Mixed feelings after pain play

WrathofThor · May 8, 2011

My sub and I (still fairly new to this and a young couple) did a scene this weekend and I pushed her boundaries with spanking both with my hand and a long wooden ruler. She looked like she was in heaven afterwards, and her tears really turned me on, but I started feeling soft and wanted just to hold her and care for her afterwards. She was ready and willing for anything at this point and we usually enjoy rough sex and humiliation, but I couldn't bring myself to do it this time! I understand that aftercare is important after a scene, but I sort of initiated it midscene.

Has anyone experienced this? I'm guessing it's because we are a first for each other and when her boundaries are pushed, so are mine. Usually I'm the one pushing limits which is why it seems strange. If you've felt this, is it a feeling that passes over time when you become more experienced in bdsm?

sebastian · May 9, 2011

Well, as I see it, one of the most important elements of bdsm is that it lowers the barriers we raise to intimacy with those we care about. It creates a sense of openness and vulnerability between the dom and sub, and allows a deep bonding to develop. Honestly I'd be more worried if you didn't experience at least some of that.

But to answer your specific question, it might be a temporary thing, a response to her new responses to what you were doing. But it might also be a shift in your personal chemistry, the way you react to her. I'd just keep playing and see what develops.

new1 · May 9, 2011

You're exploring new territory and thresholds and it is an experience leaving each of you open to many choice based variables and new knowledge of yourselves;

emotional responses always dampen after repeated exposure to the stimuli... emotions develop into sentiments and we develop more control over our reaction by enforcing coping mechanisms, some flee the experience and others will embrace it and see where it takes them.

It would be easy and most natural for us to cry during the enveloping intoxicating vortex of emotions that saturates us when we are in the midst of dom/sub space or in the in-between in a moment of transformation or teetering on the edge.

I suspect you managed just fine and intervened at a time which was appropriate for your specific relationship, and that you will grow together well amidst good communication.

WrathofThor · May 9, 2011

I found that very insightful on both accounts, thanks. Communication has never been more open but I'm starting to realize there is a lot going on in a scene beyond what it appears, such as juggling your inhibitions as you let them go while restraining to gradually guide someone into sub space. And every person is different! That's a vast world to explore.

new1 · May 9, 2011

I remember seb making an important point about the 'Down time afterwards' in a post for new comers . That is something I have had difficulties managing. And it is something people are usually not aware of the first time they indulge. The ride doesn't stop the moment the tools are put away. After care can be something that needs to be looked at in terms of days sometimes rather than minutes.

sebastian · May 9, 2011

new1 said:
After care can be something that needs to be looked at in terms of days sometimes rather than minutes.

New's really right here. A new sub or an experienced sub who has been pushed into new territory should definitely be monitored closely for a day or two. 'Sub drop' can happen long after the play is done, and until you know how a sub tends to react, it's usually a good idea to check in with the sub the next day, in case they need help dealing with unexpected feelings of shame, depression or confusion. Experienced subs may recognize it for the aftereffect it is, but novice subs may feel overwhelmed by unexpected feelings and may need help processing them.

Smallest · May 10, 2011

You all need to stop saying all there is to be said before I get a turn. I'm going to try to have a go anyway though.

Thor- You'll grow with this. Either you'll learn your own limits to what you're okay with doing to a sub, or you'll learn to open yourself to new feelings. Since she's ready to continue on without your stopping, I'd say all you can do is talk- if you find yourself consciously worrying, remember that she has a safeword, and she can use it. If she doesn't have a safeword, implement one.

From what you've said though, it seems like this isn't something you're thinking consciously. If you can, try to push past it, to see if you can pass these limits. If it's too emotionally hard for you, back up and slow down a little, and have a talk with her about why. Your sub should understand, and should be able to help you overcome your limits, or discover types of play that find loopholes to them.

I guess all I've said is to make sure you two are communicating, but really, it's okay to have limits, or, if they aren't limits, to have some time before you're ready for 'harder' play.

sebastian · May 10, 2011

Well said, Smallest. And remember that subs can push a dom's limits just as a dom can push a sub's limits. Doms are permitted whatever limits they need to set, but subs can push a dom to be harsher, more humiliating, or to try a new form of play.

WrathofThor · May 10, 2011

New and Seb, that's a very good point! There is a lot of yin/yang interflux going on in any scene and even from a physiological point of view the release of neurotransmitters/hormones will have a recovery period for the body to return to balance. I suppose this has a positive and negative aspect as my mixed feelings have turned to elation with just a short elapse of time, feeling proud of both of us for crossing new ground and discovering more about ourselves.

Smallest, thanks for the input. Not consciously worrying about it, just mostly curious about others' experiences with similar feelings. She's been the cautious one so far, so I'm taking it as a good sign that the tables were turned for once! In the beginning she was very wary to give control and I drew it out of her because I suspected it was because she was hiding desire from even herself. Turns out I was right. Good idea about the loopholes, or working certain things into a scene that allow me to feel more comfortable with what I'm doing. Personally, I want to be absolutely sure that I have permission to "not have permission" where others may fall into their role as a dom more easily.

Smallest · May 10, 2011

I know what you mean; my Master is asking me sometimes too much whether it's okay. But of course, I'm happy just to know he cares that much.

You sound like you're thinking things through, you'll do well.

And yes, that's what I was meaning, Sebastian. Lots of people don't seem to acknowledge that.

Mixed feelings after pain play

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