Had a question, new to this

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Starbitshinda, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. Starbitshinda

    Starbitshinda New Member

    Hi, I've always had an interest in BDSM... and I've read a lot about it. Recently I was drinking with my girlfriend and she told me she likes being submissive. She's had relationships in the past where she was dominated and I figured that I'd give it a try. So later down the road she told me that the only way she would let me dominate her is if I could tell her 'why' she likes to be dominated. So I read up all of these reasons and none of them were the answer she was looking for. So she was like: 'it's the reason why people in a high position of power like being dominated.' Any help?
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2012
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  2. Roland

    Roland Member

    Sounds fairly simple. She is used to being in power and in control in her professional life, but in her private life, she craves the simplicity of being told what to do, and having that power stripped from her.
     
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    For balance. But it seems really controlling/mind games of he to set that rule.
     
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yeah, it's about the vacation from power.

    It is a little controlling, but maybe she wants to make sure that he understands what's going on.
     
  5. You don't mention if your g/f is actually "in a position of power" in her normal life. It seems to be implied in the quote from her.

    Without gving too much personal detail away, is there any more info you can provide?

    Here are some links to articles on Psychology Today (I have no idea how well regarded this website is - from the volume of articles I would suspect there is little or no peer review).

    You'll see there's disagreement even amongst the "experts". People are complicated, and I would urge your g/f not to try to put herself into a neat box.

    I think the value of these articles is to reassure her that what she feels isn't "abnormal".


    http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199511/inside-look-sm

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...00806/sadomasochism-in-everyday-relationships

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199909/the-pleasure-pain
     
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  6. Starbitshinda

    Starbitshinda New Member

    Thanks for the responses. I've actually, told her these reasons before and she still seems to think that i don't "get it". Questioning to me, as to 'why' people in power in power do these things, has nothing to do with it now. She wants me to 'just know' why SHE wants to do it. ...and I've gone over the list of reasons and still none of them seem to be the answer she is looking for. It just seems like shes playing a game with me. I've been telling her that if she wants to do this I am ready and willing, and that I'm open to her explaining what she really means. I also told her that this is something that we need to communicate about and if she want me to fulfill whatever she is needing, we just need to talk about interests and feel our way. I think she may be trying to use this defiance as a barrier. She is also a very demanding, self-centered and arrogant girl.
     
  7. spider

    spider New Member

    Abdication of responsibility and the stress that comes with it. Plus a little cathartic release of the guilt that comes from making mistakes when your the one everyone trusts not to make mistakes. (assuming the person with the responsibility is taking it seriously) Plus those in positions of power who take it seriously and arn't using it for self advancement usually have to make sure everyone else focuses on those in greatest need and with the biggest problems, and it's kinda nice to say "no, focus on me for a bit, even if it is in a weird slightly abusive way, but hell at least I know your attentions are genuine and fueled by passion and not some attempt to pander, lie and generally tell me what you think I want to hear."
     
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  8. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

    I was once told by a mentor that the easiest way to gain responsibility (power) is to take it. (lets be clear I'm not talking about rape here) However, *I'm* frustrated enough just reading this post that if I knew her, I'd put her over my knee for a spanking. When finished I'd stand up, dumping her on the floor.
     
  9. MrWolfgang

    MrWolfgang Member

    I second this notion. Thatll do.

    I definatly dont get whey shes holding back on you. Communication is key and she is witholding information that is probally vital. Maybe she's just putting you off, leading you on, or just hoping that eventually it goes away? Hate to say that. Might be a possibility though.
     
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  10. spider

    spider New Member

    The easiest way to gain power maybe to take it, but that's not the best form of it and rarely brings true dominion. The best form is power that's earnt. Because it's build from a more definitive and proven foundation it's harder to argue with and rebel against. (and when I say something like 'with great power comes great responsibility', somebody slap me . . no I mean it)
     
  11. Roland

    Roland Member

    I agree with spider in principle. Seizing power can be fleeting, but earning power can last a lifetime. Still, this situation may call for the dumping her on the floor technique. It's really hard to tell where her head is at.
     
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  12. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member


    oh, I agree. You have to earn respect before anyone will willingly consent to a power exchange. However, communication is important and the idea that he should just know what she wants reeks of that old cliche "if you don't know why I'm mad I'm not going to tell you" and that just doesn't cut it in this lifestyle. My suggestion would get two points across - You may be powerful in your vanilla life but I am the dominate partner behind closed doors and if you don't want to work with me and openly communicate then I can shut that door, hence the drop on the floor. I wouldn't do anything further that night kinky or sexual.

    Yes, it's temporary. Spankings are designed to gain instant compliance not provide a permanent solution.
     
  13. spider

    spider New Member

    So the plan of attack would be to seize power and after a demonstration of it, find some way to earn it on a longer term. But how do you do that after the humiliation of being dumped on the floor. (genuine question, not a dig . . I think the OP needs more than just an opening salvoe for this to work right.)
     
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  14. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    For people in high positions of power, who are submissives by nature... Periods of submission, usually including pain, are the only time they actually feel free, or "released" from themselves.

    That's the simple answer, though there are certainly many.
     
  15. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

    I’m not offering a road map here. I’m simply responding with what has worked for me in the past. Keep in mind that aftercare is still required. A simple hand up, hug and wiping away the tears may lead to an open discussion of why this course of action was taken. But let’s understand - I *don’t* know this person and so I can’t tell you how she’d react.

    A more proper response to the situation would be to tell her that communication is key to success especially at this critical point in their relationship and that if she cannot or will not communicate her desires then they cannot move forward. However, given the previous responses I doubt that would make a difference.

    There are as many reasons for people, not just those in power, to submit to dominance in BDSM as there are people practicing BDSM so unless she's willing to communicate all we're offering is speculation on what she considers the correct answer for her.
     

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