how to be a good sub?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Sally, Jul 12, 2011.

  1. Sally

    Sally Member

    i'm wery new to all of this, i have been a sub all my life, but have ever realised what a was seeking.
    i have tryed to make vanille boys into Doms, that dident end wel when you don't know what you really want. and i have had some "Masters", but non of them have really known what thay where doing.
    but now the table has turnd, i found what i was looking for, and now i don't know where i'm soposed to stand. i have fokused so much on how i wanted the guy to be, that i never thought aboute how i should be.
    i know somthings now, and my Dom has learnd me some, but i still feel i have a loooong way to go.

    can anyone help?

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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Have you read the FAQ? That's the place to start.

    The basic thing you need to be a good sub is communication. You need your dom to tell you how he wants you to behave. Some doms like subs who are very servile, while others like them bratty and feisty. Some want subs who follow a rigid protocol at all times, while others are more casual. So your dom needs to explain what he wants from you. If he has't done that, ask him.
  3. Randomguy86

    Randomguy86 Member

    Wow. Sorry to say but that first post was freaking awful to read : (
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  4. Sally

    Sally Member

    did i say something wrong?
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Sally, I'm not sure what Random is referring to. He might be complaining about your grammar and spelling, which is a little rough in places. But we welcome everybody, including the writing-challenged here, so don't be put off.
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  6. Randomguy86

    Randomguy86 Member

    Hey, replied back to your pm Sally. Didn't mean to be rough and I wouldn't usually comment but it just nerked me. lol. Please don't let that deter you from posting though : )
  7. Sally

    Sally Member

    haha, and i thought it was something i said.
    yes i know my grammar and spelling is bad, i learnd myself to read and write english some years ago. but thank you for correcting me, i'll check my spelling better and have a chance to learn better english.

    Seb, i have of course read all of the FAQ for new ppl. and most of it is about how to be a good Dom. i know there has to be some ground rules for subs to.
    you can answer in the FAQ, so it's easier for ppl to find :)

    thanks :D
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  8. seeker

    seeker New Member

    as a dom i am say that my personal opinion is : i am control freak, i will write down the rules.

    there are no rules for "all the subs" yet you can find what your master like without actually asking him. there are a lot of different type of doms that's why it might be rough, try to understand what type for dom your master is and then, reask this forum a full and detailed (no names necessary of course) question. i guess it will be much easier to answer your Q after we understand what your master generally likes.

    good luck :)
  9. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I like the idea of writing down all the rules, actually, it means they're clearly decided upon and can be agreed to and discussed in entirety at once, with them all available. If I were 24/7 TPE, I'd think that was great.

    Agreeing with seeker also, it depends on you and your Dom. And I'm pretty sure you saw Seb's post in the FAQ, but I forgot whether I saw you comment, so if you haven't read, do that.
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  10. Sally

    Sally Member

    sorry for the late answer Seeker, but i did'nt know what to write. since it's my first time, it's hard for me to explane how He is.

    but he wants control, tells me he would like me to hold poses. any desobedient, what so ever, will be punished. i don't know how far He will go, because we have only meet once. but he tels me it's going to be far.

    Smallest, i think thats one of the things i like the most whit BDSM, the rules. we are 24/7, so yes, it wolud be nice to know as much as possible.

    yes i have read it ;)
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2011
  11. Sally

    Sally Member

    hi, i need some more help.
    i know Seb told in the FAQ that some time the Dom needs time for himself, if somethings happen. he is working whit the catastrophe in Norway, so i get if He is a little gone. but it has been 5 days since the last mail. and a week since we talkt for real.

    what bothers me is that the last time we spoke, i told him some things from my past that i'm not proud of.
    i have tried not to freak out, i onely sent him to mails, one saying that i get hi's not there and i'm here if he needs me for any thing, and one of some fotos.

    but i'm feeling a little freakout is on it's way, i don't want to send him lots of mails. i want him to contact me, i don't want to sound needy and try to take his fokus of his work. but it's getting hard to do anything... like work... or going to the store. becaus i'm so afraid he's not contacting me becaus of what i said. ppl have don that before, many times, just cut me out of their lives.

    what can i do...?
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  12. HisFox

    HisFox Member

    Hey, Sally! I am well aware of this kind of situation, I freak out myself when such things happen :D

    In my opinion, what you need to do is just to calm down and try to wait for this reply. Men can get very busy from time to time, but it doesn't mean he doesn't remember about you or wants to break up and such. Just be patient for a while :) It's a good idea not to send him lots of mails. As far as I understood he is pretty busy now, but he knows from your recent mail that you ar there for him. So, as soon as he has a chance, I'm sure he will appear again.

    Good luck and don't panic :) try to distract yourself, do something you like.
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2011
  13. Sally

    Sally Member

    thank you sooo much!
    you just made my day. i'll calm down and do some thing nice.
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  14. HisFox

    HisFox Member

    You are welcome! Keep us updated on what's going on :)
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Sally, I didn't realize this was an online relationship. They play out somewhat differently than an in-person relationship. One of the problems with them is that it's very easy for miscommunication to develop, owing either to a lack of contact (like you are experiencing now) or misunderstanding (since if you're only texting, you can't read his body language or intonation, only his words. And words, believe it or not, are only about 7% of communication).

    You're torn between two possible reasons for his silence: he's freaked out by something you told him or he's distracted by what's going on in Norway. If he hasn't communicated, there's no way to know which scenario is true. So my advice is to simply give him the space to get in touch with you. Send him a message saying that you realize he might need time for himself, but that you need a quick message from him to let you know that he's still interested. If he's interested, you'll gladly wait until things settle down, but if he doesn't respond within a week, you'll assume that he's no longer interested and you will move on. Don't be angry or pleading or overly emotionally. Just calmly explain that you are not sure what the situation is and need him to clarify.

    I realize that the prospect of moving on is sad and frustrating, especially because you won't know why he's not contacting you. But, speaking from a lot of experience on this point, internet relationships are very unreliable. While there are some deeply genuine people on the internet (like me!) there are lots of people who are either exploring fantasies that they are not yet ready to act on or who are pretending to be someone or something they aren't, often for reasons that are utter inexplicable. There are men and women out there pretending to be people of the opposite sex. There are people out there who are married but claiming to be single. There are straight people out there exploring homosexuality. There are assholes who enjoy getting people emotionally vulnerable and then hurting them. There are people who generally want to be subs/doms but who get scared when things start to become real, so they suddenly turtle down and stop talking.

    When you start an online relationship, you need to be prepared for it to fail. I have yet to have one that actually lasted or grew into something physical (although years ago I did have a 3year phone sex relationship with a guy I came to care deeply about, even though we never met). This doesn't mean that they are always fake--there are people who met their life partners online. But it means there are lots of things that can go wrong and lots of ways such a relationship can collapse. So keep searching online (and in real life). But be prepared when you start one of these for it to not last. That doesn't mean don't invest. My philosophy is that I would rather invest and get hurt than not invest and miss out on what I'm seeking. It can be hard to see a treasured relationship suddenly evaporate. But it will happen, unfortunately.

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