Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Knots, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. Knots

    Knots Member

    I got it really wrong last night.

    After an argument in which my girl had disobeyed me, she said she wanted to go to bed. I replied: "I don't care, it doesn't matter anymore. Do what you like." she intepreted this as me disowning her.

    She's now, understandably, upset. I think it was really insensitive of me, and I'm now questioning whether I should actually own her after hurting her like this. I know everyone makes mistakes, but I think this was just horrible of me; I've owned her for almost a year and known her for nearly 3, I should have realised how a statement like this would feel to her.

    The guilt is horrible...She shouldn't have had to feel that.
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2011
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Then apologize. Communication is critical in BDSM, as we so often say here at Smplace.

    Doms screw up, just like everyone else. We make mistakes, we say things we don't mean, or things the sub interprets differently than we intend, we get angry and punish inappropriately, or we withdraw and fail to do something we should do. We're human. So give yourself some slack.

    But look at your sub's rule in this as well. She disobeyed you, and from what you've said, I assume that punishing her was within the bounds of her submission to you. She was resistant to your control and this frustrated you. You said something in anger that you didn't mean, and then she read into your statement something you didn't intend. You did not say you were releasing her; you said you didn't care. So she is not blameless in what happened. You need to discuss this with her. So sit down and discuss this with her as equals--suspend your d/s interaction at least for this conversation and have an honest discussion of what happened, why it happened, and how you intend to correct the problem and proceed.

    You are the dom. You have twice the responsibility the sub does, because the sub surrenders control to you. So your sense of guilt is understandable. But she was not actually submitting to you, so you do not bear all the guilt here. Rather than trying to apportion blame though, focus on explaining to each other why things happened the way they did. Help her to understand why her actions upset you, and why you said what you said. Then find out from her why she was resistant to you.

    I don't think this mistake means you can't own her. If anything it shows you the importance of owning her responsibly. And you went a full year before you screwed up; I made it about three months before I did something that really upset my slave. So don't be so hard on yourself.
  3. Knots

    Knots Member

    I've just spoke to my girl, I think we'll be able to move on. Though I still feel awful.

    Thank you for your advice/support everyone (Fox, Small and Sebby).
  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator


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