I should't be on here!!!

Sherrylynn · Nov 5, 2011

If my husband knew I was on this site, he'd beat me senseless!

I thought I could get some advice here from someone in the know. It started out as a dom/sub relationship but after we were married it became more serious and real-life for my husband. He punishes me for nearly everything I do and it's to the point where I feel like an abused woman who can't escape him. He has chores for me to do everyday and he makes me carry a cellphone when I'm out so he can always reach me.

If he discovered me posting on a site like this, I would get spanked for an hour or more with a huge wooden spoon or wooden hairbrush. I'm not allowed to use the computer too often and am usually supervised. Just last night I was five minutes later than he thought I should be getting back from the grocery store and he came out to the car while I was getting the bags to bring in, and started slapping me and telling me to get in the house. Once inside he stripped me and whipped me with the belt for over an hour! It was horrible and I am covered in bruises and welts today.

I have tried to talk to my husband and tell him that things have gotten out of control but he slaps me on my face and tells me I will obey him or else. I love my husband but I'm afraid of him.

I have to go because he'll be home soon and there are things I still have to do. I'll post when and if I can but I have to sneak. Is anyone else in this kind of relationship?

Thank you.

Sherrylynn.

Smallest · Nov 5, 2011

You have to talk to him about how this has gotten out of control. If he won't listen to you, or if you think he'll harm you for saying so, you need to get someone else (that is, law enforcement) involved and/or leave. If you're not consenting anymore, this is abuse, ad if you can't talk to him or stop him, the same.

master jey · Nov 5, 2011

Sounds like abusive relationship if you can't stop him go to the police before it gets even worse

BDSM is only for mutual satisfaction it's not an actual slavery its just pretending!

decoyicus · Nov 5, 2011

It sounds like your relationship has crossed the line between kink and abuse, if he is unwilling to communicate about this then you have a serious problem. Although going to the police may seam like a drastic measure if you can't get him to communicate and you feel trapped it seams like your only option beyond leaving him.

sebastian · Nov 5, 2011

BDSM is about _consensual_ power exchange for the mutual pleasure of the dom and sub. If you are no longer enjoying it, you have the right (both ethically and legally) to withdraw your consent. If you tell your husband that you've withdrawn your consent and he continues to dominate you, he is quite possibly committing a crime. Certainly if he spanks, slaps, or otherwise inflicts pain on you without your permission, he is committing domestic violence.

If I understand your post, you originally consented to be his slave, but he's taken things far beyond what you want to do as a submissive. If that's the case, there are basically two things that might be going on. 1) He might be an abusive man who got you into BDSM so he could simply have total control. Basically, he's an abusive asshole pretended to do BDSM. 2) He might be a decent guy who has lost his balance. He might think that this is genuinely what you want, and that he's pushing your limits in a healthy way. Some slaves want to be forced to do things and therefore put up resistance. So he might be mistaking your resistance as a 'no means yes' situation.

You're the only one who knows which of these two scenarios is likely to be true. If you think it's the first scenario, if you think he will react badly to your efforts to withdraw your submission, contact a battered woman's shelter and ask for help in getting out. If this is the case, this isn't BDSM, it's abuse, and there are many resources you can tap into for help, depending on where you live.

If you think the second situation is the case, tell him that you have stopped enjoying the BDSM and you are withdrawing your consent and your submission. If he tries to 'push through' and remain in charge, or discipline you for resistance, tell him that you're very serious and that if he strikes you, you will call the police. Make it very clear to him that the BDSM will not resume unless and until you are satisfied that he will respect whatever limits you feel a need for. Insist on a safe word. Insist on a weekly 'equals meeting', in which the two of you talk as equals about what is and isn't working and what you do and don't want. Insist that he reaffirm his love and affection for you with gestures like presents, romantic dinners, or whatever else will remind you that he respects you and isn't an asshole.

But here's the tricky thing. You need to figure out which scenario you're living in and be fairly sure of it before you take action. If you're living in 1 and try for option 2, you might be endangering yourself. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she tries to leave. If you're living in 2 and try for option 1, you might really embarrass both of you (which, obviously is much less serious than being at risk of being killed). You love him, but don't use that as a guide to which scenario you're in--most abused women love their husbands and think they can help him. Some of them wind up dead as a result.

If you decide that you're living scenario 1, take time to plan your departure. Contact a shelter, make plans with them, and plan to leave when your husband is going to be gone for several hours, to give yourself time to pack and get away. Don't let him know where you're going. If he's actually an abuser, don't try to salvage the marriage--just get out. It's very hard for true abusers to change, and you're likely to get injured or killed waiting for the transformation.

Let us know how you're doing. We obviously can't help in person, but we'll give you all the support we can.

Sherrylynn · Nov 6, 2011

Please let me explain...

I am so grateful to have found you guys and thanks so much for all your replies and support. I couldn't log on last night as my husband was home. The night I posted that 1st post here, he came home early and the chores were not done...so I spent the night tied over the end of our sleigh bed getting paddled all night on and off until morning! I'm just now recuperating enough to sneak on and post. What a terrible night! His punishments can be long and severe.

My husband is at work now...has his own business. So great to have someone to talk to about this.

Yes, at first I agreed to be his submissive slave, but little by little, especially after we were married, it has been taken to levels I never dreamed. I am truly terrified of my husband but he says it's for my own good and that he's trying to make me a better person. I'm not allowed to have friends and I barely get to see my family either. When I do see them, it's for set periods of time, where I have to be home when my husband says.

I have tried to talk to him in the past and am preparing to do it again...soon. It's not easy to talk to him and if he says that it's the end of the discussion then it's pretty much over. He told me that if the chores aren't done tonight, I will be strapped, while spending the night hogtied and suspended from the wood beams in our bedroom, all night long! I have no control or say in what happens, whatsoever. I used to, but not anymore. He uses nipple clamps too a lot, with heavy weights on them. I am very small and petite and my husband is a 230 pound muscular big tall man. Not sure what to do exactly just yet but you guys have given me lots to think about for now.

Just telling someone about what I'm living makes me feel better. Thank you for your support. It feels good to know people care.

My husband is very controlling and he's a firm believer in extreme corporal punishment which I receive often...at least 4 - 5 times a week. I aways cry when I'm spanked and find it very painful to bear. If I try to cover my bum or interfere in anyway, he spanks harder and longer. There's always scolding and sometimes humiliation. He can be very cruel and says that a spanking without tears is not really a spanking. He doesn't hesitate to hit my genitals too and ties my legs apart. It's terrible and I hate decribing it but I just have to tell someone what is happening.

As for sex, he expects it often and whenever he pleases, whether I'm in the mood or not. I have to give him a bj first thing in the morning and at night before he sleeps. Even if I'm sleeping when he gets in, I have to get up and service him before I'm allowed to go back to sleep. This is a daily thing. I've been so turned off of sex lately though which hasn't been good because it usually starts off with a blistering spanking, to 'adjust my attitude' he says. Usually sex is rough and painful and I'm crying through most of it. I used to enjoy sex but now I hate it. I've never really flat out refused him sex but I know he would do it whether I wanted him to or not.

It feels good just to get all of this off my chest and tell someone what happens to me. I don't have friends and I never get to go out much. I'm 27 and my husband is 48. I really have to go now. Worried he could come home early again.

I'll post when I can, but thank you all so much for letting me tell my story, as horrible as it is. I feel better already. I'll be back as soon as I can. I've only just begun to tell you my experiences really, but it takes time to open up and share tough things with others. It's embarrassing and humiliating too. Would like to say more but I also can't stay logged on too long at a time. I'll be back though so don't worry.

Thank you.

Sherrylynn.

sebastian · Nov 6, 2011

You've added a detail that tells me what's going on. Social isolation is a critical tactic for abusers, because it enables them to completely control the victim's world. Doms, on the other hand, usually want their subs to have social support, for example other submissive friends that they can talk with, or other dom/sub couples that they can be open with. This man is a violent abuser who is presenting what he's doing as BDSM because it gives him an excuse. You may be a submissive by nature, but in this relationship you're just the victim. You need to seriously think about getting out, because this isn't going to get any better. Start looking for a domestic violence support system, a battered woman's shelter, or something like that. Make plans with them (or with a family member or good friend, if you have one you can trust). Take the time to plan things out--who's going to pick you up, where you will go, what stuff you'll take in your suitcase, what you will tell your co-workers (if you have a job). The more clearly you have your plans laid, the better the chance you'll get safely away.

I realize that it probably upsets you to think that you're a victim of domestic violence, because you thought you were doing BDSM, but BDSM is consensual. The sub can stop the action at any time, the sub derives pleasure from the submission, and the dom and sub are able to interact as equals when needed. None of that applies to you, even if it might have been true at the beginning. Don't let your husband claim that what you are doing now is BDSM; it's not. If the police get involved, he might try to claim that you consent to this treatment, so be prepared to tell the police very clearly that you do not consent.

Smallest · Nov 6, 2011

Sebastian's right with everything he's saying, please make plans to get out. If you can, let us know how you're doing eventually.

master jey · Nov 6, 2011

Eh I think you need to "jump off" the quicker you do it the better contact some of your friends stronger men would be better in this situation or contact police

and always delete your internet history
Good luck

MJ

JettOnly · Nov 6, 2011

My heart goes out to you
Please please leave him
everything said above is amazingly good advice

Ask yourself how he is making you a better person?
He isnt, he is making you better for HIMSELF but he is doing nothing for you

I should't be on here!!!

Sherrylynn

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