General Safety Tips

Tempestas somniorum · Nov 11, 2012

Ok, so. . . After my boyfriend and I had a long talk (as a few of you are aware) I had him list a few kinks that he was into. Below is a list of those things. . . He refuses to give me a "full" list because he thinks I veto'd too many of the things that he gave me, but I feel the ones I veto'd were intelligent veto's. What I want to know is if I'm blowing the health risks of the ones that I veto'd out of proportion because there's a safe way to do it and if there's things on this list that should be veto'd that aren't due to safety issues. . . Only what was veto'd for safety issues isn't listed (I veto'd anal and pegging because I am, quite simply, against either of them because of what doing them entails.)

Suspension Bondage - Partially veto'd, because he stated it would be done with ropes and chains, and I'm worried about a loss of blood to limbs
Hardcore Shibari - Partially veto'd, because he's also talking finger/toe bondage as well and not only is that not practical (from what I've gathered) but is extremely dangerous in terms of blood circulation
Normal Bondage - Not veto'd, so long as he's careful of rope tightness and pressure
Fire - veto'd for health concerns in terms of burns
Wax - Not veto'd because I know what candles to look for
Knives - Veto'd for safety concerns, though I mentioned cold butter knives (I do believe?) have about the same effect
Public Sex - Because he said very-public and that's not only very uncomfortable to me, but it pulls other people in who probably don't want to be pulled in without their consent
Face-fucking - Not veto'd, but I remember how it was mentioned that it could be dangerous due to falling under breath play?

Am I under wrong impressions on some of the above in their safety risks? And what's your view points of these particular BDSM aspects?

(Also, I probably should have put this in the safety section. :< Sorry.)

Smallest · Nov 12, 2012

A few thoughts:

-Good plan on veto-ing the suspension. That is advanced play, and it's unlikely he could do it safely, ESPECIALLY with ropes and chains instead of suspension-rated cuffs and/or harnesses.

-I don't think you should be trying hardcore shibari before you try normal bondage and shibari in the first place. Your circulation concerns are valid, and both of you should get more practice first.

-You're right about cold dull knives, and smart to know not to get into cutting, especially as a beginner.

-On public sex, you're very right. Unlike you, I'd be fine with it lack-of-privacy-wise, but I never would involve someone without consent, and no one should. You might be able to, should you ever feel interested in this, find a BDSM, swingers, or something club where you could do this safely and legally though.

-Face fucking isn't much more dangerous than oral in general, as long as the two of you go slow the first few times and you keep track of your breathing an have a drop toy to stop him, should you not be able to.

So far you seem like you're approaching this very intelligently. I suggest you get your boyfriend to look more into the safety risks himself before play, because it sounds like he's pushing for a lot of things that neither of you are ready for.

And I'm curious why anal and pegging are no gos, but of course that's your decision and you're already trying new things.

Tempestas somniorum · Nov 12, 2012

Good to know I made the right call on most of it! ^^" Don't want to eat a whole pizza in one bite, you know?

I must have mis-read or mis-construed on the face fucking part, then. . . And as for clubs, apparently there's plenty around a city just to our SE. Not saying I'm going to go and get on stage or anything, but curiosity calls to at least visit.

He's always been very gung-ho about everything. His hastiness is kept in check by my cautiousness, though. So that's always good. ^^ I have half a mind to think his list just includes every fetish out there. . .

Well, see, I've always been against anal is because I'm thoroughly against anything that could possibly involve human feces. Regardless of whether or not you want them there, they exist in that area and the result is, possibly, some coming off on what ever gets put up your butt. I've heard there are ways to decrease these chances, but the only "sure-fire" way involves an enema - which also sounds gross. O.x Consider me a closed-minded individual in this regard, but the smell/texture of any kind of fecal matter has always really bothered me. . . I grew up around farms and I've accidentally stepped into my share of cow patties barefoot. ;~; Traumatic experience, I assure you. Especially for a 5-year-old germaphobe.

Smallest · Nov 12, 2012

Deep throating causing choking came up a while ago on the forum, so you weren't mistaken, it's just not very likely to be dangerous on a breath-play level.

Regarding anal, it's really unlikely feces will be a problem, but seeing as bums have all kinds of bacteria and you being (your words) a germaphobe, your repulsion to it still makes sense.

sebastian · Nov 12, 2012

Keep in mind that bondage is the riskiest form of BDSM. Although the basics of bondage are fairly easy to learn, there are a lot of ways that bondage can go wrong. It's great that your bf wants to explore bondage with you--you'll have a lot of fun with it. But he needs to put a lot of energy into learning safe techniques and the like. That means doing a lot of reading and, as he gets to more complex practices, finding a mentor to study under. Shibari looks gorgeous but is extremely time-consuming. When you look at a picture of a model under shibari, realize that the prep work for that photo took 30-60 minutes to do, and it often leaves the sub in a position that cannot be sustained for play for more than a few minutes. Shibari is beautiful to look at, but it can be quite boring for many subs to receive.

Suspension bondage can be great fun and, as you've probably seen from porn videos, nice for fucking. But it is also extremely risky if not done properly. In addition to obvious problems like joint injury and circulation problems (which are concerns with much bondage), there are also problems with things like heart attack, positional asphyxia, and harness-hang syndrome (orthostatic incompetence), all of which are potentially fatal. It is one of the most advanced forms of play there is. It is absolutely not for a beginner. That doesn't mean that you should put it off the table permanently; let it be a goal that you and he can work toward, so that in 4-5 years you'll be ready to start exploring it.

Here's an experiment to conduct to teach you something about bondage. Watch a full-length professional bondage video, like the sort that is run on Kink.com, and analyze the points where the camera cuts. What you'll start to realize is that they're cutting when the sub safe words, and that they're not keeping the sub in one position for more than 10-15 minutes. That's because the professional sub and the bondage rigger (who is often not seen in the video) know that the bondage can't be sustained for much more than that long. But because the safety precautions are edited out, the viewer gets the impression that advanced play like suspension is easy to do.

This isn't to scare you away from bondage. Far from it. There's a reason it's so popular--it can be intensely erotic. But you need to start with the easy stuff and do your homework.

Tempestas somniorum · Nov 13, 2012

He generally seems really good when it comes to safety issues. Hasty, yes. But he knows stuff. My only issue is explaining WHY the shibari he wants to do isn't doable. . . He just tells me that everything can seem extreme to someone who hasn't done it before. ._. Which is the same argument he uses any time I ask him to give me safe stuff.

Smallest · Nov 14, 2012

Maybe you should show him the forum, or ask him to find a mentor.

RopeRanger · Nov 20, 2012

Find a mentor. Make sure they have experience in what you want to try. One of the comments that I've had from play partners is that they didn't expect to be moved so often. Sebastian is right, an experienced rigger will not leave their subject bound from much more than 15 minutes.

While most of what the western world considers Kinbaku/Shibari is ornamental it's a good place to start; is visually stimulating for the Dom and can provide a stimulating feeling of constriction for the sub that is nominally safer than more constrictive/compression bondage.

Minimally, unless you know what a capillary refill test is and how to perform it you should not be doing any constriction/compression bondage on fingers/toes. Many of these ties are designed to inflict pain and naturally impinge the nerve bundles in the finger/toe. The risk for nerve damage is very high. This is very advanced play and demands a lot of study, instruction and caution.

sebastian · Nov 20, 2012

About the only bondage positions that are really safe to maintain for longer than 15 minutes are the ones that humans naturally get into during their daily lives: lying prone or spread-eagled, sitting in a chair or maybe tied standing with something to hold the sub's weight and keep them from falling, as long as hands are not over head. Anything that produces unusual postures is going to affect either the joints, the nerves, or circulation, and possibly all three after about 15 minutes.

vivianvaughn · Dec 3, 2012

i think that this kind of communication is CRUCIAL in establishing informed consent. i guess i don't have much more to add to what others have said. as awkward or uncomfortable it can be to discuss your limitations and discover some possible incompatibilities of desire, it's imperative that the conversation happens before delving too deep. talk first, then play!

General Safety Tips

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