Is bdsm for me?

Discussion in 'Guest forum' started by xBlackWolfx, Jan 14, 2013.

  1. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    This is going to be long, just so you know.

    I am a sexual deviant, but I'm not sure if I'm really a BDSM-type person, or just an evil person.

    This is going to involve me revealing a lot of my sexual fantasies, I want to be judged, I want to know if I'm a sick evil person, or if I really am like you. A warning, some of them are graphic.

    I'm a 26 year-old heterosexual male. I've never had a girlfriend in my life, never kissed a girl, never been on a date, never had sex, nothing. My only sexual experience has been from porn. I am highly voyeuristic, in that I have little to no interest in penetrative sex. I know most guys think about fucking nonstop, but I dont, it only crosses my mind like once every few months. My father is a narcissist who only thinks about himself, he seems incapable of understanding that other humans have thoughts and feelings (he most notably seems incapable of understanding opinions, for example if he enjoys a certain food he assumes everyone else does, and if you say you dont he won't believe you no matter what).

    I am highly sadistic. This started shortly after I graduated high school. Let's just say a lot of horrendous things were happening (which included my narcissitic and ever abusive father using me as a slave for years, wasted the last of my youth all for his stupid delusions). I was hateful towards the world (and somewhat still am today), I started to fantacize about keeping females as sex slaves. And not just fictional characters, they were all girls from my high school, most of whom I never even talked to. I dreamt about them being kidnapped and taken to some fictional country were women were all sexual slaves. They were forced to walk around in public buck naked (or close to it), but most of my fantasy involved their 'training' in which they were humiliated over and over again until they were willing to submit to anything their new owner wanted. There is no actual sex involved, the closest was one girl being fucked by a machine infront of everyone (including all the other girls and some of the males), and that was all about humiliation bc she was being defiant.

    I invisioned all of this out of spite, I wanted vengeance on some of these girls (i even included some of my former 'friends', even though one of them was butt ugly and i never had any sexual attraction to her what-so-ever, i just wanted to see her tortured bc she spread rumors around that i was lying about my horrible situation, now all my former friends think i'm histrionic and lazy and a pathological liar, I still hate her even to this day). And besides that, it also felt like I was finnally getting what I wanted, all these beautiful girls, completely naked, and doing w/e I wanted (though most of it was just forced nudity). Note i never appear in most of my fantasies, but more on that later.

    Since then, I have developed a huge interest in ENFs (embarrassed nude females), I regularly download videos and sometimes photos of nude girls who are completely embarrassed by their nudity. These videos are either scenes from movies (most of which I dont even know where they came from), scenes from tv shows (most of them appear to be reality shows), or girls doing dares. I also find a site dedicated to this fetish (luckily for me, ENF fetish is quite common, and there's plenty of porn for it), i probably downloaded over 100 images from that site all of girls humiliating themselves, or being humiliated by their 'friends'.

    Now, I feel horrible that I'm so turned on by girls being made miserable.

    I do also still have an interest in sexual slavery, though now I just invision myself having a girlfriend who is a sub, and is more than willing to indulge all my perverse fantasies. I don't know if its more arousing to me or not that she's willingly doing these things, but it does make me feel a lot less guilty. To me, most of the appeal is having free access to a girl, something I obviously don't have in real life, and am likely to never have.

    My actual interest in BDSM started when I discovered an erotica story online (I read those often at one point). Simply put it was about a girl who develops an obviously BDSM interest with a older man. The whole story was written from her perspective, and the most interesting thing to me really was it gave a lot of detail as to why someone would actually enjoy this kind of stuff. I found the thing both arousing, and enlightening. It also helped to ease my guilt a lot, and its shortly after this I started daydreaming about actually having a sub.

    More recently, I took a quiz online to see wheather or not I really was into bdsm. And the results, in all honesty, surprised me. It labeled me as primarily submissive, rather than dominant. I admit, the results may have been screwed up by the fact that i chose results that enphasized me preferring to pleasure the girl rather than myself, not bc i enjoy that, but it makes me feel a lot less horrible to pleasure her rather than indulge my own perversities. But that did get me thinking.

    In my sex slave fantasy, I always invision what the girls are feeling, and what they're experiencing. As for the guys, I dont care about them at all. They don't even have individual identities or even names, they exist purely bc its a practical necessity for the story to work. What I really want is the horror and dread and misery the girls are feeling. I love it when a girl is embarrased and/or helpless. I even enjoyed that erotica story despite the fact that it was told entirely from the girl's perspective. Now, I have no interest at all in being transgendered, let's make that clear, though I do prefer girls over guys for more than anatomical reasons. I hate the minds of males, to me they are revolting and barbaric, I prefered female friends in high school, not just bc of my lack of a girlfriend, but I preferred them as friends bc at the time, I believed a girl could never be evil. I've since learned the error of that thinking, but I still think females overall are more moral than guys.

    As for why I just explained all of that? I thought I might be really a submissive male, or perhaps switchable, so I tried to invision myself in the service of a domanatrix. I don't like it at all. It doesn't matter what the domme looks like, a domaneering commanding personality to me is abhorant. An aggressive powerful female to me may as well be male when it comes to me being aroused. I also don't like seeing guys humiliated, I only enjoy seeing young beautiful girls humiliated and forced to submit to the whims of someone else. I don't like the idea of a female top with a female sub either, I prefer a male top purely bc I hate dominating personalities, so obviously I love the fact that most females aren't commanding and aggressive, and bc of this, to me a dominating female is worse than a dominating male, purely bc i know most girls are better than that. I'm not sexist mind you, I just don't like dominating arrogant personalities. I dont even like the fact that as a male myself I'm expected to be aggressive and assertive and powerhungry and arrogant and uncaring and w/e else. I could list tens of reasons why I think a girl's personality is superior to that of a typical male. I dont even like the idea of me being dominant, thus why the girls in my fantasy are tormented by anonymous males who lack any real description besides being muscular males. Even with my sub fantasy, I don't actually invision myself interacting with her, she would probably be better described as an exhibitionist than anything else really, mind you one that 'belongs' to me. I also like girls being nude in casual settings, the openness and willingness to please me is obviously appealing, I would've loved it if the girls I once knew so many years ago were so...open? I dont know the word....

    I dont know what I am. I love females being nude, either of their own free will or by force, but I hate the idea of a dominant, even if its me. I dont even know why I love seeing girls dominated when I myself was once dominated and controlled by my bullshit father, if anything I should hate it with every fiber of my being. I guess it appeals to me bc i lack control in my own life, and of course i lack a girl, so having control and free access to a girl is highly appealing to me.

    Does this all make me a BDSM person? Or am I just a sad little man with desperate perverse fantasies that I will almost certainly never live out? Just a note, I dont care for physical pain at all (infact, the bdsm porn i find online to me is horrific and disgusting, i've only found one bit of bdsm porn that i actually like, and that's a video of a nude model tied to some sort of frame), I'm only into psychological torment, though I do have a mild interest in bondage, which extends from my interest in sexual slavery. I'm not sure what I am. This all started from day dreams that were vengeful and pure evil. I don't even view myself as a good person really, I'm just evil. I'm selfish, cowardly, and often arrogant (though I have made much progress in eliminating that sin).
     
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  2. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    And I forgot to mention, I do realize that my fantasies are horrible things to do, and in reality wouldn't be very enjoyable for anyone. But I do also enjoy far lighter stuff.
     
  3. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    If I don't get a reply to this soon, I'm going to assume that means 'no, i do not belong here, and i am a sick person who needs to keep my fantasies out of reality'.
     
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  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    BlackWolf, it takes people a couple days to respond to posts at times, especially in the guest section and with long posts. I personally have only skimmed your post and don't want to give a half-hearted response while I don't have any time and haven't fully considered it. Please be patient.
     
  5. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    Not much point now. I copy-pasted that into a reddit forum. Their consensus: my 'impatience' apparently means that I'm completely insane and thus have no business getting into BDSM. To them, I need to go to 'sex therapy', where I will probably be chemically castrated. Clearly, I am not welcome by some in the community. Obviously, I will not be getting involved in BDSM anytime soon, if ever.
     
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  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Holy shit don't go on Reddit. They're stupid and insane (obviously not every user, but 90% of the ones who'll reply to threads).
     
  7. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    I am thinking that too.

    Initially, they were rather nice to me, telling me there was nothing wrong with, but in the end, they decided that I was misogynistic, believed that I was dominant purely bc I was male, and that I lacked any sort of self-control what-so-ever. In the end, they deduced that I would most certainly not be welcome into the BDSM community, and that I should just go see a 'sex therapist' to cure me of my sexual urges forever.
     
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  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    That is because reddit is full of trolls, although I admit that because of your insecurities regarding BDSM it might benefit you to talk to a kink aware therapist about it. Not to 'cure' you, but because it's bothering you.

    And that said I should be able to try and give you a 'real' reply this weekend, I'm just in and out of school all week.
     
  9. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

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  10. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    I've given up on this site. I won't be checking back here anymore, just in case anyone considers replying at some point.
     
  11. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Christ. We have lives outside of answering forums. I would have loved to help you but I've been going through medical things, new university classes, and general life. As I informed you, most people don't check the guest section, although I encouraged them to. There is no reason to give up and never check again. I was literally about to sit down and write a better response, although I did try to offer some generics earlier on. If you're going to be defeatist, disrespectful, and immature about people trying to help you, then no, BDSM is not for you.

    To everyone other than the OP: I reply because every time someone posts a passive aggressive message like that, they do check back, even if they don't say.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2013
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  12. That's a real shame I was just about to answer your post. I really do hope you find the answers you are looking for and if you happen to read this feel free to let me know and I will give you my response.

    I think BDSM is for you it's probably the healthiest ways to explore your urges and possibly one of the only ways.
     
  13. xBlackWolfx

    xBlackWolfx Guest

    As was apparently prophesized, I have returned.

    I don't intend on getting into a bdsm relationship, I've never had a girlfriend in my life, I don't even know how a relationship is supposed to work, honestly I'm more concerned with my own welfare than getting a girl anyway. I was just wanting to know wheather or not I was evil for fantasizing about such horrible things. If you care, I've come to the conclusion that I am. I'm sadistic, selfish, and all I really care about is enjoying my life. But I cant be anything better, I have tried, so I'm just going to have to learn to live with it.

    But whatever you were planning on saying, abstract alice, go ahead and say it. I don't actually have an account, so you'll have to post it here.
     
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  14. Kivas

    Kivas New Member

    Last edited: Aug 31, 2013
  15. rievvv

    rievvv New Member

    There is no sexual deviant. Everybody is different. The mainstream sex talk only want you to believe there is a normal sexual behavior & it is not true.
     

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