I regret trying bdsm

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Ton2910, Mar 18, 2012.

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  1. Ton2910

    Ton2910 New Member

    Is there any help out there for people like me?

    Since doing it I've lost my job and can't leave the house, really need some advice.
     
  2. Knots

    Knots Member

    Errm...

    Why exactly do you regret it? How has doing BDSM made you lose your job or be unable to leave the house?
     
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    How did BDSM make this happen?
     
  4. Ton2910

    Ton2910 New Member

    I guess it screwed with my head.

    For example at work people stopped talking to me, I think they could see I was messed up but obv they wouldn't know why, if I go outside I start panicking in case I see the dominatrix woman.

    I guess I feel like so nervous and timid, like I'm emasculated or something, I don't like being near people since I did it.
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, so let me see if I understand this. You did a session with a dominant woman, and since then you've been feeling very nervous about social contact with other people because you feel like they can see that you're submissive? And you're worried about running into the domme? Because she would expect you to be submissive toward her in public? And this sudden social phobia interfered with your job so much that you were fired as a result? Have I got this right?

    It sounds to me like the submissive play that you did opened up some sort of deeply-repressed anxiety you had. The BDSM didn't cause the problem itself, but it helped the problem surface, because it allowed you to get in touch with personal issues you've never acknowledged before. BDSM often involves exploring parts of one's personality that have been kept hidden. You allowed yourself to feel the submissive side of you, and now you either are scared of that submissive side or you like it so much that you want to stay in that submissive place.

    So one thing to realize that even though you now can access that submissive part of you, other people cannot magically see it. It might feel obvious to you that you're submissive, but it is not obvious to others (unless you're running around in a gimp suit asking people to kiss their boots). Gay people frequently remark on how straight people can be oblivious to gayness (for example, how did anyone not realize that Liberace and Paul Lynde were gay?), and the same is true of vanilla people and kinkiness--they will often completely miss even obvious signs of submissiveness in a person (that's why people are always so shocked when someone admits to being kinky--it completely violates the normal social face that people see). So, act normal when you go out (even if you want to act submissive) and most people will never even imagine that you're submissive inside. It's possible that a few closet kinksters might recognize the subtle signs of submissiveness, but they won't shame you or reject you--they'll see you as a kindred spirit.

    And half-way sane domme will understand the need for discretion in public. So if you run into Madame X at the grocery store, she's not likely to demand that you kneel in the freezer aisle. She might smile at you or give you a subtle sign that she recognizes you, but she won't cause a scene. And if she's a prodomme or otherwise very experienced, she may completely ignore you, on the assumption that you don't want her to make any contact at all. If, by some chance, she's stupid and thinks you're going to serve her in public, you're entirely within your rights to ignore her and let her make a fool out of herself. But, if you're really not sure, send the domme an email and just explain that if you meet her in public, you're going to pretend you don't know her.

    But it sounds like your anxiety is bigger than the advice that we can offer you here. We're just amateurs, offering guidance where we can. If your anxiety has caused you to lose your job and has seriously disrupted your life, I think you need to find a trained therapist to speak to about your anxieties. BDSM didn't suddenly create this problem; it was just the catalyst for deeper issues to come out. So find counseling and explore what the deeper issues are. You can, of course, keep posting here, but I think you need professional assistance.

    So
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2012
  6. Ton2910

    Ton2910 New Member

    Ok but I think what's fked me up the most is letting someone have so much power over me, I think it's that what fked me up, I would say it's bdsm it hats caused but I guess I shud see a therapist.
     
  7. Knots

    Knots Member

    I agree with Sebastian, in that this sounds like a latent social phobia, and I suggest you go and see a therapist.

    Though how did the BDSM session itself go? Did you enjoy yourself at the time, or is it on the whole a bad experience you regretted at the time?
     
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Being submissive involves making yourself vulnerable to another person. That's definitely a frightening experience for many people, but most subs find that the fear is balanced out or surpassed by the various pleasures of being vulnerable--the sexual activities themselves, the relief of not having to be in charge, the opportunity to put down the pressures of masculinity for a while, and so on. It sounds to me that you've had a real fear of being hurt emotionally and that the vulnerability of BDSM brought some of that fear to the forefront. But that's just a guess.
     
  9. Ton2910

    Ton2910 New Member

    I felt aroused at the time but also angry, I felt like I wish I'd told her to get off me to be honest
     
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    It's interesting to see you back after so long. Can we help you with it, or are you just explaining?
     
  11. Ton2910

    Ton2910 New Member

    How do I get help for it?

    I've not left the house hardly since it happened it affected me a lot.
     
  12. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    In that case, I really do have to echo what the others said. You should see a professional
     
  13. wendywatkins

    wendywatkins New Member

    Could be an insane form of sub-drop.... I wonder if your domme gave you good aftercare? Doesn't really sound like it to me.
     
  14. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I wouldn't call anything having this much of an effect on his life just sub drop, although i agree that it could be an element
     
  15. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    I agree with sebastian here, I think there were some major underlying issues that you hadn't dealth with that being submissive brought out. I couldn't even begin to figure out the issue with so little information and I doubt anyone could.

    Beyond that, I find the blaming of bdsm more then slightly offensive. Clearly you didn't decide to try bdsm on a whim, and like everyone else who has ever voluntarily engaged in bdsm, they did so because they felt something off in their life, even if on a subconscious level. The fact you knew something was wrong and when it wasn't fixed by bdsm in a single session you so quickly condemn it as being the problem in your life, is the same as people saying "if he'd have never tried marijuana back in college he wouldn't have tried harder drugs."
    You are placing undue blame on something that has nothing to do with your problems, and you need to seek help before you ostracize yourself from the only community that openly accepts anyone regardless of their faults and quirks.
     
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