Low sex drive

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Yes sir, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. Yes sir

    Yes sir New Member

    I will try and make this short. Here's a little background. I'm 39, female. My husband and I got into bdsm about 6 months ago. He is an amazing Sir and everything was going amazingly! All he had to do was look at me and I would get turned on (not to mention the whole bdsm thing was a HUGE turn on). I would wake up in the morning ready to go and could hardly wait to get home from work so he could take control. Well about 6 weeks ago I had minor surgery. Sex was not possible for 3-4 days and anything bdsm related was not possible until about 2weeks ago (and that was very mild). I feel like I have lost my drive/desire for sex. Some nights I can really take it or leave it and that stomach flipping turn on is not there anymore. I know that Sir was very concerned about hurting me so he has really taken it easy on me and we have talked about that. I have let him know that it's ok and I will let him know if anything is too much (he can read me like a book but we do have a safe word and he knows I will use it if I need to). Also, I have always been able to orgasm through oral sex(actually the only way I've been able to orgasm) and now that is even hit or miss. Has anyone experienced this before? Is it my age, lack of focus....?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Honestly, it sounds like your body or your mind hasn't fully recovered from your surgery yet. I'm not a doctor, and you don't really go into much detail, but there are all sorts of medical issues that could be going on here, depending on what the surgery involved and how you feel about it.

    1) Maybe there's a medical problem with the surgery site that is interfering with your ability to enjoy sex.
    2) Maybe your body is still recuperating or getting used to the changes the surgery created. (For example, I had my gall bladder out last year. It was outpatient surgery, and I didn't have many side effects, but my roommate had the same operation last month and still feels bloated. Some people can't eat spicy foods for months after that surgery, and some have trouble with diarrhea for a long time.) So it's plausible if you had surgery like that that you might feel up to speed but your body isn't actually ready for it.
    3) Maybe the surgery knocked your hormones out of order in some way.
    4) Perhaps you're feeling depressed about the surgery (maybe you feel less attractive, or you feel like you're no longer as young as you were, or maybe you're worried about your health in general--just guessing here). Depression can really erode your sex drive.
    5) Maybe you're depressed about something unrelated to the surgery, but the surgery was the trigger for this problem.

    All of this is just guessing; I'm just pointing out possibilities for you to consider. I would talk to the doctor who performed the surgery and explain the situation to him; ask if it's possible that the surgery itself could be affecting your sex drive. If he doesn't think so, think about psychological issues and consider going for an assessment with a therapist.

    Another way to approach this is to reduce the pressure on you to enjoy sex. Agree with your dom that you won't actually have sex for a couple weeks. Focus on exploring submission through domestic service, dressing to please him and other non-sexual things. Instead of actually having sex, lie down with him and ask him to describe what he wants to do to you, and essentially talk through a fantasy instead of playing something out. While you're talking, he should stroke your body, nuzzle you, and otherwise do light sexual play. The goal here is not for you to orgasm or anything, but just to find a way to enjoy being sexual without actually having the pressure of sex. So you and he can indulge any fantasies you have that you're not ready to do physically--hardcore whipping, rape scenes, whatever--because there's no actual risk or skill involved other than talking erotically. Even if you can't find the cause of the problem itself, it might jump-start your sex drive.
  3. Yes sir

    Yes sir New Member

    Thank you so much Sebastian! What you say makes a lot of sense. The surgery I had was liposuction (early 40th b-day present to myself). Sir loved the way I was before the surgery. This was all for me with his support. I am still a bit swollen, although still smaller than I was, and a little tender. Maybe that is just messing with me mentally. I go back to see my surgeon for 2 month post op in a couple weeks and if things haven't picked up by then I will definitely talk to him about it. Again, thank you so much! One reason I really love this forum!
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, so you did the lipo to feel better about your body, but it's sort of had the opposite effect of making your less interested in sex? That sounds counter-intuitive, so let me make a few guesses about what make be going on.

    1) Your husband likes your plumper, but you don't. Now you're worried that maybe he's less attracted to you?
    2) You're worried that the only reason your husband is attracted to you is your body. You know you look better after the lipo, but you're worried that he's not attracted to the woman inside your body.
    3) You thought the lipo was going to make you look better than it has (maybe you had unrealistic ideas about how good you'd look, or maybe because the swelling hasn't gone down, you're not seeing the benefit you were hoping for yet). So you're depressed or worried that you spent all that money and it hasn't gotten you the results you were craving. You don't feel sexy, and you don't feel like your husband could be attracted to you.

    If any of those sound right, it's basically a mental issue and you need to do things with your husband that help you feel desirable again. The exercise I suggested might help. Do a few romantic things (whatever romance means to you and him, and they can certainly include BDSM things that your body is up for physically). Have him remind you of why he's attracted to you. Buy something that makes you feel sexy (a new dress, lingerie, leather cuffs, a slutty bustier, or whatever).

    On the other hand, lipo can be pretty rough on the body. There's often a lot of bruising, and depending on where you had it done, it's possible some organs got a little bruised, and that's slowing your body down. Loss of sexual appetite is not uncommon when the body is recovering (the body has more important things to do than get you horny, and it doesn't want to get pregnant while it's trying to fix itself). So if it seems more physical, definitely discuss it with your physician. In general, get comfortable discussing sexual issues with your doctors--this is an area where it really pays to be bold and advocate for your needs.
  5. Yes sir

    Yes sir New Member

    Thanks again Seb. I really do love your advice! I really never thought about things that way. I think because your feeling ok that your done healing. I never thought about the healing process and how long the "unseen" takes to heal. Thank you so much. I feel so much better and will definitely talk with my doctor next month. Thanks again.
  6. Ladygenuine

    Ladygenuine New Member

    Woman to woman I think I might have some advice, and know where your coming from. You had this part of your body that you were unhappy with, a tummy bulge or salddebags, whatever, but you knew them. They were part of the topography of You. And now it's just ... Gone.
    Take some time to get to know yourself again and discover this new shape. Get that corset or teddy that you wouldn't have before because it didn't fit quite right and strut in front of the mirror like the sexiest of sexy beasts. Take the time to make love to yourself, ask permission if you must, but all s&m dynamics aside, get to know yourself again intimately.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I second Lady's advice. In general, I think that clothing fetishes are not about looking sexy, they're about feeling sexy. Too often we think that only thin people should wear spandex catsuits, and only buff guys should wear leather harnesses. But I'm learning that fetish gear is about wearing things that make you feel sexy, even if someone else thinks it doesn't look good on you. So if you want to buy a corset or whatever because it's sexy, buy it and wear it and let yourself experience feeling sexy.
  8. Yes sir

    Yes sir New Member

    Thank you so much Seb and Lady! Sir and I have slowed things down mentally which has actually kicked things up a bit physically. Understanding these things have been such a big help. Thank you both!

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