Hi.

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kajmir

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Not sure if I mentioned...about a month ago, almost to the day, I had a melt down at work.
Got about 2 hours into my shift and then just went all emo in a BIG assed way, crying, raging, hitting shit, throwing stuff, yup...lost it.

A lot of bad things have happened in the last 10 years, 8 people have died (brother, grandpaarents, aunt, uncle...you get the idea), lost to homes, 2 businesses, had 2 xmas's without food or heat...lost 6 pets for various reasons (death or had to give up being homeless and all), had my mom treat me rather horribly (understatement)...

I have never cried or lost it at any of those losses, I guess it finaly just kind of all caught up with me, also I suffer from clinical depression - actually chemical imbalance.

I knew something was coming, I've been a gamer for like 15 years, every day of my life I have played some game somewhere with intensity, like my fav thing in the world, 1 day 2 months ago I just stopped, no interest. I've been talking with people less and less...Sleeping more and more, struggling more and more to do daily things.

Basically after a nice 1.5 years without it, it's back. I poofed because frankly as silly as it sounds, I actually didn't even have the motivation to open the website. It is silly, I really enjoy it here and a lot of you...but I just couldn''t even find the energy to do it.

So now I'm back on Paxil, after a few weeks of shaking, being high and floating between insomnia and sleeping non stop, I made it here. But I feel freakish being here, I have no sex drive. It's dead thanks to my paxil. Tends to be a side effect for me...
 
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Tumbl3

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Damn. *hugs* I'm sorry Kaj.

Edit: I read this right before I left for work, so I didn't have a chance to post anything more.

I also suffer from depression, and I understand how hard it is. Like sebastian said you just got to take it one day at a time, and I've honestly found the one thing that makes me feel better is actually NOT thinking about everything is horrible in the world. Honestly, dwelling/brooding on something that you can't really change doesn't make anyone feel better, usually worse. Focus on what's important in your life right now.

I hope this helps. If you ever just want to chat pm me and I'll give you my msn address.
 
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Death

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I knew something was coming, I've been a gamer for like 15 years, every day of my life I have played some game somewhere with intensity, like my fav thing in the world, 1 day 2 months ago I just stopped, no interest. I've been talking with people less and less...Sleeping more and more, struggling more and more to do daily things.

Basically after a nice 1.5 years without it, it's back. I poofed because frankly as silly as it sounds, I actually didn't even have the motivation to open the website. It is silly, I really enjoy it here and a lot of you...but I just couldn''t even find the energy to do it.

So now I'm back on Paxil, after a few weeks of shaking, being high and floating between insomnia and sleeping non stop, I made it here. But I feel freakish being here, I have no sex drive. It's dead thanks to my paxil. Tends to be a side effect for me...

Sorry to hear that you aren't doing well. I actually completely understand that part about not even feeling any point to visiting a particular forum you use to go to. I am really trying my best to get through what my ex did to my mind after being unfaithful to me, but even despite that we never even met, it isn't easy. I am still trying to pick up all the pieces. It's not that I miss her or anything, especially as she lied about so many things that I wouldn't even know what to miss about her, but I just feel nothing... at least this weekend. It's difficult to imagine that things are going to change, and I feel that I am heading in that direction, as well... wanting to do nothing. Finding no point in doing anything. Finding that you just as well might sit and stare into the floor for hours. Not quite there, yet, but I'm getting there. :/ However, I've already lived my life for many years, now, not having pretty much any interest to do the things I "like", such as playing videogames, reading mangas or watching anime. Not even listening to trance music is something I feel much like doing. My interest in these things started coming back when I met my ex, and my ex before that, but I'm back where I was before, again, now. It's just so uninteresting. All of it. Even if I laugh if I read a nice manga... it's still just not actually interesting or memorable. Like when I was my worst some years ago, I feel like I may end up sleeping as much as I possibly can, again... I don't know. I shouldn't start doing that, but that seems like the most interesting thing there is for me to do, right now. A shame with all the nightmares, though, but those years back, I found that I got used to them. They got worse and worse in all sorts of manners, but eventually I just didn't react to it.

I don't believe in anti-depressants. All SSRI's (such as Paxil) kill your sex drive, and also tend to make you go fat. Other "meds" fuck you up for life by giving you neurological damage that may make your face twitch for life or whatever else they may fuck up with you. Others make males produce breast milk and females go sterile. A dark, dark world out there in the psychiatry business and people with mental problems are used as tools for income for these scum of the Earth.

...Heh, yes, I am in a rather dark mood, right now. So little to be happy about. Players, rapists, "sexual abusers" (rapists), everywhere. People who see nothing of other kinds of darkness of the world and end up indirectly helping it to become even worse. Airport nude scans becoming standard and people get used to it. Threat of terrorism used to surveil people more and more, eventually even causing the outlawing of encryption (on the way in the US). Cameras in more and more electronics, making you far more vulnerable to end up on a photo you didn't want to be taken, and maybe the camera even ends up being used by someone else to take photos by remote command after you got a virus on your computer or your mobile. Maybe a photo of you or your partner, naked, due to remote use of your webcam or mobile. It's a sick, sick world out there. :/ It makes me feel ill thinking about it all.

I hope I didn't depress you more by writing this.... but at least there is someone here who understand how difficult it can be to merely write a short post. You may not have the same concerns with the world that I have, but the results in your mood are similar.
 
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kajmir

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It has to get better, I'm pretty sure I need to go to the doctor again, this paxil thing isn't working. Yesterday was ok but today, it's been so hard just to get threw the day...it took me over 14 hours to get to my dishes, now I know a lot of you are thinking well who the hell rushes for them, but I'm not one to leave my dishes, I do them generally twice a day.

I actually considered not taking my dogs to the bathroom, seemed like too much work. After 30 minutes, it helpfully occured to me that they'd not only be upset but I'd have more work if I didn't.

Hell, I actually had to consider for 20 minutes if I was willing to get up and go to the bathroom for me. I mean everything is such a friggin struggle today.

It's not the big things that are hard for me, I'm not dwelling on the bad shit, I am harshly struggling just to do normal fucking things like, make myself something to eat. I have no energy but saying that seems like such a bloody understatment.

Even this reply was tiring and I really mean that...

I think my paxil dose is too low, I have a day here and there that is 'ok' but too many of my days are more like this.

@tumbl3 - depression isn't new for me, had 8 years of it so far...but I apperciate the offer. I use yahoo at this time, problem is as horrible as this sounds, I can barely get the engergy to talk, I've pretty much shut down. I have said more in forum today then I have in the last week. I've stopped talking to everyone but my master who is not making any demands, we are just in friend mode right now. Even he is a stuggle to find the energy to talk to, which is a horrible thing to say cause I am actually in love with him - beyond the Master/pet relationship. I'd like to add you but not so much to vent as to maybe make friends when I'm better or atleast having a better day.

I talk to De as well on skype, did it faithfully and I hope he reads this so he understands I'm not mad or uninterested, I just can't find the motivate to even type a few words. I just had a decent nap, prolly the only reason I even got this post done and frankly I'm going back to bed once I hit "post quick reply"...
 
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