All of these have actually happened to me. Therefor I submit to you this open letter, to the good people hoping to get lucky on Craigslist (or whatever anonymous internet hooking-up site you prefer). *Please show your butthole some soapy love. Just because no body has stuck their tongue there before doesn't mean it won't happen tonight. *If you have more than one cat. Please put them in another closed room. *Please try not to sob uncontrollably until after your guest has left. *Laundry baskets (aka. the clothes hamper), you can buy them at a store. *Trim your finger and toenails. *If your date is for 6pm, shower at 4:30. Your pre-work 6:30am soak is no longer valid. *Answering the door in a nightgown is fine. Answering in a stained, oversized Garfield sleep T-shirt is not fine. *If your bed has a wet spot, please change the sheets before your guest arrives. *Your guest does not enjoy stepping over piles of dirty laundry to get to the bed. *If the dishes in your kitchen sink are moldy, its time to wash your dishes. *Make sure you have toilet paper before your guest arrives. *Bring your own towel, washcloth, and tooth brush (tooth paste is never guaranteed). *300lbs is not "a little thick" *You shouldn't have to "go looking for" your sex toys *Introduce your vacuum cleaner to your carpets. *If your power or water have been shut off, you should not be hosting. *Take your children to the babysitter's house. ("Mom, I'm home!") *Touch-up your nail polish. *If watersports or worse are in the plan, please mop your kitchen floor before I have to lay on it. * I really shouldn't have to pause every few minutes so you can get in a fight with your spouse/significant other on the phone. *Guys, if you can't get it up quickly move into cunnilingus and finish yourself off. Don't even consider letting the following come out your mouth: "This never happened before" "OK. Now I just need a minute" "Um...hold on, just a sec..." "I don't know what ...." Just hope she buys that you REALLY like performing cunnilingus AND didn't want to inconvenience her by making her suck you off afterwards.