Internet Safety

sebastian · May 10, 2012

Aibo: When you talk about traveling, I generally interpret that to mean traveling a good distance, like one city to another, not from my apartment to yours in the same city. So If I travel to another city for a sub, or vice versa, I'm not going to do it just for a first meeting. I'm only going to arrange travel if I think there is a very strong likelihood that I will play with the sub.

Knots · May 10, 2012

Aibo said:
@sebastian

1: For the first date the two involved are quite unlikely to jump straight into a a full fledged session.

It definitely isn't unheard of among experienced players.

Aibo · May 11, 2012

@sebastian: And when I talked about traveling it was intended to read as to at least another part of the country, another country, or the opposite side of the Earth.

The latter being the case when I went for the first meeting with the one who I ended up with for the all to short time of 2010-2011.

And I had no expectations whatsoever for that first meeting except to get to learn to know each other, and find out if we even could communicate. We could and things went on from that. So we did some lighter play quite soon. But and as a Â½ nod to knots, yes we both turned out to be experienced indeed, but in two completely different styles of BDSM - but it made things all the more interesting later on.

But back to the main answer to sebastian.
To ask a submissive to come to a completely different country and culture, and end up where she (or he) have no chance of a backup or even know how to say 'help' or 'police' if things go haywire or the dominant turn out to be a maniac - is nothing I would recommend to anyone.

sebastian · May 11, 2012

Aibo: Yes, traveling to meet a dom is risky. But it's about as risky for the dom to travel as the sub. Neither has any real guarantee that the other is telling the truth. Subs certainly put themselves at risk if they allow the dom to tie them up or otherwise immobilize them, but apart from that risk, the dom is running the same risks as the sub. And there are certainly psycho subs out there. I've met one, although he only went crazy on me after I'd visited him and returned home.

Knots · May 11, 2012

Aibo said:
@sebastian: And when I talked about traveling it was intended to read as to at least another part of the country, another country, or the opposite side of the Earth.

The latter being the case when I went for the first meeting with the one who I ended up with for the all to short time of 2010-2011.

And I had no expectations whatsoever for that first meeting except to get to learn to know each other, and find out if we even could communicate. We could and things went on from that. So we did some lighter play quite soon. But and as a ½ nod to knots, yes we both turned out to be experienced indeed, but in two completely different styles of BDSM - but it made things all the more interesting later on.

But back to the main answer to sebastian.
To ask a submissive to come to a completely different country and culture, and end up where she (or he) have no chance of a backup or even know how to say 'help' or 'police' if things go haywire or the dominant turn out to be a maniac - is nothing I would recommend to anyone.

That's risky for anyone, not just submissives. If I got speaking to someone from the rough parts of my city, whether they were submissive or not it'd be dangerous for me to go round of their house to see them. Likewise it'd be dangerous for me to go to Australia to meet a "sub", who may actually be a psychopath who's got a set of three other people ready to kick three times of hell into me. It's also genrally dangerous to meet a new sub, as you don't know whether the fuck you trust them or they're a different kind of psychopath who's arranged for the police to be called midway through your session so they can go "HE CAME HERE AND RAPED ME!" for attention/money/other benefits.

Three examples, about 20 billion more to go. Point is that both are human, and essentially just as likely to be crazed psychopaths/etc.

ickle_cat · May 11, 2012

i've never had any experience with D/s accross countries etc. it's a weird concept to me but whatever works for you.

i've met up with a few people from online including my current dom/fioncee. i've thankfully never had any problems.

when i met with my dom, we met at a pub in my home town. i haven't really asked him why, but it was a place we both knew and i think he wanted me to be comfortable. we had dinner and coffees and chatted about our situations, what we'd wanted to explore etc. i think we chatted for about a week online before meeting.

after that he asked if i wanted to go to his house, just to watch a movie, nothing big. although he's completely fine, i said i didn't think that was a good idea and he said ok and didn't press it.

conversation went to his work and he said he fixed computers and my laptop had just died. i knew at least one of my housemates was in, so i had said i was going out to meet someone and was expecting to be back late but before the morning. i said i was back and he was there when i got back. you'd think it's strange that my house was ok when his wasn't, but having housemates in and knowing there were up to 4 other people there on my side made it much more safe for me, also i was on my own territory so it was better.

i think one of the main issues for women meeting men (and possibly for subs meeting a doms) is feeling like you're indebted to a person. i've spoken to several women who feel like they had to give a man a sexual favour because they did something for them (gave them a lift home, bought them dinner, let them sleep over at their place). i'll admit, it's something i've done myself. it's SO hard to get over that mentality, because chances are a man will accept a sexual favor but if you don't offer one, they won't feel upset. if someone does something nice for you it's because they want to, not because they want something in return. it's important to be able to say no.

the other person i met i had read their profile on fetlife. it essetially read "i'm an experienced male sub, just got back into the scene, up for anything" i was looking for someone to practice on so i wounldn't cause people injury when i did unleash the inner sadist. we had a conversation over dinner in the pub, my dom was there. it just didn't feel right. while i'm sure he was a genuine guy, he didn't give specifics of what he wanted to try, what he had liked in the past, what his limits were, anything. i felt like i couldn't work with that, so we didn't play.

the three most important things for safety (IMO) are:

1. tell others where you are going, when you expect to be back, silent alarms, etc.

2. trust your insticts. if someone doesn't feel right you don't have to play with them. justify it later if you have to.

3. don't be afraid to say no and don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do.

Internet Safety

sebastian

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Knots

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Aibo

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sebastian

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Knots

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ickle_cat

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