For the people that use the internet for casual sex.

Discussion in 'Section open for any subject to discuss' started by ReallyGreen, Mar 27, 2009.

  1. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

    All of these have actually happened to me. Therefor I submit to you this open letter, to the good people hoping to get lucky on Craigslist (or whatever anonymous internet hooking-up site you prefer).

    *Please show your butthole some soapy love. Just because no body has stuck their tongue there before doesn't mean it won't happen tonight.

    *If you have more than one cat. Please put them in another closed room.

    *Please try not to sob uncontrollably until after your guest has left.

    *Laundry baskets (aka. the clothes hamper), you can buy them at a store.

    *Trim your finger and toenails.

    *If your date is for 6pm, shower at 4:30. Your pre-work 6:30am soak is no longer valid.

    *Answering the door in a nightgown is fine. Answering in a stained, oversized Garfield sleep T-shirt is not fine.

    *If your bed has a wet spot, please change the sheets before your guest arrives.

    *Your guest does not enjoy stepping over piles of dirty laundry to get to the bed.

    *If the dishes in your kitchen sink are moldy, its time to wash your dishes.

    *Make sure you have toilet paper before your guest arrives.

    *Bring your own towel, washcloth, and tooth brush (tooth paste is never guaranteed).

    *300lbs is not "a little thick"

    *You shouldn't have to "go looking for" your sex toys

    *Introduce your vacuum cleaner to your carpets.

    *If your power or water have been shut off, you should not be hosting.

    *Take your children to the babysitter's house. ("Mom, I'm home!")

    *Touch-up your nail polish.

    *If watersports or worse are in the plan, please mop your kitchen floor before I have to lay on it.

    * I really shouldn't have to pause every few minutes so you can get in a fight with your spouse/significant other on the phone.

    *Guys, if you can't get it up quickly move into cunnilingus and finish yourself off. Don't even consider letting the following come out your mouth:

    "This never happened before"
    "OK. Now I just need a minute"
    "Um...hold on, just a sec..."
    "I don't know what ...."

    Just hope she buys that you REALLY like performing cunnilingus AND didn't want to inconvenience her by making her suck you off afterwards.
  2. praefect

    praefect Member

    Some of these sound like something straight out of a nightmare. Did you ever just turn around and leave at any of those points?

    I guess I could add something to the list.

    * If you lost your earring in the car it's still bound to be in the car somewhere. Especially if it's your car there's no reason to spend an hour searching for it in the middle of nowhere, where it's so dark you can't see your hands in front of your face, making me wait.

    * If your daughter is in the house please tell me there's a chance I'll run into her in the hallway at night before I head out to the bathroom still sporting wood.

    * If you can't cook, don't invite me for dinner. If you do, then I'm fine with ordering something in. Almost raw asparagus in a liter of butter and milk is not dinner, it's a crime against all that is right and good in this world.

    * Leaving a card on my bed in the morning of April the 1st which says "Welcome to Club Aids" is not funny and it's not cute. Especially if I have no idea what date it is!
  3. Emma

    Emma Member

    Sorry the Club Aids thing is hilarious, i wish i could have seen your face!!

    One thing... condoms... i do see it as a man's responsibility, i have them sometimes but i would always assume the male has at least one anyway, not having one is just ridiculous. I take the pill every day the least you can do is remember to go to your drawer/whatever and shove a few in your wallet!
  4. praefect

    praefect Member

    It looked something like this I imagine

  5. subspace

    subspace Member

    OMG, thats so funny! Thanks for the laugh!
  6. Emma

    Emma Member

    Ha ha ha ha ha id say that might sum it up ye!

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