Long distance relationship.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Mrflibble, Apr 22, 2011.

  1. Mrflibble

    Mrflibble New Member

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    Right, I hope this is in the correct forum.

    I'm in London at uni, and she is in sheffield at uni. We got together a few months ago, and all seemed to be going well. We discovered eachothers fetishes and fantasies, and have had a few interesting encounters since. And it really seemed to be going somewhere. Naturally as its a long distance, we both had doubts, but we saw through them.

    Now a couple of days ago, she said it wasn't working out. I haven't seen her for a month or so... but was planning to visit in a couple of weeks.

    My question is, do you guys think its worth leaving it for a bit, and maybe pay her a surprise visit?

    Its weird, I've never managed to find a girl who's into the same things as me. Not only that, but we made connections on other levels. And I really don't want to lose this. She means the world to me, and I want her to know.

    What do you guys think?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Well, laying aside the issue of kink, what you have is a relationship that's only existed for a few months, during which you've only met a couple of times. And now she feels that things aren't working out and wants to move on. You haven't said what she thinks is wrong; perhaps you don't know. To me, it sounds like the only reason you're really hanging on to this relationship is that you've found someone with similar fetishes and you're worried that it will be hard to find someone else who pushes those buttons. You don't sound deeply in love (you called your get-togethers 'interesting encounters', which hardly sounds passionate to me, despite your saying that she 'means the world' to you).

    So let me ask you this: If you found another woman who shared the same kinks, would you still be focused on your gf? Because if the answer is no, I think you should just accept that the distance killed this relationship and that you should move on and look for another kinky girl, because they are definitely out there. It's estimated that about 10% of the total population is kinky, although obviously some kinky women will have kinks that don't line up with yours.

    If you're really convinced that you and she had something special apart from kinky sex, don't just show up and surprise her. That only works in Hollywood movies; in reality it could get very awkward. Give her a call and have an honest talk about why she feels things aren't working out. Don't judge her; ask her to tell you the real reasons for her leaving, regardless of how painful they might be to you. Until you know the real reasons, you have no way of figuring out if there's any hope of salvaging things. She may have met another guy who has the virtue of living in Sheffield (which is pretty hard for you to compete with). Or the distance may simply have killed the romantic vibe that is critical in the early days of the relationship. Or she may not have clicked with you as heavily as you clicked with her--perhaps your kinks aren't as compatible as you thought.

    Overall, from the very limited details you've provided here, I don't think you have much chance of fixing whatever is wrong. But if there is a chance, it lies in getting down to root of why she's called things off.
  3. Mrflibble

    Mrflibble New Member

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    I've had to time to come to my senses, and I know it is for the best in the long run.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    There are lots of fish in the sea of kink. You'll find another kinky girl if you just keep looking in the right place
  5. Aibo

    Aibo Member

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    Oh yes there's many others, but what MrFlibble said about that they did connect on several other levels makes me think that a timeout might be ok now she request that. But dont give up for that reason!
    Stay in contact with her and see what happens.
    I say that because I have a very long range relationship myself. And you 2 are within the UK a very small sized country indeed. Anyhow, my slavegirl did the same thing, pulling out. But I simply kept in touch and said I wont give up, kept the contact without nagging or pushing matters and she came around. In just a few days she be here at my place for one extended visit, so there might be hope for you two also. =)
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    That's a good point, Aibo. MrFlibble hasn't said if his gf is a sub, a dom, or whatever, but many new subs can be very hesitant about fully embracing their submissive side. Some of them will drop out of contact and then come back a few weeks or months later. So it's possible that she needs a little coaxing or some time off. But with timid subs, my experience suggests that being pushy scares them away. So if you give her some space, she may find her way back to you. But don't wait for her.
  7. Nuka

    Nuka Member

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    That's funny, I'm in uni in Sheffield... Myself and ash had an 80 mile long distance, till I moved to come here for uni, now we live together. Most of our BDSM stuff didn't fully kick in till I moved in, but that doesn't mean you can't have an instantaneous bdsm freak out whilst meeting up at weekends or whatever haha. Infact a fetish weekend can be rather... interesting :p

    But anyway, it's working for us so far, but we were lucky in a way, I know many whose long distance doesn't work out. Even so keep in contact, you never know maybe sometime, somehow...

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