How to find a owner

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Wayneman, May 14, 2014.

  1. Wayneman

    Wayneman Guest

    I have been looking for awhile but I have had difficulty finding a domme that wants a 24/7 tpe life time slave. Do you know of a good way to find one?
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    This is going to be a long one. Before I even begin, let me point out that there is no cheat code to magically get yourself a partner, let alone a domme with whom you will be mutually happy with forever.

    First off: You seem (from the little I've seen of you) to not be meshing the fact that your fantasy is also a lifetime partnership. You wouldn't look for a spouse by saying 'I'm looking for someone to move in with and combine finances with and then marry so we can be together forever.' No, you would tell them what you're looking for in a partner, what you bring to a relationship, and the fact that you are hoping to find someone you can eventually marry.

    And still before bringing up how-tos, that "eventually" is important. You should not ever just jump into 24/7. It is dangerous for both you and your partner, and it leaves very little possibility for a healthy kink driven relationship.

    All the stuff about communicating with people and posting personals here (under 'Using the Personals Forum') applies, even if you are looking on other websites. As well as that, please read the FAQ. While you're at it, you should also read the responses to your post here, to get an idea what is wrong dangerous with overzealous, inexperienced people. I would like to assume that since it has been nearly a year, you have learned since then, but on the other hand, you never did reply to my PM or to the thread after that, so I don't know if you did.

    Alright then, on to how to find someone. I really think you need to consider what you are looking for.

    If you are looking for a relationship wherein you are only a play partner and 'slave,' you probably should not be looking into 24/7, because it would be a burden to both you and your Mistress to have you living together, sharing groceries, possibly not working, just to fulfill a kink of yours.

    If you are primarily looking for a relationship where you can share a BDSM dynamic, learn about different kinds of play and submission, and bond with someone, you still shouldn't be starting off with 24/7, and you should probably not be trying to be a complete slave until you've learned more.

    If you're looking for a relationship to last the rest of your life, for better or worse, but kink is important to you, you should probably focus more on finding someone who complements your life well (in every way outside of kink as well as kink), then focus on figuring out what BDSM dynamic works between you.

    Based on your personal and your post here, it sounds like you want to go straight into 24/7. While I again will reiterate that this is a dangerous, bad idea (and not in a fun, risky, kinky way), you must also realize that this means you are asking someone to devote most of their time to you, a complete stranger, who just walked up and asked to be their slave. There are very few reasons anyone would accept that offer, and the reasons one would are almost certainly abusive. This is where I will again suggest you read the FAQ.

    Basically, I'm saying you need to re-think what you want.

    As to the answer to your specific question- there is no one way to find a partner, for any of those things.

    Collarme, Fetlife (in personals groups), OkCupid, local events/munches (find through google, Fetlife, and local clubs), and at vanilla activities you enjoy are all good places to look for someone.

    Again, what will apply most depends what you're looking for: kink to get your rocks off? OkC, CM, and maybe Fet. Kink to learn? Fet, CM, and munches. A 'forever' relationship with kink? Munches, activities, and maybe the websites. Whatever the case, there's no problem with using all of those, or with only picking some, although if you ever complain about not having luck, you'd better be using them all.

    Once you meet a domme you're interested in, you'll have to prove yourself a bit, as you would beginning any relationship, but especially a power exchange one. Although she may do it in a less obvious way, the domme you speak to should also be 'proving' herself as far as what she brings to a relationship.

    On your end- Why should she want you as a sub? That shouldn't be a list of all the things you want, it should be your skills and personality and so forth, otherwise you come across as a 'do me!' sub (that is, a sub topping from the bottom who just wants a dom/me to do what it wants so they can get off, not to actually be pleasing).

    Of course, your wants and needs are just as important as your domme's- you just shouldn't act as though your needs are why she should be interested. Most people do not want to date someone only to fulfill their needs, and if they are dominant, the probability of disinterest in that will multiply.

    If you're looking for something long term, take your time. No one finds a life partner in a day. Even if you're looking for something short term or casual, take your time and don't rush the other party. Whatever happens, remember SSC/RACK/PRICK, remember what 'consent' means, and how it applies to both you and your domme, and that you and her both always have the right to end the relationship, or even end the communication preceding a relationship, and that if she makes that choice, you need to act like an adult and move on, and if you make that choice, you can block her and take any precautions for your safety needed if she keeps contacting you (just as she should if you keep bothering her).

    Don't contact someone outright with sexual fantasies.

    Do read their profile before contacting them (if the contact is online), do read and respect their messages, do respect their other partners even if the polyamory means taking your interest and leaving.

    There are many threads on Fetlife and the internet in general about the red flags a msub can give a domme when contacting her; I think you should try to figure those out if you want to increase your success rate (as well as figure out why they are wrong. If you only avoid it for form's sake, they will be able to tell, not to mention that they are all more than impolite).

    These often overlap with abuse red flags: push for quick involvement, push for committment, apparent mood swings, etc, but also tend to include immediate sexual or power exchange fantasy or attempt, addressing her disrespectfully (disrespectful= as anything other than what she has indicated her preference is. If her preference is pigheaded ('Mistress Goddess of the World') and makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't be contacting her anyway, and you should probably take that as a red flag yourself. It has always been a bad sign when mdoms insist everyone else call them Sir/Lord/Master. If she hasn't indicated a preference, just use the name she introduced herself with or her username, whichever fits the situation), overly generic messages that sound like they've been spammed to many women, and subs immediately prostrating them before them.

    And overall, be honest about who you are and what you want. Only do what you are comfortable with, and respect her right to be the same.
    Last edited: May 14, 2014
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I agree with a lot that Smallest has written here. She's a little harsh with you (but you want to be a slave, so harshness shouldn't deter you), but overall, she's right.

    Here's the thing. BDSM relationships, including 24/7 master/slave relationships are still relationships. They have all the issues that normal vanilla relationships have, and then they have the power exchange issues on top of that. So don't think that looking for a mistress is different from looking from a girlfriend. It's not. They're the same thing, only with the added complication that you need to find a woman who wants to own a slave.

    If you were looking for a vanilla wife, you wouldn't go around proposing on the first date. So don't go around asking for a collaring on the first date. If you were vanilla, you'd date women and do the things vanilla guys do when seeking romantic partners--you'd go to meals, movies, fun outings, and so on, and along the way you'd be talking about what you want in life, who you are and advertising the fact that you would eventually like to get married. And you'd be evaluating the women you're meeting to see if they are what you want.

    So approach looking for a mistress the same way. Do all the things Smallest suggests about finding kinky women, and while you're doing them, think about whether this particular kinky woman is one you might want to serve forever.

    After 5 years of searching, I got lucky. I met a submissive guy and I knew on the first date that I wanted to own him. There was a real electricity between us--I felt drawn to him in a powerful way, and he felt drawn to me. He didn't know anything about being submissive, but realized when I was telling him about it that it was what he wanted. So after the first date, we both understand that we wanted to explore power exchange.

    But we didn't just down kinky things together We did all the traditional vanilla things. We went to movies together, met each other's friends, cooked meals together and so on. He makes me laugh, he makes me explain my ideas, he anticipates what I might want and finds ways to realize what I plan to do. I calm down some of his fears, help him make decisions he's not ready to give up to me completely, and I introduce him to friends who will accept him for who he is.

    And the whole time, we've been working on our power exchange. We see ourselves as master and slave, but he hasn't completely submitted to me. We've hit a few speed bumps in this process. We're 24/7, but we're not truly TPE yet. That's something that will take a long time for us to achieve.

    After 6 months, I proposed to him, but only after a lot of discussion and contemplation of whether I really wanted to own and be responsible for him for the rest of my life. And just under a year to the day, we're getting married this Fri.

    I could see a scenario in which we agree to give up our power exchange and live as equals. Neither of us wants that, but I could picture circumstances in which that might be the best solution. I wanted to make sure that I could be happy with him in such a situation. It's the worst case scenario, and I know that if it happens, I can be happy with him, because while he's my slave, he's not just my slave. He's also a life partner I love deeply, more deeply than anyone else I've ever met.

    So here's the short answer. Don't look for a mistress. Look for a woman you can love who also happens to be kinky in the ways you're kinky.
  4. Scatandfart

    Scatandfart New Member

    Very good answer Smallest gave. Its not easy to find someone to just own you directly. I have been searching it a lot on different single sites. The best is to find someone thats very openminded and curious about new things. Asking girls if they like to be in charge and decide things works pretty well for me.

    BDSM / Fetish clubs is also a way to go, but Mistresses are and will ever be fewer than us slaves so its not easy. Best thing, don't look for a mistress.
    Good Luck!

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