First time with domme - advice?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Fred Noclue, Sep 30, 2012.

  1. Fred Noclue

    Fred Noclue New Member

    Hi everyone. I am VERY new at this although I have been reading about it for many years and fantasizing ever since I was a teen. I think I have finally gotten the nerve up to visit a real Mistress on Tuesday and just wanted some advice. I am very nervous and a little scared although the Mistress has been very reassuring and supportive and understanding. Should I do anything to prepare for our session or any other advice or encouragement would be helpful. I have undergone prostate cancer treatments which has left me with “all” the issues surrounding that problem.
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2012
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Fred, this really belongs in its own thread, rather than diverting Primrose's thread. But I can't move this to a new thread myself (hi, Smallest!) so I'll tackle it here.

    Read through the Newcomer's FAQ for a lot of useful information. Remember that everyone starts somewhere, so being inexperienced is nothing to be ashamed of. You're taking steps to actually meet someone in person, which is more than most inexperienced guys do.

    You don't indicate if this mistress you're meeting is a prodomme or just a regular domme. If she's a prodomme, you get to set a lot of the parameters. Either way, tell your mistress what you think you're interested in and what your hard limits are. Make sure she gives you a safe word to stop play if you're unhappy (and stop play if she seems to be doing anything obviously unsafe). Tell her about any medical issues that might be relative (For example, if you have bad knees, make sure she understands that you can't kneel. Your prostate problems are relevant here, although they may not affect play as much as you think). Then, do your best to obey her instructions, even if they make you nervous. After the session is over, thank her and tell her what you enjoyed and what you didn't (she may ask--that's a sign of a good domme.)

    As far as your prostate problems are concerned, I'm guessing you're suffering from erectile dysfunction. Have you tried viagra or cialis? Talk to your doctor about them and ask for a sample. Do you enjoy 'small penis humiliation'? If you do, then your dysfunction can be another opportunity for your mistress to humiliate you. If you do not, then make sure your mistress knows not to do that sort of play, because it will probably undermine your enjoyment of the scene. If you're seeing a prodomme, you're not likely to be doing vaginal sex (most prodommes don't do it for the simple reason that it's prostitution), so erectile dysfunction won't prevent you from serving her. If she's a regular domme, and you can't pleasure her that way, apologize and beg to service her with your fingers or mouth.

    Let us know how it goes.
  3. Fred Noclue

    Fred Noclue New Member

    Sebastian, thanks for the insight. I did not know where to ask the question and since others had I thought I was in the right place.

    I had seen a prodomme several years ago but it was a bad experience, won’t bother you with the reasons. The Mistress I hope to see this next week is a prodomme who has asked about limits and such and will set with me before the session to set the limits. I must say that she has been outstanding and has calmed my fears a great bit. I have talked to her about my medical problems and she will help work around them. As for the ED, I have tried the meds and nothing worked although my doctor just gave me Muse which I tried and I got an erection. However, it was painful but I think that was I have not had one in many years. I am going to continue with it for a while to see if that improves.

    I guess the nerves just part of it but they have kept me from acting on them before. If I go through with the session, and I think I will, is there anything I should do before hand to prepare or just go with the flow? I will read the Newcomer’s FAQ as well.
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  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    One thing to remember is that dominatrixes usually do not do sex (I could be wrong about yours, but it should make our medical problem less of an issue).

    Before you go- have a good meal, and lots of water a few hours in advance (so you won't be hungry or dehydrated, but early enough that you won't need to use the washroom in session). Read a book, do things you enjoy, etc. Just calm yourself down, and don't think too much. If you're nervous, you might want to prepare a list of limits and so on, to help you talk about them there (maybe not necessary after your phone conversation).

    (And hi, sebby! I just needed 4 more hours to wake up).
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I don't know about the specific complications of your prostate treatment, but one thing that generally helps ED is getting regular cardio exercise. Poor blood flow makes it hard to get an erection. So if you don't exercise regularly, adopting a regular cardio plan might help you. Trying biking or running (although running takes time to work up to, so start with walking). Swimming is also good. Basically, do something that gets you really sweating. On the other hand, if you have nerve damage or something like that, cardio might not help that. Have you discussed Caverject with your doctor?

    Smallest's advice is good. It's ok to be nervous and keyed up; that's part of what makes the experience arousing. You may have trouble concentrating in the lead-up; God knows the first time I was going to dom, I was crazy squirrelly. Show up on time--neither early nor late, so give yourself a little extra time and then wait until you're supposed to ring her bell. Show up early and she won't be ready; show up late and you've kept her waiting which looks like you're trying to control things or get her to punish you.

    Then follow orders. Don't 'go with the flow'--that implies that you're making choices about how to act. Do whatever she tells you to, unless it hits a limit or a medical complication arises. If you don't understand an order, ask for a clarification.

    My advice is that you should go ahead with this meeting. You obviously want to explore being submissive, and the reason you haven't is a bad session with a prodomme. You're doing the smart thing--you've found a domme you feel you can talk to and trust, you've gotten advice from some people who know something about this (us), and you've thought it through. So realistically, it seems that the only thing holding you back is fear, and fear all on its own is never a good reason to not do something. The worst thing that is likely to happen is you won't enjoy yourself, and then at least you will have learned something about what you do and don't enjoy. The best thing that might happen is that you have a wonderful time and discover that you really are meant to be submissive.
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  6. ViriumsKeeper

    ViriumsKeeper New Member

    Hi Fred. Make sure to be honest and open and show up! Everything else can be worked out in time. Good luck!
  7. Hi Fred,
    I would agree with all the advice on here - and also point out that when we fantasize about stuff we tend to load up our expectations and focus them on one event. So the opportunity for disappointment if one tiny thing goes wrong is magnified.

    As Smallest and other have said - try to relax. If money isn't an issue for you then there will be plenty of opportunities to get this right and work with your Domme to tune the sessions so you have a great time.

    I suffer from mild ED too, and I suppose it's led me to be interested in chastity play. I'm fortunate in that a low dosage of Viagra (the 25mg tablets) seem to work for me, but chastity play certainly takes the pressure off a guy :)

    Since pro Dommes don't normally provide sexual services you might want to think about chastity as an element in your roleplay.

    It sounds like your Domme knows what she's talking about, and is doing her best to reassure you. I really hope all goes well - but if it doesn't then just talk with her to find out what went wrong. That will be far more productive than starting from scratch with another Domme.

    Good luck, and I hope you have a really great time!

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  8. Fred Noclue

    Fred Noclue New Member

    Wow, I wish I had this type of advice the first time. I think I have found a place where I can feel safe and express my fantasies. The note, from everyone, that prodomme’s do not do sex is heard loud and clear and really this was never on my mind. I have to be in control of things on a daily basis so really what I am seek and have been fantasizing about for many years is to be under the control of someone else.

    Stanley, my ED is extreme where nothing has helped. Although my doctor just gave me a Urethral Suppository. The problem is that it hurt right now but probable because I have not had an erecting for years. But I really like your idea about chastity play. I had not thought about that before. I will speak to the Mistress when I meet with her.

    Everyone, thank you so much for the advice if you have anything else to add I would appreciate it.

    New Sub (???)

  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Fred: If I may pry into your ED situation a bit, does your doctor have a sense why the prostate treatment had such a severe side effect in your case? I ask because I have some issue with ED (thus far, cialis and viagra address it), and my brother had to have prostate surgery, so it's possible I may have to have it as well at some point, and I'd like to know as much as I can about the potential side effects.

    If that's getting too personal, I understand.

    You are far from the only sub who has a great deal of control and authority in your mundane life. In fact, it's one of the most common dynamics for submissive men.
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  10. Hi Fred,
    I agree with you that this seems to be a great community of people with a very open and sympathetic view of life.

    If you'd like to "picture" chastity play I have written a few stories and posted them on the Orgasm Denial website. My favorite is "Making Plans for Nigel". I think you might be able to read them without even registering, but registration is free anyway.

    Here are the first three chapters to get you going. It runs to 27 chapters, and all you need to do is go into Advanced Search and look for posts by the user named "spudmachine" (that's my alter-alter ego :) ). If these links don't work you may need to register and sign in first.


  11. Fred Noclue

    Fred Noclue New Member

    Sebation, the question is not too personal at all. The ED problem came about because of the prostate cancer. First I had the surgery to remove the prostate and then radiation treatment all this within a couple of years of each other. Nothing worked so for years I have not had an erection. I started on Muse the other day and it did work but painfully. I think it was because I had not had an erection for years and the penis was stretched in a way it was not use to. You know the old saying, “use it or lose it”.

    ED though can be caused from different thing other than the prostate gland BUT I would recommend every man out there over 50 to get a PSA test and a rectal exam (from a doctor).

    I was scheduled to see the prodomme tomorrow but must have eaten something strange and had to post pond it till Friday. I hope it was not nerves and honestly right now I don’t think it is.

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  12. Fred Noclue

    Fred Noclue New Member

    Stanley, great story. I am going to talk to her about this.
  13. Fred Noclue

    Fred Noclue New Member

    Since we have been talking here I have a question for you. Ever since I have been reading about this and now setting a time to follow through, my fantasy has always been to be totally dominated and sex act preformed on me. I have talked this over with the prodomme I am going meeting with but there is one element I did not mention. That of a forced bi encounter. The more I read the more this has consumed my thoughts. I do not see that I would ever act on this outside of a session but I think I would within in one. But I don’t think I could suggest it but I do think I would accept the situation if told to do so. Does that make any sense? And what does it say about me?

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  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Fred: If it interests you and you are hoping to experience it, you need to tell your mistress. She is not a mind-reader; this is a mistake that many subs make, simply wishing or expecting the dom/me to somehow know the sub's fantasies without being told. I'm pretty good at creating the illusion of knowing what a sub is thinking, but I still need to be told more specific fantasies like this.

    What it says is either that you have a repressed bisexual side or that you enjoy the idea of being humiliated that way. Both are fairly common in older submissive men. It's totally healthy.
  15. Hi Fred,
    Glad you liked the story, and I hope you're feeling better.

    I'd agree with Sebastian - you should communicate this with her.

    Quite a lot of men have some kind of homoerotic fantasy - even if they consider themselves "straight". My personal opinion is that our sexuality is really complicated, and can't be described with black white labels.

    If you are exploring this aspect here are three suggestions. These are graded from "mild" to "harsh" and my advice is to work your way up during future sessions - assuming you are turned on by this kind of fantasy.

    Use your homoerotic "sins" in the form of a confession to your Domme. It would be useful for you to write some notes for her anyway - that way she can pick up some of your preferences and do her job better. During the session she can use your confession as the basis of verbal abuse - and believe me that can be extremely powerful.

    Assuming you are still turned on by the homoerotic side, you can ask your Domme to wear a strap-on, and use it to humiliate you during the session. The midway approach is for her to force you to give her a "blow job". You can choose to which point she has an excuse to punish you until you comply. This can be fun because it doubles as a safe word during the punishment. She can, for example, use corporal punishment on you until you agree to give her a blow job. The level of verbal abuse can now be increased because she is witnessing you performing a "disgusting" act. If you'd like more CP, just stop obeying her, or deliberately give a "poor" blow job. This can be a signal to her to use CP on you while you're on your knees in front of her.

    This would be for her to use the strap-on to sodomize you. The reason I'm putting this in the "harsh" category is that I'm aware of your prostate condition, and you should absolutely check that this kind of insertion is safe for you. Also, with a blow job you need to "comply" and actively perform the act. With sodomy you can be tied down and be "anally raped", so this could play into a more submissive fantasy. Even more extreme is "ass to mouth" play, where after she anally rapes you she would force you to suck the dildo.

    Assuming there's no danger of it being discovered at home, I would advise you to invest in your own strap-on. A good Domme will understand the importance of hygeine - especially with anal play - but why take the risk? If you are tempted before you can get a strap-on then make sure she uses a condom on her dildo.

    You can see that you can take it quite a long way without involving another guy. But if you want to try that, then I'm sure the Domme can arrange for another slave to be there, and "force" you to commit unspeakable acts upon each other. Personally I think it's a really hot fantasy :)


    PS. If you're looking for some inspiration, many of the English Mansion movies have themes of "forced" homoerotic play.
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2012

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