I'm new here. but i have a question.

Sean'sSlave · Dec 30, 2010

I've been lurking this site for a little bit now and i am very much impressed. before now i didn't know people dedicated sites to s and m and i had to get all my info from books. but anyway. i was hoping you guys could help me. i have just recently gotten a new male lover who is interested in becoming my master. i have been in one other relationship with a femdom and loved it, but he is very much new to all this. i have done my best to supply him with lots of resources and answer all his questions but we have a hard time starting a sessions. i think hes afraid to let lose and risk of seeming awkward. any suggestions?

sebastian · Dec 30, 2010

Hi, SS. Has he read the Newcomer's FAQ? That will answer some of his questions and give him some things to think about. If he's brand new to domming, you need to help him build up his confidence and help him find his dominant side. One thing that might help is to start slow. The part of bdsm that guys get into most easily is simple control. Make a deal with your bf that he gets to have sex whenever he wants it, wherever he wants it, and in whatever way he wants it (within any limits that you as the sub feel a need to set, so it's perfectly ok for you to say that play has to stop after 11pm on a work night or whatever). But once he gets used to the idea that he gets a blow job whenever he wants one, he will probably start seeing what's in this for him. Once he's gotten comfortable with just the basic idea of being in control, start working in bondage, or erotic torture, or whatever other types of play you want him to engage in.

If he's feeling uncomfortable or awkward, you need to help him understand that you are enjoying being used. Sub psychology is hard for many doms to understand, so he may well be thinking something like "I'd love to spit in her face, but there's no way she'd enjoy THAT." You, however, might live to get spit on. So help him build his confidence and dominance by playing into what he does. When he does something you like, make your enjoyment of it clear. Say "thank you, Sir, may I have another?" or make some noises or writhe around. I'm not suggesting that you fake it; just make sure that he can tell that you're enjoying it so that he learns that he can do some of the things that social convention tells him he's never supposed to do to his gf.

Communication is critical, esp. at the start of a bdsm relationship. So have regular talks about what you liked and didn't like about what he did. Give him positive feedback and suggestions for how he could have done something better ("I really liked it when you called me a dirty slut. Could you do that more often?"). Ask him what he enjoyed and what he's fantasizing about doing.

L8NightQ · Dec 31, 2010

Welcome ss. I second Seb's advice, and will add a couple of suggestions.
1. Once you convince him that he can have sex with you any time, any way, when you service him orally, put your hands behind your back. It will enhance the image you want to put in his mind that you belong to him.
2. Ask him if he would like to blindfold you... just to see how it feels. Many early Doms are more comfortable with their subs blindfolded (so are many subs).
3. Get him John Warren's book "The Loving Dominant". It's written very plainly and will help him understand what he is moving toward. There's a section in it that's written by his wife, giving more insight into her perspectives as a sub.
4. Suggest a "workshop" every once and a while to try new things without worrying about whether or not you're going to have sex as a part of it. During these workshops, you can try different types of ties and positions, or try spanking positions and methods to see what you and he like best and/or feel most comfortable with.
If any of those workshops turns into a real session, well good for you both.

As far as getting a session started, many times, even if he doesn't ask for it, you can caress him and get (yourself and him) used to you stimulating him. Don't worry about the hands behind the back thing here. Oral sex get's most guys imagination going no matter what.
If you do so, just help him feel comfortable with that fact that it does not have to turn into full blown anything. Just get him use to it feeling natural with no pressure coming from you. Over time it will be much more free flowing.

Keep us posted on how things are going

Hope this helps. (this was kinda rushed.... hope I got it right)

Sean'sSlave · Jan 2, 2011

thanks a lot

last night i took some of the advice you guys wrote and thank thank thank you! things are going much better now. i realize it takes time but all the advice i got here definitely got us going in the right direction.

sebastian · Jan 2, 2011

So tell us what worked

Sean'sSlave · Jan 3, 2011

well first off i sent him a bunch of links to things on this site including this post and faqs. then we had a long talk about what we both wanted and expected from a relationship(which went extremely well) so on friday night when we were together we had our first session. it started out slow but things were not awkward. we both got into it, and by saturday night we were both sad to part. not getting into too much detail it was amazing. not too hardcore but fun. thank you thank you so much.

L8NightQ · Jan 3, 2011

Thanks for the feedback ss. It's so good when you feel like stuff is actually working out.

sebastian · Jan 3, 2011

Especially in the early stages of exploring bdsm, it's good to end the scene 'early', by which I mean that you feel like you could go further. This will help things stay fresh. You have all the time you want to explore bdsm, so going slowly and building your confidence by getting good at one thing is a good way to go.

I'm new here. but i have a question.

Sean'sSlave

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sebastian

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L8NightQ

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Sean'sSlave

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sebastian

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Sean'sSlave

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L8NightQ

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sebastian

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