My needs are off. Am I appropriate for the BDSM scene?

Discussion in 'Guest forum' started by Unregistered, Jun 7, 2013.

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  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    I realize there are likely a billion threads like this, and I appologize whole-heartedly for adding to the clutter, but I'm more than a little lost and so I thought I'd ask you, the people who actually know something about the subject, rather than seeking out biased sources elsewhere. I'm making my own thread since noone's case is exact (nor do I think they want me asking questions in _their_ thread), so here's the neigh-on tradtionally mandated personal story for this situation:

    I have a warped psychology, and I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of sex. I have, on the other hand, had sexual encounters that to this day make it hard for me to breathe because of the sheer intensity of it. I'm a heterosexual male, about 26 years old, who has been (legally speaking) sexually assaulted by 3 different women and my heart's pounding just writing that much about them. In the spirit of honesty, I'll point out that I'm not particularly attractive, so I have no idea why I was targeted. I'll also say this started VERY EARLY in my life (probably earlier than you think), and probably left an imprint. Each case involved cutting off escape routes, usually bodily, pressing their loins against mine and grinding against me, usually belittling me in the process. I had no control, no escape, and was terrified of these women both socially & emotionally. Then they left, and for years now I've had this burning ache in my chest to return to that moment of intense sexuality and fear. It sounds like I'm a sub, and a candidate for a BDSM lifestyle!

    ...But I've tried being submissive, and I don't have any sort of feelings like I did above. I don't get a rise out of fantasy, in fact, I think having to fantasize is what kills my sexual satisfaction. I have to _believe_ it, and be terrified. The women who "attacked" me were my social superiors (often the "queen bee" type) who could have completely ruined my social life, were idolized or intensely hated by the girls around them, and chased after by all the boys. I could _not_ have them, yet there they were going after _me_, even if it was just for a laugh. I was afraid of something real. Their condescension was real. I don't know how permission plays into it, because they certainly didn't have mine at the start. Their power was complete, and I was (excuse the phrase) blissfully lost to whims of their will. That's why I _still_ think about them, even decades later.

    When I tried going through the motions, though, it felt completely fake. To be fair, I was with someone who was naturally submissive like me, but in other ways. Perhaps that's why, but it didn't seem like she was the problem persay. Like I said, I'm not into fantasies. I certainly don't like the idea of saying "yes you can do this" - I'd rather it be taken and my overwhelming satisfaction a lucky but coincidental side effect. I don't know much about BDSM, but I do know that safety and limits are quintessential. Even a slave/master relationship is a partnership above all else, with clear limits and established permission. If there's safety and limits, how can I be afraid? And if I can't be afraid, how can I be aroused?

    I did say my psychology is warped. But all this makes me wonder, am I appropriate for the scene? Or do I have unrealistic desires? If so, well... shit. I've had to leave relationships that were otherwise perfect because at night I had this overwhelming hollow sensation, and complete lack of sexual satisfaction. I'm using the power of anonymity to achieve honesty, and to be honest I'm at my wits end. I'd appreciate advice. I hate this and don't know where to turn.
     
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm not a psychologist or therapist, but honestly, if you feel that what happened to you rises to the level of sexual assault, I strongly recommend that you find a therapist to speak to about your experiences. You might try a Rape Counseling service, but they are often not set up to help male victims of sexual assault, so finding a therapist might be your best option. These incidents seem to have had a severe effect on your sexuality, and it may take you a while to unpack the consequences of these experiences for you.

    It's possible that you're simply kinky, but given that you feel sort of hollow and unsatisfied, it sounds like your issues go deeper than simple kinkiness. You're right that safety and limits are important, and if your desires essentially require actual danger and violation of limits to bring you satisfaction, there's a problem. Not all kinky fantasies are safe to explore, and it sounds like yours, by definition, are unsafe. So rather than thinking of yourself as genuinely kinky, I think you are better off thinking of yourself as a victim of sexual assault. You may be kinky underneath that, but given that you don't feel genuinely submissive, I'd say maybe not.
     
  3. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and I appologize for dumping my problems on you (and being unclear while doing it).

    I'd like to clarify a bit though, because I think it's likely that I spoke a little too strongly. I certainly didn't interpret what happened to me as anything like a rape, or mean to evoke something that serious with my phrasing. Legally it was sexual contact without consent, and I tried to escape but only because that was the "appropriate" response, not because I wanted to... So yes, legally it was against my will... but perhaps "harrassment" is significantly more appropriate a word than "assault." Or perhaps even that is too strong. I appologize for being so unclear - I couldn't possibly equate what happened to me to the horrible situations others who have had actual trauma have had. I'd never want to downplay rape, nor play up what happened to me. The two are lightyears apart.

    I don't know what's wrong with me, or why, but as soon as I say "I want you to please do this" or indicate that "yes, this is okay" or heck even get asked if it's okay (unless it's tauntingly) I lose most of my arousal. That, in my mind, immediatly and irrevocably puts me in control. That kills arousal fast. I can keep it up, so to speak, but there wont be any satisfaction. That air of control and power becomes no more than a fantasy in my mind, and like I said, I'm averse to fantasy. I escape into fantasy. I want this one thing in my life to be real.

    It's like conquest. If you invite the invader in and tell them where to leave their sword, it's not a conquest, it's just a house party. My mind craves conquest. Armed resistance, completely crushed. Like Ceasar to the Gauls. Or more accurately like a tropical monsoon - the fusion of overhwelming, unrelenting force and the soothing warmth and weightlessness of tropical water once the flood has passed overhead. Uninvited, resisted, crushed, and absorbed. Is this dangerous, or natural? And more pointedly, can a healthy BDSM relationship be like that? Or is that something seperate from the scene entirely?
     
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, you have to be the judge of how serious these incidents were in terms of how they affected you. They may not legally be rape (since it doesn't sound like forcible sexual activity happened), and perhaps they aren't at the level of that most of us think of as sexual assault, but if they were non-consensual, sexual in nature, and had a strong negative effect on you, to the point that they're causing you serious confusion, then it might be helpful for you to think about them in that light. It doesn't entirely matter if other people would qualify these are sexual assaults; if they trouble you in a serious way, they're a problem that a therapist may be able to help you with. But you have to be the judge of it.
     
  5. EG1984

    EG1984 New Member

    As a disclaimer i must make it clear that i am not a psychologist or in any way a professional in a field related to it.
    With that out of the way, and if you are still interested in my opinion in the matter, i would have to say that i really don't think any sort of healthy BDSM relationship can or should cater to the traumas you had in your life. BDSM should provide a safe comfortable environment in which people can explore their fantasies with other like minded partners, if someone had a crack whore as a mother he wouldn't expect his wife to take up the role or trade just for the sake of their BDSM relationship. I don't think it's healthy for you nor is it fair to your partner to be asked to behave in a way that is clearly not in her character, i doubt she is in any way interested in you because she wants to instill fear, i am more inclined to believe she has some genuine affection for you.
    If you have demons you should seek professional help to fight them, not feed them by trying to relive them in your relationships.
     
  6. BA19

    BA19 New Member

    Relationships and sexual desire can be completely separate.
    I get what you mean about recreating fear in which your boundaries are completely violated and love it, I do sometimes get a little shit for it given it's not the BDSM norm. But this darker side of BDSM does exist whether the community wants to acknowledge it or not.
    Be warned though, this side has real danger and many people who will violate those boundaries are not mentally stable. So use caution and try not to get yourself killed for seeking pleasure, as it can happen.
     
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