiety and for testosterone. See if you can find "happy camper" it's temporary but it works. St. Johns Wort, taken every day will help with the depression that seems to make the tears pretty easy, almost to the point where sometimes he hates himself.

    I am assuming he is not on any other meds.

    If you can afford to go out to dinner, you can afford to get Viagra or other ed meds. It doesn't take much effort to get a prescription or to get some from a friend who has one.
    He should also supplement with at least 2 25mg doses of DHEA daily along with his other vitamins (hopefully a strong male multi is already part of his diet).

    There is better living through chemistry sometimes, but I don't think this is going to solve your problems long term. You're looking at a lot of work here.

    How are things in other departments?
  14. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    L8NightQ -

    He masturbates all the time. (We're 20 and engaged. Still in school, so we see each other only on weekends during the school year.) He doesn't have problems in that department. He always has morning wood. We started about a year and a half ago with sex. It was our first time. He was good for a couple months then he would lose it and get depressed, feel like a let down, etc. It turned into a snowball rolling down a hill, and got us in a rut for awhile. First I thought it was me (because I was self-conscious, especially since I don't get much from sex) but I helped him through it, calmed him down. He'd get so upset. I tried having us take breaks from sex or focus on other sexual activities, but we'd end up getting there after a week or two and that'd set the mood for the next time.

    Things in other areas are great. He makes me happy and he keeps saying how good I am to him and that he doesn't deserve it but he's just being silly! Lately he brought up that he's sorry he's "inconsistent" b/c he thought it was notable and now he thinks it is and he should do something but he can't go through insurance b/c he's in school and is on his mother's policy and she's very christian.
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2010
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    If he's on his mother's insurance, have him go in for counseling. He can probably get 6-8 sessions with a therapist with no problem--insurance companies will usually pay for that much with very little trouble. My instincts are telling me that there's something eating at him--it might be anxiety over sex, it might be depression, it might be some other issue that he's worried to tell you about. But there's something going on, and it's not likely to just disappear.

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