Interpreting Signals

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by natifan12, Mar 19, 2013.

  1. natifan12

    natifan12 New Member

    A long time ago I had some experience with BDSM but had no idea I was even doing it. I have been dating a girl for a few weeks now and we have really fallen for each other. We haven't had sex yet and she has mentioned a few things that really turn her on. She likes her hair pulled, face pushed in the bed, and wants a strong man that knows exactly what he wants and takes it. She wants me to get a little rough and treat her like a "grown woman" as she will not break. I take this as she wants me to be the dom. This is a complete 180 from my sex life for the past 20 years, which was very vanilla. We were having a discussion the other night and she slapped me, probably to see what my reaction would be. We kissed later that night and she forcefully bit my lip. Being new at this, I am a little apprehensive. Is she trying to challenge me? Does she really want me to be the dom? I don't know how to interpret these signals? I know that if I am to perform like the dom, I have to be 100% sure of what I'm doing but she knows I haven't been for a while.
     
    Free LIFE TIME Keep2Share Premium
  2. Hi there,
    You are wise to ask.

    OK...from what I'm reading she is definitely giving you signs that she likes rough play, and probably that she wants to be dominated. She may not understand all the "rules" of the BDSM world - but that's fine. You can discover them together - it will be fun.

    My guess is the reason she's slapping and biting you is to provoke you into being rougher with her. She is trying to "top from the bottom" (where a submissive tries to drive the scene instead of the dominant).

    I'm sure this is pretty exciting for you, but if you decide to engage in rough play the problem you have is when do you know when she is "playing", or if she's genuinely asking you to stop?

    In the BDSM world we have the concept of "roleplay" - which is the play acting part.

    And more importantly we have the idea of "safewords".

    These are all explained in the FAQ - which I encourage you to read because it will also give you some ideas, in addition to helping to keep you both safe.

    But let me give you a quick overview of safewords.

    Imagine this...your girlfriend slaps you to provoke you into rough play. You respond, and end up taking her from behind on the bed and pushing her face down as she previously seemed to like. But this time let's imagine that the angle of her neck is different and she feels like she's choking. She says "Stop!", but maybe she's just getting into it...how would you know?

    If you have agreed a safeword beforehand...and typically the word is "red", she can now say "red" (more likely "red...stop!"). The key thing is that you know she is not acting and she needs you to stop.

    (There are other "safe gestures" we use in circumstances where it's hard to say a word - like repeating "uh uh" three times if she's gagged, but you can get to those if and when you need them)

    I would also recommend you agree a second word for "slow down" or "that's as rough as I'd like it to be". Some people use "yellow", but I prefer "mercy" because it fits into the scene better.


    If you'd like to understand domination a bit better I would recommend watching the movie "Secretary".

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274812/?ref_=fn_al_tt_4

    You'll find it in video rental stores, or on NetFlix or Amazon. It's a cult movie.

    Once you watch it, you can build a simple "scene" in your own mind to allow you to act as a dominant (Dom) to your girlfriend.

    She has already given you the perfect excuse for "punishing her". Here's a simple idea:

    • Go on a date to a restaurant.
    • When the time is right you say to her "you know...I've been reading a little more about the idea of rough sex. I've come to the conclusion that you're trying to top from the bottom. If you really want me to be...firmer with you then you're going to have to accept that I'll be the one in charge."
    • So she might ask what you mean, etc. You tell her that you're going to punish her because of her impertinence. If you found inspiration from the movie then you'll know the kind of thing yo can do. Bend her over a desk or the bed when you get back from the restaurant, etc.
    • While you're in the public restaurant, it's a great opportunity to build sexual tension. A classic act of "domination by humiliation" is to tell her to go to the ladies room and take off her panties...and bring them back to you. Then after a few more minutes of conversation tell her to go back to the ladies room and take off her bra. I don't know how outwardly confident you are, but if you like, when she comes back from the bathroom tell her to place her panties (and then her bra) on the table. Leave it there for a minute or so (with the risk that passers by or the waitress will see it), and then stuff them into your jacket pocket. By doing this you're establishing authority over her. You can read more about this in the FAQ.
    • Before you leave the restaurant, pass her a sealed envelope. Inside is a simple message that you've printed out ahead of time. It says:

    We are going to have a lot of fun...but I need to know if you're really in pain or want me to stop. Use the word red to make me stop...and use the word mercy if you want me to slow down. If you want to continue, look me in the eyes and say the words "I understand, Sir".

    My guess is that she will love the fact that you want to play along with her fantasy, and you also want to keep it safe.

    I would also guess that if you don't take control now then she will gradually "up the stakes" to provoke you - and that will not end well.


    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2013
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I agree with Stanley. My advice, briefly stated, is to have a conversation with her about this. Instead of trying to guess what she's thinking, ask her directly. And definitely use safe words. Especially this early in a relationship, you don't want to misinterpret her signals and have something bad happen because of it.
     
  4. fluttershy

    fluttershy Member

    she probubly is trying to test you. me and my master have been having a similar problum. but you should deffently try to stop it here cause its harder to submit when youve been a bad girl for too long
     

Share This Page