My GF and whipping

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by arnieross, Nov 28, 2010.

  1. arnieross

    arnieross New Member

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    Hi there! Fisrt post and a serious question, directed to BDSM professionists (maybe even someone who does this for a living).

    I like BDSM, and in particular I love whippings: not just erotic sessions, every whipping scene turns me on. I could say that this is the only form of sadomaso that I enjoy, since most extreme things such as needles, waxing and other tortures, personally I don't like.

    My girlfriend is fond of bondage, as she's submissive and enjoys being verbally abused by me; plus, she enjoys situations in which she's under my control, where she poses as my slavegirl and sort.
    But she never asks me to whip her. Now, I think that being physically abused could turn her on, as she told me that in the past she had some "fantasies", so in her deep she has a masochistic verge, but for now whippings remain a rare occurence.

    How could I awaken her masochistic side? What are good techniques to adopt to make her enjoy and being aroused by a good whipping?
    Keep in mind that we are a responsible couple, happily engaged and respectful of each other feelings, so no "just tie her to the bed and whip her until she screams and begs for mercy". We strictly adopt the SSC point of view.

    Thanks for your help.
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I think you need to help her explore the idea that pain can be pleasurable, so start her with mild pain like spanking, biting, or nipple pinching. Even if those don't turn you on much, she may find them arousing. If she reacts well to them, move up to mild impact play, with a crop or a slapper. If she likes that, try flogging, and then up to whips. Basically, you need to help her climb the ladder gradually. Just starting with a whip is the deep end of the bdsm swimming pool, and she's liable to flounder. Keep in mind though that she may not enjoy pain. So if you put her through some of mild forms of pain play and she doesn't like them, she probably won't enjoy heavier play. In my experience, not everyone enjoys pain play, and some who like mild pain can't accept heavier pain. So don't assume that there must be a way to get her to take a whipping; she might get there, but she might not.

    It might also be a matter of getting the scene right. Talk to her about her fantasies. Are there particular scenes in which her receiving pain seems 'right'. For example, would she accept pain in a scene in which she's a pirate wench being tormented, but not in a different type of scene? If she has a particular fantasy that pain plays a role in, try playing out that scene with her; she's already keyed to enjoy that scene, so the pain would seem easier to incorporate into your play.
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  3. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Very good advice Seb (as usual).

    Hi Arnie -

    No one starts out by asking to be whipped (unless they've been doing it to themselves for a while).

    I second Seb's advice and suggest that you try some role playing that involves spanking or other mild pain first. If she likes that, then do some nipple pegging (clothespins) with some light pegs, some flogging (not with a cat, but with a medium flogger) or some tit or cunt whipping with a small leather or rubber flogger.

    Wax can sometimes be an alternative to spanking, whipping or pegging. It comes across differently (I assume you understand the different kinds of wax involved). Start high.

    Once you determine if she's at all into pain play, use a work session to investigate and evaluate different types.

    A work session is a lighter version of a scene where you (tie her up and) try things on her, asking how she feels as you go. If she likes it, then expand on it to see how she reacts to "tighter" or "harder" or "faster" or "slower", "here" or "there".

    It usually starts with "I'd like to try something on you.... it''ll only take a minute or two".

    Have some fun with it, and don't be surprised if the sessions turns out to be a full blown scene from time to time.
    Use what you learn in those sessions to further develop your scenes as you grow together.

    Seb's description of the Pirate scene is one of those tried and true favorites for many like me. I'd try to work that in one of your sessions as well, once you've found out if she goes that way.

    And thanks for recognizing that you can't just tie her down and whip her till she begs you to stop.
    Kudo's for understanding the SSC concept.

    One more thing, specific to your descriptions of her.
    Remember that pain is most effective when used "with" sexual stimulation.

    Based on what you've said, I would restrain her, and softly play with her ass checks before delivering a slap to them a couple of times... just to re-enforce her helplessness.
    Then use your fingers, mouth, a vibrator, an insert-able egg, or what you know works best, to start getting her really wet.... but leave her wanting and restrained. Then tell her she made a mistake and start all over again. Change variation or technique as your evil mind desires. She's tied up and yours, to use as you please.
    That should give you some indication about how things are gonna go.

    I think I'm gonna try this tomorrow just to make sure it still works ok.... now that I'm thinking about it (ha ha).

    Welcome to the forum.
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  4. arnieross

    arnieross New Member

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    Thanks to both for your answers. I find the suggestion to proceed slowly useful; moreover, I've been really enticed by the suggestion of preparing the scene: the pirate thing is wonderful! Can you please suggest me some other good scene where a whipping would be appropriate? Thank you.
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  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ok, well just to clarify, by 'whipping' do you mean using a single-tail whip (like Indiana Jones' bullwhip) or do you mean using a flogger, like a cat-o-nine-tails? A single-tail is extremely hard to use safely. It is not something you use on a live person without having practiced with it for a very long time (I once read a dom who said that if you can't use a single-tail to flick off a light switch on the wall, you're not ready to use a single-tail on a person). Single-tails used improperly can be extremely harmful to the sub; they can rip skin open, leave blisters and bruises, and leave the user with tennis elbow. They require a lot of space and a clutter-free environment. So, if you were hoping to jump right into playing with a single-tail, DONT. I'll assume you mean a flogger and not a whip.

    If you have an erotic toy store in your city, browse its selection of floggers; a good flogger is balanced just behind the knob at the top of the handle (the knob from which the tails emerge); a balanced flogger will not tired your arm as much. Look for one with soft leather tails; as a beginner, you don't want tails made from harsh materials that will scrape the skin. The Newcomer's FAQ has a note about basic flogging safety, so make sure you read that. Another point; good flogging is mostly in the wrist, not the elbow or the shoulder. Lots of arm swinging will tire you very quickly, so practice figure 8s and other wrist flicks with the flogger. (By the way, I'm not super-experienced in flogging, only done it 4-5 times, so don't take me as the expert in the field.)

    Flogging has a sort of old-style quality to it; it seems like something out of centuries past. So flogging scenes lend themselves nicely to pseudo-historical scenes. Maybe you're a witch hunter and she's an accused witch. Maybe you're a cruel nobleman and she's a kidnapped peasant girl. Maybe you're a Roman patrician and she's a runaway slave girl. Maybe you're a priest and she's a young woman who has confessed to impure thoughts. Maybe you're a Nazi and she's a captured spy.

    Start the scene by role-playing the reason why she's being punished; that will get you both into character. Strip her naked and fondle her or humiliate her (if she likes humiliation), and call her a few names; basically do the foreplay to get her aroused. Erotic pain is much easier to manage when the sub is already excited. Then tell her what you're going to do to her; that will heighten the tension. Heighten it further by showing her the flogger and slowly running it across her skin. Tell her you're going to give her 10 lashes as her punishment. Tell her that she has to count each lash out loud. Then bring the flogger up and down gently, striking either her ass or her shoulders (but not her neck or her lower back). Make the next one slightly heavier, but not much, and gradually build the force of the blows.

    But this is a beginning scene, so the point here is not to pound her back as hard as you can; the point is to introduce her to flogging. Beginners sometimes thing the whole point of flogging is to hit as hard as possible, but it's not. Force has a role to play, but a major part of the effect of flogging is the repeated stroke on the same body part. What feels completely ok with one hit becomes harder to manage with 10 on the same spot. (Try it yourself. Take a ruler or a crop and slap your forearm with it repeatedly; you'll quickly start to feel a sting build up.)

    If, after 10 strokes, she's ok, tell her that she's going to get another 10 strokes, maybe on another body part that's safe to flog. One way to assess how she's doing is to work a safeword into the scene. Let's say you're the witch hunter and she's the witch. Tell her that whenever she needs the flogging to stop, she is to say "I'm a witch!" (If you're a priest, the safeword is "I repent"; if she's a runaway, "I'll never run away again". Agree to this before you start the scene.) That way, when you flog the accused witch, she can beg you to stop and you won't. After 10 strokes, ask her, "are you a witch?". If she says "no", you know she wants to keep going. If she says "yes I'm a witch" you know that she's had enough. If she uses the safeword, that's the end of the flogging for the night. Move on to something more gentle, like intercourse, or cuddling. Don't move on to another type of pain play; for your first scene, make the flogging the climax of the harsh phase of the play. You need to ease her into pain gradually; those mild first few scenes will help her find pain arousing (especially if you precede and follow it with more vanilla play like fondling or oral sex), and it will make it more likely that you'll eventually be able to progress to heavier pain down the road. Perhaps part of the scene is that if she confesses to being a witch, you will reward her (by giving her some form of sex play that she particularly likes, whether that means you going down on her or her going down on you). Knowing that she gets to control when the scene ends (by deciding when she wants to use the safeword) may make her feel more confident that she'll enjoy it.

    Another important point: a good dom never does something to a sub without knowing what it feels like himself. So if you want to explore flogging your gf, you should let her flog you once or twice. I've found this principle to be one of the keys to becoming a really good dom; it will stimulate your imagination, help you see the scene through the sub's eyes, and will help you avoid going too far.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2010
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  6. arnieross

    arnieross New Member

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    Just to be clear. When I speak about "whipping", at the moment, I talk about hitting with a mere belt. I'm still a student, without an indepent and steady money income, so for now I cannot afford a better implement. And even if I were able to buy one, I'd surely go for a flogger, and never for an actual whip, as I recognize that those instruments require a GREAT deal of experience to be used safely: plus, real whips do cost a lot, and since my girlfriend practice BDSM only sparingly it would be a waste of money for us.

    However, thanks for your advice, it has been interesting. Actually we do use a safe word techinque, sort of "color based": when everything is okay and I can go on, my GF says "green", when she's enjoying the scene but I have to slow down she goes with "yellow", and when she wants to quit she says "red". Until now it has been quite effective.

    Thank you for the hint about the Newcomers FAQ, I'll definitely check it. In the past I thought about buying a flogger, but was not sure about the material (in particular, my choice was between a leather one or a latex one), beacuse I do not know the reaction of each particular material on the skin (while I find the whipping arousing, I do not want to hurt my GF too much).
    Thanks for your answers!
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  7. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Very good suggestions Seb. The inquisition scene is a favorite of mine.

    Arnie, I'm sure a similar scene in prison will work based on what you've described. And just so you know, in a scene you can play many different people. If she's blindfolded you can be the tormentor, and while you're playing with her, tell her you've got to get as much done to her as possible cause "The Boss" is coming soon. Then become The Boss. If you have trouble changing personas then let the boss be silent while he does his dirty work.

    anyway..... about the material and the flogger

    skip the latex and go with leather, but it's ok to wait if your on a strict budget.

    A good one will cost you just under or at $40, is made of decent leather (not to soft or stiff) - look at the one from extreme restraints (beginner leather flogger). It's balanced, has a good weight, and the leather isn't cheap.

    DO NOT get a cheap flogger with the real soft leather strands that smell funny and have the color rub off on your moist hands. $20 and they're just not worth it.

    If you have a little confidence and have a right and left hand, buy an old leather jacket or coat from the re-sale shop, Goodwill, or Salvation Army. Then read the following instructions

    I suggest you cut the strands to about 1/3 inch and make the strands about 18 to 20 inches with a 6-7 inch handle 1 inch thick. Don't go more than 36 strands for a starter, and I suggest 30 or less. Roll it up and test it before you glue it to get a feel on how it's going to work. If it's too heavy you can reduce the number of strands.

    With this you can make a very effective (not pretty the first time) flogger that will handle the work for less than $20.

    The rest is in practice

    Hope this helps

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