How to get Dom to read/research? (lasubbie)

lasubbie101 · Aug 18, 2012

Please any advise needed. My sir is not interested in reading to learn more however I am an avid reader and I think it makes my hubbi (new Dom) insecure but how else are we to learn? I feel like I am domming when I suggest readings and the are not easily recieved. However Ike earlier posts I have kind of thrown this on my husband when I realizedy fantasies had a name BDSM. he is good with it execpt me trying tO tell him what to do.... But we can't learn, as new newbies, without reading... So what should I do??? He a soluey detests reading and he has always been. Athrally dom. Do I just shut up until he feels comfortable With this huge shift in paradigm in our marriage?

Roland · Aug 18, 2012

What are you unhappy with regarding his current level of knowledge?

Is he making mistakes / hurting you because of his lack of knowledge?

He may be reaching an information overload point and needs to learn on his own terms and pace. Depending on your comfort level with how things are progressing, you may want to wait a couple of weeks before bringing anything up. You always have a safe word to get out and then say you need some time to yourself. Don't forget all the pressure on him to Dom.

Do you keep a sub journal that he reads? If so, maybe you can drop some hints on things you might want him to do in there.

This is a complex issue, and without knowing more about what you perceive him to be doing wrong, it's hard to give correct advice.

When in doubt, respect Sebastian's most often used piece of advice: Communication is key.

Please flesh this out more with us in the forums before you take any action (or inaction...lol).

sebastian · Aug 18, 2012

Another option would be to find a mentor he can talk with and work under. From your profile name, I' guessing you're in either Los Angeles or near New Orleans. Both cities should have substantial fetish communities where you might find a mentor

ViriumsKeeper · Aug 19, 2012

I sure would like to know more but Iâ€™m going to take a stab at this. There is a new, added dimension to an existing relationship and itâ€™s just going to take communication, patience, and time. I work these things out with my sub during negotiationâ€™s that is her platform to suggest anything that she wants, I then work it into our scenes. Wrong or right for me this is a process that moves forward slowly and sometimes very quickly, rest assured in the fact whatever it is you want will come and when it does the time it took to get there will make it substantially more satisfying.

lasubbie101 · Aug 21, 2012

Thanks everyone for the posts. In response to Roland... No he hasn't ever hurt me but I think my issue is it seems like I am more interested in pursuing this than him. For example if I want to play it seems like I am always the one to instigate, for lack of a better term, our play. Yet, it really turns me off to take this much of a commanding role. He has honestly never began the Au himself unless I indicated I really want to-- and yes I still have an absolute wonderful time but I feel as the Dom this should be his role and not mine. As for the journal, I have not done that but I think that sounds like an awesome idea. He did say to me one time that after so long in a "vanilla" marriage where it seemed like I never wanted sex he is having a hard time adjusting to me wanting to play all the time. And I definetly get that... And here comes the but... It's been almost 6 months, what can I do to make him feel more secure?
Sebastian- despite the name not from those areas (initials for my real name) our area does not have any big groups that i am aware of and I have been looking online alot. I am honestly. It sure how to look though, thanks for the advise. Also I'm not sure how open he would be to that sort of thing because I have brought it up a couple of times
About trying to find others to talk to and he isn't interested. Actually he almost seems
To thin I am looking to talk to some one else instead of him....I have obviously tx hi
Emphatically this is not the case.
So to end on a positive note... I love my husband/Sir so much it hurts and and want to do whatever I can to positively affect our lives in this aspect. So any further advice to this novice is greatly appreciated!
Sebast

Foreverbunny91 · Aug 21, 2012

So, this is just my PERSONAL opinion, but I do NOT feel safe with Doms who do not do their research... I don't want someone tying me up and slapping me around that doesn't know their shit!! Also, it's a huge turn-off. Guys who just try to jump into something like this without doing the proper research come off to me as arrogant and ignorant. I'd rather play with a Dom who's new and is willing to learn than a Dom who's been doing it for years but isn't open to learning new things... Actually, I'd rather play with myself than the latter.

So, bitchy rant aside... MAYBE... you could sit him down and talk to him about it in a hubby/wifey way (out of a D/s context), and tell him that his lack of zest for knowledge makes you feel __________ (unsafe, turned off, uncared for, etc.) Explain to him that after talking to all these fine people on SMplace, you have realized that their is a lot more to BDSM than whips, chains and safewords- there's a whole shit ton of physical and emotional safety guidelines. It's amazing how hurt you can get just from being tied in the wrong position for too long! Or that breath play can give you a heart attack! Or that sub drop can seriously fuck up your day!

I also second the mentor idea... Although, from my preconceived notions about your husband, your husband might not like the idea of someone else telling him how to top... But that's just me being Miss Judgemental Pants. LOL. Good luck!

**EDIT:

Also, I know the feeling of "topping from the bottom," and I've been accused of that myself. But my partner, like your husband, was way less into it than I was... Actually he didn't like it at all. And although I'm probably somehow wrong to say this, if I were to go back and do it all again, I would have just set a pile of BDSM books in front of him and said "Read all of this and take notes or forget having sex with me again- ever." Which, granted, that sounds like a bitchy maneuver, but my sex life was REALLY important to me and still is. Just because I'm a woman and a submissive, doesn't mean that my sexual desires and fantasies are any less important than his... Excuse the dramatics, but I guess I just felt that an empowerment speech was needed. You should NEVER feel powerless unless you WANT TO feel that way.

L8NightQ · Aug 21, 2012

ls1-

I can't tell from what you've said if your Sir doesn't like to read, or he doesn't like to read instructive materials.

It's clear that he loves you, and that represents a problem, especially since this side of you didn't come up when dating (would have been easier then).
My feel is that he is still learning about what it means to really be a Sir to you, and it may still be hard for him to sort out the hurting you vs loving you thing. Even is hurting you isn't involved, it can be hard for some of us (me too) to dominate those we cherish. The real insight and security he needs for this will not come from any book, though the books can help him in understand what you are trying to communicate. The real insight will come from you. If you haven't already, thank him over and over for allowing this thing you've had hidden inside you to come out, and for accepting it. It will make a difference.

In the same vain, don't rush him too much with your enthusiasm, as that can cause some feelings of inadequacy. Egos can be really funny that way.

Anyway.... if he won't read, then you better learn to "be" the book. After all, your goal isn't so much to make him read as it is to make him understand. The more he understands, the more comfortable he'll feel in really being your Sir.
Reading is natural to you, but for him... not so much. You may have to accept it.

You may also want to try reading some books together (both of U) that are not instructional, like "Topping from Below" by Laura Reece, or "The Torquemada Killer" by John Warren.
They're both erotic reading, and they both have quite a bit of usefull stuff to learn in them. There are many erotic reading selections that can prompt discussions where he can learn directly from you and all the stuff you've consumed so far. You can also use it to explore the scenes that really turn him on, allowing him to follow some of his own momentum, instead of chasing yours.

This is just a thought, but if he is not comfortable with his body, try suggesting that he blindfold you to "see what if feels like to be deprived of your senses" and make you feel more helpless, which will make him feel more powerful (again, fueling his own momentum).
Don't worry to much about you initiating. Over time as he develops a genuine sense of ownership, he will initiate, as long as you give him a minute to think about it hiimself. Remember that even the most powerful machines won't work unless you know how to turn them on. After a while, they just stay on, so just give it time.

If he isn't averse to reading in general, you could also try "When Someone You Love is Kinky". It's short and insightful and should help him understand you better.

If you think I'm on the right track, I'll give you some other suggestions that may help you help him. We can do it here, or message me.

Lastly, consider a vacation to a place where you can attend a workshop as one of the activities, or bring the education home with educational videos. Kink.com has Kink University, with several videos that you can enjoy and discuss as you watch together. Then download some of the videos that you really like of real sessions that have examples of what you want to do. The Kink University stuff is hard to find for free but it's not really expensive. The other videos you may be able to find and download from other sources on the web.

Hope this helps.

lasubbie101 · Aug 22, 2012

Thanks again everyone. Your suggestions have given me some reassurance. L8niteq-he just really dislike any type of reading but he is willing to listen to audio files or books -thank you Siri on his new iPhone- but I may be pushing him too much. I send him websites to listen to and specific articles but usually he says that I push it too much. I try to limit me saying anything about it at all to less then once a week. But the kink university may be fun too. I did take Sebastian's advise and wrote in a journal and I did send it to him (he was out of town for work) and wrote some ideas for punishment and rewards that I like and some small things that really turn me on for him to try if he feels like it and he did say he would try to make me happy so I felt like that was a step in the right direction. It seems to me that the general consensus is to give him time and I will try my best not to push him and let him go at his own pace! Thanks everyone!!!

sebastian · Aug 23, 2012

It's important to realize that being a dom is more work than being a sub. It takes a wider skill set to torture someone erotically than to be tortured (although there is some skill there as well). So if your husband wants to explore the deeper areas of BDSM (esp. bondage and pain play), he's just going to have to do some studying and practice. That might involve book work, it might involve classes, it might involve mentors. But he's got to do at least one of those. He owes it to you (for safety reasons) and himself (for self-esteem reasons) to do it. He can do it as fast or slow as he likes, but he needs to do it.

Is he domming just to please you? Or is he domming because he feels a genuine sense of dominance? If it's the former, don't push him too hard on this. He'll get frustrated or irritated eventually because he'll start to feel like he's not good enough to satisfy you. If he feels a sense of dominance, however undeveloped, studying will help that blossom, and he may find it deeply satisfying once he starts to master some of the skills involved.

How to get Dom to read/research? (lasubbie)

lasubbie101

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Roland

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sebastian

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ViriumsKeeper

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lasubbie101

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Foreverbunny91

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L8NightQ

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sebastian

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