Help with appearence?

L8NightQ

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I'm 18, I'm young, I'm pretty fit, I'm almost constantly horny, and I love being a switch. I can dom or sub, but prefer the latter. I have a problem though, apparently being of legal age does no equate to getting a dom or getting a sub to want to submit or dom you, or even out of the BDSM world, does it not get you sex. If anything since my becoming legal age, all the people I'd flirt (under another name of course and who thought I was 18 to begin with) won't talk to me. I know this is mostly just teen angst that is driving my feeling of "not being up to par" with what people want, and the fact that I'm a fixer person doesn't help either, I want people to be pleased and happy, even when I'm dominating. I just really don't see anyway of finding what I want or need right now, maybe I'm just an impatient lil bistage. I'm on a couple "sex-sites" that I try to at the very least get laid on, with no luck, only rude people who are anywhere between 10 and 30 years older than me, who don't respond and who don't treat you with any kindling of respect.

I'm in college, I'm not the smartest person, but I know I'm a little above average on the scale of what I know and what others don't. I'm not just looking to get laid, I'd like some friends that I can confide in with my sexual deviancy and stop feeling like I'm hiding shit all the time. I do have a girlfriend who is my pet(Not in a lifestyle way, just kinky sex way) but knows I desire either a full time Domme or Full time Sub (or both) and she kinda wants a full time Domme, we just love each other too much to try and make our S/M relationship a full time thing. I have roughly 5years experience in the BDSM world on a virtual level, so I'm not entirely clueless, I know the meaning of Sub->Domme respect levels as well as some other quirks that, sadly, I cannot post right now for I have close soon.

I want a guide, preferably someone I can meet in person, that will teach me as well as let me open up about things on my mind. I would also like some sort of sensual if not sexual bond with them. I know that's a bit to ask being as no one knows who the hell this lad is, but that can change within an hour's time of them talking to me.

erie - could you respond to this guy. I think you're the only one who can.
 
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sebastian

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Ok, Erie, sifting through your posts and trying to impose some sort of organization on them, I've figured out the following things.

1) You're a very horny 18 year old. You get horny at the drop of a hat and you jack off several times a day. You have a lot of sex with your girlfriend in your open relationship.
2) You've done a lot of fake s/m chatting since you were 13. You're good at pretending to be someone else, and you're so good at it that you're an aspiring bdsm novelist.
3) Your real bdsm experience is very limited. You've played around a bit with your girl and dabbled in bisexuality.
4) Because of 3, you're looking for someone who can help you get some real time experience, either as a dom or a sub. You love your girlfriend, but don't think she's real sub material (or you don't think she wants 24/7, and you're thinking about 24/7).

Do I have this right? Assuming I do, let me offer a few comments.
A) You're sending very mixed signals about how trustworthy you are. You say that for the past 5 years, you've been doing fake sm chatting and pretending to be both male and female and that you're really good at making up stuff, but you also want someone that you can be totally honest with about what you're feeling. As you say, no one knows who you are but you could change that with a long chat. You admit you're a novice, but you also seem to want us to be impressed with how experienced you are at fake chat sex, how frequently you masturbate, and how much sex you're getting. You say that you're very mature for your age, but you produce these very rambling, disorganized posts and say you're just venting, and you admit that you've lied a lot about who you are.

Perhaps you don't realize it, but these things are directly contradictory. In the online universe, you can make up all sorts of stuff about yourself including your sex, your level of experience, whether you're dom or sub and so on. You can also use the anonymity of the internet to be completely honest and vulnerable, explore emotional issues that you're trying to come to terms with, and find a community that will help you grow into a mature self-fulfilled adult. But you can't do both at the same time. BDSM requires a great deal of honesty and trust, and you can't build those things if you're pretending to be someone you're not. Perhaps what you're really doing here is looking for a community that will help you move from being someone who does fake bdsm chat to being someone who is honestly trying to understand his sexuality.

B) Again, perhaps you don't realize it, but your posts come across as someone who's trying to impress us with how sexual he is. That's understandable--everyone your age wants to appear confident, sophisticated, and experienced. But we here at SMplace aren't easily impressed by bragging. We've all read writings by people who are really experienced (so it's not novel), and some of here are fairly experienced ourselves. You jack off several times a day--great, but so do I. You fuck anything that moves that interests you--great, but so do I when I'm in that mood (usually I'm pickier, but I wouldn't have been at your age). What impresses us more than tales of sexual conquest is being honest about what you're trying to figure out, asking questions that show that you've done some reading and thinking, offering whatever insights you have about about your experiences and problems and about the nature of bdsm, and being supportive and encouraging to others.

Reading your posts, I see someone who is genuinely trying to figure things out and be honest about what he needs and wants, but it's mixed in with a lot of apparent boasting that makes it hard to understand what you're saying and hard to trust you. Perhaps I'm misreading your posts and not getting what you're trying to say, but this is certainly the impression I'm getting.

C) The internet is filled with people who pretend to be amazing subs and doms, but until you've actually done it, and done a fair amount of it, you don't know what bdsm really is. You might think you know what pain is like, but until you've been tied down and flogged to your pain threshold, you can't understand that experience and the trust that it can elicit. Similarly, until you've really tortured someone and been forced to look at the part of you that is aroused by hurting people, you can't know what that's like and how frightening it can be. Pretending to be a submissive girl online isn't bdsm; it's adolescent role-playing. There's nothing wrong with adolescent role-playing; a critical part of building our adult identity is trying on different roles and figuring out which ones work and which don't, and which ones we like.

But don't assume that you understand bdsm yet. It's not what you think it is. You've seen the tip of the iceberg, but there's a whole vast submerged world of feelings, sensations, fears, dark desires, bonding, pleasure, and love down there. The mentor you're looking for, and will hopefully find, will help you take the next steps on the path to exploring that iceberg. But that experience isn't going to be like whatever fantasies you've conjured up in your novel. It's going to be different, it's going to be real, and it's going to be way better.
 
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AnErieGuy

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Ok, Erie, sifting through your posts and trying to impose some sort of organization on them, I've figured out the following things.

1) You're a very horny 18 year old. You get horny at the drop of a hat and you jack off several times a day. You have a lot of sex with your girlfriend in your open relationship.
2) You've done a lot of fake s/m chatting since you were 13. You're good at pretending to be someone else, and you're so good at it that you're an aspiring bdsm novelist.
3) Your real bdsm experience is very limited. You've played around a bit with your girl and dabbled in bisexuality.
4) Because of 3, you're looking for someone who can help you get some real time experience, either as a dom or a sub. You love your girlfriend, but don't think she's real sub material (or you don't think she wants 24/7, and you're thinking about 24/7).

Do I have this right? Assuming I do, let me offer a few comments.
A) You're sending very mixed signals about how trustworthy you are. You say that for the past 5 years, you've been doing fake sm chatting and pretending to be both male and female and that you're really good at making up stuff, but you also want someone that you can be totally honest with about what you're feeling. As you say, no one knows who you are but you could change that with a long chat. You admit you're a novice, but you also seem to want us to be impressed with how experienced you are at fake chat sex, how frequently you masturbate, and how much sex you're getting. You say that you're very mature for your age, but you produce these very rambling, disorganized posts and say you're just venting, and you admit that you've lied a lot about who you are.

Perhaps you don't realize it, but these things are directly contradictory. In the online universe, you can make up all sorts of stuff about yourself including your sex, your level of experience, whether you're dom or sub and so on. You can also use the anonymity of the internet to be completely honest and vulnerable, explore emotional issues that you're trying to come to terms with, and find a community that will help you grow into a mature self-fulfilled adult. But you can't do both at the same time. BDSM requires a great deal of honesty and trust, and you can't build those things if you're pretending to be someone you're not. Perhaps what you're really doing here is looking for a community that will help you move from being someone who does fake bdsm chat to being someone who is honestly trying to understand his sexuality.

B) Again, perhaps you don't realize it, but your posts come across as someone who's trying to impress us with how sexual he is. That's understandable--everyone your age wants to appear confident, sophisticated, and experienced. But we here at SMplace aren't easily impressed by bragging. We've all read writings by people who are really experienced (so it's not novel), and some of here are fairly experienced ourselves. You jack off several times a day--great, but so do I. You fuck anything that moves that interests you--great, but so do I when I'm in that mood (usually I'm pickier, but I wouldn't have been at your age). What impresses us more than tales of sexual conquest is being honest about what you're trying to figure out, asking questions that show that you've done some reading and thinking, offering whatever insights you have about about your experiences and problems and about the nature of bdsm, and being supportive and encouraging to others.

Reading your posts, I see someone who is genuinely trying to figure things out and be honest about what he needs and wants, but it's mixed in with a lot of apparent boasting that makes it hard to understand what you're saying and hard to trust you. Perhaps I'm misreading your posts and not getting what you're trying to say, but this is certainly the impression I'm getting.

C) The internet is filled with people who pretend to be amazing subs and doms, but until you've actually done it, and done a fair amount of it, you don't know what bdsm really is. You might think you know what pain is like, but until you've been tied down and flogged to your pain threshold, you can't understand that experience and the trust that it can elicit. Similarly, until you've really tortured someone and been forced to look at the part of you that is aroused by hurting people, you can't know what that's like and how frightening it can be. Pretending to be a submissive girl online isn't bdsm; it's adolescent role-playing. There's nothing wrong with adolescent role-playing; a critical part of building our adult identity is trying on different roles and figuring out which ones work and which don't, and which ones we like.

But don't assume that you understand bdsm yet. It's not what you think it is. You've seen the tip of the iceberg, but there's a whole vast submerged world of feelings, sensations, fears, dark desires, bonding, pleasure, and love down there. The mentor you're looking for, and will hopefully find, will help you take the next steps on the path to exploring that iceberg. But that experience isn't going to be like whatever fantasies you've conjured up in your novel. It's going to be different, it's going to be real, and it's going to be way better.

*claps!*

Been at my sis's wedding all weekend, and got some action (finally!) after a month of celebacy lol. Anyways, totally off topic.

I can see where you're coming from Seb. I won't say I'm not bragging, but to some extent those answers WERE provoked(I hope) by questions and/or statements pre-their posting. I want to impress becuase I feel under valued and unappreciated, or have felt this way, when in high school, and out of high school, but slowly feel people don't treat you like shit every day of the week once you get into a more sophisticated, I'm guessing.

I'm trying to convey how sexual I am for a few reasons. One, I'm asked about, or assumed about in which I wish to destroy misconceptions, my sexual life. Two, I wish to appeal in a sexual nature, though this is misconstrude because BDSM has always been seen as a sexual thing to me, not something of a lifestyle as much as the idea appeals to me. Three, I like talking about sex, in and of itself, is arousing to me, not so much when I do it, when others do it, but someone has to initiate the talk of it I guess.

I do want a mentor of sorts and want to know ya'lls thoughts. I have beena bit esocentric in all my posts, and ask that an apology be accepted by all. :) I'm not here to tell my life to the world and get scrutiny, critisizm, and advice that is purely surface point. I'm here to learn and wish to do so in all posts from here on, you're right, I'm immature in some areas and won't say I'm not, but I believe I've proven myself mature in other areas that I hope puts some sort of good glow about me.

Some more... basic stuff about me. I'm obviously a sexual person but how did this influence my open relationship? I feel it has to do with my faith, or lack there of. I don't feel a connection with any sort of to a religious faith. I believe in philisophical morals that come WITH religion, but not the belief that it will guide my way through life. In doing so, I don't believe in the idea of monogamy, I think love is fickle, also, in the sense that it cannot be singularly given. I do love my girlfriend more than a friend who I have sex with or the next average joe/julie I screw round with, but to some extent I want to be sensaul, personal, and loving to them when it cames to the vanilla stuff. With my girlfriend, I've taken a more pain related domination persona when I feel stressed. I will slap her, spank her, tug her hair, face fuck her, and cause her some pain, while still being safe (though I did hit her head on a door really hard one time which cuased us to stop that session, nothing came of it more than a small headache.) My issue is, I'm not a normally a mean person and have a hard time being physically cruel and not feeling bad about it afterwards: tips?
 
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sebastian

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Erie, as far as guilt is concerned, keep in mind that if your gf is submissive, she enjoys being treated that way, so what you're doing is actually expressing affection for her, not cruelty. So think about it that way. It's tricky, because as doms we don't necessarily enjoy receiving what we like doing, so sometimes we project what we would feel in that situation onto the sub.

As far as the hitting her head goes, accidents do happen in bdsm, but a good dom is always thinking about what might go wrong, especially if the sub is tied up in any way, since falling is quite easy.
 
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