ReallyGreen
Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
All of these have actually happened to me. Therefor I submit to you this open letter, to the good people hoping to get lucky on Craigslist (or whatever anonymous internet hooking-up site you prefer).
*Please show your butthole some soapy love. Just because no body has stuck their tongue there before doesn't mean it won't happen tonight.
*If you have more than one cat. Please put them in another closed room.
*Please try not to sob uncontrollably until after your guest has left.
*Laundry baskets (aka. the clothes hamper), you can buy them at a store.
*Trim your finger and toenails.
*If your date is for 6pm, shower at 4:30. Your pre-work 6:30am soak is no longer valid.
*Answering the door in a nightgown is fine. Answering in a stained, oversized Garfield sleep T-shirt is not fine.
*If your bed has a wet spot, please change the sheets before your guest arrives.
*Your guest does not enjoy stepping over piles of dirty laundry to get to the bed.
*If the dishes in your kitchen sink are moldy, its time to wash your dishes.
*Make sure you have toilet paper before your guest arrives.
*Bring your own towel, washcloth, and tooth brush (tooth paste is never guaranteed).
*300lbs is not "a little thick"
*You shouldn't have to "go looking for" your sex toys
*Introduce your vacuum cleaner to your carpets.
*If your power or water have been shut off, you should not be hosting.
*Take your children to the babysitter's house. ("Mom, I'm home!")
*Touch-up your nail polish.
*If watersports or worse are in the plan, please mop your kitchen floor before I have to lay on it.
* I really shouldn't have to pause every few minutes so you can get in a fight with your spouse/significant other on the phone.
*Guys, if you can't get it up quickly move into cunnilingus and finish yourself off. Don't even consider letting the following come out your mouth:
"This never happened before"
"OK. Now I just need a minute"
"Um...hold on, just a sec..."
"I don't know what ...."
Just hope she buys that you REALLY like performing cunnilingus AND didn't want to inconvenience her by making her suck you off afterwards.
*Please show your butthole some soapy love. Just because no body has stuck their tongue there before doesn't mean it won't happen tonight.
*If you have more than one cat. Please put them in another closed room.
*Please try not to sob uncontrollably until after your guest has left.
*Laundry baskets (aka. the clothes hamper), you can buy them at a store.
*Trim your finger and toenails.
*If your date is for 6pm, shower at 4:30. Your pre-work 6:30am soak is no longer valid.
*Answering the door in a nightgown is fine. Answering in a stained, oversized Garfield sleep T-shirt is not fine.
*If your bed has a wet spot, please change the sheets before your guest arrives.
*Your guest does not enjoy stepping over piles of dirty laundry to get to the bed.
*If the dishes in your kitchen sink are moldy, its time to wash your dishes.
*Make sure you have toilet paper before your guest arrives.
*Bring your own towel, washcloth, and tooth brush (tooth paste is never guaranteed).
*300lbs is not "a little thick"
*You shouldn't have to "go looking for" your sex toys
*Introduce your vacuum cleaner to your carpets.
*If your power or water have been shut off, you should not be hosting.
*Take your children to the babysitter's house. ("Mom, I'm home!")
*Touch-up your nail polish.
*If watersports or worse are in the plan, please mop your kitchen floor before I have to lay on it.
* I really shouldn't have to pause every few minutes so you can get in a fight with your spouse/significant other on the phone.
*Guys, if you can't get it up quickly move into cunnilingus and finish yourself off. Don't even consider letting the following come out your mouth:
"This never happened before"
"OK. Now I just need a minute"
"Um...hold on, just a sec..."
"I don't know what ...."
Just hope she buys that you REALLY like performing cunnilingus AND didn't want to inconvenience her by making her suck you off afterwards.
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