I should't be on here!!!

Discussion in 'Safety aspects of BDSM' started by Sherrylynn, Nov 5, 2011.

  1. Sherrylynn

    Sherrylynn New Member

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    If my husband knew I was on this site, he'd beat me senseless!

    I thought I could get some advice here from someone in the know. It started out as a dom/sub relationship but after we were married it became more serious and real-life for my husband. He punishes me for nearly everything I do and it's to the point where I feel like an abused woman who can't escape him. He has chores for me to do everyday and he makes me carry a cellphone when I'm out so he can always reach me.

    If he discovered me posting on a site like this, I would get spanked for an hour or more with a huge wooden spoon or wooden hairbrush. I'm not allowed to use the computer too often and am usually supervised. Just last night I was five minutes later than he thought I should be getting back from the grocery store and he came out to the car while I was getting the bags to bring in, and started slapping me and telling me to get in the house. Once inside he stripped me and whipped me with the belt for over an hour! It was horrible and I am covered in bruises and welts today.

    I have tried to talk to my husband and tell him that things have gotten out of control but he slaps me on my face and tells me I will obey him or else. I love my husband but I'm afraid of him.

    I have to go because he'll be home soon and there are things I still have to do. I'll post when and if I can but I have to sneak. Is anyone else in this kind of relationship?

    Thank you.

  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    You have to talk to him about how this has gotten out of control. If he won't listen to you, or if you think he'll harm you for saying so, you need to get someone else (that is, law enforcement) involved and/or leave. If you're not consenting anymore, this is abuse, ad if you can't talk to him or stop him, the same.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    Sounds like abusive relationship if you can't stop him go to the police before it gets even worse

    BDSM is only for mutual satisfaction it's not an actual slavery its just pretending!
  4. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

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    It sounds like your relationship has crossed the line between kink and abuse, if he is unwilling to communicate about this then you have a serious problem. Although going to the police may seam like a drastic measure if you can't get him to communicate and you feel trapped it seams like your only option beyond leaving him.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    BDSM is about _consensual_ power exchange for the mutual pleasure of the dom and sub. If you are no longer enjoying it, you have the right (both ethically and legally) to withdraw your consent. If you tell your husband that you've withdrawn your consent and he continues to dominate you, he is quite possibly committing a crime. Certainly if he spanks, slaps, or otherwise inflicts pain on you without your permission, he is committing domestic violence.

    If I understand your post, you originally consented to be his slave, but he's taken things far beyond what you want to do as a submissive. If that's the case, there are basically two things that might be going on. 1) He might be an abusive man who got you into BDSM so he could simply have total control. Basically, he's an abusive asshole pretended to do BDSM. 2) He might be a decent guy who has lost his balance. He might think that this is genuinely what you want, and that he's pushing your limits in a healthy way. Some slaves want to be forced to do things and therefore put up resistance. So he might be mistaking your resistance as a 'no means yes' situation.

    You're the only one who knows which of these two scenarios is likely to be true. If you think it's the first scenario, if you think he will react badly to your efforts to withdraw your submission, contact a battered woman's shelter and ask for help in getting out. If this is the case, this isn't BDSM, it's abuse, and there are many resources you can tap into for help, depending on where you live.

    If you think the second situation is the case, tell him that you have stopped enjoying the BDSM and you are withdrawing your consent and your submission. If he tries to 'push through' and remain in charge, or discipline you for resistance, tell him that you're very serious and that if he strikes you, you will call the police. Make it very clear to him that the BDSM will not resume unless and until you are satisfied that he will respect whatever limits you feel a need for. Insist on a safe word. Insist on a weekly 'equals meeting', in which the two of you talk as equals about what is and isn't working and what you do and don't want. Insist that he reaffirm his love and affection for you with gestures like presents, romantic dinners, or whatever else will remind you that he respects you and isn't an asshole.

    But here's the tricky thing. You need to figure out which scenario you're living in and be fairly sure of it before you take action. If you're living in 1 and try for option 2, you might be endangering yourself. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she tries to leave. If you're living in 2 and try for option 1, you might really embarrass both of you (which, obviously is much less serious than being at risk of being killed). You love him, but don't use that as a guide to which scenario you're in--most abused women love their husbands and think they can help him. Some of them wind up dead as a result.

    If you decide that you're living scenario 1, take time to plan your departure. Contact a shelter, make plans with them, and plan to leave when your husband is going to be gone for several hours, to give yourself time to pack and get away. Don't let him know where you're going. If he's actually an abuser, don't try to salvage the marriage--just get out. It's very hard for true abusers to change, and you're likely to get injured or killed waiting for the transformation.

    Let us know how you're doing. We obviously can't help in person, but we'll give you all the support we can.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2011
  6. Sherrylynn

    Sherrylynn New Member

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    Please let me explain...

    I am so grateful to have found you guys and thanks so much for all your replies and support. I couldn't log on last night as my husband was home. The night I posted that 1st post here, he came home early and the chores were not done...so I spent the night tied over the end of our sleigh bed getting paddled all night on and off until morning! I'm just now recuperating enough to sneak on and post. What a terrible night! His punishments can be long and severe.

    My husband is at work now...has his own business. So great to have someone to talk to about this.

    Yes, at first I agreed to be his submissive slave, but little by little, especially after we were married, it has been taken to levels I never dreamed. I am truly terrified of my husband but he says it's for my own good and that he's trying to make me a better person. I'm not allowed to have friends and I barely get to see my family either. When I do see them, it's for set periods of time, where I have to be home when my husband says.

    I have tried to talk to him in the past and am preparing to do it again...soon. It's not easy to talk to him and if he says that it's the end of the discussion then it's pretty much over. He told me that if the chores aren't done tonight, I will be strapped, while spending the night hogtied and suspended from the wood beams in our bedroom, all night long! I have no control or say in what happens, whatsoever. I used to, but not anymore. He uses nipple clamps too a lot, with heavy weights on them. I am very small and petite and my husband is a 230 pound muscular big tall man. Not sure what to do exactly just yet but you guys have given me lots to think about for now.

    Just telling someone about what I'm living makes me feel better. Thank you for your support. It feels good to know people care.

    My husband is very controlling and he's a firm believer in extreme corporal punishment which I receive often...at least 4 - 5 times a week. I aways cry when I'm spanked and find it very painful to bear. If I try to cover my bum or interfere in anyway, he spanks harder and longer. There's always scolding and sometimes humiliation. He can be very cruel and says that a spanking without tears is not really a spanking. He doesn't hesitate to hit my genitals too and ties my legs apart. It's terrible and I hate decribing it but I just have to tell someone what is happening.

    As for sex, he expects it often and whenever he pleases, whether I'm in the mood or not. I have to give him a bj first thing in the morning and at night before he sleeps. Even if I'm sleeping when he gets in, I have to get up and service him before I'm allowed to go back to sleep. This is a daily thing. I've been so turned off of sex lately though which hasn't been good because it usually starts off with a blistering spanking, to 'adjust my attitude' he says. Usually sex is rough and painful and I'm crying through most of it. I used to enjoy sex but now I hate it. I've never really flat out refused him sex but I know he would do it whether I wanted him to or not.

    It feels good just to get all of this off my chest and tell someone what happens to me. I don't have friends and I never get to go out much. I'm 27 and my husband is 48. I really have to go now. Worried he could come home early again.

    I'll post when I can, but thank you all so much for letting me tell my story, as horrible as it is. I feel better already. I'll be back as soon as I can. I've only just begun to tell you my experiences really, but it takes time to open up and share tough things with others. It's embarrassing and humiliating too. Would like to say more but I also can't stay logged on too long at a time. I'll be back though so don't worry.

    Thank you.

  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    You've added a detail that tells me what's going on. Social isolation is a critical tactic for abusers, because it enables them to completely control the victim's world. Doms, on the other hand, usually want their subs to have social support, for example other submissive friends that they can talk with, or other dom/sub couples that they can be open with. This man is a violent abuser who is presenting what he's doing as BDSM because it gives him an excuse. You may be a submissive by nature, but in this relationship you're just the victim. You need to seriously think about getting out, because this isn't going to get any better. Start looking for a domestic violence support system, a battered woman's shelter, or something like that. Make plans with them (or with a family member or good friend, if you have one you can trust). Take the time to plan things out--who's going to pick you up, where you will go, what stuff you'll take in your suitcase, what you will tell your co-workers (if you have a job). The more clearly you have your plans laid, the better the chance you'll get safely away.

    I realize that it probably upsets you to think that you're a victim of domestic violence, because you thought you were doing BDSM, but BDSM is consensual. The sub can stop the action at any time, the sub derives pleasure from the submission, and the dom and sub are able to interact as equals when needed. None of that applies to you, even if it might have been true at the beginning. Don't let your husband claim that what you are doing now is BDSM; it's not. If the police get involved, he might try to claim that you consent to this treatment, so be prepared to tell the police very clearly that you do not consent.
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2011
  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Sebastian's right with everything he's saying, please make plans to get out. If you can, let us know how you're doing eventually.
  9. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    Eh I think you need to "jump off" the quicker you do it the better contact some of your friends stronger men would be better in this situation or contact police

    and always delete your internet history
    Good luck

  10. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    My heart goes out to you
    Please please leave him
    everything said above is amazingly good advice

    Ask yourself how he is making you a better person?
    He isnt, he is making you better for HIMSELF but he is doing nothing for you
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Jett's right. A sub ought to feel like her dom is helping her become a better sub, and you clearly are not feeling that way.
  12. Sherrylynn

    Sherrylynn New Member

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    I don't feel helped, I feel abused

    Oh thanks so much for all your help, you guys. It sure feels reassuring to know that people out there understand what is happening to me. It's not easy to just get up and leave. It's going take some courage and planning. Somehow, someway. I will escape him.

    I do not have a job...my husband won't allow it. He lets me read and educate myself with books but only with his inspection and approval first.

    I tried talking to him last night and it did not go well at all...

    I am not doing well right now and am typing this note with a ball gag in my mouth, one to which my husband holds the key. He comes home at lunch so I can eat but before he goes back to work he puts the gag back in. There's a lock on it, so it cannot be removed except by my husband. I hate it on days when I have to wear the gag. Once he made me wear it for an entire week, except for meals, and bj's of course.

    I tried to talk to him and told him I wasn't happy and that things had become out of control. I told him I couldn't take it anymore. He got very angry and slapped me across the face, saying that I was back-talking and disrespecting him. I couldn't get him to listen to reason. He forced a bar of soap into my mouth and made me keep it in while he spanked me over his knee with a big wooden spoon saying 'this is what happens when you qyestion my authority'. I am still in agonizing pain from the beating and can't even take a tylenol because of the gag.

    That's not all...

    He says I am being punished until Wednesday and that every day until then I will be spanked with a bar of soap in my mouth. He'll be home in an hour to dish out my terrible punishment for today. I am totally and utterly dreading it but there's no way out of it.

    I don't have any friends to turn to but I could turn to my family. Right now he's grounded me though and taken all the phones out of the house. I think he must have forgot the laptop or it would be gone too. I am confined to one area of the house though, as he's locked all the doors to prevent me access to certain places...like where the T.V. is, etc. I'm not allowed to do anything at all but sit and reflect on my 'offence' and my punishment. I was told this morning that I was lucky to not be tied up spread eagle over his desk all day at work or under his desk sucking him.

    I think tonight he'll be using his awful wooden hairbrush. I am already blistered from my last spankings but he says that I deserve it and will receive it as soon as he gets home. I'm dreading it horribly.

    I also don't get to sleep in bed with him when I'm being punished and have to sleep on the floor. Most times he ties me bent and spread over a chair, so that when he gets up several times throughout the night he can continue my punishment. I hate nights like this and I never sleep. I have a feeling tonight will be one of those nights. I could just tell by the mood he was in this morning. I'm in for hell tonight.

    I really have to go but I am going to have to think about a plan of escape. I would have to make sure that I got away for good because he would beat me unrecognizable if he caught me trying to get away from him. One time I ran away from him before a spanking and I was so sorry I did when he caught me. I was spanked really hard for two hours and couldn't sit down for nearly three days. I was also made to sleep with his penis in my mouth for two nights in a row. He beat my legs and inner thighs with a stick and also my genitals with a plastic ruler. It was one of the worst punishments I ever received. Horrible even remembering it.

    I don't know if I have the nerve to call the police outright. I'd rather just leave one day when he's at work, when I have access to the whole house again. He usually takes my car keys away everyday, accept on days I have errands to run. I'm pretty sure I could plan it.

    Gotta go...

    Thank you.

  13. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    If you have errands to run, you could also visit your family and drop off some things, then plan when you'll see them again. Or you could just grab your things and leave. When that time comes, go, and do see the police- even if you don't want to, look at it this way: he might report the car stolen and they'll track you down for other reasons. If that happens, you'll either be going back or explaining to the police why you took it. You have to get them involved, or things will just get worse, and I don't doubt that he'll make at least some effort to find you when you leave- they can help you with that, even if by chance he's not arrested.

    Additionally, you don't have phones, but you have internet. Email someone, soon. By 'soon' I mean 'if you haven't already, do it when you read this.' If he realizes about the internet, you might not get to. If you don't have any family's email addresses, email law enforcement officials, or whoever you can. Cutting off your communication is serious, and combined with no car, you'll be trapped.
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Looking at your situation, it doesn't seem like you have too much holding you there. So my advice would be to get out sooner rather than later. Find a battered woman's shelter, pack a bag and go. And smallest is probably right--you'll probably need to contact the police so he won't do it first. if he locks you into a ball gag, you might go with the gag in. It will be embarrassing, but it will probably shock the cops a little bit and get their sympathy. Make getting out of there your highest priority. He's confirmed that he won't listen to you, so your goal now should be to get out before he inflicts real injury or worse on you.

    It may not seem like it, but you actually have the upper hand in one respect. Much of what your husband has been doing to you is illegal. Even with consent, a fair amount of BDSM is technically illegal, and without consent it sure as hell is. I'm not a lawyer, but it sounds to me like he's committed assault and false imprisonment at a bare minimum. You just need to convince the authorities that you weren't a willing participant. So if you have any evidence that you were unwilling, take that. Make sure you don't let him frame things as a couple doing BDSM and just having a disagreement. Make it clear to the police from the start that you were tried to stop and he refused.
  15. Sherrylynn

    Sherrylynn New Member

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    What a terrible night I've had!

    It was one of my worst and started as soon as my husband got home from work. As I anticipated, I was spanked with the wooden hairbrush for about 25 minutes with a bar of soap in my mouth, and then made to stand in the corner naked for an hour before being made to perform oral on him while he watched the news. It was a painful and awful night...totally humiliating. I was spanked again for 5 minutes for accidently failing to swallow all of his sperm. Then I was put to bed on the floor beside the bed, with my legs tied open. He spanked my genitals until I cried and then told me to go to sleep and left the room. A couple hours later, he lifted me onto the bed and mounted me from behind. It hurt really bad, as my husband is a very large and well endowed man. I was then made to clean him with my mouth and I was put back on the floor to sleep. At around five am he woke me up and I had to perform oral again before he showered for work.

    I still have the ball gag in today and will until Wednesday. He put it on before he went to shower and I made his breakfast. I am very sore today and I've been confined again to a small area of the house. I'd have to break a window to get out of here and besides that, I'm half clothed. I just don't have the courage to do what you're proposing...go out half naked and gagged. I'm afraid I'm stuck here until at least Wednesday or Thursday.

    I am especially dreading tonight because my husband says that I'm getting a spanking with his hand. I dread hand spankings because they go on forever and they hurt so much. He also spanks my genitals until they burn and if I try to close my legs he uses a ruler or a belt. He can last for a long time too with his hand spankings and I just cry and cry until it's over. He says I am going to suck him all evening and all night too, as part of my punishment. I will be speding the night on the floor spread at the foot of the bed again too.

    Wish I could get out of this and I'm sorry I tried to talk to him at all now. He's made sure of that. My punishments are not easy to endure and I really get hurt badly.

    I am thinking about leaving on Friday, and going to my sisters. I likely will need police protection from him because if he knows I'm there he'll break down the door to get me. I have no brothers and my dad is deceased, so it's just my mom and my sister. They are both small petite women too.

    I wish I could leave today so I wouldn't have to endure another night of cruelty and abuse, but he has made sure that I won't be going anywhere. When he gets home for lunch today he says I'm going to be tied spread over a table for the rest of the day until he gets home, to make sure I am refecting on my offence and punishment. He made a special table with holes for my breasts to fit through so he can apply nipple clamps with weights. I've been tied to it many times before and I totally hate it.

    I am especially fearful and want to get away before he uses something else he is making for me. I saw it one day accidently when I went down to the basement where I am forbidden to go without permission. It was a wooden cross mounted on the wall, with an enormous penis jutting out from the center and a smaller one in behind it! The were steel wrisht cuffs an the ends of the arm board. I think he intends to impale me on it!!! It looked like he was still working on it and he's never mentioned it to me. I saw a third board and some other large dildos. I fear the day is coming that I will be on that cross. The phallus looked like it was 12 inches long and 4-5 inches thick!!!

    I wish I could leave right now. I have a feeling tonight is going to be worse than I think. He is relentless and has no mercy. If I beg or plead for him to stop spanking, it gets much worse. He scolds me horribly too and says very degrading and humiliating things, like 'now your little cu_t is gonna get what it deserves' and 'get down on your knees and get my big c_ck in your mouth'. If I protest or hesitate in anyway, it's worse and more painful for me. I have to call him sir when I'm being punished, but lately he's been demanding I call him daddy. If I forget or don't say it, he paddles me for it. He has several custom-made paddles that he uses on me, but he enjoys using a wooden spoon and hairbrush a lot too. Plus he uses his hand and the belt as well.

    This afternoon and tonight before he gets home, I won't be able to post because I'll be tied. I wish I didn't have to spend the rest of the day this way. I dread what's coming. I'm miserable.

    Thanks so much for all your great advice. Don't worry, I will get out of this situation soon. I am so sore and in pain from his abuse. I don't know how I will endure another spanking tonight.

    I'll be in touch on Tuesday, hopefully if I can. Pray that I can handle what's coming tonight and that it's not too severe.

    Thank you.


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