how to be a good sub?

Sally · Jul 29, 2011

hi, i need some more help.
i know Seb told in the FAQ that some time the Dom needs time for himself, if somethings happen. he is working whit the catastrophe in Norway, so i get if He is a little gone. but it has been 5 days since the last mail. and a week since we talkt for real.

what bothers me is that the last time we spoke, i told him some things from my past that i'm not proud of.
i have tried not to freak out, i onely sent him to mails, one saying that i get hi's not there and i'm here if he needs me for any thing, and one of some fotos.

but i'm feeling a little freakout is on it's way, i don't want to send him lots of mails. i want him to contact me, i don't want to sound needy and try to take his fokus of his work. but it's getting hard to do anything... like work... or going to the store. becaus i'm so afraid he's not contacting me becaus of what i said. ppl have don that before, many times, just cut me out of their lives.

what can i do...?

HisFox · Jul 29, 2011

Hey, Sally! I am well aware of this kind of situation, I freak out myself when such things happen

In my opinion, what you need to do is just to calm down and try to wait for this reply. Men can get very busy from time to time, but it doesn't mean he doesn't remember about you or wants to break up and such. Just be patient for a while

It's a good idea not to send him lots of mails. As far as I understood he is pretty busy now, but he knows from your recent mail that you ar there for him. So, as soon as he has a chance, I'm sure he will appear again.

Good luck and don't panic

try to distract yourself, do something you like.

Sally · Jul 29, 2011

thank you sooo much!
you just made my day. i'll calm down and do some thing nice.

HisFox · Jul 29, 2011

You are welcome! Keep us updated on what's going on

sebastian · Jul 29, 2011

Sally, I didn't realize this was an online relationship. They play out somewhat differently than an in-person relationship. One of the problems with them is that it's very easy for miscommunication to develop, owing either to a lack of contact (like you are experiencing now) or misunderstanding (since if you're only texting, you can't read his body language or intonation, only his words. And words, believe it or not, are only about 7% of communication).

You're torn between two possible reasons for his silence: he's freaked out by something you told him or he's distracted by what's going on in Norway. If he hasn't communicated, there's no way to know which scenario is true. So my advice is to simply give him the space to get in touch with you. Send him a message saying that you realize he might need time for himself, but that you need a quick message from him to let you know that he's still interested. If he's interested, you'll gladly wait until things settle down, but if he doesn't respond within a week, you'll assume that he's no longer interested and you will move on. Don't be angry or pleading or overly emotionally. Just calmly explain that you are not sure what the situation is and need him to clarify.

I realize that the prospect of moving on is sad and frustrating, especially because you won't know why he's not contacting you. But, speaking from a lot of experience on this point, internet relationships are very unreliable. While there are some deeply genuine people on the internet (like me!) there are lots of people who are either exploring fantasies that they are not yet ready to act on or who are pretending to be someone or something they aren't, often for reasons that are utter inexplicable. There are men and women out there pretending to be people of the opposite sex. There are people out there who are married but claiming to be single. There are straight people out there exploring homosexuality. There are assholes who enjoy getting people emotionally vulnerable and then hurting them. There are people who generally want to be subs/doms but who get scared when things start to become real, so they suddenly turtle down and stop talking.

When you start an online relationship, you need to be prepared for it to fail. I have yet to have one that actually lasted or grew into something physical (although years ago I did have a 3year phone sex relationship with a guy I came to care deeply about, even though we never met). This doesn't mean that they are always fake--there are people who met their life partners online. But it means there are lots of things that can go wrong and lots of ways such a relationship can collapse. So keep searching online (and in real life). But be prepared when you start one of these for it to not last. That doesn't mean don't invest. My philosophy is that I would rather invest and get hurt than not invest and miss out on what I'm seeking. It can be hard to see a treasured relationship suddenly evaporate. But it will happen, unfortunately.

Sally · Jul 29, 2011

hi Seb

well we met online, but we are slowly moving to rl. or he takes it slowely, hehe, one step at a time. testing me a little more for each time. me on the other hand, wants to stay over for a weekend (or week) on the first date, i diden't tell him, but was hoping he would ask. but he is wery strikt on onely 2-5 hours at a time.

he hasent been online for 5 days, so hi isen't going to awnser me any faster if i write more to him. and i'm sceard to, what if he dosen't awser, what if he dos...
hehe, i tried to be angry at x's befor when writing to them for not giving me attention, not going to do that again, lol XD

he has been is this game for much longer than me, and i trust he knows what he is doing. it's the thought of him leaving i'm terrified of. that means i can't trust him, which means i can never get what i want in the play. arg!
some of the play for me is to put my full trust in someone. thow i know the person is going to hurt me (maby it is a part of the kikk) i give us one year or so. i think it's part of the pain i'm inflicting on myself.

is that mad?

Sally · Jul 30, 2011

6 days, i'm eating cheese cake.

i know now, f***, i'm so stupid, telling him stupid things. of course he is going to leave. and like everybody else, with out a word.

need more cheese cake...

HisFox · Jul 30, 2011

Dear Sally, please, be easy on yourself. First, it's not a fact he is going to leave. Second... Even if he does, life goes on, even if it hurts like hell

there are plenty dominants out there, and a lot of suitable for you, I'm sure.

How long have you been in this relationship? For how long it's been just chatring and when have you decided to go for more? Or you started d/s from the beginning?

Sally · Jul 30, 2011

2 months. thats why i think i would be easy for him. we meet on a bdsm forum, so it was play from the beginning.
it is my first time, thats why it's hard. but you'r right, there is more Doms out there. but he is so perfect...

i just sendt him a mail, only telling him i'm a bitt nervous.

HisFox · Jul 30, 2011

I have no intention to ruin your impression about him, but a lot of people seem perfect in the beginning of the relationship, specially if it's online

Try not to send him more mails, imagine he really has no chance to browse them, and when he logs in to check them - there is a flood of mails from you, from sweet ones to angry

Just wait till he pops up

take care

how to be a good sub?

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