Meeting the sub

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Swiffer, Feb 9, 2010.

  1. Swiffer

    Swiffer New Member

    Hi people. I just found out about BDSM and am interested in being a dominant. I went on and and I couldn't find any gay men in my area (I mean there were a few, but none of them were active), so I posted an ad on Craigslist. I got two replies. One of them wants to come over to my house and the other one wants me to come to his house.

    Now I'm not a cynical person, but it's not secret that Criagslist is home to the sketchiest people online. I don't want the subs coming to my house because I still live with my parents (I'm 19, just starting college), and I'm not comfortable visiting a strange man's house especially since these guys are quite a few years older than me.

    So my suggestion was to book a cheap motel room, and the first sub got mad. (The second one hasn't replied) He said I wasn't trusting him and that it's too expensive to rent a motel room. (It's like $40, which is a lot to me, but less than what a lot guys his age spend on an evening.)

    Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable? What's the safest way to meet a new person from online?
  2. No, you're not being unreasonable at all.

    But I personally wouldn't advise the motel room either. The safest thing you could do is to arrange to meet them in a public place, like a pub or something, and spend a few hours getting to know them in a safe environment, where there are plenty of people to help you if things go wrong. You need to be able to feel relaxed in this person's company, before you move on to more intense, intimate things.

    As for the guy you planned on meeting getting mad, well, he thinks that your wanting to meet in a motel suggests a lack of trust in him, and yet he expects you to go to his house for your first meeting. You are trying to be respectful and sensible, but he is not showing you the same courtesy.

    Good luck, but be careful too. Let us know how things go :)
  3. WmaGuy

    WmaGuy Member

    A cup of coffee in a public place....This after some E-mail exchanges and a few phone calls....Don't rush this - could get messy and put in your next ad: "cannot host"....
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Although subs are generally the ones who need safety precautions the most, it's absolutely appropriate for a dom to require them as well, particularly if you are going to be playing at their house. You might think about doing a safecall. The first time you go to someone's house, make an arrangement with a good friend, one you can trust. Tell them exactly where you are going, and basically what you expect to do there (so they understand the situation). Get your host's first and last name, address and phone number, and give them to your friend. If your host refuses to give you any of that info, don't play with him. Tell your host that your friend will call you at a set time (perhaps 1 hour into your session) to make sure that you are safe. If your friend is unable to speak with you, your friend will call the police and ask them to go to the address to make sure you're ok. You might also arrange a code word with the friend that means "call the police". Explain to your host that this is a basic safety precaution meant to keep both of you safe.

    BDSM takes a fair amount of trust, and building trust takes time and good experiences. Anyone who plays in the d/s scene ought to understand the need for such a precaution and not object to anything reasonable. I tell the guys I play with that I will not object to any reasonable safety conditions they feel a need to set. As a new dom, you should get used to talking about safety issues before you ever met your subs. One way I try to build trust with a sub is by discussing safety matters before I ever meet to play. While we're chatting online, I tell them about the safe words I want them to use. If they want me to do something that I consider outside my skill set, I tell them I'm not skilled enough yet and I don't want to hurt them. Some subs might think I'm over-emphasizing safety, but to me it's about showing the sub that I put his safety first, as my highest priority. (My sub Alex gets frustrated with me sometimes because of this.)

    I read a while back about a woman who arranged a safe call when she went to visit a new dom. She informed the dom that there would be a safe call. He responded by beating her up and throwing her out. Not long after that, she learned that he had been arrested for murdering several women and burying them on his property. So the safe call arrangement probably saved her life.

    Instead of Craigslist, try posting ads on Manhunt and Recon. Manhunt is a general hook-up site, but a lot of guys indicate d/s interests, and Recon is specifically for fetish fans. Join the master/slave or the bondage subsites. When you chat with a guy on one of those sites, if you're unsure about him, ask him for a reference. Lots of guys on Recon identify some of the people they've played with. Again, I don't think anyone experienced with d/s play would be offended by a request for a reference, especially if you explain why you want one. When I chat with guys on these sites, I frequently ask them who on the site they've had good or bad experiences with. The d/s community is a small one, and word of a good or bad playmate can travel fast. So value your reputation and work to build one as someone who plays with skill, respect, and safety.
  5. GreyMac

    GreyMac Member

    All three of the previous postings have proposed excellent advice that you should pay attention to. I would only add that ANYONE who has a problem with you ensuring your safety is someone you do NOT want to play with. And don't tell the person you're meeting exactly what time your safe call will be. Remember Ted Bundy was said to be extremely charming right up until he hit his victims viciously in the head with a tire iron.

    Safe, Sane, Consensual is what it's all about.

    besides, if they're really submissives they should not have a problem with your choices as to meeting place unless you want them to meet in a cave somewhere. or at your house....

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