how do you work around kids?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by savannah, Jul 18, 2012.

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  1. savannah

    savannah New Member

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    Hi everyone! I'm pretty new to this lifestyle, about 3 months in? I'm a sub, and my husband is the dominant (feels kind of wierd actually writing this out lol). We live in a pretty small apartment (husband's company provides it for us; we moved to Tokyo in February) and so don't have a whole lot of space to play. We also have a four-year old daughter. We both work outside the home (I found a nice teaching job), and my daughter is attending a Japanese preschool.

    My question is, how do you do this with kids? I mean, I didn't plan on this being a25/7 thing, more like bedroom play, but it's kind of bleeding over into our regular daily life. This makes my husband very happy, but makes me slightly uncomfortable because of our daughter. IDK, I was just brought up to be a very strong woman (my mother is a huge feminist) and I just don't want my daughter feeling like she HAS to submit to anyone. Does that make sense? Kids her age learn by example a lot, and much of what they learn sticks with them.

    Sir and I have talked about this, but we have yet to come up with a good solution, I think. So I am here to ask you all you with kids how do YOU do it? Maybe we can glean some good ideas from everyone.

    Thank you for your help!
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    25/7 That's definitely taking things a little too far...

    I don't have kids, so these are just thoughts that occur to me.

    1) Being a strong woman or feminist is not incompatible with being submissive. Being feminist is about thinking that women ought to have the same choices and options that men have. So if you choose to be submissive with your husband, that's your choice and not something that is being imposed on you. It's also being sex-positive and accepting your own desires, which is very empowering. So, when your daughter is finally old enough to talk with you about sex, that's the way to explain your activities to her.
    2) But that won't help you with a 4-year-old. At this point, your goal should probably be keeping her from noticing your activities. With bedroom play, obviously keep the door shut tightly and perhaps locked, and keep the loud noises to a minimum. Arrange a baby sitter occasionally so you two can cut loose.
    3) As far as stuff outside the bedroom, which is what I think you're question is really asking about, there are ways to do it discretely. One trick you might use is to redefine what conventional terms of endearment mean. You might decide that 'sweetie' means 'master' and 'honey' mean 'slave' or 'bitch' or whatever. Thus when you speak to each other she'll hear convention terms but you two will know there's something more being said. Your husband can also make use of polite requests. "Honey, could you please get me a drink?" can definitely be a command. Obviously those aren't as viscerally satisfying as more explicit power exchange, but it's something. Your husband might embrace being a chivalrous dom, because it can be a very polite way of being very controlling. Also, Japanese culture emphasizes male superiority in various ways--wives walk behind husbands, the standard Japanese expression for wife means 'this thing of mine' (or so I've been told). So you could work some of that in on the grounds that you're just fitting into local culture.

    Still that's not a whole lot of advice. Maybe Sparrow will comment on this thread--I know he's got kids and does fairly extensive power exchange with his wife and his slaves.
  3. MrWolfgang

    MrWolfgang Member

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    Wow, that is a great question. When you get it hammered out holla! Me and my wife are still trying to figure it out. We have 3 kids and what we have done so far is just wait (patiently) till we know we are going to have a few hours alone. We dont get to play very often but, when we do its pretty special. Just cause the tension builds up till we get there. We play once or twice a month but, do our regular deal pretty often. We usually will plan a playdate a week or so in advance. Which, by itself kinda helps. It gives me time to come up with a gameplan so, I dont have her sitting there getting bored while Im shootin from the hip or just making shit up as I go along.

    Weve tried to play after the kids are put to bed but, neither one of us could really get into it. "Was that footsteps?!" "Is one waking up?!"......mood killers. We would just rather know we aint gonna be bothered. It makes things much more relaxed. Dont need anyone coming in and asking why mama is tied down to a bench with a bit in her mouth. "Well ya see son....mama got a mouth on her sometimes and she has to be taught some manners..." Not a conversation I want to have. Well....ever.

    Best I can tell you is find a sitter you trust with your kids, get em' outta the house, and plan your playdates. I know planning stuff aint the most exciting thing in the world as compaired to spur of the moment but, kids come first. Just how it goes. Sorry if that aint very helpful but, its all I got.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    LOL! Yeah, that would be awkward. Of course, you could put a lock on the door...
  5. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Just putting it out there that if anyone makes any 'well obviously we're training the kids' comments, they'll get banned. None of the regulars would, but you know trolls. Don't respond if they do post it.
  6. savannah

    savannah New Member

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    Oooops at 25/7 lol.

    That's exactly it. I don't my little one growing up with the misunderstanding she HAS to be that way, and she won't be able to understand that for a couple years yet. :(

    I really like your idea of using slightly different language. That is very helpful. It could be fun coming up with different pet names and phrases together. Like a secret code. :eek: Lucky for me though He doesn't expect a slave around the house. I really don't think I'd be ok with taking it that far. So he still helps out, but when he does ask me to do , he expects it done like NOW. So having some nicer phrases to use when daughter is around would be excellent.

    That seems like such commons sense, why didn't we think of that? haha smh

    We may have to try the babysitter thing once in a while for a more intense thing. For now, we play after she is asleep. That's working well so far, even if I have to be quiet. I'm not naturally a screamer anyways. ;) It's the day to day stuff that really worries me. :confused:
  7. MrWolfgang

    MrWolfgang Member

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    Oh yeah no doubt. Thats the thing about them kids tho. Close and lock the door, ya cant hear em in case something happens or, leave it open and risk being walked in on. Damn if you do and damn if ya dont. Lol. Thats why we dont even try when they are in the house.
  8. slaveboy1930

    slaveboy1930 New Member

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    Great thread. We have three little ones.

    We did put a lock on the door mostly because sometimes as a slave I'm required to sleep tied up or in other compromising situations. If the little ones wake up, they can't just barge in.
  9. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

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    My Master and I don't have children but we temporarily live with his mother...which is worse, we never know when she is actually asleep or if she will get a work call (she works from home, all the time). It is very rough.

    We use the code language when we play during the day. We also decide on Times when we are and are not playing. So during the day he can ask me nicely (command) me to do something and I will do Iu, then other times he is helping out with the house. It's nice because I never feel like I am doing everything by myself, but I still get to submit.

    I would also recommend a butt plug during the day or one of the cordless remote controlled egg that goes in your pussy. Give him the controller, it is very nice to know that he has complete control over your cunt but the sound is completely muffled by your body so your daughter would never hear it.

    You can also establish rules like all meals must be cooked, you make breakfast, make his lunch, And have dinner ready when he gets home. Or if you are all together and you get thirsty there could be a rule that you have to offer him whatever you are getting for yourself before you satisfy your needs. That way you are always thinking of him and putting his needs first.

    He could command that while you are playing, if you play servitude, during the day that you wear an anklet to show that you are owned, to your daughter it's jewelry. He could make you wear your hair a certain way, pick out your clothes for you, have you give him massages, demand that your body be kept a certain and do inspections (clean shaven or trimmed for example). He could inspect each night that you play during the day and punish or reward accordingly.

    Hope I helped a bit

  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Lyalia: I like those. They're subtle and unlikely to catch anyone's attention but effective at maintaining some power exchange.

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    Also depending on schedules, one could plan to take the kid/s to the babysitter and surprise the other with play starting when the other gets home. Babysitter really is the best option. Kids are very unpredictable.
  12. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    We have to wait until the children are all asleep. We have taken a 'go with the flow' attitude to things in that we have to jump at any opportunity to have sex or play whenever we can.

    We generally limit regular sex to the bedroom but we still risk it and fool around downstairs sometimes when the mood takes us but I make sure to turn the lights off and just have the light from the tv and make sure all doors are closed (we have an extra door that leads upstairs so we can hear that open if someone comes down). Any restraints etc are strictly bedroom only. There is NO way we could explain all that away ;)

    There are times when we have that 'Is that footsteps? Is baby crying?' etc but that's just life with kids, I have trained myself to not get distracted by it and my man is pretty good staying with things now even if I have to run off for ten mins to get baby back to sleep or something. It's amazing what determination to get off can do for a guy! ;)
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    One of the things that always shocks my students is when I talk about how privacy in sexual matters is largely a product of the 19th century. Premodern families were much less shy about sex the modern ones are. In the 18th century, peasants generally slept in one large bed, so children probably witnessed their parents having sex numerous times.
  14. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

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    I am apart of several attachment parenting and natural parenting message boards. I see a lot of the parents have family beds. I have seen countless posts on where do you have sex when your kids are in your bed. I am sure some still do have sex with their kids right there, but would never post that on the internet.
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Yes, by modern standards, having sex while your children are in bed with you could probably get you arrested for child abuse or child molestation. I'm not suggesting that it's a good thing at all. I'm just interested in how far we've moved the other direction. We don't want our kids to see it, to hear, or even to know that it's happening. Mom and Dad are supposed to pretend to be sexless beings.
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