Gay Doms?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sebastian, Jan 15, 2010.

  1. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    One of the things that has surprised me as I've gotten into being dominant (and started doing all the research and reading that it requires) is that the vast majority of material that I've found on the web comes at d/s from a heterosexual viewpoint. If you google phrases like 'gay bdsm', most of what you find is simply porn. About the only solid material I've found from a gay perspective is Jack Rinella's work, and occasional threads on forums. So I'm wondering two things.
    1) Does anyone have any recommendations about books or sites that discuss the issues that arise for gay bdsm couples? Or for that matter, does anyone have any advice on this subject?
    2) Why is most of the material from a heterosexual perspective? Is this a real issue, or am I just looking in the wrong place? Obviously, there's the fact that straights grossly outnumber gays, but given how willing most gays are to discuss their sexual practices, I would have thought they would be more vocal about d/s activity.

    As always, thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.
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  2. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

    You've never heard about the leathermen? I'm shocked. Rent Cruising with Al Pacino.
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm familiar with the leather subculture, and at least vaguely familiar with its history. But in my research, I simply haven't run across that much actual writing by those in it. I was really quite surprised that I didn't find pages and forums for gay d/sers. Have I simply managed to miss them in my googling?

    When I do searches like 'gay bdsm' and so on, most of what I get is sites that just host porn. Some of it is quite nice porn, but it doesn't offer much in the way of advice or guidance. For example, I have found nothing like Mistress 160's BDSM for Beginners from a gay perspective (although I have found a page or two that discusses puppy play).
  5. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

    The internet in all its glory is in the business of pornography (Much like every television show was created with the sole purpose of selling commercial time in the breaks). There is gay porn, but 95% of porn buyers are hetero men. So any porn search is most likely to appeal to that demographic.
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  6. Chained Heat

    Chained Heat New Member

    ReallyGreen is correct. They (porn industry) cater to the largest audience since it is a buisness. Compared to the heterosexual community the gay community is much smaller. The community gets even smaller once you start dealing with the gay bdsm community.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I realize that. My point is that almost everything that comes up if you google 'gay bdsm' is porn. I have yet to find a site like this one with forums that discuss bdsm stuff from a gay perspective. Finding gay bondage porn is easy; finding intelligent discussion of gay bdsm practice is pretty difficult. This simply surprises me, so I suspect that I'm missing the right keyword or something. God knows gay men love talking about sex, so there has got to be a forum for gay d/s'ers out there somewhere.
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  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I'm curious as to what would be different in advice for gay doms (and dommes) as opposed to heterosexual doms and dommes

    like, besides the pronouns used to describe the subs

    Is the mentality different?
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  9. sluttysub

    sluttysub Member

    I was wondering the same thing. I guess I've always been under the assumption that gay and lesbian relationships shared the same emotional aspects that heteros do, therefore making the gay D/s relationships the pretty much the same as well. Sorry I can't be of much help. :(
  10. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    I have to admit that I never really thought about it, and yet, I always thought of D/s as hetero, but when I think about it on the gay side I think of the Leather subculture

    When I look, I always thought the D/s side was far more advanced in the leather culture than with straights. My first alternative bookstore (Unabridged on Broadway) catered mostly to gay authors. It was the only bookstore I could find that had a section on BDSM and SM. Over half of the books regarding bondage techniques and safety were related to gay culture, and I applied what I thought best and went from there.
    It doesn't surprise me though, that on the internet everything is slanted towards hetero sex subculture. Even Kink dot com just started their gay (male) sites relatively recently.
    Like everything else on the web, it does tend to settle and balance over time.
    If I come across anything in my travels, I'll save it for you. (I travel a lot).
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  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, here's one example. When a man subs for a woman, often he winds up feminized, as if he is surrendering his masculinity to her. But forced fem seems to be fairly rare in the gay community. It's there, but much less common. Instead of the sub surrendering his masulinity, the doms masculinity is exaggerated. Gay doms sometime impose forced workouts on their boys, wheras I've never seen a reference to that in straight d/s play. Gay subs are encouraged to be physically tough, to endure pain in a manly way. I haven't seen as much of this in female subs, but maybe Im wring there.

    At the same time, there's a lot of humiliation play in the gay community, a lot about the boy being whored out to other men as a way to demonstrate the boy's debasement. So the whole 'gay promiscuity' thing is quite pronounced. In contrast this sort of thing seems to play a smaller role in straight play. How common is watersports in straight play?

    With female subs, there's a serious shadow of domestic violence that, for me at least, hangs over more extreme play. The couple, I would think, needs to confront that in some way. That issue isn't there even in abstract between two men.
  12. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Hmm yeah there's an interesting dynamic between the sexes

    I wonder what a D/s relationship between two women would be like!

    I wanted to dabble in bdsm with a girl I had a briefly with, but we were both too shy and it wasn't really a serious relationship. I couldn't even figure out if I wanted to domme or submit to her!

    What exactly is the leather subculture?
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  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Leather is the general gay term for d/s activity. As the name implies, it has a strong emphasis on clothing fetishes: leather, uniforms, boots, rubber, Lycra, neoprene, sports gear, and so on. But there's typically a d/s component with a Dom and a sub, a fair amount of verbal abuse and humiliation, bondage, and pain play.

    Another difference I see involves femdoms. A lot of femdoms dress in ways that conform to male fantasies: tight corsets, high heels, and other uncomfortable clothing. It's as if the femdom's pleasure is secondary to her male sub's fantasy image of her (Bitchy Jones talks about this a great deal). There's nothing comparable for gaydoms. I can't imagine having to wear uncomfortable clothing because the boy expected it of me, because leather is more explicitly about the dom's pleasure.
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  14. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Personally I think bitchy jones always find something to be upset about

    There are probably plenty of dommes who genuinely like wearing outfits like that, I have a friend who's a tightlacer just because she likes the way it looks and feels on her

    I dont know, there's just so many different kinds of BDSM and people who do it, I feel uncomfortable making generalizations sometimes

    I think this thread has wandered off topic =P

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