Freaked him out: (

subarama30 · Sep 2, 2011

Ok so I've been gone a while what with school holidays but I'm back

and with a new problem.

My fella has been really trying lately and has come along really well. He is really open to trying things and says he will do whatever to make me happy. We have slowly been stepping things up, he is still not 100% about things and always asks after sex if I'm ok but I keep trying to reassure him that if I haven't complained at the time then not to worry.

Well my one hiccup came last night. I purposely brought a slightly smaller dildo than I would normally use alone so that if it got carried away he wouldn't hurt me. However, being a man, always wants to shove the biggest one I have in there lol. Anyway, back on track. Whilst caught up in the moment he had switched from reasonable sized to BIG (the kind you need lube for) but he didn't use any and I didn't care but when we were done a while later he is freaked out coz he has blood on him.

Now it was in semi dark and I have black sheets so I didn't notice at the time. I told him it was ok and I'm not hurt and he probably just bumped my cervix too much but he has vetoed any sex now.

How do I deal with? Up till then the night had been pretty awesome!

sebastian · Sep 2, 2011

A little blood during sex, especially BDSM sex, is not unusual. Tell him that it's just a sign that he needs to be slightly (note 'slightly') more cautious when he does vaginal play.

Is it possible at all that you are close to your period and you were having some spotting? Might this not have anything to do with the sex? I'm just guessing here. And, if not, you could still lie and use that as an excuse, I suppose. Not that I'm encouraging you to lie, but if he's freaking out, it might calm him.

Knots · Sep 2, 2011

I don't think it's a good idea to lie, and it'd be quite wrong. When doing BDSM type activities, there will be times when one party or the other gets scratched/bruised/whatever. He needs to be aware of this (as do you), whilst also taking proper precautions in the future.

Give him a chance to calm down, then have a good talk and tell him how utterly wonderful you felt (feed his ego? xd), and he should keep up the good work but remember to stay in control of himself.

Smallest · Sep 2, 2011

You could also be spotting if you're in your week post period. Sometimes mine's supposed to be over, then rough play a couple days later makes any blood left be done with. If right now is right before or after you're supposed to bleed, you might let him know the spotting possibility.

Otherwise though, it's just something that happens with rough sex, and sometimes not even when it's rough. I don't know how to calm him down though, since you probably already told him that.

You might also brief him better on what needs lube and what doesn't, for your safety and his peace of mind.

subarama30 · Sep 3, 2011

It's not a period thing I'm not due for over a week, I think it's just the lack of lube and I have mentioned this before to him but like I said in the moment I tend not to notice things as much and let things slide.

Have talked and he admitted he was worried he had done some damage but I assured him it's just that I am more 'delicate' at certain times than others. I am not bleeding anymore so he says he happy to come near me again soon lol but I am worried he might hold off more. He said that at the time he thought he smelt blood but wasn't sure but coz I was into things he just kept going, he had been biting pretty hard too and thought maybe he had broke the skin. I asked why he kept going if he thought I was bleeding and he said because he got caught up in the moment too and I was enjoying it and he likes seeing me get off.

Herein lies my dilemma. I have very little control of myself sometimes when I'm aroused, I said to him today he has to be the one in control coz I tend let him push my limits but is this too much respnsibility to put on him? Especially as he lacks experience as a Dom. Also if I do that I worry he will hold back too much. Just dont know how to play it.

Smallest · Sep 3, 2011

If you give him the control, and you don't think you'll safeword out or anything, I'd say you need a good talk that sets where your hard limits are, and what can't be pushed further, and so on, but you probably know/have tried that.

You have to put the responsibility in one of you though, and you make it out as though that can't be yourself

sebastian · Sep 3, 2011

By definition, doms have the majority of the responsibility, because they have the majority of the control. It sounds like the two of you need to have a conversation in which you seriously discuss what level of responsibility he's comfortable having, and what that means for how you play.

subarama30 · Sep 3, 2011

Thanks guys.

I definitely need to talk to him because I know I struggle to limit myself, even when it hurts sometimes I carry on because I don't want him to stop altogether if that makes sense? Plus my pain threshold is off the scale when I'm turned on and I often don't realise how far it's gone till he is like 'shit look at the state of you!' when I'm all covered in bite marks and bruises afterwards.

I think he often shocks himself with what he has done to me and feels guilt still even though I tell him I am the one asking him to do it. I know it's about wanting to please me but also loving seeing me turned on that allows him to do this at all which is obviously a good thing but I know it all needs limits as we have been playing without safe words/gestures. Yes I know, bad me, getting into bad habits again

Smallest · Sep 3, 2011

Maybe a safeword fr 'okay just slow down a bit', like the stoplight system?

And if he's guilty, maybe spend the time after telling him how much you enjoyed it while he's looking at your battle wounds like 'ohmygod what did I do'

sebastian · Sep 3, 2011

Remember that doms have limits too. It sounds like he's struggling with the fear of inflicting injury on you, and you're perhaps tending to push him further than he's comfortable going. A lot of doms worry about harming the sub, and some of them are scared of the darkness inside them. If you're more experienced than he is, you need to learn to rein yourself in so he can get comfortable playing as aggressively as you want.

Freaked him out: (

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