Let's talk about subspace, aftercare and sub drop

Smallest · Jun 21, 2012

We can also talk about the dom/me versions of them, of course.

This comes up because me and Sir were talking after an intense session, where I felt like I didn't get enough aftercare and had really bad sub drop, neither of us knew what I needed to get better, and I was having trouble (during the scene) getting out of subspace to safe word.

Anyway, I'd like to hear experiences, ideas to help out, and whatever else you have. I don't know a ton about subspace but when I look back and wince, it makes me feel as though I should- especially since I mod here. I'm better at seeing things in other people.

Likewise, what do you do for aftercare? Our usual is just washing up, water and food, then laying down (or laying down first, or both). I can't have him touch or cuddle me, it just makes me go all foggy and... well, I just need a couple minutes of space. I know there's a section in the FAQ, but this is as good a place as any to have a discussion on it, rather than a how-to.

And when aftercare fails, or despite everything nothing's okay, what do we do for sub drop? I can't talk, there are a hundred reasons why I am not a good judge on what should be done when I have it. Usually Sir just stays with me and listens if I want to talk.

subarama30 · Jun 21, 2012

I have never experienced sub drop myself. I tend to go to a pretty happy place after we have played. We always lay together touching, kissing and talking afterwards. He tends to do a once over of my body too, checking that I'm ok, for his piece of mind more than mine.

I think it's a very personal thing, the places we go in our minds, I think you are doing pretty much all you can to deal with things.

sebastian · Jun 21, 2012

Don't let the fact that there's a section in the FAQ deter you from discussing something. That FAQ is just things for new people to think about. And my knowledge of subspace comes more from reading about it than seeing it first-hand. I've only played with two guys who definitely went into subspace during a session, and one of those two guys is someone I've only chatted with, not met in person. So I'm far from an expert on this subject.

The sub I've chatted with is an interesting case, actually. When we chat, he sometimes 'spaces' or 'falls'. He says that he feels very disconnected from his body. At first I thought he was just saying it to impress me or something, but when he really spaces, he becomes incoherent, and I can see it in his chat. He stops using punctuation, begins making spelling mistakes, and then types gibberish. He remains capable of interacting, and I can talk him up from that place. When we've skyped and he's spaced, he gets very dreamy-sounding, like h's hypnotized. The first time it really happened to him, he got very scared and stopped chatting with me for a month or two, but then he came back and we've explored that place a few more times. I've never heard of someone who can go into subspace purely from verbal play. It fascinates me, actually.

The other guy I took to subspace was a very experienced daddy who has realized he's more of a boy. I tied him standing and started flogging him and using a combination of a paddle and an electric toothbrush on his ass. He zoned out very quickly, started shuddering and making occasional moans. I used him that way for about 10 minutes, but then decided that he was sufficiently out of it that he couldn't safe word--he wasn't responding coherently when I asked him if he was ok. So I untied him and laid him down on the bed. When I jacked him off, he had the most violent orgasm I've ever seen--it looked like a full-on grand mal seizure. After he came, it took him about 5 minutes to come out of subspace far enough that he could talk. But he recovered fairly quickly after that. Sadly, shortly after that session, he found a regular boyfriend, so I never got a chance to take him back to that place.

So that's what I really know about subspace--two very different methods of reaching it. I don't know that every sub is capable of reaching it. I've read some writings by experienced subs who say they've never hit that place; they often feel frustrated by it. Maybe it's something psychological, maybe it's something physiological. I don't know.

Smallest · Jun 21, 2012

Sebastian, that was really interesting to read. I like having an open dialogue on things.

Subarama, more than nine times in ten we're like that, just content and perfect afterwards, but obviously not every time. It's frustrating.

wendywatkins · Jun 28, 2012

Hello all

New domme here!

I have a problem with dom-drop.... But I have a hard time admitting that I need aftercare! I am new to the scene, and have only worked with my current sub twice. He wants a FWB relationship, but basically just a mistress.

I am completely comfortable with that; except he doesn't want things to get personal at all! He doesn't even want to kiss on the mouth! I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...

The problem is, a D/s relationship is inherently personal, right? I would have thought as a sub he would have been more understanding... Don't get me wrong, he's a great person, I just don't know if aftercare is also something that's too "personal" for him?

How do you approach the topic of this with a new D/s relationship? And how do I get over the fact that I'm too proud to admit that I need a little extra attention after a scene?

Smallest · Jun 29, 2012

You should be having serious conversations about what was good and bad in play, and limits, and so on- that would be a good time to bring it up. I'm terrible with pride, even as a sub, so I can't help with that.

sebastian · Jun 29, 2012

Some subs can be very selfish. That sounds like a contradiction, but it's very true. I tend to think of them as 'fuck me subs'. They want to top from the bottom and tend to treat the dom as a tool in a fantasy of their devising.

If you don't like the limits the sub wants to set, you are entirely within your rights to tell him that you find his limits unacceptable and therefore you won't play with him. You can tell him that kissing is mandatory, and that you need cuddling after play. Of course, he's free to reject that and look elsewhere.

wendywatkins · Jun 29, 2012

@Smallest- We did talk after about how the scene went, and talked before about limits. I will do my best to set my pride aside next time....

@Sebastian- I feel like you hit the nail on the head. It's like he should have hired somebody to act out his fantasy with him instead, you know? As if he's treating me like a prostitute! (hence the Pretty Woman reference)

I'm going to have to put this sissy bitch in his place and make sure he knows who's in charge... Just because I'm new to the scene doesn't mean I don't know how to control a man :devil:

sebastian · Jun 29, 2012

Wendy: Exactly. Make it clear that you're in charge, your rules are what counts, and if he doesn't like it, he can look elsewhere. Given that there are more subs than doms, he'll have to wait in line, and you should be able to find other subs fairly easily.

MastersLil1 · Jul 18, 2012

The first thing Master and I did was read read read about things and spoke loads before we even done anything.. When we felt ready and could feel the anticipation growing we sat infront of the computer and "went shopping together"... as soon as they turned up in the post i wanted to play straight away but Master would not let me... Hes self control I feel protected me alot from the sub-drop.. Since then we both make conscious efforts.

I make sure he does not begin to feel guilt or anxiety by talking about how safe I feel with him during and after..

and as someone said above he checks me over and we lay close and often fall asleep together.. but communication is SO important and im so glad we didnt rush into this all... i realise with out making the mistake how dangerous it can be x

Let's talk about subspace, aftercare and sub drop

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