Ideas for a novice

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MistressMaria86, Nov 30, 2012.

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    Hello all,

    I thought this would be the right place to ask. So have been chatting to a guy online for a little bit and since he found out about my 'little interest' he has been very keen to explore 'the other side'. He reckons that he has never done anything BDSM wise before but seems to have a strong desire for pain and mainly humiliation.

    After some initial reservations I agreed to 'have a little session' on cam - he has one I dont so I can see him but he cant see me and to be honest I prefer it that way. So in my very limited experience (I think I might have even read this on here) I asked him to get an elastic band to put it on his wrist. If he did something I didnt like (and in this case it was answering a question incorrectly) I uttered the words 'you know what to do' and he had to snap the band.

    I didnt really know what else to do besides asking him some questions and the session didnt last long. It was quite odd seeing him do this - am not entirely sure what I was getting out of it but nevertheless I gave it a go.

    A couple of days later when I asked him about it he said he loved it and wanted more pain and more humiliation and this is where I run into trouble. What else can I ask him to do?? he asked me whether I wanted to see him pleasure himself. I was quite shocked - the irony of all this is that I am soooooo green when it comes to all this stuff - I had to be honest and say not really lol.

    As for the humiliation again I am not sure I can really go there - its just not in my nature - at least not to someone I dont know that well (which possibly makes its sound worse lol). Is there anything anyone can suggest to help me get a little more in that mindset??

    All advice appreciated.

    Mistress M
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  2. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

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    Doms have tastes when it comes to fetishes just as much as subs have. Some subs are really into some things while not being that into others.

    For him it sounds like pain and humiliation are this subs turn on. You're doing things through video chat, so you're remotely dominating him. Could be a few things, could be that you're not used to dominating this way so you're not sure what to do? or it could be what he wants isn't really your kettle of fish? *shrugs*.

    To help you get into a mindset though, I think you have to remember you're not physically there with him so you can't physically make him do things. If you want anything done to him you're going to have to give him directions. Directing someone to do something in and of itself is a kind of domination as long as you have the control and you're ordering him not asking.

    As for what you can get out of it? Well, if it was me and it was a female sub, I'd order her to do things that I would find visually arousing and then use that as a means to get myself off. Some kind of positive reinforcement for the sub would be needed so they know that their actions are pleasing you.

    Specifics? I suggested it before and I'll suggest it again, orgasm denial. I think it'd be easier with men than with women. With men there are clear signs of orgasm(Ejaculation) and it should be easy to visually tell when hes getting close although you can make him tell you when hes close- make it an order.

    What you should do is ask him in a previous session to buy panties from a store. When he has the panties make him wear them and nothing else.
    Make a big deal about him wearing panties. Ask him how they feel, how he feels wearing them, how the material feels against his cock. Call him a pervert and make him admit he is one.
    Some point during this 'dirty talk' have him start to masturbate. Tell him how fast or how slow he should go and keep up the 'dirty talk' about the panties. Order him to tell you if hes getting close. If he is have him stop and do something else, like squeeze his nipples, something that involves a bit of pain.
    At some point probably during the beginning you should start to masturbate yourself. After he stops the first time, tell him about what you're doing to yourself. Then have him continue.

    You should continue this start and stop masturbation, after a few times ask him if he'd like to cum. When he says yes(which he will) say no, that he doesn't deserve to yet. Come up with a way for him to prove hes worthy, maybe make him beg. Finally, let him cum as a reward. Make him soak the panties with his cum. Then make him wear them while you continue to chat- or set a timeframe for how long he should continue to wear them.

    Obviously you'll need a way to punish him if he disobeys at any time throughout the play. A rubber band on the wrist was a good idea but a little tame. Next time maybe while hes hard a rubber band on the head of his cock? one that he'll have to snap if hes bad.
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    It's important to realize that you're not playing the role of the dome; you are the domme. You're supposed to be enjoying this. So let yourself indulge your dominant urges. Do you like to inflict pain? Then have him torture his tits (clothespins are good for this) or his cock and balls (that rubber band...). Do you like verbal abuse? Then call him names. Humiliation? Then make him write something derogatory on his body, or make him wipe spit on his face, or drink some of his piss.

    But don't just try to think of what he will enjoy. Figure out what you will enjoy and make him do it.
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    Thank you for your responses. You both say things which should make me think - one being I am supposed to be enjoying this and two to think about what I like. The trouble being that as it stands I dont actually enjoy it and that means that i cant 'get into it'. I have no desire to inflict pain or to watch him 'getoff', to deny him orgasm or to watch him cause himself pain - it has no effect on me whatsoever. As for 'sorting myself out' I never could and if I did I would certainly not admit it to anyone else.

    Reading this back I do know that it reads as though I really shouldnt be here. I dont actually have this in me (to be dominant) and I have to many of my own issues to be a sub. In life would love to relinquish responsibility not control and thats because I have issues with being an adult.

    What I do need to do however is to be honest with him. I suppose its my fault - I hint at 'this little interest of mine' when on other sites (dating ones) and I also visited a BDSM chat room (just to kill some time) and of course a female dom is pretty populr and so I get lots of messages but when it comes down to it I am just not able to really take charge and because so much of it is associated around sex or at least sexual organs I dont know enough to command any authority and as I say am not even sure I want to ....

    I just wanna cuddle up on the sofa with a guy who will every now and again let me use my crop on him for a bit of fun! lol.

    Ah well - thanks again guys appreciate your comments
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  5. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

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    First, let me say it sounds like you're somewhat interested in bdsm, but you only know the 'outer layer' of bdsm(what other people see). I don't know if you've seen any bdsm porn, but if you have and thats what you're defining bdsm as then you're mistaken.

    Any kind of porn is if not fake, then extremely exaggerated. I've only seen a few 'good' bdsm porn videos, the rest are just actors playing a part.

    This is a very important distinction, it talks about this in the FAQ. There's more to bdsm than leather, whips and pain. Subs gain certain kinds of fufillment from being dominated. There are 4 main aspects of bdsm: Control, Bondage, Pain, and Humiliation. Subs enjoy these different aspects of bdsm being applied to them not just because of sexual reasons but other reasons as well some are general but some are unique to the sub.

    You need to understand that when you tell him to 'hurt himself' its not JUST pain. If it was that'd be abuse. What you're inflicting is refered to as 'erotic pain' and it is different.
    For some people when they're in a state of arousal pain changes, instead of being just pain it becomes a constrast to pleasure. Like how shadows become darker in a brighter light, pleasure can be intensified by adding pain in different amounts and in different methods.

    Now this might sound a little unbelievable. How can pain be anything but pain? Well, if you've ever made out with someone and they've kissed your neck you'll know it feels good. Many people enjoy having their neck nuzzled and kissed. Why? In any other situation if someone tried to go for your neck you'd scrunch up trying to protect it, because its ticklish and your body instinctively moves because the neck is a vulnerable area.
    Yet, it feels good when people kiss it when we're aroused. Its because arousal changes "tickling" to "erotic tickling".

    Keep this in mind. Contrasts. They're important because they make things more potent. A light tickling of a feather vs rough calluses or sand papper, the cold of ice vs the warmth of lips, pleasure vs pain. A person can only be sad if they've ever been happy.

    Also, did you mean that you've never masturbated? Was it for any particular reason? maybe moral? you were told sometime by someone that it was wrong to do?

    If so, then I would HIGHLY recommend masturbating. If you're not sure how to go about it then theres 2 options for you. Just explore a bit with your fingers. See what feels good when you rub it. OR you could google porn videos of women mastubating to orgasm.

    I'm a man so I can't have masturbated a pussy I don't have. However as far as I understand it, most start with gently caressing the inner and outer labia. Using saliva to moisten and lubricate the fingers in the beginning. Gently explore the opening of your vagina and then keep exploring till you reach the clitoris at the top. Since you're new to masturbation I'd recomend massaging around the clit and not directly stimulating it, you might be too sensitive.

    I want you to understand that I'm recommending masturbating so highly and going so far as to explain how because I'm concerned. People need to masturbate to become comfortable with their body and its sexual capacity. Having sexual relations with someone without ever having masturbated is akin to running before you've walked or crawled.
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    I think there's a difference between BDSM fans who want to go 24/7, and people who occasionally want to play.

    In MM86's last post she made an interesting observation:

    "I just wanna cuddle up on the sofa with a guy who will every now and again let me use my crop on him for a bit of fun! lol."

    I can absolutely understand this sentiment because most of us have to function in a world that is unaware of our inner fantasies.

    While it's possible to go 24/7 and still remain secret, I think it take a huge effort, and maybe for a lot of people that's just too tiring.

    Even subs need affection, and sometimes Dommes need a cuddle!

    Like so many questions I see on these boards, I don't think this is exclusively a BDSM problem - it's a relationship problem. It's about two people finding the right balance to make each other happy.

    Having said that, both darknova and Sebastian have made good suggestions, and you need to figure out if you can give your sub what he needs without getting "over-taxed" yourself.

    For example, my wife can keep up a bit of Domme play acting for a couple of hours, but any longer than that and I'm pushing her tolerance level. I've learned to live with it, and I explained to her that by denying me domination it was actually a form of domination (yes, she was a bit puzzled by that concept too :) ).

    This is probably why most of the scenes I suggest are time-limited and have strong roleplay cues.

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  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Maria, if what you want is to cuddle and just be lightly in charge, and occasionally do pain play, then that's ok. It doesn't make you less dominant. It just means your interests don't extend as far as some other doms' interests do. So have confidence that you're as dominant as you choose to be, and it's genuine for you. There is no One True Domme that you have to imitate in order to be dominant.

    If that's the way you like things, then be up front with your subs. Tell them that you're not looking to lots of cam play or verbal abuse or heavy pain. Of course, to keep your sub happy, perhaps you'll do more of that sort of play than you might otherwise be inclined to, but do what feels right for you.

    One piece of writing that might help you with this is Bitchy Jones' Diary. She stopped writing it about two years ago, but it's still up. She's really into pain play, but she digs very deeply into issues that femdommes often run into. She dislikes the idea that she has to wear a tight corset in order to dome, because she feels that means she's act out her sub's fantasies rather than hers. She wants femdomme to be feminist, not just an extension of the malesub's desires. Check it out:
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    I like to make my slaves wear provocative female underwear while out and about itis rather fun and interesting for both sides as you never know what to expect also it sort of "de-mans" them in a way taking awaythe masculinity and replacing with feminity
    if he isnt into that sort of thing ;)

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