1. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Anyone missed me?

    Lots of erm.. 'new faces'..

    It's been a Shitty month.
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Where have you been?
  3. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Yeah! You suddenly dropped of the face of the...forum (lol).
  4. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Nice to see you back Kaj
  5. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Not sure if I mentioned...about a month ago, almost to the day, I had a melt down at work.
    Got about 2 hours into my shift and then just went all emo in a BIG assed way, crying, raging, hitting shit, throwing stuff, yup...lost it.

    A lot of bad things have happened in the last 10 years, 8 people have died (brother, grandpaarents, aunt, uncle...you get the idea), lost to homes, 2 businesses, had 2 xmas's without food or heat...lost 6 pets for various reasons (death or had to give up being homeless and all), had my mom treat me rather horribly (understatement)...

    I have never cried or lost it at any of those losses, I guess it finaly just kind of all caught up with me, also I suffer from clinical depression - actually chemical imbalance.

    I knew something was coming, I've been a gamer for like 15 years, every day of my life I have played some game somewhere with intensity, like my fav thing in the world, 1 day 2 months ago I just stopped, no interest. I've been talking with people less and less...Sleeping more and more, struggling more and more to do daily things.

    Basically after a nice 1.5 years without it, it's back. I poofed because frankly as silly as it sounds, I actually didn't even have the motivation to open the website. It is silly, I really enjoy it here and a lot of you...but I just couldn''t even find the energy to do it.

    So now I'm back on Paxil, after a few weeks of shaking, being high and floating between insomnia and sleeping non stop, I made it here. But I feel freakish being here, I have no sex drive. It's dead thanks to my paxil. Tends to be a side effect for me...
  6. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Damn. *hugs* I'm sorry Kaj.

    Edit: I read this right before I left for work, so I didn't have a chance to post anything more.

    I also suffer from depression, and I understand how hard it is. Like sebastian said you just got to take it one day at a time, and I've honestly found the one thing that makes me feel better is actually NOT thinking about everything is horrible in the world. Honestly, dwelling/brooding on something that you can't really change doesn't make anyone feel better, usually worse. Focus on what's important in your life right now.

    I hope this helps. If you ever just want to chat pm me and I'll give you my msn address.
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2010
  7. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member


    that doesnt sound so good
  8. Death

    Death Member

    Sorry to hear that you aren't doing well. I actually completely understand that part about not even feeling any point to visiting a particular forum you use to go to. I am really trying my best to get through what my ex did to my mind after being unfaithful to me, but even despite that we never even met, it isn't easy. I am still trying to pick up all the pieces. It's not that I miss her or anything, especially as she lied about so many things that I wouldn't even know what to miss about her, but I just feel nothing... at least this weekend. It's difficult to imagine that things are going to change, and I feel that I am heading in that direction, as well... wanting to do nothing. Finding no point in doing anything. Finding that you just as well might sit and stare into the floor for hours. Not quite there, yet, but I'm getting there. :/ However, I've already lived my life for many years, now, not having pretty much any interest to do the things I "like", such as playing videogames, reading mangas or watching anime. Not even listening to trance music is something I feel much like doing. My interest in these things started coming back when I met my ex, and my ex before that, but I'm back where I was before, again, now. It's just so uninteresting. All of it. Even if I laugh if I read a nice manga... it's still just not actually interesting or memorable. Like when I was my worst some years ago, I feel like I may end up sleeping as much as I possibly can, again... I don't know. I shouldn't start doing that, but that seems like the most interesting thing there is for me to do, right now. A shame with all the nightmares, though, but those years back, I found that I got used to them. They got worse and worse in all sorts of manners, but eventually I just didn't react to it.

    I don't believe in anti-depressants. All SSRI's (such as Paxil) kill your sex drive, and also tend to make you go fat. Other "meds" fuck you up for life by giving you neurological damage that may make your face twitch for life or whatever else they may fuck up with you. Others make males produce breast milk and females go sterile. A dark, dark world out there in the psychiatry business and people with mental problems are used as tools for income for these scum of the Earth.

    ...Heh, yes, I am in a rather dark mood, right now. So little to be happy about. Players, rapists, "sexual abusers" (rapists), everywhere. People who see nothing of other kinds of darkness of the world and end up indirectly helping it to become even worse. Airport nude scans becoming standard and people get used to it. Threat of terrorism used to surveil people more and more, eventually even causing the outlawing of encryption (on the way in the US). Cameras in more and more electronics, making you far more vulnerable to end up on a photo you didn't want to be taken, and maybe the camera even ends up being used by someone else to take photos by remote command after you got a virus on your computer or your mobile. Maybe a photo of you or your partner, naked, due to remote use of your webcam or mobile. It's a sick, sick world out there. :/ It makes me feel ill thinking about it all.

    I hope I didn't depress you more by writing this.... but at least there is someone here who understand how difficult it can be to merely write a short post. You may not have the same concerns with the world that I have, but the results in your mood are similar.
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2010
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Hi, Kaj. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately. You're certainly not the only one on the forum who's going through rough times. So we're here for you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually things get easier. I guarantee it.
  10. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    It has to get better, I'm pretty sure I need to go to the doctor again, this paxil thing isn't working. Yesterday was ok but today, it's been so hard just to get threw the day...it took me over 14 hours to get to my dishes, now I know a lot of you are thinking well who the hell rushes for them, but I'm not one to leave my dishes, I do them generally twice a day.

    I actually considered not taking my dogs to the bathroom, seemed like too much work. After 30 minutes, it helpfully occured to me that they'd not only be upset but I'd have more work if I didn't.

    Hell, I actually had to consider for 20 minutes if I was willing to get up and go to the bathroom for me. I mean everything is such a friggin struggle today.

    It's not the big things that are hard for me, I'm not dwelling on the bad shit, I am harshly struggling just to do normal fucking things like, make myself something to eat. I have no energy but saying that seems like such a bloody understatment.

    Even this reply was tiring and I really mean that...

    I think my paxil dose is too low, I have a day here and there that is 'ok' but too many of my days are more like this.

    @tumbl3 - depression isn't new for me, had 8 years of it so far...but I apperciate the offer. I use yahoo at this time, problem is as horrible as this sounds, I can barely get the engergy to talk, I've pretty much shut down. I have said more in forum today then I have in the last week. I've stopped talking to everyone but my master who is not making any demands, we are just in friend mode right now. Even he is a stuggle to find the energy to talk to, which is a horrible thing to say cause I am actually in love with him - beyond the Master/pet relationship. I'd like to add you but not so much to vent as to maybe make friends when I'm better or atleast having a better day.

    I talk to De as well on skype, did it faithfully and I hope he reads this so he understands I'm not mad or uninterested, I just can't find the motivate to even type a few words. I just had a decent nap, prolly the only reason I even got this post done and frankly I'm going back to bed once I hit "post quick reply"...
  11. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    ^^ I'd like to make friends too. Have you tried lexapro or maybe another anti-depressant? Maybe Paxil just isn't right for your body chemistry.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Kaj, Tumble's right. If Paxil isn't giving you any relief, talk to your doctor about trying a different med. Most meds will start to kick in after about 2 weeks, although sometimes the dosage may need to be modified.

    Also I strongly recommend exercise. Find some sort of exercise you can do for 30 minutes at least every other day; do more if you can. Vigorous walking (although even leisurely walking can help a little), biking, jogging, swimming, rollerblading, sports like softball or volleyball, lifting weights, aerobics, even fast dancing (like swing) can all work. There are several reasons why exercise is good for depression. 1) It gets you out of your house; it's a little harder to brood in a less familiar location. 2) The weight loss and muscle toning help you feel better and more confident about your appearance and health issues. 3) Exercising outdoors exposes you to nature, which studies have shown can improve mood dramatically (people who live in cities with lots of trees are less likely to be depressed than those in cities with few trees). 4) Team activities help distract and socialize you; if you're competitive they will bring out that side of you. 5) The physical effort of exertion required for weight lifting, hard biking, and so on require concentration that distracts you from your negative thoughts; simply breaking your thought-cycle can provide substantial relief, even if it's short term. 6) The release of endorphins in your body combats the various chemicals that negatively affect your thought patterns. 7) Some exercise is simply fun to do.

    So figure out some way to force yourself to get regular exercise. After you've started doing it regularly, you _will_ see some improvement in your mood. It may not be enough to substitute for medicaion, but it will make things easier.
  13. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Hey Kaj -

    I agree with Tumb3 on the switch from Paxil. I've seen the effects of both and Lexapro has a very different effect.
    Without exercise though, or some serious stimulation, the pill just has to much work to do. Don't know if it's too cold up there, but try a longer walk with the dog in the morning, and after work.
    Seb is right. Doing it will make you feel better, even though you don't feel like doing it. Guess it's one of those leaps of faith.
    When I get depressed, the last thing I want to do is work out, but once I do, I seem to get the energy to do it again.
    It's the only thing that has kept me off of medication.

    We miss you. Hope you feel better.
  14. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I know all about side effects, 8 years remember? heh.
    I've tried many and yeah I plan to find energy and speak to my doc again. It's a balance of dose and the right med...know all about it. Not too seem snotty, just I kinda know this already.

    As for exercise I walk to and from work daily as I have no choice, I also do a lot of cleaning, part of my job and i already walk my dogs. Those of you who do it often and right now it's a work out all by it's self 2 hours a day every day. I've tried exercising in the past, did little for me.

    However it's also been brought to my attention that my iron could be damn low. It's also a strong possiblity with my history and such that I might have hyper-thyroid or w/e the hell you call it. So gonna get the doc to check that, it's been several years since anyone has. And it explains alot of how I feel right now.

    Then again the really short version could be that it's because I have the bloody flu. Saturday honestly wasn't so bad..nor a few days last week. Yesterday was a friggin killer. Today isn't too shit hot either. But I'm having chills and sweats, puking, other unpleasant toilet like things, bad headahe, achy...you get the point.

    I'm not a hypercondratic (sp?) but with flu, period and IBS it could be that I just feel like shit because I feel like shit. So I dunno. Doubt a doc could even figure it out at this point with all 3 things bugging me at once. I'll wait till the flu and period bugger off then go in. Makes more sense then her trying to guess which thig is causing what.

    On a side note: I'd written the name of the med you guys mentioned, I'll ask about it. Sex isn't everything but on the other hand I'd like to be a bit more e and that's having a sex drive of some sort.

    I hope I didn't seem rude or ungreatful...
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2010
  15. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Ah, gotcha. Yeah you don't seem rude/ungrateful at all. You feel like crap and you've been doing this for years (unfortunately).
    I like lexapro, honestly. It's an anti-anxiety/depression (mostly depression) and it hasn't killed my sex drive at all. No weight gain, it makes you a bit tired, but compared to some other symptoms it could be a lot worse.
    I hope you feel better, please keep us posted. *hugs*

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