Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by knightnorth, May 2, 2012.
Knight, I can empathize. I was partnered to a totally vanilla guy for 8 years, and then he left me. I'm single now, and seeking a boy to own. So I know a little of what you're dealing with. Here are a few thoughts:
1) You sound sort of depressed. Have you considered counseling? Individual counseling might help your mood and couples counseling might help you and your wife work through some of your sexual issues.
2) I'm surprised that you're having such trouble in DC. It's FILLED with kinky gay guys (after NYC, SF, and perhaps Chicago, it's the place to go to find kinky queers), so I would have thought there were lots of kinky straight women too. Have you found the local munches? Also, have you tried going to Mid-Atlantic Leather? MAL happens in January, and my understanding is it's quite large. It's for gay leathermen, but most gay leather events have some straight leatherwomen at them.
3) It's probably true that there are more sub guys than women, but there are lots of submissive women seeking doms. There are definitely more subs than doms, so the numbers out to work in your favor. (At least among gay men, it's a dom's market.) Have you taken a close look at your online profile on sites like Collarme? In my experience, a lot of people don't do a good job of advertising themselves online. Here are a couple things to think about as you review your profile:
A) Are you specific and accurate about what you want? I've seen profiles that say a guy is dominant but he messages me and says he's a sub. If you want bondage, for example, say so. I've read many vague profiles where I couldn't tell what the person actually wanted.
B) Are your profile pics good, appealing pictures of you? I'm always shocked that so many people post unflattering, blurry, obviously outdated, or otherwise unappealing pictures of themselves, or else have no photos at all, or only a photo of a random body part. If you're a supermodel, you can get away with just a pic of your chest or your ass, but if you're a mere mortal like me, you need to show a good picture of your face (or indicate that you're willing to trade face pics).
C) Does your photo say 'dom' to those who look at it? A pic of you with your cat or sitting at the beach is fine for a vanilla profile, but for a kinky personals ad, you need to show that you look like a dom. So post a pic of you in leather, or you looking stern, or you with an evil grin, or something else like that. Remember, the more you fit the image of what your sub wants, the more responses you'll get. And post multiple pics of yourself. Your profile pic of you in leather might not hit the spot, but that second pic of you in a uniform might do the trick. Also, rotate your profile pic every month or two--it will get people who have already read your profile to give it another look.
D) Is there anything in your profile that might discourage the subs you're looking for? I'm always surprised by the number of people who bitch about how hard it is to meet people in their ads. All that does is make the person look whiny. So take out anything that seems really negative. You get more flies with honey, as the saying goes.
E) Are you encouraging people to respond? If you're willing to train a totally novice sub, say so. Many subs are reluctant to respond to a profile because they think the dom wants someone experienced. Do you offer a list a things you enjoy ("Among the things I like are bondage, tit torture, and watersports") or do you have a rigid list of qualifications ("must enjoy bondage, tit torture, and watersports")? The former suggests a sub who doesn't like water sports might still be a good match, while the latter suggests that any sub who doesn't like watersports should not apply. Now obviously, if no watersports is a deal-breaker, by all means say so. But if it's not a deal-breaker, make sure your profile makes that clear.
F) Are you presenting yourself as the Uber-Dom Prince of Darkness? If so, you're only going to get the really confident subs responding. Do you have an intimidating description of what you're going to do? ("Subs must expect to surrender all contact with their families and co-workers and live in a cage.") If so, you're only going to get the small number of subs who actively want an intense dom.
G) Does your profile indicate that you understand the basics of safe play, will abide by the limits a sub sets, and so on? If not, you may be scaring some subs off.
4) Finally, assess yourself realistically as a potential partner. You're probably middle-aged (since you've been with a women for 15 years), so, like me, you know long have the glow of youth and beauty to draw people in (and if you do, I hate you). So you need to think about ways to balance that out. Being an older dom is generally a good thing, since it means you have experience on your side. What else can you do to make yourself more appealing? If you're overweight, seriously think about hitting the gym and slimming down and toning up. That did wonders for me. I also realized that I look much better with a goatee than clean-shaven, so I've just accepted that I have to wear facial hair. Is your current hair-style flattering and age-appropriate? If not change it. The Aging Hippie Mullet (you know the type--long grey hair, worn in a ponytail, but balding on top) scares a lot of people off. I have no idea what you look like. Maybe your appearance is in perfect order and you look like Anderson Cooper (and again, if you do, I hate you). But my experience was that I needed to take a very harsh look at myself before I could see some of the things that were keeping me from getting dates. Once I did, my fortunes changed significantly, although I'm still single.
I hope this helps a little bit.
You think so? I've always kind of observed more subby females than males.
I don't mean to take this thread off topic, more hoping to give best possible advice.
I can navigate all the dating sites I use on my iPhone (although I do prefer to use my laptop--it's just easier).
I totally know what you mean about not being good in bars--I'm exactly the same way. I realize this is a weakness of mine, dating-wise, and I keep trying to figure out solutions or ways that I can teach myself to do better with strangers in person. Yeah, the internet is a huge boon for me.
You might look through the Newcomer's FAQ. I have a post there about some of the dating sites you might check out. If you don't know Collarme, there might be others you're missing.
Knots: Perhaps you're right. I'm obviously much more familiar with the gay scene than the straight scene. But I think some women might be reluctant to explore submissiveness because they are already lower status than men, whereas men find subbing powerful in part because they are on top.
I expect this is the reason why some people are less reluctanct/more willing respectively, but I don't personally think it tips the scales that way. Though I'm not certain, and I'm sure from the gay scene it probably looks quite different!
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