From Vanilla to D/S - Story and Questions (Long!)

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Revenance, Mar 20, 2012.

  1. Revenance

    Revenance New Member

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    Hello forums. My name is "Z" (AKA Revenance or Reven) and I need some advice and positive reinforcement regarding the new territory my relationship has just entered into. I'm sorry if this is crazy long, but talking about it and writing out my thoughts has proven to be very therapeutic for me. I think it will be helpful if I explain the background of my relationship and how it's completely changed over the past few weeks.

    Two years ago, I met the love of my life (we'll call her "L"). We hit it off right away, went on a date the next afternoon, and have barely spent a day apart since. We moved in together a few months after we met, we got engaged a year later, and got pregnant a week after we got engaged. Our baby son is now
    5 months old. My fiance also has an 11 year old daughter who now regards me as her dad, though she's shy about calling me by that title. We are completely and utterly in love and have a very model relationship in the eyes of our friends and family. However, there have always been some serious
    underlying issues.

    Let me first explain that before meeting L, I had only dated four other girls, and only slept with the latter two of them. The first one I slept with cheated on me like crazy and when I found out she freaked on me, trashed my stuff, left and I never heard from her again. The last girl I slept with
    had little to no self-esteem or confidence in bed, which led to a year of an awkward and unhappy bedroom life. Then I met L, and everything was different. Our sex life was really good, comfortable, fun, and frequent.

    Now, as you can tell, prior to meeting L, I had very little experience sexually, and what little experience I did have was negative. L is a completely different story. She has been with hundreds of girls and guys, has slept with more people than many porn stars, and has a very deep and complex sexual
    personality. She was very active in the fetish/bdsm scene as a teenager, but got married to her first husband and stopped attending fetish parties. Instead, they frequented swingers clubs together and possessed (for a time) a successful polygamist relationship. She is heavily into submission, role-playing, costumes and uniforms, whipping, paddling, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. Me? I was (and still am a bit) vanilla. Sex beyond the norm is a scary thing for a guy like me. I've always desired a monogamist relationship and prided myself on my fidelity. Since being with L, I haven't even flirted with another girl. That's just how I am. I don't cheat, physically or emotionally.

    When I met L, she was very straight forward and told me of her history and her sexual lifestyle right up front. Being completely naive to that lifestyle, I freaked the fuck out about this stuff in the beginning, but every time we would fight about it, I would get scared to lose her and would bite back my
    discomfort over her past and focus on how much I was in love with her. As time went on, I would forget about how her past made me feel for a few months, and then we would fight about it all over again. It became quite the sore spot in our relationship. I once told her I would never tell any of my
    friends what she used to do, which she understandably interpreted as me saying I was ashamed of her. We always managed to patch things up, but like I said, it was and still is a sore spot in our relationship.

    Anyway, after giving birth to our new baby, things were pretty good, but it has been hard on us emotionally and physically. The toils of taking care of a baby and getting little to no sleep took their toll on us and we had a near break up around Valentine's Day. She went out late with her friends, got
    trashed, and came home at 5am while I spent the night taking care of our fussy baby. I was angry, we fought, and it got really really bad. Like, I thought it was over. We went a week barely speaking. All the while, I lost my strength. I would openly sob in front of her, and it would just piss her off more. She
    told me she didn't feel like she was in love anymore. Things were really rough for a while, and then one day she told me that one of her biggest issues was feeling confined to a monogamist relationship. This hurt me terribly, and I interpreted what she had said as her telling me she wasn't going to be happy
    being with just me.

    So, I prepared to leave. I stopped crying about shit, manned up, put my foot down, and started to explain the process we'd have to undergo in order to split up. I was firm with her, but not angry or mean. I told her the facts of the situation in a level-headed manner and started packing my things. I left for the weekend, and by Saturday afternoon, she was begging me to come home. Apparently, me firming up and taking control knocked some sense into her and she realized she couldn't imagine not spending the rest of her life without me. We then both realized that the reason she didn't feel like she was in love anymore was because I was, to be frank, starting to act like a pussy instead of act like a man. She needs me to be her rock, not some soft, passive sissy. That changed that day, and she's reminded me every day that she's in love with me again.

    After having calmed down and spent a few amazing days together, she explained that she wasn't saying she wanted to be with other men. What she missed was an exciting sexual lifestyle, and she missed having the occasional encounter with another girl. She wanted to explore more and she wanted me to
    open up. So that's what we've been doing for the past month.

    First, we went to a strip club together and got some lap dances. In the beginning of our relationship, I think I would have been turned off by the whole thing. I've always been a very jealous and protective partner, and even though I like the idea of a threesome, there was still something in me that didn't
    like the idea of anyone else touching my partner or even seeing her naked, even if it's another girl. Also, I'm a one-woman-type-of-man. I still associate sex with love (which she doesn't always). I was just very, very sheltered and always believed in fidelity and modesty. But, to my surprise, I LOVED IT. It was incredibly sexy to watch a stripper grind on L and lick her breasts. Likewise, L had no issues with me fondling the stripper or sucking on her nipples. It was one of the funnest times we've ever had together. There was no jealously or resentment, just happiness and lust. It was also very clear to L that I was there to be with her. She knew my eyes on were on her the whole time, and the strippers were just faceless playthings for us to enjoy together.

    On the drive home from the strip club, I pulled her pants down while she drove and gave her head the whole way. I even pulled her tits out as we drove and a few people were able to see into our car and see what was going on. Normally, I would have had a shit fit about the potential of some trucker catching a glimpse at my fiance's rack, but I was just so excited and happy it didn't really matter. A small part of me still has reservations about it, but when I'm realistic with myself, why should I get upset cause some random person maybe saw an obstructed view of her boobs for a few seconds. Not to mention, it was me that exposed her in the first place!

    After we got home, we were so riled up we took a walk to a dark spot in our neighborhood, slipped behind the wall, and fucked for an hour against the wall about thirty yards from a major road, people driving by and everything. It was super fun and I have no issues with any of it. In the following days,
    we started trying all sorts of things, like role-playing, feigned rape/home invasion with a gun (not real of course, but looks damn real), spanking, food play, some choking, golden showers (ahem), and more. It. Was. Awesome.


    Now, recently we were invited to attend a fetish party. Feeling brave and interested in exploring, I agreed to try it out. We had tons of fun putting our costumes together and preparing for the night. We met up with our friends, took a bunch of tequila shots, and headed to the club. Now, again, this environment was completely foreign to me, but for the first hour or so I had fun.

    Until, she met up with one of her friends from twelve years ago who she used to frequent the fetish scene with. Now, up until this point, it was clear that I wasn't cool with anyone touching her, but because she knew this guy, he came right up and grabbed her ass right in front of me. This irked me hard. I basically just walked away and left her with her friend and the other couple we came with. When she came to ask what was wrong, I explained I didn't like seeing that dude grope her ass, but she replied "well I've known him for over a decade". I tried to explain that it didn't really matter how long she knew him, I only knew the dude for 5 seconds before he put his hand on her rear end. Anyway, she quickly explained that after he did that she told him he wasn't allowed to touch her and I cooled down.

    At this point, I had stopped being sour about the incident with her friend and we proceeded outside where the club had a few racks set up. She leaned over and whispered into my ear "Do you want to strap me to that and spank me?", to which I replied "...Fuck yes!" (???)

    Pause here. What?! I just said yes to that? Well, yeah I did. Was I doing it just because I knew she wanted to? Well, no, actually. I liked the idea... Very surprising to me. Unpause.

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  2. Revenance

    Revenance New Member

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    So I strapped her to the rack and proceeded to spank her in front of thirty or forty people. I was feeling a little self-conscious diving into something like that when I was completely new to the scene. I know I'm a good spanker (so she tells me), but I kind of worried that people were looking at me and seeing me as an amateur or newbie. But I did it anyway, and much to my surprise, I began to pull her panties up and down, exposing her ass as I spanked her. When we finished, I walked away with a big smile on my face and no negative feelings what-so-ever.

    When we went back inside, there was a scene going on with a guy whipping a girl who was bound to a rack. L asked me how I would feel if it were her up there getting whipped. I told her only if it was me doing the whipping (I'm not cool with the idea of someone else whipping my fiance). She said it would have to be someone who knows how to whip her, who knows her tolerances. Her response disappointed and hurt me. It reminded me that I was just a newbie to all of this and she was complete veteran. It made me kind of resentful that she couldn't even humor me. It sounded to me like, "You? No, you don't know what you're doing. I would need someone with skills you don't have." and that's not something I was prepared for. I sulked for a while after that, until she managed to cheer me up (by letting me spank her outside again, heh).

    By the end of the night, I had her in the rack a total of four times, and had no issues until some drunk guy came up and started asking to join in. When I said no, he basically stood there and jokingly narrated what I was doing, questioned the fact that I wasn't showing off enough of her body, and kept
    wanting to give me high-fives every few seconds. I tried to play it cool and even asked L if it was turning her on that this guy was standing there watching, to which she replied a moany yes. Oddly, this made me upset. I was fine with the idea of the crowd's presence turning her on, but when there was a face to the person who was the voyeur and he kept interacting with us, I got really irritated and basically told her it turned me off that him standing there was turning her on. Looking back, this was unfair and very confusing for her. After all, I had no problems the first three times, and it was me that was exposing her skin to the crowd, and in turn, this drunk dude. I also think part of it was I was fighting with myself about the fact that I was enjoying something that I was completely against my entire life. Of course, she shrugged it off, explained to me that it didn't really matter who was standing there, it was just the fact that she could feel the presence of someone nearby watching. She reassured me that she was mine forever and belonged to no one else, and we moved on.

    The final thing that happened was on the way out, she stopped to talk to one of her friends who was currently talking to a pair of security guards. I didn't quite hear what was said, but as she walked away, she smiled slyly at the security guards and said in a sultry voice "Have a good night boys..." Once we
    got to the car, I complained about the fact that she was being flirty with the security guards, basically out of nowhere. And at this point, I had basically been complaining about a lot of things, pretty much anything she did that didn't involve me directly. I admit this is mostly due to my insecurities, jealousy, and the fact that I was feeling resentment towards her prior involvement and experience in the scene. We argued the whole way home and into the next morning. It was bad news.

    In the past few days, things have calmed down and we've been able to talk civilly about the party. The more she explained things to me and the more I understood, the better I felt. There are just some things I'm going to have to accept. She has a very sordid past, has gotten around quite a bit, and it will
    have a tendency to come up at fetish parties and events. I believe that in time, as I gain experience in the lifestyle and earn my own stories to tell, I'll be less apprehensive about her past. As it stands now though, there is still a lot I don't know about what she used to do and with whom, and I still want to remain ignorant to most of it. Also, I have to just accept the fact that we're likely to run into some of her friends at these parties, who will already have a relationship and a comfort level and will probably feel entitled to be flirty and possibly touch her. I just have to remember that these touches do not mean anything, and make sure she tells them not to touch her as soon as possible.

    I'm going to have to take things less personal as well. She pretty much flirts with anything that moves and it bothers me. I know now that it's because she enjoys the rush of knowing that she is desired and denying the person. She enjoys teasing people because it gives her a sense of power over them. That night, she had at least twelve different people, girls and guys, that were tailing her around the club. Now, god knows I think she's absolutely beautiful and sexy beyond belief, but she doesn't have a stereotypical beauty. Even though she just had a baby and feels pretty bad about the way she looks, everyone who knows her is keenly aware of the fact that she has an incredibly powerful animal magnetism. The way she explained it, the majority of the people she's been with were WAY out of her league (she claims including me!), but she just has that something special that draws people to her and turns them on. Like, she said if she really wanted to, she's sure she could have gone home with 80% of the people at the club, and I absolutely believe that. Unless I was standing right by her side, she was constantly getting approached by people that wanted to either dance, take her outside, or straight up ask her if she wanted to fuck. The other girl from the couple we went with did not get that kind of attention. It was unnerving for me. I get frustrated at the way people throw themselves at her, but once I realized that as long as I was standing by her side, she didn't get approached the same way, I felt better. I can't blame people for hitting on her if she looks unattended. I mean, I hit on her when we first met, so why be mad at people for desiring and pursuing someone I too desired and pursued? And continue to desire and pursue!

    I'm getting more used to the idea of her being into exhibitionism and voyeurism. I've never been comfortable with the idea that she is turned on by other people watching her do sexual things. I'm not sure I get turned on by it as well, but spanking her in front of the crowd did give me a bit of an adrenal
    rush. Like I said, I've always been a one-man-one-woman type of guy. I've always had the traditional line of thinking that my partner's naked body is for me to see and for me to see only. I'd probably have to say I'd still prefer it that way, but at the same time, she never told me to expose her ass when I was
    spanking her at the club. That was my decision. And I didn't feel anything bad about when I did it. It gave me a rush to know that a lot of those people were wishing they were me getting to do what I was doing to her. I also enjoyed watching her squirm and beg me for more or tell me to stop when she's
    had too much. I could get used to that... She also explained that a good number of onlookers were watching ME just as much as they were watching her. There's something comforting about that.

    Also, she later explained the flirting with the security guards was not what it appeared. She explained that one of her friends, we'll call her "A", was basically asking the security if they wanted to double-team her when the club closed. So L asked A and the security guards if the night was looking good
    for them, to which A replied "Really good...", so L smiled and said "Have a good night boys..." in reference to the fact they were going to run a train on A later. In context, it made it seem a lot less flirty and more funny.

    Overall, I think I'm handling my transition from a vanilla, closed-off, possessive, sexual conservative to a more open and easy-going sexually expressive person fairly well. One of the latest things we talked about was the dynamic between the dominant and the submissive. I explained that at the moment I was more interested in dabbling in this stuff than letting it become our lifestyle. She said while it's possible to dabble in the parties and events, the lifestyle is not something we can just dabble in. She is very much a submissive and explained that the only way we can continue to explore sexually was if I learned to be truly dominant for her, in and out of the scene. This is a big one for me...

    This reminded me of the fight we had where I left her and the next day she was begging me to come home. It started to make more sense now, why after I got serious with her and walked out, she fell in love with me all over again. She doesn't just view me as her emotionally stable partner (or her rock as she refers to me as), she views me and desires for me to be her dominant. This was like an epiphany to me. In the past two years, whenever we got into an argument, we would fight and fight and I would do my best to defend my point of view, but ultimately I would give into her and never try to just stop her in her tracks. So I asked her, "If we're fighting, and I just come up to you, grab you by your hair and say 'Shut the fuck up and kiss me', how would you react?" Her answer blew my mind. "I'd just have to kiss you." I couldn't believe that it would be that easy.
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  3. Revenance

    Revenance New Member

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    She told me that if I want her to be mine, I need to just fucking take it and own her. Not only is she willing to be owned by me, that's how she wants it. She's still an individual and has opinions and desires, but ultimately I'm the decision maker and my word is final. She explained that when we go out to these events, she wants (even needs!) me to control her. She wants me to set rules for her and enforce these rules. She doesn't want me to explain when and why things make me feel bad or uncomfortable, she wants me to just come up and stop her. As she explained, when I bitch about something she's doing, it just irritates her. Me just coming up and putting a stop to it excites her. This way, she knows to stop doing something because I don't like it, and it “puts her in her placeâ€.

    Now, this is something very different for me. I grew up being told a relationship is about equality and to be honest, I've always been the one to back down in a fight and let my partner have their way. But my fiance has just told me she wants to submit to me and she wants me to dominate her. And I've been doing it, and it's working. And I like it. I've never felt like it was okay for me to be forceful
    with my girl before, but that's what L wants, and it's invigorating. I mean, obviously I'm not talking about forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do or being mean or abusive. I think that goes without saying. But she likes it when I take control passionately. After thinking about it, most of the
    negative reactions I had at the fetish club were due to me not feeling like I was in control of her. But she wants me to control her, and that shines a whole different light on the situation. It seems like the perfect coupling. I seek to control her, and she wants to be controlled. I just never knew she actually
    wanted to be controlled. Until now.

    The last time we had sex, I was extremely dominant, and it was like a fire lit up inside of me. Watching her submit to my commands was both empowering and humbling. I know that it represents a great honor to be submitted to, and it turned me on like I couldn't believe. And the dominance has extended into our normal life too.

    This morning, we went to a restaurant to get breakfast. We were too late and they stopped serving breakfast since it was after 11am. She got all flustered and asked me what I wanted to do. I wavered a bit and said “I don't know, it's up to youâ€, then I said “let's stay and eat here anywayâ€, then changed my mind and said “we could always go someplace else.†My wavering just pissed her off more and she started to snap at me. Then my dominant brain kicked in and I just said "STOP. No more. We'll eat here and that's it." And just like that, she stopped, stared at her feet for a moment, and looked up and apologized sincerely. That was fucking crazy! That was not how that would have went down a few months ago. We would have gotten all pissy at each other. I would have been all mopey over the fact that she snapped at me and she would have been all irritable over the whole thing, and we probably wouldn't have made up until the next day. But I put her in place and she responded in a way I could have only hoped for. Just a few seconds later, we were laughing and smiling again. The concept gives me goosebumps.

    So, I know this was a novel-length post, but again, writing all of this stuff has indeed proved to be helpful for me. I also wrote this for a few other reasons. Part of me wanted to write this in hopes that maybe it'll help someone else who's in a situation similar to mine. I also wrote this hoping for some positive reinforcement. I'm still in the transition period and my old way of thinking still rears its ugly head frequently. I'm trying to learn to be supportive and comfortable with my fiance's sexual history and desires, as opposed to scared and angry over them. I read stuff online about guys with girlfriends or
    wives that are also into BDSM and exhibitionism, and everyone who responds feels like these guys are lucky to have women who are so open and into this stuff. Until only recently, I always felt unlucky that my partner has participated in this lifestyle and was into the idea of other people seeing her naked or even having sex. It has always been taboo and dark-feeling to me. So I'm hoping that some people will read this and tell me not to worry and remind me how this is an awesome thing for me and not a scary thing. And a lot of it still seems very scary to me.

    For example, she often says things that make it obvious she's “been there and done thatâ€, and sometimes it's hard for me to deal with. Like the whipping thing at the club. It was hard to hear her talk about the fact that only other people could give her that pleasure. On another recent occasion, I asked her if she would be interested in clips for her nipples or vagina. She explained that she preferred clothes-pins and told me the exact number of pins that will fit on different parts of her body. This is tough for me, as all I can imagine is somebody else doing these things to my fiance or even her doing these things in front of a group of people.

    Sometimes when she's angry, she'll say stuff like that but in a way that is meant to be more shocking or even offensive. Like, on the way home from the fetish club, she was angry and kind of drunk, and told me in a very aggressive way that there are people that have had more sex with her then me, even though we've been together for two years. This kind of broke my heart. Sure, it might be the truth, but I don't think it's something I really needed to know or hear. It's these kinds of things that tend to eat away at me. I need to change my point of view on these things, but it's extremely hard. They sometimes keep me up at night. As an attempt to change the way I thought about this particular one, I told her I'd just have to take it as a challenge. If I'm her soul-mate, I should be the person that has had the most sex with her, and this is one I should be able to change. Maintaining this line of thinking takes some considerable effort.

    In addition, I'm hoping for some advice. I'm not completely confident in my abilities as the dominant partner. In fact, confidence is a foreign thing to me. I had never felt good about myself until I met L. I used to be extremely overweight and was the brunt of a lot of mean-kid jokes. I mean, L is the only girl that has approached me and indicated any kind of interest in me for the past decade. What little confidence I have was put there by her over the past two years. I understand being the dominant partner mostly about confidence, respect, understanding, and love, but I'm not sure how to really apply those elements to our life. Or maybe, I do and I just don't realize it. I mean, putting a stop to that argument was a huge confidence booster for me, but I feel like I need to have a better understanding of what she expects of me and where our boundaries lay. My instinct would be to simply discuss this stuff with her, and I intend to, but I figure having some outside assistance might make me better prepared so I can surprise her with some unexpected knowledge or aptitude. So any advice for a newbie dominant on how to behave for his veteran submissive?

    Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any feedback!
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  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    This is mostly pretty general, I'm in a rush to go to class.

    First off, you need a lot better communication, adn you need to set some ground rules between you two. It is going to be a problem if she wants to be polyamorous and you monogamous, but since you can both deal with voyeurism, it could work out. But still, I think she needs to tell you more about herself, and she has to let you do the same. You can't be dominant 100% of the time.
    Also, she complained that it had to be someone who knew her limit to spank her. Have a good discussion of limits of what is okay and what isn't, and in impact play, get used to what she can take, within the confines of your home, so next time you're in public you don't need to worry about it.

    Further, jumping into 24/7 domming (as far as it actually is possible) isn't a good idea for a novice. Get used to all the aspects of it, perhaps start with 'only in the house' or something, or have days where you're both more relaxed, or something. Take some time to get used to it. Also, read through the whole Newcomer's FAQ.

    If L wants you to dom her, she has to accept when you say no to something (obviously within reasonable limits). I know the party was a first, but if it happens again, you should be able to tell her 'You're not going to flirt with him' or 'He's not allowed to touch you' and be respected (though in a vanilla relationship I still hope you would be). The restaurant is a good example of that.

    She seems very much like she'll push you to dom her though, and just pushy and aggressive in general. You really should take control as far as domming, and do question it if she keeps saying things that hurt you. It's another thing to be open about, and if she won't stop, you might need to reconsider, or to consider counselling.
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  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I'll confess I didn't read the whole thing, but here are my thoughts.

    1) Learning to be dominant is a challenge, especially if you've always been vanilla. It takes time to develop the technical skills, it takes time to accept and understand your dominant urges, and it takes time to get comfortable with the idea of taking pleasure when you want it. So don't feel bad that you've made some mistakes and faltered a little bit. And remember, no one is dominant 24/7. Sometimes you may get depressed over something, or may have a rough day at work and just need to be taken care of. And sometimes you might want to switch and be the sub for a few hours (that's an excellent way to learn about being dominant, btw).

    2) Part of the reason you had trouble at the club is that you didn't set out any ground rules for what you were and weren't willing to do, and to let her do. Next time you do something like that, make sure she knows what she's allowed or forbidden to do. You need to take her desires into consideration, but you're the dom; you get to set the rules and she has to obey them, even if she doesn't like all of them. So if you don't want her flirting (or she has to get permission to flirt), then you have the right to put that off-limits. Or off-limits for the moment, while you get your dom legs.

    3) One way to develop confidence is to act like you have confidence. Set rules and safe words, and then trust her to use a safe word if she needs you to stop. Just assume that you have the right to do what you want to do, within the rules. And remember, when you take pleasure from her, you're giving her the pleasure she wants. So learn to see taking as a form of giving.

    One helpful tool is to use titles. Require her to call you 'master' or 'sir' and call her 'girl', 'slave', 'bitch' or whatever else helps you feel dominant over her. (Obviously this is challenging when you have children, but you can always agree that honey=master and sweetie=slave or something like that, so you two know what's being said, but no one else does.)
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  6. Revenance

    Revenance New Member

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    Thanks to those who took the time to read and respond to my crazy-long post! L and I have not touched too much on this subject since I posted this, mostly because both of us came down with a bad sickness and neither of us were really worried about domination while feeling that ill. That's not to say we didn't get busy. Infact, we had a pretty intense sex-a-thon right in the middle of worst feeling week. I think the exercise helped! :D

    After some more consideration, I think it's pretty safe to say that we're both solid and comfortable with just about everything that goes on in the privacy of our home. My main worry now is going to public places like fetish clubs or even night clubs. Sounds like both of you suggest setting ground rules. L actually suggested the same thing. I'm going to start writing up some rules now and run them by her tonight.
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  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    That's pretty wise. A dom usually needs to have rules, and subs usually like having them.
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  8. Div

    Div New Member

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    A lot of the feelings you mention I've had myself. My sub has a significantly less "wild" past than yours, and honestly, I find it amazing that you're making the transition to the extent that you are. You're doing awesome. If my girlfriend had told me things like yours told you, I probably would have cracked. At this point, if she said to me that someone else had had more sex with her than I have, there would be hell to pay, and I think she knows that. Or if she doesn't, she hasn't been mad enough at me to test those waters.

    There are still things that I think she has "been there done that," but I don't know this for a fact and I like to keep it that way. I don't know, and I don't want to know. And really, I don't need to know.

    That said, no matter how much she has experienced, there are new things you can expose her to. Have a talk with her, and see what her hard limits are. When you know those, you can explore anything you want to. As the dominant one, you can go anywhere you want. The problem is knowing what you want. Push your own limits, and continue to do so, and eventually you'll be pushing hers. I know my girlfriend has experienced a lot more than what I've exposed to her (she was a sub before meeting me), but I also know I've exposed her to new things, and that's always a great victory.

    I'm not saying you should do extreme things just for the sake of being extreme just to try and push her, but that's the great thing. You can do anything you want. Decide the direction you want to go in, and go that way. You're a monogamous person, and you want L to be as well. Go there. Explore. When you go to clubs, make sure everybody knows she's yours. Make sure she is letting people know that. It seems to me that you kind of like some amount of exhibitionism, though, so that's not really something you should follow specifically. Point is, don't worry about what her expectations are. Think about yourself and what you want, and make her be there with you. She will like it. It's tough to wrap your head around, but subs really genuinely do just want direction.
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  9. Lunasattva

    Lunasattva New Member

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    All I can say is Wow! You took all that change really well. I'm in a long term vanilla relationship and am trying to transition to BDSM too. My man is being really understanding but neither of us knows what we're doing at this point. I guess you are lucky that at least one of you has some experience. Still, you're giving this your all and I wish you the best of luck. I hope you two can reconcile some of those differing expectations.
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  10. Revenance

    Revenance New Member

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    Hello again everyone! Thanks for the continued responses. This has been very helpful, indeed! I'm glad more than few people here agree with me that I'm actually handling this whole thing very well. I thought I was, but I needed to hear it from someone else! :)

    To update, our sex life was put on hold again by a death in the family. Before that unfortunate event, I presented her with my ground rules and actually came to an interesting result.

    Here are my ground rules, incase you're curious:

    Rules for Poppet...
    - Friends can hug, kiss on cheek, shake hands, normal friend stuff
    - Dudes - mild flirting okay, no touching ever. If you see a guy you think is hot, you can look, but do so discreetly.
    - Flirt with girls as much as you want, always get permission to touch or be touched
    - If you find a girl you like, bring her to me so that we can flirt together. If she doesn't want to flirt or pursue something with both of us, then politely excuse yourself/ourselves
    - As of right now, we're only seeking a girl to share. Couples are fine to make friends with, but 4-somes are not on the table yet. We can discuss further on a per couple basis as far as sharing a room together or whatever.
    - Leave the past in the past. Any further exploration should be treated as a new experience for both of us.

    Rules for Master...
    - Friends, same
    - Chicks - mild flirting, no touching ever unless you tell me to. I can look, but do so discreetly.
    - Poppet always gets to decide if we're interested in someone, but with I get to approve before we pursue anything
    - I won't flirt for real with anyone unless we're doing it together

    To further explain, we've been looking for a unicorn (you know, a single bi girl to share). Essentially, L has told me in the past that she would prefer to be the one to find the girl we share. She thinks she'd be slightly uncomfortable if I found the girl, so I told her that she could have the responsibility of finding a girl that SHE was interested in, and then I would just get final approval. At first, she didn't think that made sense, seeing as how I'm her Dom. But then I explained to her that the way I saw it, the whole thing is a deliberate exchange of power to begin with. As long as both of us understand and agree with what our roles are and what permissions we have, it's all good. She seemed to be impressed by this. Ultimately, I only care about being with her. Bringing another girl into the bedroom is bonus for me, but I'd be just as happy only playing with L while she got to play with both of us. I'm totally turned on by that.

    She was also mentioned that she thought I should have more rights than her, so I revoked the rule that says I don't get to flirt to with girls. That then lead to a discussion about how comfortable we both are with flirting with other people. Long story short, we both agreed that we are happiest and most comfortable when we're together, and if we're going to flirt, it's going to be with a girl we both like.

    Then we started talking about sharing a girl, and we both mentioned the fact that we were both totally comfortable and happy playing with the strippers. She realized that she too had some concerns about moving to an open relationship. In the end, we decided not to look for a "girl friend" or seek out a girl to share in the clubs. We decided that we're both more comfortable and happy with paid services, so we're looking at getting a prostitute somewhere it's legal (we've started planning our honeymoon to Amsterdam, or Vegas as a backup).

    Once we both decided that we're going to stay monogomous with the exception of the occasional paid girl, we both felt SO MUCH better. It was like we finally made up our minds on how our relationship will be, and we're both going to get to enjoy our fantasies without the concern of jealousy. After five days of no sex, though, L got a little restless and we both got super horney last night so we put on some threesome porn and started talking about what we might like to do with the girl we share. It was ultra sexy. Then, we tried something kinda new... Oh. My. God. Let me just say, to those of you who are into watersports and anal, there's nothing hotter then having your girl ride your cock with it up her ass while she pisses on you. Good God that was amazing.

    Anyway, I digress. As of right now, things are really great. I still have some nervousness about going to fetish parties in the future, but now that I know that she really just wants to be controlled and directed, I think I can have more fun. I was always concerned about being too controlling, but now I feel like I can let my inner master out! On a side note, we're planning on moving across the country, so if we start going to fetish parties in Chicago, it'll be a new experience for both of us and I won't have to worry about her running into her old friends.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2012
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  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Regarding prostitution:
    1) It is not legal in Vegas. Some counties in Neveda have it, but others don't, including Vegas. So you'll have to drive outside of Vegas to find a legal ho.
    2) Prostitution is legal almost everywhere outside of the US and the Middle East. Canada, Most of Europe, etc. The rules vary (for example, in England, a prostitute can bring a client home, but cannot operate out of a brothel, and no streetwalking, whereas in the Netherlands, brothels are legal but IIRC streetwalking is not).

    Regarding finding a third: if your poppet feels like she has too much control in this, try reframing the activity. Order her to find a third. That way it becomes a service to you.

    Glad things are going well.
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  12. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    In most of Canada, I believe prostitution is legal, but soliciting one is not. A rule to protect them, you know.

    Also, I'd be super paranoid about bringing one in- especially living somewhere where they aren't legal. You have to worry about STDs and so on, plus if your threesome isn't vanilla and you just spring it on her that's not really fair? Though of course it isn't the worst they see
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  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Good point, Smallest. If you're going to involve a professional, seek out on who specializes in BDSM. If you can't find a pro-sub, seek out a prodomme and ask her if she knows any pro-subs. They do exist, although they're less common than prodommes. One advantage of a professional here is that much of what they do is legal in the US as long as no genitals are involved. It is not a crime to pay a woman to let you spank her, even though it's a crime to ask her to suck your cock while you spank her. A professional fetish model might agree to sub for you as well.

    One advantage to professional sex workers is that they usually get medical testing, so you're less likely to get an infection from them than from an illegal sex worker.
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  14. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Your last line is exactly what I meant by 'especially living somewhere where they aren't legal.'

    Also, be careful about asking fetish models, some of them are really touchy about being mistaken for sex workers. I'm not saying not to, I'm sure there are lots of good (and pretty) takers, but be careful.

    Personals can work wonders, also. Try a fetish dating site, maybe?
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  15. Revenance

    Revenance New Member

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    Thanks for the advice folks! In response to your warnings, I am also a little paranoid about STDs, but I suppose that's a risk you take whenever you get in bed with anyone you don't know for a fact is clean. I mean, I'm concerned about the prostitutes having a disease, but I'm just as concerned about the random girl we find at a club having a disease. Safe sex would be an obvious must. As mentioned by Sebastian, we would definitely want to make sure the sex worker has medical papers, although that's not full-proof either.

    Also, our first foray with a prostitute will not likely be a full on BDSM experience. If she is cool with some of the elements we like to bring in, sure, but if it's just a vanilla three-some, that's perfectly fine for the time being. BDSM with a third is something we'll likely explore after the initial experience.

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