How to start this? Bear with me, I'm horribly shy. I'm not sure how suitable this forum is for me. I'm a sub. I'm not young, not pretty, not very experienced and not looking to go straight into any online or real play. What I do want to do is get back into a mindset and company that I loved but haven't participated in for many years. To explain a little, I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, he suggested bdsm as a way to 'spice up' our lives. In the end it was one of the worst and one of the best things he did. I confirmed I was a sub, worked out what a lot of my kinks are over a few years. Unfortunately I also discovered he wanted me to be submissive to him for all the wrong reasons, the safe and consensual part tended to be missing. (Hell it was in the rest of our lives, why any different?) What he did do which was (literally) a life saver was take me to bdsm clubs, where I found out how it SHOULD be. I loved those nights where he had to pretend to be a decent Dom and I could just be me... I enjoyed the company and I wanted to do so much more that I would never mention because I couldn't trust my partner with that knowledge. When I finally left the relationship it was partly because the bdsm scene opened my eyes to what is acceptable and what is not, whether you like some forms of pain or not, some things aren't okay. Trust wise, relationship wise I'm not ready to jump in to ANY relationship, bdsm, non-bdsm, real or online. I left with the help of the police and was in hiding a long time. Finally now, I'm gently realising what is important to me and this is. I went to look for the club we used to go to and it has closed down - I'm not ready to go anywhere else yet. I miss this and I want to find out if I'm brave enough to get it back. What I'm afraid is that I'll be seen as a time waster or creepy lurker because I'm only wanting chat and reconnect. I may never be ready to trust anyone again but I'd really like to put down the foundations to try. Any thoughts?