Freaked him out: (

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, Sep 2, 2011.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Ok so I've been gone a while what with school holidays but I'm back :) and with a new problem.

    My fella has been really trying lately and has come along really well. He is really open to trying things and says he will do whatever to make me happy. We have slowly been stepping things up, he is still not 100% about things and always asks after sex if I'm ok but I keep trying to reassure him that if I haven't complained at the time then not to worry.

    Well my one hiccup came last night. I purposely brought a slightly smaller dildo than I would normally use alone so that if it got carried away he wouldn't hurt me. However, being a man, always wants to shove the biggest one I have in there lol. Anyway, back on track. Whilst caught up in the moment he had switched from reasonable sized to BIG (the kind you need lube for) but he didn't use any and I didn't care but when we were done a while later he is freaked out coz he has blood on him.

    Now it was in semi dark and I have black sheets so I didn't notice at the time. I told him it was ok and I'm not hurt and he probably just bumped my cervix too much but he has vetoed any sex now.

    How do I deal with? Up till then the night had been pretty awesome!
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A little blood during sex, especially BDSM sex, is not unusual. Tell him that it's just a sign that he needs to be slightly (note 'slightly') more cautious when he does vaginal play.

    Is it possible at all that you are close to your period and you were having some spotting? Might this not have anything to do with the sex? I'm just guessing here. And, if not, you could still lie and use that as an excuse, I suppose. Not that I'm encouraging you to lie, but if he's freaking out, it might calm him.
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  3. Knots

    Knots Member

    I don't think it's a good idea to lie, and it'd be quite wrong. When doing BDSM type activities, there will be times when one party or the other gets scratched/bruised/whatever. He needs to be aware of this (as do you), whilst also taking proper precautions in the future.

    Give him a chance to calm down, then have a good talk and tell him how utterly wonderful you felt (feed his ego? xd), and he should keep up the good work but remember to stay in control of himself.
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  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    You could also be spotting if you're in your week post period. Sometimes mine's supposed to be over, then rough play a couple days later makes any blood left be done with. If right now is right before or after you're supposed to bleed, you might let him know the spotting possibility.

    Otherwise though, it's just something that happens with rough sex, and sometimes not even when it's rough. I don't know how to calm him down though, since you probably already told him that.

    You might also brief him better on what needs lube and what doesn't, for your safety and his peace of mind.
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  5. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    It's not a period thing I'm not due for over a week, I think it's just the lack of lube and I have mentioned this before to him but like I said in the moment I tend not to notice things as much and let things slide.

    Have talked and he admitted he was worried he had done some damage but I assured him it's just that I am more 'delicate' at certain times than others. I am not bleeding anymore so he says he happy to come near me again soon lol but I am worried he might hold off more. He said that at the time he thought he smelt blood but wasn't sure but coz I was into things he just kept going, he had been biting pretty hard too and thought maybe he had broke the skin. I asked why he kept going if he thought I was bleeding and he said because he got caught up in the moment too and I was enjoying it and he likes seeing me get off.

    Herein lies my dilemma. I have very little control of myself sometimes when I'm aroused, I said to him today he has to be the one in control coz I tend let him push my limits but is this too much respnsibility to put on him? Especially as he lacks experience as a Dom. Also if I do that I worry he will hold back too much. Just dont know how to play it.
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2011
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  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    If you give him the control, and you don't think you'll safeword out or anything, I'd say you need a good talk that sets where your hard limits are, and what can't be pushed further, and so on, but you probably know/have tried that.

    You have to put the responsibility in one of you though, and you make it out as though that can't be yourself
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  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    By definition, doms have the majority of the responsibility, because they have the majority of the control. It sounds like the two of you need to have a conversation in which you seriously discuss what level of responsibility he's comfortable having, and what that means for how you play.
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  8. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Thanks guys.

    I definitely need to talk to him because I know I struggle to limit myself, even when it hurts sometimes I carry on because I don't want him to stop altogether if that makes sense? Plus my pain threshold is off the scale when I'm turned on and I often don't realise how far it's gone till he is like 'shit look at the state of you!' when I'm all covered in bite marks and bruises afterwards.

    I think he often shocks himself with what he has done to me and feels guilt still even though I tell him I am the one asking him to do it. I know it's about wanting to please me but also loving seeing me turned on that allows him to do this at all which is obviously a good thing but I know it all needs limits as we have been playing without safe words/gestures. Yes I know, bad me, getting into bad habits again
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  9. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Maybe a safeword fr 'okay just slow down a bit', like the stoplight system?

    And if he's guilty, maybe spend the time after telling him how much you enjoyed it while he's looking at your battle wounds like 'ohmygod what did I do'
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  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Remember that doms have limits too. It sounds like he's struggling with the fear of inflicting injury on you, and you're perhaps tending to push him further than he's comfortable going. A lot of doms worry about harming the sub, and some of them are scared of the darkness inside them. If you're more experienced than he is, you need to learn to rein yourself in so he can get comfortable playing as aggressively as you want.
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  11. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    @Sebastian, I think it's because I had a total sadistic Dom in the past who had no qualms about hurting me that it is difficult for me to remember sometimes that my current partner is not like that - he actually loves me and wouldn't be into this type of thing at all if not for me so I know I need to slow down. I'm probably guilty of wanting to run before we walk through it all.

    I agree with maybe some of the things he likes doing to me and feels bad about it, not the pain stuff but control things, like forcing his dick down my throat too far when I've told him I can't deep throat but he will still try when I'm bound and whenever I give a blow job will start to get rough with it. Plus he is always trying to get me to swallow when he knows I hate it but will try hold my head down there . He always apologises after but I know he likes it really. I just wish I could do it lol I have a lousy gag reflex though and hate the taste. I do it occasionally but he is definitely one of those guys obsessed with oral and cum shots over the face in porn. Men, go figure ;)

    @Smallest - I always try to reassure him as best I can as he always asks after if it was ok and if I'm ok etc. The problem I have is that he can have quite a fragile ego and tends to take guidance as a criticism sometimes.
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2011
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  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It sounds like he's a nice guy with dominant interests, so it's just a question of the two of you learning how to play well together. Don't push him so hard and he'll probably open up the way you want him to eventually, as he gains confidence and skill.
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  13. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    I'll agree with what has already been posted and as I've said many many many times before, trust is the biggest keystone of any relationship, and you cannot have trust without total honesty. Don't lie or hide anything, because if he finds out, it may turn him off to the idea entirely. It seems to me that while he may be slightly over eager, he is so because he wants to please you, and that is a rare thing to find. Dont do anything to damage that.
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  14. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Have him read this thread.
    If he's smart, he'll know how concerned you are FOR HIM and how LITTLE he hurt you.

    He'll also learn it's not uncommon.

    Just in cybering, I prolly bleed every 3rd time. And it's ME doing it...
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  15. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Or you could make a joke and hug him..

    "Hey look at that...a second virginity gone!"
    "I was sure I lost that in the 90's"
    "You realize we have to marry with my innocence on your sheets"
    "Doesn't this happen on the wedding night usually??"
    "HOLY HELL it grows back??"
    "Red cum...I'll start a trend
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2011

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