Missing this ..

Unregistered · Jul 17, 2012

How to start this? Bear with me, I'm horribly shy. I'm not sure how suitable this forum is for me. I'm a sub. I'm not young, not pretty, not very experienced and not looking to go straight into any online or real play. What I do want to do is get back into a mindset and company that I loved but haven't participated in for many years.

To explain a little, I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, he suggested bdsm as a way to 'spice up' our lives. In the end it was one of the worst and one of the best things he did. I confirmed I was a sub, worked out what a lot of my kinks are over a few years. Unfortunately I also discovered he wanted me to be submissive to him for all the wrong reasons, the safe and consensual part tended to be missing. (Hell it was in the rest of our lives, why any different?) What he did do which was (literally) a life saver was take me to bdsm clubs, where I found out how it SHOULD be. I loved those nights where he had to pretend to be a decent Dom and I could just be me... I enjoyed the company and I wanted to do so much more that I would never mention because I couldn't trust my partner with that knowledge.

When I finally left the relationship it was partly because the bdsm scene opened my eyes to what is acceptable and what is not, whether you like some forms of pain or not, some things aren't okay.

Trust wise, relationship wise I'm not ready to jump in to ANY relationship, bdsm, non-bdsm, real or online. I left with the help of the police and was in hiding a long time. Finally now, I'm gently realising what is important to me and this is. I went to look for the club we used to go to and it has closed down - I'm not ready to go anywhere else yet. I miss this and I want to find out if I'm brave enough to get it back. What I'm afraid is that I'll be seen as a time waster or creepy lurker because I'm only wanting chat and reconnect. I may never be ready to trust anyone again but I'd really like to put down the foundations to try.

Any thoughts?

Smallest · Jul 17, 2012

First off, I'm sorry for your bad experiences, and glad you've gotten out of that relationship.

No decent BDSM club will see you as a time waster for not looking to get into a relationship or play- and neither would this forum, if you decide to join and participate in discussions.

I'm not young, not pretty, not very experienced and not looking to go straight into any online or real play.

None of these should matter, here or at a club/meet/munch, and I think 'not pretty' is a matter of opinion.

You should start going to the local munches and play parties, they will be a good way to make new connections and friends you can talk about this or just socialize with. Again, there is no shame in being uninterested in a relationship, and if a Dom tries to tell you that, they're not one anyone should submit to.
You could also join fetlife, and keep your profile as anonymous or personal as you wat, and participate in the groups and discussions, and meet other people from your area online there before you go to any parties, so you can have some supportive acquaintances who know you aren't looking for anything, and give you someone to be around, if the people you used to chat with aren't there.

You won't be creepy or a waste of time, anyway. And you can spend your time with monamorous couples, other straight females, or other people not looking for a relationship with you, if you're worried those who might would see you that way.

Unregistered · Jul 17, 2012

Wow, that was quick! I had no idea about fetlife, so I'll definitely take a look there as well as here. I'm not sure there's much local to me any more but it looks like I might find out with that. You've been very reassuring so I shall puzzle over a user name and give myself the required kick up the ass (ha, if only...) to join you here and pop over to fetlife too.
Thank you.

Smallest · Jul 17, 2012

Fetlife's a networking site (like Facebook) but all regarding kink. There is a chance that there you'll get people trying to convince yo to date, but generally they're just copy/pasted letters sent to anyone female, not really anything to worry about, and you an block the senders. Not trying to scare you off, just trying to make sure that, should you join, that doesn't worry you (there are whole forums on there dedicated to mocking those senders).

I'm glad you found it reassuring.

Unregistered · Jul 17, 2012

Duly noted. Those types get everywhere on line ... thanks for the warning.

Mdent · Jul 17, 2012

I think smallest hit the nail on the head. If you’re uncomfortable with going to a meet/club for now join the forum everyone is very open minded and welcoming here. Just take things slow and see how you feel at each step.

Good luck

impkitty · Jul 17, 2012

Thanks for the encouragement, it's lovely to have another friendly 'voice' so quick. I snuck in and joined. Feeling a bit more like 'me' already.

Smallest · Jul 18, 2012

I'm glad to see you joined! feel free to just read around, or chime in on discussions, or whatever else

Also, your username is adorable.

sebastian · Jul 18, 2012

Unregistered said:
I'm a sub. I'm not young, not pretty, not very experienced and not looking to go straight into any online or real play.

I just want to second what Smallest said about this. There is no segment of society that is more obsessed with youth and beauty than my corner of the market, the gay community. Trust me, gay men can the most amazingly shallow pricks imaginable.

Yet even here, there are guys for all kinds. The term 'bear' is used to designate guys who are hairy and have a belly, esp. if they have a little bit of muscle in their upper body. Guys who are not hairy but have a belly are 'chubs' and guys who are morbidly obese are 'super-chubs'. Guys who are scrawny are 'twinks', especially if they're younger. By traditional standards of beauty none of these men are attractive; Hollywood rarely shows any of them onscreen, except to laugh at them. But all of these guys are the focus of communities that find them deeply sexy. Bears and twinks can find tons of sex and relationships, and even super-chubs can find guys who are into them (although chubby-chasers are less common than bear-chasers). There is even porn devoted to super-chubs having sex. Personally, I'm in my mid-40s and not very striking to look at, but rarely does more than a day or two go by when I'm not hit on, sometimes by staggeringly good-looking guys.

My point here is that if gay men can be attracted to guys that society has no interest in, straight men can easily find you attractive. I don't know what you look like, but unless you have a serious disfigurement, I promise you there are men and women out there who will find you attractive. Some of them will be attracted to your body, and others will ignore your body and look right at your soul. When I was in my 20s, one of the most sexually active women I knew was a morbidly-obese 40-something. She knew that the right guys would find her, and she had a good time.

So don't count yourself out of the running. Keep yourself presentable, go out and live your life in a way that highlights your passions, find ways to put yourself out in the dating scene (internet personals, smart phone apps, social groups, fetish clubs, and so on) and people will find you. One of the plainest women I knew years ago was utterly boring to look at (flat-chested, average looks, glasses), but she loved to dance, and when she danced, even a queer like me thought she was gorgeous. Let out your passions and people will respond.

impkitty · Jul 19, 2012

Oh, I almost missed this reply. Thank you for taking the time. I'm not sure about the putting myself out there but I am definitely intending to take some time for myself and start living my life again. I'll see where it goes...

Missing this ..

Unregistered

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Unregistered

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