Help with appearence?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by AnErieGuy, Sep 17, 2010.

  1. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    I'm 18, I'm young, I'm pretty fit, I'm almost constantly horny, and I love being a switch. I can dom or sub, but prefer the latter. I have a problem though, apparently being of legal age does no equate to getting a dom or getting a sub to want to submit or dom you, or even out of the BDSM world, does it not get you sex. If anything since my becoming legal age, all the people I'd flirt (under another name of course and who thought I was 18 to begin with) won't talk to me. I know this is mostly just teen angst that is driving my feeling of "not being up to par" with what people want, and the fact that I'm a fixer person doesn't help either, I want people to be pleased and happy, even when I'm dominating. I just really don't see anyway of finding what I want or need right now, maybe I'm just an impatient lil bistage. I'm on a couple "sex-sites" that I try to at the very least get laid on, with no luck, only rude people who are anywhere between 10 and 30 years older than me, who don't respond and who don't treat you with any kindling of respect.

    I'm in college, I'm not the smartest person, but I know I'm a little above average on the scale of what I know and what others don't. I'm not just looking to get laid, I'd like some friends that I can confide in with my sexual deviancy and stop feeling like I'm hiding shit all the time. I do have a girlfriend who is my pet(Not in a lifestyle way, just kinky sex way) but knows I desire either a full time Domme or Full time Sub (or both) and she kinda wants a full time Domme, we just love each other too much to try and make our S/M relationship a full time thing. I have roughly 5years experience in the BDSM world on a virtual level, so I'm not entirely clueless, I know the meaning of Sub->Domme respect levels as well as some other quirks that, sadly, I cannot post right now for I have close soon.

    I want a guide, preferably someone I can meet in person, that will teach me as well as let me open up about things on my mind. I would also like some sort of sensual if not sexual bond with them. I know that's a bit to ask being as no one knows who the hell this lad is, but that can change within an hour's time of them talking to me.
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    So really what you want help with is a persona, not really your "appearance" (ie your picture or your looks)
    Most (and by that I mean pretty much all) sex sites wont even allow you register until you're 18 so I don't really know what you're talking about with the age thing

    Maybe people who are 10-30 dont want to talk to you because you're 10-30 younger than them try talking to people closer to your age. Maybe this only relates to women, but usually being younger than 20 means that practically everyone under the sun us out for a piece of your barely legal ass. Its possible that you're going about this the wrong way

    So what exactly are you looking for? It sounds like you really just want a mentor or an experienced kinkster to help you along in the journey of BDSM. It might easier to try starting with an online person while you search for someone you could meet in person
    (also we're the about the same age so let me tell you that if you ignore all the internet stranger-danger we've spent the last 14 years being shoved down our throats you are truly a fool, good sir)
  3. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    Half this, I shall admit, it a rant that came about in my rush to just put stuff down. The title gets more views and possible peaking interest, where somewhat on topic, it's slightly misleading I won't deny. Appearence, in this case, is to be: "How can I be more appealing to those of my age or older." Some would classify this as a "Self help" search, it is not. Least not to me. I can talk and make friends well, but to have someone to confide in this way takes finding someone who is equally imbude into the social aspect of BDSM, or, knowing someone at least a few months, of which I'll probably not know the same people after the semester.

    To further disuade any misconceptions, I HAVE talked to people my age, they don't respond any better. I ask them the same questions and get nothing any better than people 10-30 years older than me.

    I am looking for a mentor of sorts, yes, preferably someone maybe a couple or few years older than I, just to have a bit more experience to advise by. I'm aware of the sensitive situations that are "Is this person gonna rape/kill me, can I trust them, are they lying, are they a threat." I understand this a bit better than most to be honest. I also understand, that where I might feel threatened, for lack of a better word, about the person across that wire, they will most likely feel the same about me. At some point one of us has to take that step over that boundry, I like to be the one that does that first, and hope they follow.

    I beg the debate, though minor in extent of the debate, where does being a fool begin and the courage of someone tired of being ignored begin? Thank you for your input sillylittlepet, I hope to read more from you. :)
  4. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I had to read that first post far too many times... It kind of went of in several directions.
    I get that you're hard and horny 24/7, it's not overly surprising at your age. My Master is close to your age and my age isn't close to either of you, so I'm not sure that it's an age thing.

    Also, it's good to be brave but maybe you've been pushing hard? Problem is none of us really know you well.. Or am I mistaken? Why not take some time and relax? Rather then being so intent on finding a mentor, subs, domme etc why not for a while. Same with your other sites. It won't fall off tomorrow, it just feels like it. Point is why not let this progress more naturally, usually the harder you look for something, the harder it is to find.

    You do as you mentioned have a gf/pet, you lost me, what did you mean you love each other too much to make it a 24/7 thing? That just kinda jumped out at me. I admit I'm new to this all but it struck e as odd. If she is willing, you are willing and you have a loving relationship, uh where is the problem exactly? Seems to me she'd be a better choice then some stranger.

    Futhermore, rather then jumping in and asking for a dom mentor, why not um...hung out? Ask's not really wrong to ask but it's also a bit intense. Kinda maybe try it from my angle, I have become very active (and irritating) posting in forum so people can get a bit of a feel for me, so that when I DO take over the world I know who is with me or against me...but also it gives you a feel for who some of us are, maybe not in depth but less of a cold call.

    I mean I've learned a lot in a very short time already, but also who would be the one to ask for what at least to a point. Like if I want to be adorable, I go to SLP, if I wanna make someone cry - seb is the guy....mind fuck - L8nightQ AND some Seb (I meant that is a nice way, didn't come out right) Point is you might find what you're looking for without being so in your face.

    My rant for the day....
  5. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    I understand where you're coming from kajmir, I do. I guess I feel outcasted is all, not by anyone here, you have no reason to, no threat, oddity, or otherwise negative reason to feel I should be outcasted, yes, a primal way of seeing things, I know. I've tried the patience thing up until my Sophmore year in High School, of which, I tired of waiting and teasing and trying not to give the "shock effect" to people and be blunt. I finally stopped being subtle and overly kind, and the like that I had been told got girls and once that happened, I had more girls wanting to be with me, socially or in bed. This, again though, is purely vanilla stand point, and is also of the social life back in Texas where I get the feeling people are more outspoken and enjoy those kind of people.

    By my girlfriend and me loving her, I know, it's a contradiction right? Love is fickle when it comes to definition, but in a blunt and to the point way of putting it: I want to rule or submit WITH her, I feel, as does she, that this would be erotic and well as symbiotic to a dominative or submissive couple. I can't see myself in the future (granted I'm 18 and trying to look 10 if not twenty years down the road) being her Master/Domme and still having a girlfriend/Marriage relationship. Granted this could be immaturity on my part, I won't say it's not, I've been apart of this kink and lifestyle for five years on a CYBER basis, not a physical one as I'd wished it to be. Also, I'm at a point where, as stated twice now, where I wanna fuck anything with a pulse higher than 50bpm. I might be speaking from just pure lustful teen desire and sex drive and not an entirely logical, third person, backed off, stand point. This, however, does not change what I desire, what I'm asking, and why I'm asking it, least I don't think it does.

    I'm not trying to JUST jump in like a bullfrog to a swarm of flies, eating up every request like said flies, I'm putting myself out there, asserting myself in a way that in High School I never really did until I met my current girlfriend, and still had problems doing with the general public. I grew up with adults, not kids my age, I knew how to speak to adults of the generation before me, not to the people of my own generation. I became a recluse who kept to himself and his video games and his school work. I never partied, never drank(still don't), never did anything bad, never explored anything beyond cybering with people on the internet, it's just who I was. Now that I've tried integrating myself into the society that is more my age, I'm finding my old habits and newer ones conflicting to the point where I'd dare to venture myself social awkward.

    Looking back at this, I laugh and wonder if I'm expressing far too much, but honestly don't care, for I listen to the same kinda people who have similar issues as myself, give them advice, and don't even take it as advice for myself. There is no shallowness to knowing me, you're gonna get hit with the reality of my existance as a script to my life, to some, that's a turn off, to other's, it's empowering. I'll just keep writing... typing it down and see where it goes. I thank you both for your replies and hope to hear more of your thoughts before the day comes to an end.

    Waiting doth not bringth me my desires of the heart and the loins, but pain in thy stomach and dulness to thy brain, but insane I am not. ^.^
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Why cant you see yourself being in a BDSM relationship with your girlfriend? Is she not interested in any aspects of BDSM? If you're just thinking that it must be hard to respect and love someone and dominate them at the same time, let me be the first to point out how silly that is. If anything, it is much easier (in my opinion) to to enter a D/s relationship with someone you're already dating.
    Its baffling to me that your girlfriend would rather have you find a sexual partner then dominate/submit to her. I'm assuming she's a vanilla girl. Most vanilla people aren't very happy with polygamous actions...
    Are you in a long distance relationship? Is she adverse to having sex? If not, have sex with your fucking girlfriend. Maybe you should masturbate more often! Go to wild parties on your college campus and hook up with slutty girls.

    The nice answer to your question is that you should keep trying to find a mentor and not give up so easily, regardless of how long you've been trying. You make it sound like you've been cybering since you were 13 (which is a little creepy, not gonna lie) so where did all your cybering skills go? Were you honest about your age at the time? Keep putting yourself out there on BDSM personals (,,, I dont know anymore)

    The mean answer is mean, and involves telling you to quit your bitching and keep trying to do whatever it is you're trying to do (I'm not ever sure anymore)
  7. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I need an advil...
  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    My advice was too much for kajmir, maybe you should lie down!!
  9. CodyLeash

    CodyLeash New Member

    I'd suggest trying to explore more with your current girlfriend, helping each other would be your best bet, as you can both see each other an you both want the same thing right?

    Read up on stuff, try new things, once you do that, you'll feel more confident, an probably later on down the road you'll find what you're looking for, an have the confidence to do it.
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Erie, you've tossed out a lot of stuff in your posts, and it's hard for me to figure out exactly what your central concern is. In fact, you might have several that are all running together. So let me just focus on the question of your age. Several points are worth considering.

    1) You're young. I know that 18 year olds never like hearing older people say that, but it's true. It's ok to take your time and learn and grow at whatever rate you go at. People your age have the perception that everyone around them is having a ton of sex and they're the only ones that aren't. But this is not true. I recently read a study about college students that found that the average college guy has 7 partners and the average college girl 5 partners over their college period. For guys, that's a little less than two girlfriends/hook-ups in a year, while for girls, just over 1 a year. So while you are impatient to acquire a lot of sexual experience, most guys your age aren't racking up the conquests either. This is normal. Frustrating, but normal.
    2) Age affects bdsm. Subs want doms with experience. 18 year old guys typically don't have a ton of experience and therefore are limited in their appeal as doms. Few guys in their 20s are really experienced as doms (although some, including some of the doms on this site, are). Many of the skills required for dominance simply take time, practice, and emotional maturity to develop. Experience is less necessary in a sub, but many of the gay doms I know won't play with guys younger than 30 simply because they don't think the boy has enough experience to really know what he's getting into, and they don't want to waste their energy training a guy who might decide he's not into it after all (the theory being, I think, that by 30, most guys know if they're submissive). So your efforts to find a domme might possibly be hampered by your age. I don't know how femdoms operate, so perhaps what I'm saying is less true for them than for male doms. Personally, I tend to think that a lot of guys your age still need to 'cook' for a year or two; they look a little unfinished. (And I teach college, so I see guys you age all the time).
    3) It's also possible that some people who see your ad may think your younger than you're claiming and are avoiding you out of fear that they could get into legal trouble (although chickenhawks might make exactly the opposite calculation, so perhaps that doesn't explain much after all).
    4) Dan Savage recently re-ran a very good piece of advice for young guys. It was directed at a guy in his mid-teens, but it still applies to you. Don't focus so much on why you're not getting laid right now. Most guys your age aren't getting a ton of action. Instead, set your sights on a few years down the road. Work out and develop a body that will get you some attention. Read some books, take some classes, and have some life experiences that will make you an interesting person to talk to so that you can appeal to someone's mind as well as their body (not saying that you aren't an intelligent or interesting person, just that this will definitely help you attract the partners you want). This will eventually pay off; women (and men) will find you attractive on various levels and you'll eventually meet the kinky person you want to pursue something serious with. But it will take time.
    5) Those of us on this site will be glad to offer you the benefit of our experiences and whatever mentoring we can. Depending on whether you want to explore domming or subbing (and you seem a little unsure of which you really want, which is ok), I'm guessing that a number of us might be willing to do some online play with you. Whether we can meet you physically obviously depends on where you are located.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2010
  11. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I apologize ErieGuy for being rude, I have a bit of a problem with offering kind advice

    In all seriousness, I still think exploring with your girlfriend is the best road to take
  12. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    erie - kajmir has some good advice for you. You may have already found the beginnings of the mentoring you are looking for. I think it will be that much more apparent when you start tackling one issue at a time.

    With that in mind, Sebastian is right in addressing who and where you are right now, and in both cases it would be best to slow down and start to take some measured steps.

    Instead of seeking out the master teacher from your own age bracket, seek advice and wisdom from those you can find (including this site, and others). Chances are, you're not gonna find a really good mentor that is anywhere near your age. This is a good forum, and fetlife has pretty good local online groups as well.

    Read up on who and what you want to be. There's information out there in books and on sites that will keep you learning for a very long time, and prepare you for those you encounter in the future.

    This way, maybe you will stop looking for someone who will give you what you need, and eventually find someone you can share all this with.

    There is just one thing missing here - Don't you know that most of the subs around you don't know it yet? (and maybe some dommes too)
    The growth of a sub is different than the growth of a Dom. Many subs are brought out by dominant sex partners, not necessarily Dom/me-s. So take kajmir's advice and go out and be social with all that vanilla population out there and you might very well find the beginnings of the kind of person you want to dominate, or offer yourself to.
    But take one thing with you -
    It's best to treat everyone you meet as a potential buddy, and not as a potential sex partner. If you do this, then either they could wind up being a sex partner, or, as a friend, they can lead you to one.

    Hope this helps.

    Welcome to the forum.
    Please read the beginners FAQ thread at the top.
  13. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    Wow, ok, hope my response can fit here... gonna start from last post and read up toward MY last post.
    If I miss anyhting, tell me please.

    Most of you cannot tell nor would assume this, but I am well informed of the logistics, statistics, and reality that comes with being a human here on this planet! lol. I know not everyone is getting laid, my suite mate is a perfect example. My GF is a nympho(as am I) and we are in a polyamorous relationship, we fuck what we see, and fuck each other with another on occassion, and when it's just her and I, we fuck till the sun comes up... after it's set initially of course! I understand I'm young, still immature on some level, and understand that I can't always get what I want, I understand just about everything said, it's being able to deal with the emotional levels of both understanding and coping with these urges that I need to learn.

    I wake up every morning, rub two out, I come back from class, get another, I come back from class two, eat, do some work, get another one out, I get back from final classes, and get another two out before bed. Masterbation is NOT foreign to me, it's very familiar, my current girlfriend is my first, she is older than me, was my first sexual partner, and we've been together for 2 and a half years now. Up to the point, I cybered, yes, starting at 13, creepy, I know, but it doesn't take much to pretend to be someone you're not, especially when you have an affinity for fiction writing, that, coped with knowledge of the female genetalia and my own groin region, I could pretend to be a girl or boy, and pretend to be any age at any time. I knew how to fake and lie my way through scenarios to get people to help me release. I know it's kinda creepy sounding, and makes all if not some of you speculate "Can we trust him now?" but really, if that were such a big deal, would I not be trying to keep that secret and not draw attention to it? At this point, anything I say can just be seen as a for of placation to the fictional idea of what my age really is. But it's whatever lol.

    Moving on from this detour. I won't say as a fact I've read enough, but I'm writing my own BDSM novel(maybe series) based around S/M and Vampires. I have integrated the true aspects of submissive respect as well as dominatrix control via the power of the super natural. I might post it sometime. I have within bondage, power of word over the loyal submissive without mind control, submissive diligence to serve, and nice exploding bodies(mostly for non erotic use obviously). I've played a Master/Mistress or Submissive pet/slave/toy/slut/etc... since I was 15 online. I've experiemented (online) with the extremes: scat, watersports, body mod, foot fetish, 24/7 enslavement, 24/7 bondage, blood letting, torture, worship, mind control, hypnosis, brainwashing, and the like. Most of which I probably would not do in real life. I don't say these things to be "Oh I'm all badass I've done all this." I'm just saying it to prove a point; this is not just something that popped in my head when I turned 18, I've been implementing it and toying with it, experimenting with it, for years. This is not to say I know all I want to know, on the contrary, I want to know MORE, I want to know ALL there is to know and hope you all can help me come to this resolution.

    I chose the sexuality of bisexual when I turned seventeen. I had my first experience of guy on guy only a few weeks ago, no penetration, just oral. Since then I've been with two other guys. If I am to be a slave/pet, I wanna be able to please in all ways, if I am to be a Master/Sir, I wanna be able to show my pet the pleasures of sight as well. This is also to reiterate that I'm young and searching for new experiences, I'm not here to be a know it all.

    Sex doesn't always follow us, I know, but I'm coming from a place wher eI (for all intense and purposes) had 4 girls ready to play at any given time: my girlfriend, a good friend of mine I've known for years and has a sexual crush on me, a submissive who I would domme but wasn't interested in on a constant level, and a girl who just loved to have sex with me and my girlfriend. I know I'm not ugly, I know I can be smooth, I know I can get laid, I know a lot of things, but I can't explain why people have an aversion to simply talking with me, even people in my classes. I don't look at them like object for sex, least when I can help it, but I still come off as weird to them, I can see it in their eyes and in their facial features and the way they speak after I openly introduce myself and start asking them how their day is and what not. Maybe I'm not here with an issue, maybe I'm here for a pityparty? Is anyone getting that vibe? Tell me please.

    sillylittlepet- Don't be sorry, we all have some free speech here, you're just silly, you're little, and you're a pet, but you still have a voice, and I'll respect that.

    I don't see my girlfriend as a submissive-for-life kinda girl. She'll call me master on the phone or text every now and then when she's really horny, but to her I think it's more just a fetish, not something she could live with. She respects my desires though, and won't tell me I can't explore them, and I'd never wish to do the same to her. One thing I do want to include though is that I tend to try and dominate females who have issues in their life that on a subconcious level(during interactions, and later, on a concious level I analyze) I want to fix them, and I see dominating them being that way to get them to listen to me and obey becuase somehow I know all the quirks in life and how to fix them.(Sarcasm). I won't lie, my girlfriend has her quirks that I feel if I dominate her somehow, I can fix them for her, or help her cope with them, maybe that's why I wanna dominate her at all, maybe that's why I wanna dominate anyone at all. But what explains my submissive tendancies? Do I want some domme to come and fix all MY issues? Speculation anyone?

    We are long distance right now while I'm in college, she graduates next year and wants to move up here and get us an apartment together, which I can't wait to do! Oh and my cybering skills are still here, I've (reportedly) made people cum off virgin posts(pre-sex posts) just off how descriptive I am and how sensual I can be. Again, these are from the other people, not self fabricated. Now I'm bragging, weird. Anywho; hope I can come to some conclusion from all of this, thank you all for your input, and hope to hear more soon.
  14. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    -head explodes-
  15. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    Sorry hun =^.^=...

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